Legacy of the Ball

Skip Shot · Dec 20, 2008

Hello, Pokecommunity. I'm sure most of you know about the popular sci-fi saga STAR WARS. I've decided to create a fanfic that has six parts, just like the Star Wars series. Each part will take a long time to complete, with several chapters, but I hope that a lot of you will enjoy reading this as much as I will enjoy writing it.

This story is rated PG-13
There will be several sequences of violence, a little swearing, and plenty of awesomeness.

To help you out, I will keep progress of how far the saga has gone down below:

Part 1: The First Journey
Chapter 1.1
Chapter1.2

And now, I present:

Chapter 1.1: Dawn of the Trainer

The flames were so close to my body, I could feel the immense heat licking my skin. I tried to run away from the scorching fire, but found that I could not move. I looked down to see my legs immobilized by two thick green tentacles. Looking at my arms, I saw two identical tentacles wrapped around each arm.

Instinctively checking the nearby surroundings, I saw another person off somewhere to the right: a girl of short stature with long brown hair. She had been bound in the same fashion as he had, and appeared to be unconscious.

Detecting the sound of footsteps coming from the left, I turned to see a man completely cloaked in black walking towards me. Flexing a glove-covered fist, the man threw a white and red orb into the air. Out of it came a small white squirrel with small blue streaks running down the course of its body. The squirrel had a dark, piercing gaze that tore through me.

"I need answers from you." The man paced back and forth. "If I do not get the ones I wish to hear, Pachirisu will be forced to electrocute you. I'm sure that you wouldn't like that. Now tell me, where is it?"

"I'm not telling you ANYTHING!" I heard myself scream. I knew that whatever information I revealed would make him unstoppable.

"Very well, then." The man shrugged his shoulders. "You have chosen your fate. Pachirisu, Discharge!"

"PPPPAAAAAAAAAAAACCCHIIIII!" the squirrel shrieked as it summoned blue bolts of electricity towards my body. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, waiting for the impact.

Costa jumped out of his bed, waking up in horror of the dream he had just experienced. He could still see it in his mind, the flames licking his skin, the ferocity of the Pachirisu as it unleashed the Discharge… Thank goodness it was only a dream, he thought. He checked the clock, and found that he had an hour before he had to meet his two friends over by Professor Dunn's laboratory in the nearby town of Bolina. Today was the day that Costa would receive his first Pokemon. He had studied hard to be able to do this, writing several papers on travel, watching several battles on TV from the Kanto and Johto regions, and had battled using Dunn's simulator.

As Costa washed and combed his shaggy black hair, he thought of which starter Pokemon he would choose. Unlike most other regions, the region Costa lived in- Regata- would have up to nine different species of Pokemon available for starting trainers on a given day. There was always one of each of the types that the eight gyms specialized in, and one type randomly determined by Professor Dunn.
Costa threw on a brand new T-Shirt with the Blastoise Water Polo team logo on it. He looked down, surprised that the shirt was able to cover the fact that he was overweight. He then threw on a pair of jeans, giving him the look of a somewhat tall, muscular water polo player. He then looked at the large, circular mirror on the bathroom wall. Satisfied that his hair looked normal, Costa then rubbed some lotion over his muscular arms and legs, and washed his tan, egg-shaped face. He then walked up the stairs to his room to pack.

When Costa walked into his room, he found his dad standing nearby his bed. "Hello, Costa," the dad said, his tall stature looming over Costa. The dad sat down on the bed, inviting Costa to join him with a flick of his large, callused hands. Costa sat down next to him, wondering what his dad wanted to talk to him about.

"Costa, when I was 15, the same age as you and your friends are now, I also went on a journey of my own. I still have one thing left from that journey that I would like you to keep, and if you wish, use." The dad then pulled out a small, oddly colored Pokeball with a dial on it.. It had a green design on the top, with a bluish tint on the bottom. The dad gave it to Costa. "This is a Storage Ball, and is the only one ever created. It allows you to summon any Pokemon from your PC without having to go to a Pokemon Center. All you do is twist the dial on the Ball until you get to the Pokemon you wish to call out. The Ball will then summon the Pokemon, just like a regular Pokeball." He looked at Costa, his soft blue eyes gazing at his son for what would probably be the last time.

