Blargh, here we go...(Day 11 of 365)

Mood: melancholy
Currently watching: Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

Aaaaaaaand here we go again! I lost count on how many I've had. Is it ever going to end? Am I doing something wrong here?

However, I actually learned something today after the 9th argument I've had with the boyfriend. Maybe these are quickly becoming common. They are meant to exist for a reason, because we, as a couple, have to compromise and work things out. This time we argued about breakfast, about what we were going to be eating in the morning. He wanted cereal but I wanted something else, like…I could make pancakes from scratch. I didn't mind cooking, but he didn't want me to stress out by getting my own ass off the bed to do them after working a lot this week.

I couldn't compromise with him so I went with a simple answer: nothing. I decided to leave home early and chill at Starbucks until it was time for work. However, my time at Starbucks was cut short as work needed me to come earlier, so it was another 8 hour shift for me. The same two techs called out, leaving more work for me.

I did a lot of thinking during work, as well as on my way back home. Guess who needs to chill the fuck out? Me. Guess who needs to be more compromising and less bitchy about every little thing? Me. Guess who needs to stop being an attention seeker and let the boy live? Me. Or at least that's what I think. My past relationships have scarred me so much that I get scared that I'm messing up. People keep telling me "oh well it's gonna be okay, it's just a phase", but I'm just like…"you don't understand"…like, I literally feel like I hurt his feelings every time I get pissy about stuff. I'm the one who needs a chill pill. Thankfully I know which herbal medicine I should take.

I think I'm just gonna make it official…I've decided to set a doctor's appointment. Next week. Roy's going to be with his dad's during that time (school starts for him), so I didn't want to worry him. I haven't been to therapy since 2013, which is the year I got diagnosed with anxiety. I feel like I may have more than that. I keep getting these constant fears of abandonment as well as instability between myself and my relationships towards people. I always get this constant thought that any time soon Roy is going to leave me out in the cold, and I know for sure he would never do that. I can't live with these constant arguments anymore, because if it does continue…our relationship will break at any given moment, and knowing him, it's gonna be devastating.