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Deeds of Darkness (PG)

Haruka of Hoenn

Rolling writer
297
Posts
16
Years
  • Hey everyone! This is a repost of my fic from Serebii. (And it's the exact same thing in both places, so don't worry!) Chapters will be posted once every week, and in some cases, once every two weeks. Starting from the very beginning, here's Deeds of Dakrness!

    Deeds of Darkness
    Prologue


    The dark night clouds that hung over Sinnoh like a thick heavy blanket began to slowly fade away as the first rays of dawn began to pierce through them. Soon, people and pokemon began to wake up from their slumber. Light was cast everywhere, and the sea went from pitch black to sparkling blue. Sensing this, water pokemon began to rise up to the surface, splashing about in their early morning dance. The only place that stayed dark and gloomy was a fairly large island far off the coast of the main land of Sinnoh, where the sun's rays did not dare touch. This island had no name, for what kind of person would even want to name such a place? The people of Sinnoh simply referred to it as 'that island', but in stories it was often called 'the palace of darkness' due to the fact it was surrounded by a dense cloud of gray no matter how bright the suns rays were shining. Whatever it was called, it definitely was the last place anybody would want to visit. It had endless forests of pitch-black darkness, plants with potent poison that had no cure, and a large cavern that is said to be home to an evil ghost pokemon. This particular pokemon was none other than Darkrai.

    Darkrai and the townspeople had a pretty bad history together. Over the months, the people had been sending complaints to the government about mysterious disappearings of their pokemon, which were blamed on Darkrai. Of course, Darkrai had captured pokemon from Sinnoh for food, but only wild pokemon. It never even did as much as come near a trainer's pokemon – but that was soon about to change.

    Soon the government was overflowing with complaints, so it decided to send some soldiers to the island accompanied with specially trained pokemon to help rid the region of Darkrai, by shipping it as far away from humans as possible. Now, the dark pokemon did all it could to repel the humans without killing them, but one small army after another was sent to the island after every failure. One day, after wiping out twenty soldiers and sparing fifty pokemon, Darkrai had just about enough. Soon would be its time to make a comeback that would forever change the world of Pokemon.
     
    Last edited:

    Elite Overlord LeSabre™

    On that 'Non stop road'
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  • no matter how bright the sun's rays were shining.

    Darkrai and the townspeople had a pretty bad history with one another
    Also, it might be better to say, "the inhabitants of Sinnoh," since you don't mention a single town and the island seems pretty isolated from civilization, so I assume its actions have not been limited to a single town.

    about mysterious disappearances of their pokemon,

    Soon the government was overflowing with complaints, so it decided to send some soldiers to the island accompanied by specially trained pokemon. Their mission was to help rid the region of Darkrai, by shipping it as far away from humans as possible.
    This sentence was getting a tad run-on.

    Now, your description here of the setting of Sinnoh and the mystery island was pretty well done. However, Darkrai's introduction was a bit sudden. If you want to keep the description of Darkrai under wraps (which may be your intention since you're creating an air of mystery with your prologue), may I suggest the following change:
    his particular pokemon was none other than the mysterious being that was dubbed "Darkrai" by the residents of the region.

    And yeah, this does look a bit short, but it IS a prologue, and it does its job of creating a mysterious backdrop for the fic. And it does build up Darkrai's increasing frustration with the humans, however quickly...

    Perhaps consider going into Darkrai's thoughts as it's battling the armies and growing increasingly fed up with them? And maybe expand the part with th armies attacking it, describing the mysterious ghost during the war scenes.

    Hey, it's a pretty good start, but it is a tad short and I just wanted to give some ideas on where you could have stretched it out a bit.

    Be looking forward to the first chapter!
     

    Grovyle42(Griff8416)

    No. 1 Grovyle Fan
    1,103
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    • Seen Apr 11, 2023
    I didn't notice any typos in the fic itself but right before the prologue, you misspelled darkness.

    I'm intrigued by this so far. I especially liked the first paragraph (the vocabulary and description, in particular). Interesting plot so far. I'll be reading chapter 1 as soon as you post it.
     

    Gummy

    by fire be P U R G E D
    4,519
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  • Hello there, I'm here to review... at my own will... no one requested me to do this. *glances at DP479 :paranoid:* Okay... just thought I'd get that off my chest!