"Thanks, Dad. I'll keep this, not only to use, but as a memory of you." Costa then put the ball into his ocean blue backpack, which was also full with various Potions, Full Heals, and Revives. Giving his dad a farewell hug, Costa grabbed his bag and walked down the stairs, and out of his house. Looking up at his house, Costa took in one last memory of the large, green, two-story building that he called home. Turning away from home, Costa walked down the dusty road to Professor Dunn's lab.

When Costa arrived, he saw that both of his friends and traveling companions- Meagan and Dustin- had already arrived at the large, white building. Dustin walked up to Costa, his blond hair hiding the freckles on his forehead. "You arrived just in time," he said, staring down Costa with his somewhat taller height. "Professor Dunn will be here in a couple of minutes."

"What took you so long to get here?" Meagan asked as she walked over, her brown hair blowing behind her in the gentle breeze. "We've been standing here for about fifteen minutes." Meagan said as she gave Costa her trademark intimidating glare. The glare itself could make up for her short stature and somewhat overweight body.

"Uhh….. My dad wanted to give me a little bit of advice before I left," Costa stammered out, not wanting to reveal the Storage Ball. Meagan nodded in understanding, but the look on her small, flawless face revealed that she didn't think that was the case. Luckily, Costa didn't have to explain further, as Professor Dunn had just opened the doors to the lab.

"Well, if it isn't Costa, Meagan, and Dustin!" the professor exclaimed as he rubbed his white mustache. He then gave each of them a questioning look, his square face and short, white, beard making him look like he was about to give them all a test. "I suppose you are all here to receive your starter Pokemon?"

"Of course, Professor," Dustin said, his face now gripped with nervousness.

"Very well, then. Why don't you come inside and take a look?" When they first went inside, they saw a row of nine Pokemon standing on a long, metal table. The Professor handed each of the new trainers a red electronic device and five red-white orbs. "These are the Pokedexes and Pokeballs that are required for new trainers. Take care of the Pokedex, as it has data on every Pokemon, and can tell you the moves of the ones you have!" Professor Dun explained as the three trainers put the Pokeballs in their bags. "Now, let me introduce you to the nine different pokemon we have today. "Leading off the group is our Fire-type starter for today, Cyndaquil," Professor Dunn said as the fiery rodent gave a little squeak "Quil!" in response. "Our Electric-type starter is Pachirisu," the professor continued.

"Chupa!" the little white squirrel squeaked as it look up at the three curious trainers. It then began to chase its tail, getting an "Awww" from Meagan. Costa looked over at her. Meagan seemed to be fascinated by the cuteness the squirrel was displaying.

"Here is our Water-type starter, Squirtle."

"Squirtle Squirt!" The little blue turtle replied as it looked up confidently at Dustin.

"Here is our Grass-type Starter, Treecko."

"Treeecko!" The little green gecko shouted as it stood on the table, waiting for it to be chosen.

"Our Normal-type starter is Jigglypuff."

Jigglypuff opened its mouth. "Jiggaalllyyyyy.." it began to sing.

"NONONONONONO, Jigglypuff, not right now!"

"Puff…" The little pink ball sighed, letting its depression show on its face.

"Continuing on, our Ground-type starter is Hippopotas."

"Hippo!" the little brown hippo cried, looking up energetically.

"Our Ice type starter is Sneasel."

"Sneasel!" the small black weasel shouted, showing off its long, sharp claws.

"The final of our gym-type starters today is the Posion type. Today, we have a male Nidoran."

"Nido!" the little purple rodent shrieked, presenting its thick horn and strong legs to the trainers.

"Today, I have also chosen to give out a Dragon-type starter." Costa gasped at this remark. No professor in Regata had given out a Dragon-type since his dad had become a trainer. "The choice for today is Gible," the professor concluded.

"Gible!" The small, blue land shark cried weakly. It looked like it was the youngest of all the Pokemon.

"Now then," the Professor said in a speech-like manner, "Choose your Pokemon!"

Dustin went first, as usually was the case between the three friends. "I'll take the Pachirisu!" He smirked at Meagan, who stuck her tongue out at him. Meagan wanted the Pachirisu, and Dustin's flirtatious side told him to take it first, Costa said, shaking his head in exasperation. As Dustin summoned the Pachirisu into a Pokeball, Meagan walked up to the table. "I guess I'll go with Squirtle, then," Meagan said. "Squirtle Squirt!" The little turtle shouted in happiness as it jumped into Meagan's arms, drawing a little smile from Meagan. Costa then walked up to the table. He finally knew which Pokemon he wanted. "I'll take Gible," he said. The little land shark Pokemon, overjoyed at the fact that it was chosen, jumped at Costa, accidentally scratching him a little. Ignoring the cut, Costa called Gible into its Pokeball. "I guess we're all ready to go, then?" he asked his friends. Each of them gave confirming nods, and exited the lab. With a "Good Luck!" from the professor, the trio of friends headed out of Bolina, and into the wild, where several new adventures began to call out to them.

