View Full Version : Kime-Ko's Pokemon Adventure

January 3rd, 2008, 10:12 AM
Chapter 1
It was the night before Kime-Ko was going to get her first Pokémon and start her journey. She was so excited that she could hardly sleep, but with the visions of Pokémon, trainers, and battles in her head, she slowly drifted off. She awoke the next morning to the smell of pancakes, eggs, juice, and toast. Tossing on a starry tank, a green tube top, and a green skirt over some old jeans, she then jumped out of bed, grabbed her pack, (full of what she needed for her journey, of course) and ran down the stairs. She sat at the table and started to stuff her face.
“Slow down, or you’ll choke” warned her mom, Ashley.
“But mom, if I don’t hurry I’ll be late!” Kime-Ko said.
Just then Keita, (her best friend, and maybe one day boyfriend!) came bursting through the door. Clad in jeans ripped at the knees, and a black shirt with a poke ball on it, he practically yelled:
”Come on Kime-Ko, if we don’t hurry there won’t be any Pokémon left to choose from!”
She then said good-bye to her mom as they raced out the front door to professor Ryoheay’s lab. When we got to the lab, Ryuichi (the professor’s grandson) was leaving.
“So what Pokémon did you choose?” Kime-Ko asked
“Only the best one” Ryuichi remarked.
“Which is?” Keita Questioned.
“Chimchar, of course.” Ryuichi smirked.
“I’m going to get Piplup!” Keita exclaimed.
“Well I guess that leaves me with…… Turtwig,” Kime-Ko said.
They then went into the lab. When they came in, the Professor quickly came up to them.
“So Keita you want Piplup and Kime, you want Turtwig?” Professor asked.
“Yes!” exclaimed Keita.
“Sure…… Oh, and it’s Kime-Ko, NOT Kime!” Kime-Ko yelled.
“Well here you go. Piplup for Keita and Turtwig for Kime-KO, not Kime!” the Professor laughed.
“Thanks!” Keita and Kime-Ko said gratefully.
“In my opinion, Turtwig is the more dominating starter.” Professor said, informatively.
“Really? Score!!” Kime-Ko said excitedly.
“Wait…what? You told me you wanted me to get Chimchar, but he isn’t the strongest?” Ryuchi said, returning from outside. He spun around stormed angrily out the door.
“Oh well, what’s done is done” Keita said trying to sound all sophisticated (and failing).
“Thank you so much Professor! I guess Keita and I will be on our way.” Kime-Ko said.
“Oh, wait one more thing before you leave. Here are your Pokedexes, you wouldn’t want to forget these.” said Professor. And with that, Keita and Kime-Ko were on their way.
Keita and Kime-Ko had just set off when, De Du De Du, Kime-Ko’s cell went off, and She quickly answered it. It was Kime-Ko’s mom telling Keita and her to come back to the house because she had something to give them. Keita and Kime-Ko turned around and started to walk back. When they got to the house, she was waiting outside with a box- looking thing in her hands. She said it was a map of the Roanoke region and two pairs of running shoes.
“ Super nifty!” Kime-Ko exclaimed.
“Coolio,” Said Keita cooly.
“Yes. Very… nifty.” Said her mom. “But these will be very useful. We don’t want you to get lost, do we? “
“Okay! Thanks mom! Bye!” Squealed Kime-Ko as she sliped her new shoes on, handing her mom her old ones.
Keita nodded, and together, Kime-Ko and Keita set off.

January 3rd, 2008, 10:47 AM
You use good grammar, but that's about it. Sadly (for you) the "original trainer journey"-fics are all too common and doesn't get very interesting. Of course, a fic like this still has the possibility of being interesting, and they are indeed entertaining to write, but according to my experiences (and other's, I daresay) the writer must be very inventive and twist the story with new elements or events, or else it rarely turns out more than average, if anything.
So far in your story, there are few details and nothing that really makes me want to read further.
Sorry if I'm harsh, I don't mean to bring you down completely ^^' I know exactly how it feels.
Tip: check out the guides in the writer's lounge forum for tips on how to progress.

January 3rd, 2008, 3:39 PM
Don't let everyone else bring you down about your Fan-Fic. I love "original trainer journey" stories. I'll come by as soon as I can for new chapters.

January 3rd, 2008, 4:26 PM
Ah, a new OT fic. I don't get why so many people write them off as fics that can never possibly draw interest. Personally, I feel that all could be good if efforts given to them. Your fic could be good, Kime-Ko, but there are a couple things I'd like to say. Mostly, you've just got dialogue here and, while it is essential for characterization and such, it just doesn't seem like there's much to it. Also, you're kind of lacking with description. Now, I can't say too much since this is something that takes me awhile to dole out, but this scenerio just seems a little blank to me... Sorry if this sounds harsh, but think about it a little. Applying some description even if its just basic stuff would have a major impact in your writings and in a good way too.