Please give me feed back, I will update this every once in a while.
"Lavi!"
Bam, A pool of blood surrounded my head as if I was struck by a rock twice the size of an elephant. I must not fail my friends now. It's my job to protect them... My vision is going blurry... Please God, Please don't leave my side now...
The main problem with this paragraph is that it switches between past and present tenses. Pick one and stick with it. Also, Bam seems a bit weird, just sitting there. Either put it in a sentence of its own, usually italicised, like this-
Bam! or show it to the reader instead of telling them. Eg: The sound of a gunshot split the night air. (I'm just assuming it was a gun, but the problem is, there's no description to tell us what anything is, never mind the bam noise. And your rock simile is a little awkward. The "twice the size of an elephant" bit is really unnecessary. Just say it felt like you were hit with a large rock, and leave it at that. Avoid overkill, in other words.
"He's awake!" a hushed women said to someone.
This sentence is full of oopsies, if you excuse the adolescent term. 'Women' is the
plural form of 'woman', so you should use the latter here. Also, this doesn't seem to make sense. Perhaps if you said something along the lines of "said the hushed voice of what I presumed to be a woman". The fact that it's a woman's voice isn't really necessary here either, so you could just leave it at "a hushed voice".
I blinked a few times and realized I had no idea where I was or who I was.
Perhaps you could say something like "...no idea
where or who I was". "...where I was and who I was" is kind of redundant. On top of that, the character seems to come to this conclusion quite quickly. The two clauses in your sentence are completely unrelated, as well. Did blinking make him forget his identity? It's unclear to the reader.
"Who are you?" I thought in my head. But many other questions swelled in my thoughts as well. "Where am I?... Who am I...?" I felt like asking the women in front of me all the questions I had at that moment. But my lips would not move.
Again, 'woman,' not 'women'. Thoughts are usually not put in speech marks. It varies between authors, of course, but it's usually
italicised. And how is the woman in front of you. Having just come around from unconsciousness, I assume your character would be lying down, unless of course he's sat up without you telling us, which is a bit lacking. This also reminds me of something else. Is your character male or female? Young or old, angsty or carefree? You tell us nothing about the character. In a prologue, this is sometimes done, but it has to be done exceptionally well to have any effect whatsoever.
"Hello? Can you hear me? Hello?"
"Ergh... Yeah I hear you..." Somehow I got the courage to say those words. But then I felt I could speak freely.
"I found you in the woods with my father. You were bleeding heavily from your head, and no sign of life there..." she said quietly. I got up and felt a pain in my abdomen and in my head. Bandages. Nothing but bandages. I felt them but I could only feel the cold wet feeling of the crimson blood.
Yeah, this paragraph is pretty much the same thing. See above. There should logically be a comma after 'Yeah', as that's a separate clause or something. And "I found you in the woods with my father." Does that mean she and her father found the main character in the woods? Or did she find the main character and her father in the woods together? And in that last sentence: at the beginning you say you felt the bandages. Later on, you say all you could feel was the blood. This is also 'sense-crossing'. You're describing the cold, wet
feeling of the blood, and then you go on to the
crimson blood, which is
visual. This is acceptable, but shaky.
Plotwise, there's nothing to go on. Your entire 'chapter' is shorter than my review, and that's never a good sign, even though I am quite long-winded. Short chapters aren't necessarily bad, but this particular short chapter doesn't tell you anything. It doesn't convey emotion, doesn't really set a scene, or have a definite purpose. I can't see what you're trying to do here, or even determine the genre.
Should I continue? Feedback please. :D
You want my advice? Go write this again, in MS Word or OpenOffice. Revise it, edit it, get a beta reader, and publish it
when you are convinced it is ready. Provide backstory, avoid cliches (which this looks like it could be full of), and for Pete's sake,
do not type fanfiction up in the reply box, which is what it looks like this has been. It's ill-formatted and brief, and all it tells me is that you can't be bothered putting more than five minutes' work into a piece of fiction, ostensibly for the reading pleasure of others. Don't give up on writing it, but just try it again.
Be safe, think positive, and don't eat yellow snow!