SkyPioneer · Dec 24, 2008

It's an alright storyline, however, your narrative lacks a few key elements that any good story requires. Before I start, I must warn you, my critque is harsh. So just don't flame or anything, keep in mind that I post in good intentions.

First of all, when I followed the link from your sig, I thought this was a comedy/parody or something. Why? A rather lulzworthy MS painted pokeball against an epic background depicts pure awesome. The part where he gets tortured by a Pachirisu is also so very lulzy. After that, though, my laughter faded, as I realized this story was quite serious. So, with that there image, you are giving the audience a wrong impression. The Pachirisu torture was probably supposed to be serious, but I found it unintentially humurous. But, if it is a critical part of the plot, then let it stay, others may not find it so funny.

The most critical element you lack is description. I mean, you failed to describe a thing in critical detail. The things you described:
A girl with brown hair and short stature
What Pachirisu looked like
What a Pokeball looks like... kind of.
His shirt
His hair
That storage ball
...And that's about it.

You failed to describe crucial things such as:
-The surroundings. What does the place look like? His house could be a grand mansion, a simple four-roomer or a cardboard box. You're not telling the reader anything.
-What the characters look like. You tell us what colour Costa's hair is, and you even bother with his shirt, but not even his face, size, or shape? As for other characters, you didn't even bother to describe their shirts. As a result, every reader will have a different perception of each characters appearance, depending on their imagination.
-Another minor quirk: the characters. I see that Dustin was acting like a jerk to take Pachirisu (although it'll come back to bite him, Pachi is a crap pokemon) but Meagan is supposed to like cute pokemon. So why did she pick Gible over the likes of Jigglypuff, or Squirtle? I mean, Gible isn't exactly what I'd call cute, it's a tiny little monster with razor sharp teeth. By doing this, you are sending mixed messages to the audience.

Just alot of critique. However, your word usage is solid, but not fantastic. Your language is fine, your grammar is flawless. Also, to your credit, the story is still very solid.

I look forward to seeing more attempts from you in the future.

Skip Shot · Dec 24, 2008

SkyPioneer said:
It's an alright storyline, however, your narrative lacks a few key elements that any good story requires. Before I start, I must warn you, my critque is harsh. So just don't flame or anything, keep in mind that I post in good intentions.

First of all, when I followed the link from your sig, I thought this was a comedy/parody or something. Why? A rather lulzworthy MS painted pokeball against an epic background depicts pure awesome. The part where he gets tortured by a Pachirisu is also so very lulzy. After that, though, my laughter faded, as I realized this story was quite serious. So, with that there image, you are giving the audience a wrong impression. The Pachirisu torture was probably supposed to be serious, but I found it unintentially humurous. But, if it is a critical part of the plot, then let it stay, others may not find it so funny.
Pachi part was supposed to be serious. I don't see where the humor is. Also, it is a foreshadowing of a much later part of the story.

The most critical element you lack is description. I mean, you failed to describe a thing in critical detail. The things you described:
A girl with brown hair and short stature
What Pachirisu looked like
What a Pokeball looks like... kind of.
His shirt
His hair
That storage ball
...And that's about it.

You failed to describe crucial things such as:
-The surroundings. What does the place look like? His house could be a grand mansion, a simple four-roomer or a cardboard box. You're not telling the reader anything.
Ok. So, I'll describe the houses more, I guess I felt that most of the time, journey stories in Pokemon always begin in the same old boring two-story house. I'll add description.

-What the characters look like. You tell us what colour Costa's hair is, and you even bother with his shirt, but not even his face, size, or shape? As for other characters, you didn't even bother to describe their shirts. As a result, every reader will have a different perception of each characters appearance, depending on their imagination.
Hmm... I'll have to edit that as well.