    OMG, I've finally found a fic about Darkrai! Out of all the legendaries, it is most definitely the most mysterious, so you can go in many different directions with this fic. The descriptions were well done (heh, I think I say this to everyone), and I didn't catch any spelling errors. However, I think a few explanations are in order here. For one, what's this fog that covers Darkrai's island made of, and why can't sunlight peirce through it? And if Darkrai never appears before a trained Pokemon, when do the townspeople ever get a chance to see it? Sorry for my pickiness, by the way.

    Anywho, I'm liking the plot so far and can't wait to see what Darkrai does to these human trespassers. Consider this fic: tagged by the guy with unhelpful reviews.
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
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    16
    Years
  • DP479:

    Darkrai and the townspeople had a pretty bad history with one another

    Also, it might be better to say, "the inhabitants of Sinnoh," since you don't mention a single town and the island seems pretty isolated from civilization, so I assume its actions have not been limited to a single town.
    Hmm... yeah, I can see how using 'the inhabitants of Sinnoh' would've gone better... Thanks for noticing!



    Soon the government was overflowing with complaints, so it decided to send some soldiers to the island accompanied by specially trained pokemon. Their mission was to help rid the region of Darkrai, by shipping it as far away from humans as possible.

    This sentence was getting a tad run-on.
    Eek! Guess I overlooked that one. Your correction sounds a lot better than the two lines below, I'll admit!

    Soon the government was overflowing with complaints, so it decided to send some soldiers to the island accompanied with specially trained pokemon to help rid the region of Darkrai, by shipping it as far away from humans as possible.



    Grovyle42(Griff4815):

    but right before the prologue, you misspelled darkness.
    Yeah, I noticed that at the last minute, sadly. But I've gotten that all taken care of now! Thanks for pointing it out!

    I'm intrigued by this so far. I especially liked the first paragraph (the vocabulary and description, in particular). Interesting plot so far. I'll be reading chapter 1 as soon as you post it.
    Thanks :)



    Glajummy:

    However, I think a few explanations are in order here. For one, what's this fog that covers Darkrai's island made of, and why can't sunlight peirce through it?
    Nobody knows for sure. It's not exactly 'fog', because it hangs around the island constantly without any signs of clearing away. The people of Sinnoh consider it fog because they have no other name for it. (I don't want to jump a little too ahead of myself here, but you'll find out all you need to know later in the story!)

    And if Darkrai never appears before a trained Pokemon, when do the townspeople ever get a chance to see it?
    Although Darkrai may appear before a trainer's pokemon, it doesn't try to do anything that might harm them. It knows that the pokemon belongs to a trainer and that hurting it will result in a battle. (You can say that Darkrai is actually trying to keep the peace here!) The townspeople see Dakrai as often as any common pokemon, and it wasn't really considered a 'legendary' at the time because of this. Back then, Darkrai could appear at anytime: day or night. It had no specific time to come out, and to go back in.


    Anyways, thank you to all my reviewers for your helpful comments! Chapter 1 will be up around next Wednesday, see ya then!
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
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  • Now presenting... Chapter 1! Read, review, and most importantly, enjoy!

    Chapter 1

    "Buneary, use Jump Kick!"​

    These words still rang in Sadie's ears as the small pokemon standing beside her opponent, Rena, acted immediately on its trainer's orders. The brown rabbit-like pokemon sprang loftily into the air as if flying, aiming a single furry leg at Sadie's Luxio, who was standing only a few feet below. The blue, spiky-furred pokemon watched Buneary's every movement like a hawk through its luminous yellow eyes, however, it did nothing to dodge the attack or attempt to block it using an attack of its own. It just stood there in the soft terrain as its owner jumped up and down, shouting her frantic commands at her ignorant pokemon.​

    "Come on, Luxio! You still have time to dodge the attack! Use Spark to block Buneary, quick!" These words came out of Sadie's mouth quicker than she had expected them to, yet she was certain that they would be as useless as all the other commands she dared to shoot out of her mouth.​

    Luxio cocked a triangular ear at the sound of Sadie's scream, but didn't take his eyes off of the speeding brown bullet. In a second's notice, yellow sparks began to erupt from Luxio's thick coat, indicating that he had finally decided to obey his trainer.​

