A reflection on my mental health (Day 15 of 365)

Current mood: bored
Currently playing: Crash Bandicoot (first game, original PS1)

This is gonna be a blog where I can reflect on my own thoughts. We're 15 days into 2017 and quite honestly it's still early to say that I've accomplished anything.

However, I've been sitting on this same spot at my home…all day today. Thinking about my past behaviours, my mood, my weird energy. How my anxiety was so severe these days (or rather, months). I've been contemplating to see a doctor, but I wanted to see if I could improve, but it looks like I couldn't. I usually get irritated easily by the little things people do, including my boyfriend and his mom, as well as a few friends of mine. I'm asking myself why Roy and I have been fighting and arguing all the time the past few months, and the majority of them were because I had issues with every little thing. This is not me. This is not the Megana people know anymore. Oftentimes I keep thinking I'm turning into my own mother when I argue with Roy, but it's really not that. It could be something worse.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Back then my eating habits were absolutely awful, and my insomnia was atrocious. I was prescribed medication for it, but that only made it worse, making me feel suicidal. So I was suspended from the medication and I had to simply rely on therapy. But I started a new job during said therapy and I couldn't attend. However, the energy from my job back then was the solution to my anxiety. It was calming, and I was able to work even during points of stress and hecticness. So, working at a job was a great way to ease everything up. I was starting to eat right, handle situations easier now, grades were getting better at college, and I was getting along with people now.

I still kept in touch with my therapist though, via email. She wanted me to keep me up to date by giving her "monthly updates" (hence why I do those monthly here). But I lost contact with her when I moved to Houston almost two years ago, and I wanted to update her on my condition, and wanted to mention her about what's been going on with me.

When I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom this past July, my mental stability had gotten worse and worse for the first month. I was starting to feel extremely depressed (primarily because I had lost the only place I called home due to losing my IT job this past June). That sudden change did affect me deeply. Although I was happy that I'll be able to build my relationship with Roy much more often than every weekend like I did before, my…I guess, anxiety was getting in the way and there are times Roy gets worried and won't even know what to do with me (sometimes he can just back off and give me air and space). But these past few months with all the arguing and the bickering, I feel like I may have something more than that…to the point that I'm making his mom worry about me and how I'm treating his son emotionally.

And then there's those times where I have these weird fears…fears of Roy or any of my friends leaving me behind for no reason. Let's go back to my high school years. Let me tell you why I have these constant fears of abandonment. Freshman year of high school was the absolute worst year of my life. I had the greatest friends, I really did. Until for some reason, I decided to terminate all these great friendships so I could hang out with some upperclassmen who thought I was cool. I was manipulated by them eventually. I was bullied, threatened, called really bad names, abused mentally and physically by them. These "greatest" friends I had before, no longer wanted to be my friend. But you know what I noticed after that? Every friendship I had since high school, I was the one to terminate or leave behind. Quite honestly, ever since then I never actually had a stable friendship. Relationships are the same too. My first boyfriend and I had dated for one year and nine months, and I actually terminated the relationship myself, not him. All because I could not handle the stress of the relationship itself (it was also a long distance one so yeah). Unstable friendships, unstable relationships, I have a long history of those…and not to mention I have an unstable relationship with my cousins, and this dates even before my grandmother passed away.

I'm approaching two years with Roy and my instability is getting to him. I feel like any moment now, our relationship will terminate and I seriously have no plan B in case I have to move out of this house. I'm actually trying my best to work, but these feelings, these emotions, they're…not helping me at all. I keep telling him that I'm just not "me" these days, and the only thing he could do is to hug me and tell me everything would be fine. In my heart I'm okay, but inside my head I feel like my brain cells are going insane, like a black cloud has engulfed my whole brain. I should be happy that I have someone who has to deal with all this bullshit, because if it was someone else he would have been long gone by now. But Roy has stayed by me ever since, and I've done the same with him.

I've read so many mental health articles online. I don't call myself a hypochondriac when I do this, but all the instability of friendships/relationships, the fears of abandonment and rejection, as well as those weird feelings of emptiness or just emotionally unstable…they all point to a different mental disorder: Borderline Personality Disorder. I may be misdiagnosed in 2013, or maybe my so-called anxiety had gotten worse than I had thought in the past. Mental health is so weird in a way. You're diagnosed with one thing and sometime later you're coming up with something else. I would like to point out that these "intense " anxiety episodes, they do last a few hours…those are times when I really need the space from everything.

So, in retrospect, I'm planning to go see a doctor sometime this week, probably when Roy leaves for Houston to see his dad on Wednesday. I don't want him to worry about me. This is something for my own good, and for the best of our relationship. At this time I'm going to investigate what kind of natural herbs that could help me out with my emotional instability for the meantime. I heard St. John's Wort is a good one, but I'll have to find something else.