-Another minor quirk: the characters. I see that Dustin was acting like a jerk to take Pachirisu (although it'll come back to bite him, Pachi is a crap pokemon) but Meagan is supposed to like cute pokemon. So why did she pick Gible over the likes of Jigglypuff, or Squirtle? I mean, Gible isn't exactly what I'd call cute, it's a tiny little monster with razor sharp teeth. By doing this, you are sending mixed messages to the audience.
I was rereading the fic after looking at this, and the plot did seem a little confusing, especially with the fact that I included the part about the last Dragon starter.

Just alot of critique. However, your word usage is solid, but not fantastic. Your language is fine, your grammar is flawless. Also, to your credit, the story is still very solid.

I look forward to seeing more attempts from you in the future.

I'll be making changes to the fic, it will take a little while to make it look a lot better. I'll be in Arizona the next few days, I'll be planning my next chapter then.

SkyPioneer · Jan 3, 2009

I found Pachi funny because it's such a crap Pokemon, and the character is scared ****less of it. Do not, for the sake of originality, make it a typical two story house. Your setting will then fail to withhold the users attention because it's so cliche. Anyway, get editing. Not like you'll ever have time too. You'd just keep putting it off. How do I know? Because I'm just like you. Anyway, keep working.

Skip Shot · Jan 19, 2009

Oh, goodness! I've posted another chapter! *gasp* I spent a long time making it, so I hope its acceptable. Let the vultures dig in!

Chapter 1.2 : A Pichu and a Sitrus Tree

Costa laid down in the grass, watching countless numbers of Starly flying ahead. This is what being a Trainer really is about, he thought to himself. Nature really is a beautiful thing. He sighed contentedly, letting the gentle breeze blow his black hair across his forehead, enjoying the luxury of being able to witness such a beautiful sight…
"PAAAACHIIII!" shrieked Dustin's Pachirisu as it fired a trio of blue lightning bolts at Costa. Costa got out of the way just in time. Standing up angrily, he walked up to Dustin. "What was that for?!" he yelled.

"Look, I didn't mean for Pachirisu to hit you. Pachirisu's Discharge still has a shaky accuracy, and we've been 'practicing' while you've been napping," Dustin smirked, knowing that Costa couldn't say anything more. Sighing, Costa slung his pack over his shoulder, getting ready to continue onwards to Gremulata City, where he, Dylan, and Meagan would challenge the Gym there. He was just about to leave when he noticed that Meagan wasn't with them. Her cherry-red pack was still lying on the ground where she had placed it down. A quick search of it revealed that her Pokedex was also gone.

"She probably went out looking for Pokemon," Dustin said. "She'll be back before long. We should just sit here and wait." No sooner had he said this than a piercing shriek rang through the air. Costa jolted up from the stump that he had been sitting on. "That could've been Meagan!" he shouted. "We should try and find her now! Let's go!"
Dustin agreed, but not before placing an empty Pokeball on his belt- just in case he ran across a wild Pokemon. Following the sound of the scream, Costa was able to navigate through the grass and find Meagan, who appeared to be on the verge of collapsing. Her Squirtle was next to her, and appeared to be in the same condition, its blue arms drooping downward.

Dustin ran up next to Costa, and stood shocked at Meagan and Squirtle. "W-What happened to them?" he asked, the fear obvious in his shivery tone.

"Hypnosis attack, I think," Costa said. "If it is, this should work." He walked up to Squirtle, took out a small bottle of water from his bag, and poured it over the little turtle's head. Squirtle stood up with a jolt, apparently having recovered from the effects of the Hypnosis.

"How did you do that?" Dustin asked, staring in awe at what Costa had done.

"I studied nature a lot, so I know quite a bit about basic techniques for curing conditions caused from moves, such as Hypnosis or Toxic," Costa replied. He then squatted down next to Squirtle. "I want you to wake up Meagan by spraying a Water Gun in her face. Can you do that?" He inquired of the Squirtle.

"Squirt!" The little blue turtle replied confidently. He then released a small jet of water from his mouth that struck Meagan square in the face. Meagan sprang up instantly, shocked by the cold water slamming against her face. She looked down at her Squirtle with her trademark intimidating gaze. This caused Squirtle to hide behind Costa's jean leg. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?!" Meagan screamed.

"Uhh… you just got hypnotized, and I had Squirtle snap you out of it," Costa said. As if to confirm, Squirtle peeked out from behind Costa's leg, an innocent smile crossing its face. "Do you have any idea what hypnotized you?" Costa asked Meagan.