    Maybe we still have a chance! Sadie thought excitedly, fiddling with the silky edges of her inky black hair. "Come on, you can do it!" she encouraged, watching as the charged sparks snapping and crackling around Luxio began to orbit faster and faster around its body.​

    But before Luxio could hurl the attack, Buneary was already on top of Luxio with its leg on the pokemon's chest, making for the perfectly aimed Jump Kick. Thus, Luxio was flung backwards and landed at Sadie's feet, scarred and bruised, but still able to battle. Sadie's heart skipped a beat.​

    Can we really pull this through after all? Sadie though nervously, watching her pokemon scramble to its feet.​

    "Come on, let's try another Spark!" she shouted to Luxio. But for some reason, her words just seemed to drift off into space before they could reach her pokemon, thus giving Rena time to make a plan of action.​

    "Okay, Buneary, use Quick Attack!"​

    As soon as these words left Rena's lips, Buneary reacted as if reading its owner's mind way before the command came. Faster than the eye could see, Buneary was rapidly circling Luxio and throwing hard, quick punches and kicks as it went around. Dazed, the electric pokemon whirled its head from side to side, trying to locate the evasive Buneary, but its efforts were futile. Sadie watched in horror and dismay as Luxio began to sink lower and lower to the ground, until finally Buneary delivered the final punch that threw Luxio up into the air a couple of inches, and brought it to the ground with a final thump. The battle was over.​

    "Oh, Luxio!"

    Immediately, Sadie rushed over to her fainted pokemon. She heaved a sigh as she took out a pokeball and held it in front of her stiff. Just after she watched her pokemon turn a shade of red and melt into the pokeball, Sadie heard footsteps approaching.

    "Hey, good game!" Rena exclaimed as she jogged toward Sadie, her orange curls bouncing on her shoulders and her Buneary skipping merrily at her side.

    Sadie smiled. "Thanks, Rena!" she said brightly, packing Luxio's pokeball into her bag. Even though the battle was pretty short, Sadie had a better feeling of this loss than all of her others.

    Maybe I should just face it... I'm simply no good at battling. I don't know why, but it seems like they don't even hear my commands in battle... doesn't matter how old the pokemon, or how closely we've bonded... I just can't seem to get my words across to them!

    Rena began to notice Sadie's difficulties in battle, and tried to encourage her best friend in an effort to make her a better battler. They often had battles in which Rena would coach Sadie on what to do, and when to do it. Sadie appreciated this help very much and was very thankful to know that their work was finally beginning to pay off.

    But really, my true talents lie within the decorated walls of the Contest Hall, where pokemon and trainers alike could show off their sense of style, diligence and skill at something other than battling. I can still imagine myself standing on that sparkling podium in a handmade silk dress, amidst a world of flashing cameras and smiling faces, holding my first ribbon up for the whole world to see! That would be my dream come true...

    Then there's my family, most of whom are coordinators. With that background, it is my destiny to live up to the reputation of Mom and Grandma, two of the top-ranked coordinators in the region! Ooh... I just can't wait to become a professional!

    So far she was a pretty good beginner coordinator, since she was given pretty useful advice from her mother. But when it came to the battling round, she was about as clueless as a caveman in a supermarket. That's where Rena came in.

    "You know, Sadie," Rena said as she slung the strap of her brown bag over her shoulder, "From the looks of it, I really think you're improving on your battling. I mean, in the last few days your Luxio seemed to listen to you better."

    Sadie hadn't realized it before, but she was actually improving. Now it seemed that her pokemon occasionally was really listening to her and obeying her commands. But most of the time it just stood there and did whatever it wanted, as if it couldn't even hear Sadie. Rena says that Sadie would get past this sooner or later, but she was in no hurry.

    If it takes me a year to become a good battler, then let it be that way! Sadie often thought. But I sure do hope it won't take me that long…

    But she was still proud of her achievements, no matter how slow or fast they came to her.

    The two girls then began walking on the dirt path that led to Sandgem Town, where they both lived. Along the way, Rena discussed with Sadie about the battle and what Sadie needed to improve on. After Rena had finished her lecture on commanding before the opponent attacks, their conversation slowly altered from battling to everyday things, like the Elite Four member who paid a visit to a restaurant at Floraoma Town, what berries they had found and planted while outside, and other things that happened recently.

