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Huh...

Posted February 12th, 2015 at 6:25 PM by Alexander Nicholi

I think a lot of times it's hard for me to gauge where I am with things... and I think that makes sense.

So much of my development is just polar beyond belief... I have the intelligence and critical thinking of someone at retiring age, I have really dashing looks that I pride myself in maintaining, and I lack the want to understand in others' place, and I constantly judge everything around me (myself most of all). Sure, I could logically empathize consciously, but I don't see the reason to. Sure, I could not judge everything around me, but then how would I organize my life? Sure, I could look ugly and not worry about it, but remember, I judge! Sure, I have all of the intelligence to fix everything and I lack the motivation!

It's so confusing dealing with all of this... I'm a little boy in one aspect and an old man in another. My strengths and weaknesses are insanely strong and insanely weak. It's really hard making heads or tails of things.

And another thing I notice happening are these in-an-out bouts of empathy to the tenth power, an insane lack of caring to judge anything at all, and a complete disinterest in what others think or anything else for that matter. I'll be near tears in empathy for something merely in the likeness of a human, or I'll just want to gorge myself on food as a 'psyduck you' to that self of mine. But then it goes away, and I don't understand why. Why can't that opposite me just give up its positives? Why can't I control that?

In the confusion of all of these things, my negatives bring me that much more of a hate towards them out of interactions. Before I can even try to train empathy into myself I'm getting attacked over a misunderstanding, and it puts me in a mental bind about what to even do, if anything. I can't stop the program to debug it.

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