It seemed to be an "on-cue day", because right after Costa said this, Meagan shrieked as a tiny blue ball jumped onto her head and slapped her across the face multiple times with a white and black striped tail. The blue ball then nimbly hopped off of Meagan and onto the grass. Costa then got a good look at what the "ball" was. The "ball" had transparent, circular innards, large, white, eyes, and a fat pink nose- the exact description of a Poliwag.

Meagan leered down angrily at the Poliwag, who began to shudder in fear. "THAT'S IT FOR YOU, YOU BASTARD!" she screamed angrily. "You will pay for this! Squirtle, let's get it!"

"Squirtle!" The turtle proclaimed, drawing its stumpy arms into a fighting position. The Poliwag made the first move, jumping at Squirtle with blinding speed and slapping it multiple times across the face with its tail. Meagan, who had already checked Squirtle's moves with her Pokedex, called out to Squirtle: "Don't take that from that *****! Use Ice Punch!"

The end of Squirtle's left arm began to shimmer with a crystalline light as the turtle brought his arm down into Poliwag's transparent innards. Poliwag flew back, taking the full force of the hit. It jumped up quickly, however, and fired a trio of ice-blue bolts at Squirtle. The little turtle barely leaded out of range of the Ice Beam in time!

"Squirtle, use Water Pulse!"

Squirtle summoned a ball of energy between its hands, then threw it hadouken-style at Poliwag. Poliwag nimbly dodged the attack before blasting a large jet of water at Squirtle. Although the attack didn't do much, it gave Poliwag time to hypnotize Squirtle, making it jump into a thorny bush nearby. Although Squirtle came out full of cuts, it was free of the hypnotism.

"Squirtle, end this! Slam that Poliwag with a Water Gun!"

Squirtle fired a jet of water at Poliwag that struck dead on, sending the little tadpole into a tree nearby. Meagan then took a Pokeball out of her pocket. She was about to throw it when another Pokeball hit Poliwag. A red beam surrounded the tadpole, sucking it into the Pokeball. The ball shook several times before settling on the ground, signifying Poliwag's capture.

Costa and Meagan watched in shock as the thrower of the Pokeball- also known as Dustin- walked up to the Pokeball and clipped it onto his belt. Meagan was on him almost immediately, punching him on every part of the body her flailing fists could land on. "YOU… DIRTY… THIEF! I FOUGHT THAT SON OF A ***** FAIR AND SQUARE, AND YOU JUST WALKED UP AND CAUGHT IT LIKE YOU HAD BATTLED IT!?!?! WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU!" she screamed.

Costa, who had gone to check on Squirtle, broke up the fight before Dustin could think of a response. "Meagan… Squirtle is severely hurt."

Meagan rushed over. "What do you mean?" She looked down at her Pokemon, who had slashes all over his body from the thorns. He appeared to have lost quite a bit of blood, and although Costa had sealed the cuts with antiseptic wash, Squirtle still looked very weak. Meagan looked up at Costa, her face of anger changed to one of worry. "What are we going to do?"

"You and Dustin take Squirtle back to the stump where we stopped for a rest and make sure he gets plenty of food, water, and rest. I'm going to go out and look for some Oran Berries. Those might heal Squirtle. I'll be back as soon as I can." Costa slung his pack over his shoulder, then walked off into the meadow.

"Be quick," Meagan murmured to herself, watching Costa walk off. She then picked up Squirtle gingerly, and carried him back to the stump. A small pair of yellow ears in the grass nearby also began to slowly move along in the same direction as Meagan. In all of the worry, no one noticed the ears.

*************************************************************

Night had fallen. The starry, black sky covered the meadow, and several Noctowl were flying around, searching for baby Pokemon that hadn't made it back to their homes in time.

A bobbing light suddenly appeared in the meadow, heading towards a thicket of bushes nearby. Costa walked towards the thicket, flashlight in hand. He had spent the last three hours looking for Oran Berries, but had had no luck. He pressed on, growing exhausted from all the walking.

Costa arrived at the bushes, and scanned them for Oran Berries. Finding none on the surface, he separated the leaves, and searched deeper into the tree. He then caught a glimpse of a trio of small, round, purple berries in the deepest part of the tree. A wave of relief passing over his body, Costa took another step forward, and grabbed the Oran Berries. After carefully storing the Berries in a container in his bag, Costa headed back to the camp- when he tripped over something rock hard. Falling to the ground hard on his face, Costa turned around to see what he had tripped over.