    Meanwhile as the girls walked, the sky was in the middle of a process of turning from a dull, stormy gray to a swirling black. Sadie glanced up at the dark sky, and felt a cold raindrop fall on her face, followed by another, and another, until a small shower started.

    "Oh great, rain at a time like this! We better hurry up, or else we'll get caught in something even worse!" Sadie said, putting her backpack over her head to shield her.

    Rena groaned. "Ugh! My mom told me not to mess up this new backpack, but now it's going to get ruined in this rain! Come on, let's hurry!"

    Rena sent her Buneary back into its pokeball, and the girls then quickened their pace to a slow jog. In less than a minute, they soon found themselves running as fast as their feet would carry them in a huge storm of not only rain, but very strong wind that blew Sadie's already wet hair on her face, blocking her view. It was pretty often that she had to stop, put her hair behind her ears with her fingers, and start running again. Times like this made Sadie mighty jealous of Rena's short, puffy hair. To make things even worse, Sadie's sneakers were drenched with water, and she frequently had to stop along the way to empty them out.

    The trees bent at odd angles, as if they were leaning to the ground to pick something up. Occasionally, Sadie worried one of them would snap and fall to the ground and crush them. Suddenly, a loud roar ripped through the sky, making Sadie's ears ring. It sounded as whatever or whoever was making the sound was right next to them, shouting right in their faces.

    What is going on?

    Once they reached SandgemTown, which was in about an hour, the girls looked like they had been left outside during a hurricane. They ran the remainder of the way to Sadie's house, which was at the other edge of the small town for their inconvenience, and burst into the house, panting and shivering.

    "Sadie! Rena! You two girls scared me nearly to death!" gasped Sadie's mother, Katherine, who was sitting in the leather sofa. In front of her, the TV was going. Katherine stood up and walked over to Sadie and Rena, her hands on her hips and a stern frown on her face, that told the girls they were about to get a scolding.

    Here it comes... Sadie braced herself.

    "I am appalled at you girls! You two children outside in this weather…why I can't believe you even had the nerve to go out there! I told you two to come back by lunch, yet you keep me waiting until it's practically time for dinner! What is the meaning of this? Rena, you wait until your mother hears about this!"

    "But Mom, we didn't expect it, it just happened! Please don't tell Rena's mother, we didn't know! Besides, it was only rain and wind! How bad could it be?" Sadie pleaded.

    Ugh... now Rena's gonna be in trouble too...

    At this Katherine sighed, rubbing her forehead in an exhausted sort of way. She sat back down on the couch and turned off the TV. When she spoke, her voice was softer and more troubled than it had been before.

    "There was a tornado reported west of Jubilife City, on Route 203, I think. It entirely destroyed that half of the city and the neighboring routes. It was pure luck that it didn't come your way when you two were out on Route 202."

    Sadie gasped. "There was a tornado? By Jubilife?" She couldn't even believe her mother's own words. Sadie couldn't remember the last time there was a tornado anywhere near where she lived.

    Katherine somberly nodded and paused talking. They just sat there for a few moments of silence when nothing could be heard except for the plip, plop of the raindrops. Katherine was staring at the ceiling as if in deep thought before she spoke again, this time her voice less serious.

    "Now, Rena I understand that your parents are unable to pick you up right now in this weather, so I will let you stay over night at this house," Katherine said. "But only one night!" she added after the girls exchanged eager glances.

    Neat! And I didn't even have to beg for it this time!


    The girls quickly ate dinner, and went to bed shortly after. By the time the girls fell asleep, the storm was beginning to calm down.

    - - - - - - -

    But it was not over yet…

    A pair of eyes stood out from the rest of the surroundings, which were merely shadows in the pitch-blackness. The eyes had a look of sheer coldness in their icy blue depths. Their pupils were pure white slits of fury.

    Suddenly, the mysterious being took off through the heavy coating that surrounded the island, and into the night; a black shadow tearing its way through the sky.

