Under the radar...(Day 23 of 365)

Current mood: ??????
Currently watching: Roy playing Dark Souls 3

Today, I blog about a "What if" about…I guess one or two certain things. A lot of stuff has happened as we start a new week.

First of all, in my own circle of friends, a lot of relationships had ended on the course of two days. From Sunday to today. Yesterday I just found out that two of my best friends, who were in a wonderful relationship together, broke up. Which was really devastating for me because I was actually rooting for them. I was hoping they would last more than one year, especially when they are living together. It was probably rushed and too soon, in my opinion.

Alongside that couple that broke up, two others broke up as well. It was getting out of hand and I was getting messages from each person from each couple telling me the whole story on what had gone wrong. I was getting a little overwhelmed and while it was interfering with my "me" time for a bit, I had to put off most of the conversations until when I got back home.

Now, in our circle of friends, Roy and I remain as the only couple. It sounds weird to say, but also pretty eerie for me. As mention in previous blogs, he and I have been bickering and fighting sometimes, and that's due to my possible BPD as well as my anxiety. But what is it that we have that these three couples don't?

Compromise. Communication. Love. Work. Integrity.

There will be times that I will be annoyed as fuck with Roy, to the point that I'm gonna want to leave home for a day or two. But when I'm ready to come back, he will have his arms open for me, because he knows that I will be coming back. My biggest fear is…what if one day, he doesn't have his arms open for me? What if one day he gets fed up with every fight? I asked him that yesterday. I find it worrisome that he just simply says "I'm used to all the anger" mainly due to his parents constantly fighting back when he was living in his childhood home in Northwest Houston. He has seen me stressed, angry, depressed, sad, distant. He doesn't care for all that anymore. All he wants from me is to be relaxed (which I'm trying to work on, but work has been very stressful lately), to be happy and to see me smile, and to love myself, which is something I've been lacking since he literally told me to love myself as much as I love him.

I just feel really awkward talking to these friends as individuals now and not as couples, because I KNEW them as couples, even when they were still dating. One of them didn't even last a year, and that's shocking. Roy and I are about to hit two years this year, and we've been the longest in our group of friends.