View Full Version : The Riddle of the Ancients

January 6th, 2008, 3:48 AM
i hope that you please rate these, because i like that you tell if i can make good stories, you know. oKay? Let's go, then.

chapter 1

A boy is walking down the street, and looks arpund. He looks his coins in his pocket few times, then looks again the shops. He goes finally in a large candy shop. The shop Owner is big, and bald, He has a small beard, and he looks curiosly the boy who comes in the shop, looking around.
- Excuse me, but do you have any liteblue Pokeblocks?
- Liteblue? I think we have some, though i don't know how much...
The shop owner takes ladders, and picks a smaal box from the top of a shelf.
Then he comes down and says only:- 5 PD's
- 5?! 5 PD's of that small box?! I give you three.
- Four PD's?
- That's a deal! There you go..
- It has thirty liteblue Pokeblocks
- Thank you, The boy says, and looks the shop keeper for a short time.
Then the boy leaves the shop, and runs the street to a small house. he takes a key, opens the door, goes in and says:
- Mom, i'm home!
Now, in this point, i tell a bit of his looks. He has black shorts, white shirt with black spirals in the sleeves, and small shoes. He has also black and pointy hair, and a small scar in his neck. His eyes are almost black, but a bit of brown still fights it's way in the surface.
- Great! Well, you could now take the trash out!
- Okay!, the boy says and take a small ball out of his pocket. He opens it, and a strange Pokemon appears.
- Okay, Jinjaku, i ask you a favor, take the trash out, okay?
A three meters long tarantula, which breaths out black mist, looks the boy long, and then makes a small nod. Then it takes the garbege bags with it's teeth, and goes out of the door. Soon it comes back and makes a strange sound, which has a high resemblance to thousand grasshoppers. But the boy has known this creature from the start it had born into the world. It says: - You now owe me one, gal.
- No i don't! that was your debtpaying! Or have you forgotten? those five favors?
- Oh, yeah, i'm sorry.
- Well, its okay. Now, let's go training, before Mom sees us!
- Not until you two have eaten!, boy's mom yells from the kitchen.
They go slowly into the kitchen, eat their rice,(and pokeblocks)
and then go out. The boy looks Jinjaku, which walks in a small forest at the edge of the city,where it finds some Butterflies and battles them, until it is exhausted. The the boy comes there, and gives berries to it. Jinjaku says:
- Hey Racs, when do you think i evolve?
- I remember it was around 7 000 000 pieces. now you have about 1.3 million.
- 1.3 million what?
- Nah, nothing large, only Dusks. You know, do you?
- Nah, i don't remember quite well things, 'cause i'm an insect, you see.
- *sigh*, well, i tell you, again. First are the Brick Points, which are mostly to Fighting and other solid-type pokemon. Dusk Points are for bugs and plants, like you, something small or organic. Then are the Star Points, which are hard to get, you can get from specific pokemon. Star Points are for Fire, water, Dark, Dragon and flying. Steel is special, because it levels up by both brick AND Star points. NOW you remember?
- uh, yeah, i think...
- okay. So, You have to get anymore..... 7083 dusk Points, so not much anymore. You have already 6 980 000 points, so you evolve soon to Yunben.
- Yunben is quite nice form. i like it.
- You can't know yet! You are still a Asagre!
- Hey! what's that?
- Dusk Points! Huge pile of them!
- Let's dive!
- No, you dive, i can't take the smell of them. You go, Jinjaku.
- Okay!
And then Jinjaku dives into the pile. sometimes pokemon gather piles of points to give some light, because they are bright in dark, and dark in bright areas. And so the Racs's pokemon, jinjaku jumps in the pile, and eats all of them. There are certain rules in battling, that even rocks and wild pokemon know. no-one can take Points won in battle, and if someone takes, even if a child takes one, the punishment will be painful.
Soon Jinjaku had eaten Dusks as much as it could, and then it starts glowing.
- Hey! Racs! I'm evolving! Help!
- Hold on! I'm coming!
But Racs comes to Jinjaku too late. It releases a huge stream of pure light and Racs falls to the ground, fainted. Jinjaku screams of pain, because it didn't expect this. Otherwise it would be pleasuring moment, but now it felt pain, when two new long legs came out of its back body, ripping it's skin, and it's eyes fell, legs cracked into dust, and it's body went more straight. Then, the lightstream faded, and it fell to the ground. Soon, a shady character goes quickly from bush to bush, coming close to the two. Then, it's pink skin appears from the bush, and Racs sees it somehow.
- Hey, help....
Then it jumps out of the bush. The Chansey takes it's egg, and puts a part of it in Jinjaku's, mouth, and then gives some to Racs. They eat it slowly, and a while after they had swallowed it, they bounce quickly up. Racs looks Jinjaku. Now it has changed to it's final form. it looks almost like a skinny human, it is taller than Racs, it's skin has scales, green and shiny. it's hand has five fingers, and all of them have long claws in them. it's legs have spikes in their end. Long teeth come out of it's mouth. they go all the way to the chest. It has four tentacles in it's back, all of them are very dark green, and have a sting in their head that is dipped in poison. They go into holes, that are in Jnjaku's back. It looks it's body interested and scared. then it smiles, showing it's sharp and pointy teeth. Then it says on human language:
- Racs, i evolved!!
Racs looks it stunned, but then he realises, that Jinjaku spoke to him, and then smiles too.
- Yeah! that's the way, Jinjaku!
- But, there is one problem.
- What is it?
- My stamina has risen significantly, and now my current state is bad. If i can go to Pokecenter, i can get to my full powers. Can you scan me, please?
- Who are you? You never say please!, Racs says and takes a small disc-looking object from his backpack. Then he presses a button, and the disc sends a laser that goes from top of Jinjaku's body to it's small toes.
- *gasp*, Jinjaku! Your Attack is almost 200! and your defenses are 150! And what speed! Your speed is almost 300!
- And my stamina?
- It is also quite good, 267!
- Okay! Hey, i think i'm still evolving...AAAAGHH!!!
Jinjaku jumps in the air, and blood spurts on Racs's face. Jinjaku's back skin has been ripped again, and large dragonlike wings have come from it. Blood is still dropping from them. In their bending point is a small spike, which don't do any damage in battle. it breathes heavily, and says.
- Take me to pokecenter, quickly. I'll go into pokeball now.
- Okay.
Then Racs takes a Pokeball and Jinjaku goes in it straight away. Racs starts running, and soon the Chansey closes up to him. It runs in front of Racs, and turns in some roads.
- Are you showing the way to Pokecenter?
- Chansey, Chansey!
- Okay! I take that as yes!
They keep running, and they arrive in a huge city. Racs don't look the sign, just runs into the pokecenter that is fully in sight now. He goes in and says quickly, and gasping:
- Cure Jinjaku quickly! he didn't expect to evolve yet! He is almost dead!

To Be Continued

January 6th, 2008, 9:37 AM
Um... Man?

When you're making your characters talk, you use speech marks:

"No way!" He screamed.


-No way!

What is that?

Ok, also, when you're writing sentences or people speaking, his the return button twice.

You spell 'i' 'I'... Capital.

Now, in this point, i tell a bit of his looks. He has black shorts, white shirt with black spirals in the sleeves, and small shoes. He has also black and pointy hair, and a small scar in his neck. His eyes are almost black, but a bit of brown still fights it's way in the surface.

What? You never tell us... Just describe him.

There are also a lot of grammatical errors in this... Capitals for the staring letter of a sentence... The speech marks' absence... And loads of typos...

Try to work on Microsoft Word before posting, Okay?