    Oh no, it was just the beginning…
     
    Last edited:

    Elite Overlord LeSabre™

    On that 'Non stop road'
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  • Rena said that Sadie would get past this sooner or later, but she was in no hurry.
    Tense agreement

    In less than a minute, they soon found themselves running as fast as their feet would carry them in a huge storm. The inclement weather consisted of not only rain, but very strong wind that blew Sadie's already wet hair on her face, blocking her view.
    Run-on sentence that I broke up.

    Sandgem Town
    Apparently, for some reason a space didn't get inserted here...

    The battle was over.

    "Oh, Luxio!"

    Immediately, Sadie rushed over to her fainted pokemon.
    I think I mentioned in the PM before (where I went over your chapter) that after a battle loss would be an EXCELLENT place to include Sadie's thoughts (in addition to her actions and words), as doing so really helps to show how the character reacts to adversity (okay, maybe I didn't go into all that detail before, but it's here now.)

    after the girls exchanged eager glances.

    Neat! And I didn't even have to beg for it this time!


    The girls quickly ate dinner, and went to bed shortly after.
    As excited as the girls were, wouldn't they have stayed up for awhile, watching TV, playing games, eating popcorn, and chatting, before heading off to bed?

    Comparing this version to the original one over at Sppf, you have definitely improved. Description is better, and showing what Sadie is thinking helps to flesh out her character even more. It also helps as well with showing and not telling.

    Pretty good description of the incoming storm, too, though I was recently told that describing things like the inside of Sadie's house and Sandgem Town itself would allow the readers to immerse themselves even more into the story.

    Overall, this is going quite well, and it's nice to see the improvements as you take advice on board to further improve your fic. I am looking forward to the next chapter!
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
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  • DP479:

    me said:
    Once they reached SandgemTown,
    Wow, I really have no idea how Microsoft Word could have missed that. Thanks for pointing that out!
    As excited as the girls were, wouldn't they have stayed up for awhile, watching TV, playing games, eating popcorn, and chatting, before heading off to bed?
    Normally they would have, but with Sadie's mom being upset and worried like she was, the girls went to bed on her orders so she wouldn't get even more mad. (Man, I probably should've mentioned that before ending the chapter...)

    Comparing this version to the original one over at Sppf, you have definitely improved. Description is better, and showing what Sadie is thinking helps to flesh out her character even more. It also helps as well with showing and not telling.
    My goal is to make this version of my fic even better using all the help I've been getting from my reviewers on both forums. It's nice to know that my plan is going smoothly:)
    Overall, this is going quite well, and it's nice to see the improvements as you take advice on board to further improve your fic. I am looking forward to the next chapter!
    It'll be up sometime next week. (Either that, or this weekend if I'm really lucky and have free time.) See you then, and thanks for reviewing! ;)
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
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  • Dananananana!!! Now presenting Chapter 2! *Confetti falls from the ceiling* Read, review, and enjoy the chapter! :)

    Chapter 2


    "Come on, keep it moving! Let's go, let's go!" Commander Hart shouted in a gruff, loud voice. He walked backwards, waving his large arms at the hundreds of identically dressed soldiers as they marched out of their base camp at Oreburgh City.

    "Let's go! Let's go! We don't have all day!" He continued to shout at the men, as though they were all hard of hearing.

    Up above, the blazing afternoon sun beamed its white-hot rays on the soldiers' heads. Not one of the soldiers complained. Down below their feet, the gravel was loose and squishy from the previous night's storm. Not one of them tripped. Each step was in total rhythm with the next.

    shloop, shloop

    shloop, shloop

    If even one of the shloops were out of beat, that unlucky soldier would be pulled out of the group and given pushups – usually somewhere in between 100 and 170. The commander often walked beside the marching army squad to 'inspect' for any flaws in a specific soldier's way of dressing and/or marching. Commander Hart had very sharp eyes that could spot the slightest thing wrong with a soldier, from the way a boot was tied to the way a gun was held. This peculiar trait, among many others the commander possessed, caused most of the army to develop a secret loathing for the large, red-haired man. One such soldier was a young man named Dalton.

    He was a moderately tall man, with short, yellow-blond hair that was almost completely covered by his helmet. He wasn't as muscular as most of the other men in his group, but knew quite a lot in terms of combat and weapons, being one of the most experienced soldiers in the squad. His experience helped him out in other ways too, for he didn't get tired as easily while marching as he had in his first few weeks.

