[Pokémon] Red and Blue saga

Chapter 1: Pokemon's big hit!
22 episodes of a new show called Pokemon had aired on American T.V, I myself loved since it was so creative and it was part of nintendo for some reason, also I'm a big fan of Nintendo I own all the consoles most of them are from my brothers but the Red gameboy colour was my own after saving up 4 months of Pocket money and chores money, but there wasn't anything good for my Gameboy Mario was old and everything else wasn't entertaining it was either too short or too easy.

After the 22nd episode, an ad came on advertising Pokemon the game in 2 different versions, Red and Blue, I was so amazed by the totally new gameplay and it was cheap aswell only for $45.

Walking to school I past the local video game store which had 2 posters of Pokemon Red and Blue, I went in to see Chuck who was already playing it on his Black Gameboy colour. He asked me "You want to lay by Pokemon Red or Blue?" I quicky said "Red!" it looked way cooler with that Dragon. As I oaid for the game, Chuck said "You know that this is like a last resort of Nintendo I think they are going to die out after this I mean the media even says Gameboy and Nintendo are practically dead."

T be continued............

I'm actually really confused as to what's going on, and not in a good way. The main reason I'm confused is because I can't quite figure out what your character is talking about.

A reason for this is because of grammar itself. Take a look at the first paragraph. That long thing is actually one sentence when it should be many.

22 episodes of a new show called Pokemon had aired on American T.V. I myself loved it since it was so creative and it was part of Nintendo for some reason. Also I'm a big fan of Nintendo. I own all the consoles. Most of them are from my brothers, but the Red GameBoy Colour was my own after saving up four months of Pocket and chores money.But there wasn't anything good for my GameBoy. Mario was old and everything else wasn't entertaining. it was either too short or too easy.

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That's what your first paragraph would look like with fixed grammar. You could split your sentences this way, or reword them so that so many aren't short. Maybe combine a few.

I noticed that you have a few typos as well. If you had taken a small bit of time to read over your chapter before you posted it, then you would have caught them. For instance "oaid" instead of "paid".

I'm wondering if you just typed this directly into the new post box. For some people, that works, but right now I'd suggest that you use a way to save your story to your computer so you can work on it at your own pace. You won't have to rush out your chapter, you can read over what you typed to fix mistakes or add something to the chapter, and you can post it whenever you're ready.

Another thing I would suggest is adding more description to the story. That was another reason why I became confused, because I had no idea what was going on in this story. Especially the part where Nintendo isn't popular.

Just take your time writing the story. Set the world that the story takes place in (especially since you'll have to explain why the top video game company is going bankrupt, unless the media was talking about the seizure incident), give the characters some depth to themselves. The chapter needs more added to it so that readers don't get confused and rushed around.

I'd suggested asking for a beta reader to help you with your writing. What a beta reader does is look over your chapter before you post it to the forums, and work with you one-on-one in private to help clean up your chapter.

Good luck, and hoping to see more from you.