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Pokemon Expedition: (Vol.1) Celebi & Grovyle-World's Collide!

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Beam Me Up Furry Bandit!

Naito Park
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    • Pokemon Expedition:
    CELEBI & GROVYLE - WORLD'S COLLIDE!​

    Epilogue: Himalayan Mountain Range (Early Morning)
    A sweet scent filled the air as the Jumpluff Immigration soared high as the strong breeze of the north pushed them down to the south of the Himalayan Mountains. A small Snover buried itself in the soft snow to keep warm as the morning sun shot out from the snow-capped peaks below. A Pidgeotto swooped down from to a little grass patch to get some Oran Berries for its young.​

    RAAAWWWWWWWW!
    A gust of wind shook the mountains as the Pokemon fled. Suddenly, a gigantic black hole appeared out of nowhere that terrified the onlookers as they ran away as fast as they could hoping that they could out run it. All of sudden, three Pokemon shot out from it, dizzy and unconsious. The mysterious object disapeared as the onlookers try to help out the unidentified Pokemon.​

    But everyone will eventually know who they are......​

    Dusknoir......Celebi....... and Grovyle​


    *More coming soon*​
     
    Last edited:

    Blue Angel

    Living for now
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    • Seen Apr 7, 2016
    I'll just say, before I get into the deeper stuff, that your chapter was too short. There is almost no way a chapter can be too long. I would say, make your chapters about 5x-6x this length and you should be good.

    Baby Boy Raccoon said:
    Pokemon Expedition:
    CELEBI & GROVYLE - WORLD'S COLLIDE!​

    Epilogue: Himalayan Mountain Range (Early Morning)
    A sweet scent filled the air as the Jumpluff Immigration soared high as the strong breeze of the north pushed them down to the south of the Himalayan Mountains. A small Snover buried itself in the soft snow to keep warm as the morning sun shot out from the snow-capped peaks below. A Pidgeotto swooped down from to a little grass patch to get some Oran Berries for its young.​
    Click to expand...

    First off all, your beginning sentence is in smaller font than your next sentence, and continues for the rest of the story in that font size. Your story is supposed to have all the same font size, except for titles of chapters - which are just aloud to be bolded, no a different font size.

    Second, I am not sure if you have a reason for using a real world place. Maybe you are making a crossover fic. But if you are, why are their Pokemon in our world, even before the other three "pop" in. You need to be thorough in you explanations and descriptions. But I will say, of all the beginner writers I have seen, most don't handle writing descriptions as well as you.

    Finally, I don't think Fan Fics are meant to be centered. It creates a problem for us reviewers just because of the layout of it. At least for me, because my computer was having a hard time typing without running into something, or almost deleting one of your paragraphs.

    BTW, it isn't a Jumpluff Immigration, it is a Jumpluff Migration. Too similar words but totally different meanings.

    And why would a Pokemon bury itself in snow(cold) to stay warm(not cold)?

    ​

    Baby Boy Raccoon said:
    RAAAWWWWWWWW!
    A gust of wind shook the mountains as the Pokemon fled. Suddenly, a gigantic black hole appeared out of nowhere that terrified the onlookers as they ran away as fast as they could hoping that they could out run it. All of sudden, three Pokemon shot out from it, dizzy and unconsious. The mysterious object disapeared as the onlookers try to help out the unidentified Pokemon.

    But everyone will eventually know who they are......

    Dusknoir......Celebi....... and Grovyle
    Click to expand...
    Baby Boy Raccoon said:
    *More coming soon*​
    Click to expand...



    ​
    I didn't get what the "RAW" was supposed to represent. You make it seem like it is the sound of wind, but I have never heard wind like that. Although I could understand if that is your interpretation of the sound of a black hold, since I highly doubt any of us have heard that :)

    Your second sentence seems to long and slightly awkward. I am going to show you an example right here, of what would look better: "Suddenly, a gigantic black hole appeared out of nowhere, terrifying the onlookers. as They ran away as fast as they could, hoping that they could out run it."

    You misspelled "unconscious" (<- correct way) and "disappeared"(<- correct way).

    A black hole isn't really an object, because it is a whole. I mean, You wouldn't call a donut hole an object, would you? How about "The mysterious darkness disappeared" instead?

    Throughout this, you didn't give any description of the Pokemon. Sure, most of us probably know what it looks like, but others may not have played one of the games, and don't know what one of them are. It is your job to describe that.

    On the bright side, you had description - which most beginners don't have. Keep trying and make sure you make your chapters longer.
     
    Last edited:

    Beam Me Up Furry Bandit!

    Naito Park
    129
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Sorry for no explanation....i'll answer those questions (any order)


    Jumpluff Quote: Sorry about that, i get mixed up with those two words and i'll edit it so it makes sense including misspelt words and black hole thinghy.

    Snover Quote: I got that from some information from e.g. Documentaries,books,wiki
    with the polar bear thing they do if a blizzard comes they bury a hole to keep themselves WARM! To outrun it....

    Pokemon(Onlookers):The Pokemon that live in the mountain range

    Don't worry...i'll do my orginal plan
     

    Blue Angel

    Living for now
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    • Seen Apr 7, 2016
    Onlookers:I got the onlookers thing, your sentence was just too long.
    Jumpluff:I know, I have that problem with "your" and "you're"
    It probably doesn't help that the online game I play only lets me say the first one.
    Snover: Wow, You did your research :)
     
    Astinus

    Astinus

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    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Plz 2 b telling mod of section instead of just posting.

    thread locked
     
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