    Suddenly, an unexpected shout had erupted from somewhere near Dalton, and caught the young soldier by surprise.

    "PALMER!"

    The commander's booming scream sent chills down Dalton's spine, despite the fact that he was actually addressing one of the newer soldiers, Bret Palmer. Bret was one of Dalton's closer friends, and was constantly being picked on by the commander for his disorganization and 'improper' aim-and-shoot techniques.

    "Gah! Uh, I mean… Sir, yes sir!" Bret raised his left arm wearily in an attempted salute. The entire army had ceased marching, and all eyes were on him.

    After a few awkward moments of silence, Commander Hart sighed. "Palmer, Palmer, Palmer." His voice had a blend of disappointment and false cheerfulness, with a touch of humor sprinkled on top.

    "How many times have I reminded you of the proper boot-tying method? I WANT A PERFECTLY EVEN BOW ON THAT KNOT, NOT A GIMUNGOUS WAD OF STRING!"

    Dalton could not help but suppress a chuckle at this.

    Gimungous? Ha! That's not even a word!

    "You should be ashamed of yourself! Tying your shoe wrong… That's the skill we all learned in PRESCHOOL! Where were you all this time? Were you skipping class, Palmer? Eh? Were you skipping school while all the other good girls and boys were learning how to write their names and tie their shoes? I bet you were! What do you have to say to that?"

    Bret lowered his head. "I'm sorry, Commander," he muttered plainly, with little remorse in his tone.

    "I bet you are, Palmer. We'll see how you fare in battle!" With one last glare at Bret, he turned away and began his backward walk again.

    "COME ON, COME ON! MOVE, YOU BUNCH OF LAZY NO-GOOD ANIMALS! MY GRANDMA CAN MOVE FASTER THAN YOU LOT OF COUCH POTATOES! AND SHE'S PARTIALLY PARALYZED!!! KEEP IT MOVING! KEEP IT MOVOING! I DID NOT TELL YOU TO STOP!"

    Soon enough, the soldiers finally arrived in Route 203. Or, at least, what remained of it. Route 203 had gone from clean and beautiful to just below dumpster quality in less than a night. Downed trees, snapped twigs, and broken branches littered the scene. Random trash such as empty milk cartons, rags, soda cans, and toys were also scattered around here and there, covering the grass underneath completely. Dalton found it hard to believe that just a few days ago, children were skipping along the smooth pathway, moms and dads were sitting and relaxing on benches alongside the road, and pokemon were frolicking through the bushes.

    "All right, you bunch of ladies!" Commander Hart mocked, snapping Dalton back to reality. "I will now tell you what you will do, where you will go, and when to do either one of those things. You will only go where I tell you to, nowhere else! You will do only what I tell you to do, nothing else! And you will only do things when I tell you to, no exceptions. Understood?" shouted the commander, crossing his muscular arms.

    "SIR, YES SIR!" shouted all the soldiers in unison, saluting.

    "Good…" The commander paced left to right, eying the nine neat rows of saluting men with squinting blue eyes. He glanced at the first row of soldiers, and stopped.

    "I want all of you in the first row to go over there behind that tree over there," the commander said to the first nine men, pointing to a nearby palm tree lying on its side.

    "Yes sir!" All the men saluted and marched to their designated spot.

    And so it went on this way, with the commander shouting out positions and having them filled. He repeated this process with the rest of the rows, and pretty soon Dalton could see tiny heads popping out from under bushes, beside trees, and behind fallen logs. After quite a while, he reached the sixth row, where Dalton was standing. For a few moments, Commander hart paused to think, eyeing each of the saluting soldiers carefully, studying them. Finally, he clapped his hands together.

    "Okay all of you men except for Dalton will be on the lookout for the pokemon. You will stand right here in the middle of the pathway," Commander Hart pointed to the ground beside him. "Yes, you will do so in the middle right here, where the pokemon will see you!" he added, after one of the men next to Dalton gave an uneasy squirm.

    "When you think Darkrai has arrived, you give me a signal and jump into a bush, or behind a tree. I don't care where you hide! Just make sure the pokemon doesn't get a glimpse of you."

    "Yes sir!" the men saluted.

    "And as for you, Dalton," the commander turned, looking Dalton in the eye, "You will be all the way over there behind that big log down there."