A small, green lizard popped up, angry at being woken up. Costa was shocked at the lizard. It had ferocious, red eyes, and a thick, gray skullcap. Although Costa recognized it as a Bagon, he also knew that Bagons were blue, not green. The color shocked him, and left him staring in wonder…
until a flurry of red projectiles shot from Bagon's mouth, forcing Costa to duck from the Ember attack. Calling his Gible from his Pokeball, Costa prepared for a fight.

"Gible! Use Dragon Rage!" Costa called.

"Gible!" the little land shark cried as it summoned a ball of fiery energy in front of its mouth. Letting out another cry, Gible released the ball of energy towards the Bagon, who nimbly leapt out of the way before firing off a highly-powered jet of water at Gible, who took a heavy impact from the attack? "Was that a Hydro Pump?" Costa wondered aloud? "I definitely want this Bagon now! Gible, Sand Tomb!"

Gible let out another cry, summoning a whirlwind of sand that surrounded Bagon. The green lizard was trapped inside.

"Now, use Slash!"

Gible fearlessly ran into the whirlwind and slashed Bagon across the chest with its sharp claws. Bagon flew out of the whirlwind, breathing heavily.

"Finish it with Dragon Rage!"

Gible fired another ball of fire energy at Bagon. This time, the ball slammed into Bagon, creating a smoky explosion. Costa flung a Pokeball into the smoky cloud, hoping to net the Bagon. When the smoke cleared, the Pokeball was there, stationary and still.
Costa picked up the Pokeball, and threw it into the air. Out of the Pokeball came the green Bagon. "Bagon?" it questioned, wandering around in a confused daze. Costa watched it for a while, then remembered Squirtle. Returning Gible and Bagon to their Pokeballs, Costa dashed off to the camp.

When he arrived, he found Squirtle looking very feeble. Dustin was asleep in a blanket nearby, but Meagan was still up, watching Squirtle. "He hasn't moved or woken up all night," she whimpered sadly.

"I found a couple of Oran Berries. If you can open his mouth, I'll put in the Berries. Hope this works." Meagan lifted open Squirtle's mouth while Costa forced in 3 Oran Berries. After a few minutes, Squirtle started to look a little better, but it wasn't enough. "We need some Sitrus Berries," Costa said. "They're the only hope for Squirtle now."

"But where can we get some? Sitrus Berries are the rarest in Regata!"

"I don't know. I'll go and look for some, but I doubt I'll find any. Wish me luck." Costa then got up again, and walked off into the bushes, hoping to find Sitrus Berries.

Meagan watched him go off, then held Squirtle close to her body and cried in frustration. After a few minutes, she decided that crying wasn't going to do anything, so she set Squirtle down on the soft, yellow blanket she had laid out. Drawing a canteen of water from her bag, she poured some into Squirtle's mouth, hoping it would make him feel better. Exhausted from the terrifying day, Meagan decided to get a little sleep.
At dawn, Costa returned to the camp. He found Meagan sleeping next to the stump, which Squirtle was lying on. He gently shook her shoulder to wake her up. When she looked at him with hopeful eyes, he shook his head slowly. Meagan, saddened by the fact her Squirtle might not make it, began to cry again, and buried her face into Costa's shoulder. Costa held her for a little bit, trying to comfort her.

As the sun rose, Costa let go of Meagan and went to wake up Dustin. He was almost to the tent when he saw something move in the brush. He walked over to investigate. A small, yellow mouse with pointed ears crawled up to Costa, and dropped a plump, yellow Sitrus Berry at his feet. "Pichu?" the little mouse inquired, nudging the Berry towards Costa.

"Thanks," Costa replied, grabbing the Berry. He walked briskly back over to the stump, and forced the Sitrus Berry down Squirtle's mouth, as before. As he waited to see if it would work, the Pichu walked over to Meagan, nestling its tiny body in the crook of her arm. Meagan, shocked by the Pichu's behavior, decided to take advantage of the comfort. She stroked the Pichu gently, being careful to not get electrocuted by the sparks that intermittently flew from its cheeks.

After about an hour, Squirtle woke up. He jumped onto his feet, and hobbled towards Meagan. "Squirtle Squirt?" it questioned, seeing Meagan's depression.
Meagan looked over at Squirtle. The depressed look on her face changed to one of pure happiness. She jumped on top of Squirtle, hugging it fiercely. "Squirtle!" she cried happily, holding it to her body.

