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  • you're getting better! it's a big improvement!!

    it looks like you're still having a bit of trouble with your past and present tense -- i'd also ask if you could be a bit more descriptive, especially during dialogue. you seem to cut off the dialogue before you describe how they say something. i mentioned that in my initial feedback.

    for instance -- saying hello can mean different things depending on tone. for instance

    "Hello," she said, a smile on her face.

    "Hello," she said forcefully.

    You can also describe what people are doing while they are talking.

    "Hello." She scratched her face, forcing a smile. "How are you doing?"

    do you see what i mean? :)
    If it was unfinished, that's against the rules as well. The rules clearly state that only finished chapters should be uploaded.
    It looks good to me! Although, be careful because that's as short as a chapter can be for me. Any shorter than that, and I may restrict it again. But, let's not focus on the negatives. The point is that you put in some extra work, and now you're free to continue!
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