    The commander pointed east to a medium-sized log that had once been part of an oak tree. It looked as if it was barely big enough for Dalton to crawl behind.

    What the heck? What use would I be all the way down there? Oh well… the commander did always have a knack for making me do all the dirty work…

    As if reading his mind, the commander instantly said, "Do you know why, Dalton?"

    Dalton shrugged. "No, sir."

    "You will be there to shoot Darkrai in the event that it comes running away in your direction. That way, we won't lose it like we did last time. Understood?"

    Dalton saluted. "Yes sir!"

    "Good."

    The commander walked off.

    Well, this should be easy, Dalton thought to himself as he started for his log. But little did he know, it was going to be far from easy.

    First off, the log provided less cover for Dalton than he first thought. He had to literally crouch down on his stomach to keep his helmet from poking out from the top of the log. Soon, his legs became cramped from his crouched position, although he couldn't do anything about it. Second, it was right in the middle of the pathway, and there were no other downed trees or debris around it for Dalton to hide behind in the event that Darkrai spotted him behind the log. His fate lied in Darkrai's hands, hands that he could not trust.

    The commander must really hate me. Dalton thought, as he wiped some drops of sweat from his forehead.

    His only hope was that Darkrai would move off to somewhere else and that they would be forced to go back to base and plan for another mission.

    Nah, what are the odds? he reasoned, although he secretly wished that Darkrai would miss them. With a sigh, Dalton kneeled behind the rotting log and readied his gun, hoping for the best.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, came a rushing Swooping sound.

    "It's here, it's here! Fire at will!" came the commander's voice from far up ahead.

    What? Dalton thought. Darkrai's here already?

    He peeked through a small hole in the log. Although it wasn't big enough to see things clearly, it was his only way of seeing what was going on around him.

    Sure enough, he could see a pitch-black pokemon up in the sky. Darkrai was hovering low on the ground, enough for Dalton to make out a spiky, bloody red 'necklace' around its neck. From the top of its head flowed a silvery white gaseous substance. Darkrai's back was turned, so he couldn't see much of it through the log's handy little peephole he had been looking through.

    "FIIIIIRRRREEE!!" cried the commander's voice. At once, there were bullets flying in all directions at lightning speed, but the surprising thing was, that none of them seemed to be taking an effect on Darkrai. The pokemon remained motionless, simply hovering in one spot as the bullets whizzed past.

    Why isn't Darkrai moving? Has it got something up its sleeve or what? Dang, the commander is gonna waste all his bullets if he doesn't stop the shooting… Can't he see that they're not even hurting it?

    "KEEP ON SHOOTING! I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT TELL YOU TO STOP!"

    "Commander, we're running out of bullets! And the pokemon's not even showing any signs of submission!" came another voice. "What should we do?"

    "I did not give the order to stop shooting!" came the commander's furious shout. "WE WILL KEEP ON SHOOTING UNTIL THAT THING IS DOWN, HEAR ME?"

    But Darkrai refused to go down. In fact, it refused to do anything. It was just calmly floating there without lifting a finger, while the speeding bullets sped right through its body, as if it were made up of air.

    Dalton took a deep breath, and sank lower and lower behind his log. He knew perfectly well that it would be impossible to conquer this pokemon, though this idea tore him apart bit by bit. Atom by atom. When suddenly,

    BANG! Whoooosh…..

    The roaring sound of the last bullet being fired tore through the sky, and through Dalton's heart. It was all over. The army was virtually defenseless. And Dalton, behind his little log, would face the same fate as the rest of them… the rest of the failing armies… He would be nothing but a failed attempt at something another would eventually succeed at. A mere memory, gone and left behind in the dust while another's would live on forever. Tears welled up in Dalton's eyes at the thought of this. It wasn't fair.

    "Commander! We should retreat immediately, before it attacks back!" came a voice. Dalton recognized it as Bret's.

    Without hesitation, the commander yelled, "RETREAT! EVERYONE BACK TO BASE!"

    But before anybody could do anything else, Darkrai fired.

    It was one of the most impressive, perfectly aimed shots Dalton had ever seen fired. A sphere of swirling purple and black formed from Darkrai's hand, and was hurled like a softball to the bushes beyond. A series of piercing screams erupted from the targeted area. Dalton's heart was racing. He could feel it pounding against his chest like a caged lion.