The commotion was enough to wake Dustin up. He lumbered lazily out of the tent, grumbling at being woken up at an early hour. When he saw Meagan though, he stopped and watched her rejoice over Squirtle's recovery. Smiling a little bit, he went back into under the blanket to get some more sleep.

Meagan let go of Squirtle, who jumped onto the ground, gasping for air. She looked at the Pichu, who had stood on the ground, watching. "Thank you," she said gratefully. "I can't thank you enough for what you did for Squirtle. How can I repay you?"

The Pichu answered by running over to Meagan's pack, taking out a Pokeball, and jumping into it. The ball never shook. "Well, actions do speak louder than words," Meagan said to herself, clipping the Pokeball to her belt. Standing up, she recalled Squirtle to his Pokeball, then got ready to leave.

Costa, who had been watching from nearby, smiled to himself, then walked over to Dustin. Kicking Dustin's gut, Costa said, "Dustin, wake up. We need to get moving to Gremulata City."

Astinus · Jan 19, 2009

SkyPioneer said:
I found Pachi funny because it's such a crap Pokemon, and the character is scared ****less of it. Do not, for the sake of originality, make it a typical two story house. Your setting will then fail to withhold the users attention because it's so cliche. Anyway, get editing. Not like you'll ever have time too. You'd just keep putting it off. How do I know? Because I'm just like you. Anyway, keep working.

Pardon me for a second, but excuse me?

First off, no one can claim that someone should not be afraid of something just because you don't think it's frightening. And just because Pachirisu's stats in the game aren't the best, doesn't mean that a human being shouldn't be afraid of it when it's about to electrocute them. o_O

And you can't say that Sc4rfCh0mp won't work on his fic because "he's just like you". Unless you do know him, you can't say those things about someone.

And after reading the opening of the first chapter, I don't see what's so amusing about it. Nor do I see anything funny about his banner. He did the best he could to make his banner to gain attention for his fic. He took the time to do that, so I would say that he's rather serious about this fic.

Don't be blunt for the sake of being "~edgy~". Sure, you had some good advice in there, but you don't have to insult a person by calling them lazy.

Sc4rfCh0mp, to you I say that your fic is of pretty good quality. I don't have the time to do a full review, nor do I have much time to read over the chapter fully. But it looks like you took the time to work on this chapter.

Wish I did have the time to review, but... =) Still, continue this fic because you've got a good thing going here.

SkyPioneer · Jan 26, 2009

Astinus said:
Pardon me for a second, but excuse me?

First off, no one can claim that someone should not be afraid of something just because you don't think it's frightening. And just because Pachirisu's stats in the game aren't the best, doesn't mean that a human being shouldn't be afraid of it when it's about to electrocute them. o_O

And you can't say that Sc4rfCh0mp won't work on his fic because "he's just like you". Unless you do know him, you can't say those things about someone.

And after reading the opening of the first chapter, I don't see what's so amusing about it. Nor do I see anything funny about his banner. He did the best he could to make his banner to gain attention for his fic. He took the time to do that, so I would say that he's rather serious about this fic.

Don't be blunt for the sake of being "~edgy~". Sure, you had some good advice in there, but you don't have to insult a person by calling them lazy.

Sc4rfCh0mp, to you I say that your fic is of pretty good quality. I don't have the time to do a full review, nor do I have much time to read over the chapter fully. But it looks like you took the time to work on this chapter.

Wish I did have the time to review, but... =) Still, continue this fic because you've got a good thing going here.

Heh, your comment made me chuckle, thanks. +1 rep for you (but it's probably neutral because of my -rep).

Anyway, just so that I don't seem like a troll, I'll answer some of your rhetorical questions.

Regarding Pachi, no, it's stats aren't the best, they're one of the worst. Also, think of it for a second before releasing your anguish in blind rage.
Look at that thing.

Does that look like it'd be a bad ass torture pokemon? I mean, come on, look at it. It's cute.
That's why it made me laugh. Well, it was a contributing factor anyway.

Also, in regards to you taking completely random things incredibly personally, I speak from experience. All amatuer writers place their work at the bottom of their priorities. Everything seems more important. Of course, this is debatable, but unless you are a writer yourself, you have no right to contradict me. If you are a writer, feel free to take it to PM.

me said:
thought this was a comedy/parody or something. Why? A rather lulzworthy MS painted pokeball against an epic background depicts pure awesome.

If you don't find it funny, then big deal, some one has a different opinion, move on.
Also, for the record, I clearly stated why I thought it was funny. I never said that I found anything wrong with it either, so get off my case. Read my full posts, please.