    What is going on?

    Darkrai continued to fire its attacks at every single place the soldiers were hidden, which were followed by more and more screams, until finally, the route was in dead silence. Thick brown smoke hung in the air, clogging up Dalton's nose and throat. He dared not to cough, for a single noise would probably cost him his life. Through the peephole, Dalton saw Darkrai's head turning to Dalton's log. His heart skipped a beat as those frosty blue eyes glared at him, almost like tiny floodlights in a sandstorm.

    Oh no…

    All Dalton could do now was hope for the best. Darkrai was drawing nearer and nearer. Dalton grabbed his gun lying beside him. This was his only chance. Surprising himself, Dalton jumped up to his feet and pointed his gun directly at the pokemon just when it was no more than a foot away from him.

    Darkrai didn't react. It just stared at him with its fierce eyes fixed directly at his dark brown eyes. Dalton felt himself unable to look away from Darkrai's gaze. He felt his gun slowly slip away from his hand and crash onto the ground.

    - - - - - -

    Human… Worthless human…

    The pokemon watched as the man fell to the ground, engulfed in a deadly sleep. His weapon lay a few feet away from him. Without warning, the pokemon vanished, bringing the man along with it.


    You will pay… You all will pay…
     

    Elite Overlord LeSabre™

    On that 'Non stop road'
    9,915
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • Oops! One mistake I spotted that I didn't catch before! Totally my fault!

    Commander Hart paused to think,
    Forgot to capitalize...

    Nice chapter! You were able to capture the personality of the commander and Dalton very well, and also show what Dalton thinks of his somewhat outlandish superior.

    I also appreciated how you also took my advice from the previous edition, especially the description of Darkrai and the fact that Hart's plan of shooting it would fail miserably (since the bullets would just pass through its ghostly form.)

    So the others were killed while Dalton was whisked away by the mysterious phantom. I've speculated before that Dalton must be "special" in that Darkrai chose to spare his life and handle him differently from the rest of the platoon.

    I am looking forward to the next chapter, and seeing the changes you've made from the older version:)
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
    297
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • geokid:

    AWESOME!!!I like it and i like the vocabulary very well done.
    Umm... thanks! :)

    DP479:


    Oops! One mistake I spotted that I didn't catch before! Totally my fault!


    Quote:
    Commander Hart paused to think,
    Forgot to capitalize...

    And to think... I was only one grammar mistake away from having an error-less chapter... :P Thanks for noticing!

    I also appreciated how you also took my advice from the previous edition, especially the description of Darkrai and the fact that Hart's plan of shooting it would fail miserably (since the bullets would just pass through its ghostly form.)
    In the first edition, I didn't really want to make Darkrai totally invincible to the bullets but I see how it would make better sense this way!

    So the others were killed while Dalton was whisked away by the mysterious phantom. I've speculated before that Dalton must be "special" in that Darkrai chose to spare his life and handle him differently from the rest of the platoon.
    Yep! (But I'll get more into that in the chapters to come ;))


    I am looking forward to the next chapter, and seeing the changes you've made from the older version:)
    Thanks! Now that I have school outta the way for winter break, I'll have plenty time to work! Yay :) Expect the chapter to be up in a few days! If not, then after Christmas.
     
    622
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    16
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  • I hope the next chapter is soon. I'm really getting into this story. I'm not a massive legends lover but I do like Darkrai a lot, and the detail in the story has got me mesmerized. I'm dying to know whats going to happen, and what Darkrai's motives and feelings are in more detail!
     

    Haruka of Hoenn

    Rolling writer
    297
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • I hope the next chapter is soon. I'm really getting into this story. I'm not a massive legends lover but I do like Darkrai a lot, and the detail in the story has got me mesmerized. I'm dying to know whats going to happen, and what Darkrai's motives and feelings are in more detail!
    Thanks for the reply! Glad you like my story :)
    Anyways, I'm currently working on Chapter 9 for this fic on SPPF (no peeking!!) along with revising Chapter 3, so I'm working kinda on-and-off. Expect Chapter 3 to be up around Wednesday or Thursday! ;)
     
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