And why post if you have no critique :/

I'm critiqueing this para by para. If I've missed one, it's because I find no big error with it.

getting ready to continue onwards to Gremulata City, where he, Dylan, and Meagan

Who the hell is Dylan :/

Following the sound of the scream, Costa was able to navigate through the grass and find Meagan, who appeared to be on the verge of collapsing. Her Squirtle was next to her, and appeared to be in the same condition, its blue arms drooping downward.

At least give us a direction. Like maybe "Ooohh, that scream came from that-a-way" Costa pointed to his right.
That's just a poor example. But that just goes on to your recurring problem of a lack of description.
Also, on the verge of collapsing? More detail, please. I'm quite sure that people don't sleep when they're on the verge of collapsing. When I say more detail, it's because when you say that they're about to hit the hay, I get the implication that the two are resisting and fighting a losing battle. Therefore, more detail is needed (perhaps note that one character is clinging onto a tree for support or something).

"Hypnosis attack, I think," Costa said. "If it is, this should work." He walked up to Squirtle, took out a small bottle of water from his bag, and poured it over the little turtle's head. Squirtle stood up with a jolt, apparently having recovered from the effects of the Hypnosis.

Just my two cents, but the main character would look waaaay more pro if he used something more than just water (maybe whipping out an awakening and saying "Aha! I've got just the thing" or something). Still, it's your story.

"Do you have any idea what hypnotized you?" Costa asked Meagan.

Pretty much a basic writing technique. Never, EVER use the word ask. Maybe inquired or questioned would be a better word than ask.

Squirtle summoned a ball of energy between its hands, then threw it hadouken-style at Poliwag. Poliwag nimbly dodged the attack before blasting a large jet of water at Squirtle. Although the attack didn't do much, it gave Poliwag time to hypnotize Squirtle, making it jump into a thorny bush nearby. Although Squirtle came out full of cuts, it was free of the hypnotism.

Haduken style isn't a word, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that those arms are too short to throw anything. Change that.
Also, you worded the last two sentences poorly. You make it seem like
A) Squirtle was hypnotised and jumped into the bush or
B) Squirtle performed an epic leap of faith and was hypnotised mid flight.

Meagan was on him almost immediately, punching him on every part of the body her flailing fists could land on

, punching him on every part of the body her flailing fists could land on

Do I really have to say anymore? A poor demonstration of word usage.

"Meagan… Squirtle is severely hurt."

It seemed fine just a minute ago. If it used the last of it's strength, make sure you include that in your story.

Night had fallen. The starry, black sky covered the meadow, and several Noctowl were flying around, searching for baby Pokemon that hadn't made it back to their homes in time.

I'm congratulating you for this bit. It reminds me of Owls that fly at night to swoop down and eat any small animals that haven't returned home in time.

"Gible! Use Dragon Rage!" Costa called.

"Gible!" the little land shark cried as it summoned a ball of fiery energy in front of its mouth. Letting out another cry, Gible released the ball of energy towards the Bagon, who nimbly leapt out of the way before firing off a highly-powered jet of water at Gible, who took a heavy impact from the attack? "Was that a Hydro Pump?" Costa wondered aloud? "I definitely want this Bagon now! Gible, Sand Tomb!"
Gible let out another cry, summoning a whirlwind of sand that surrounded Bagon. The green lizard was trapped inside.
"Now, use Slash!"
Gible fearlessly ran into the whirlwind and slashed Bagon across the chest with its sharp claws. Bagon flew out of the whirlwind, breathing heavily.
"Finish it with Dragon Rage!"

Not a fantastic battle. It's better than most others I see here in this section, but it could be better. These things just take practise, so keep at it and you'll be writing epic battles in your sleep. So, a good attempt, props to you.

"Thanks," Costa replied, grabbing the Berry

This is probably the worst part of this chapter. The character acts like wild pokemon come out of nowhere and offer him rare berries every day.
You failed to record his reaction. A simple "thanks" is failure.

So.
Good work, definitely an improvement last time. Also, I think you should stop and think the story through before you continue writing. Why? Because of your edit, I now know the following:
A)Sneasel was only a selection out of personal preference and was expendible. And,
B)Gible will have a great deal to do with the story line.

Another note, you could have had Gible select Costa as well, but that's irrelevant.
Keep it up.

Legacy of the Ball

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