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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU LOVELY CREATURE, YOU :3 just look at you, knocking off the years like they're coconuts! (That is a slightly tortured metaphor, yes. Moving swiftly on.) You're now even MORE old and wizened than when we first met, which makes me feel good about myself, for in comparison I am now even younger. I think. ;) This birthday greeting is going so well, isn't it? WAIT, COME BACK
...anyway, nonsense aside, happy freakin' birthday :3 you're awesome, I miss ya, and I was going to do this on Facebook but IT JUST SEEMS WRONG GODDAMMIT. There's a purity to this place. A shimmering sacredness. And on that dubiously Catholic metaphor...
We have a 10 piece Greasy Bag o' Chicken Nuggets for just a dollar forty-nine! ;) (That's right, I'm picking up the conversation where I unceremoniously dropped it on its head a month ago and hoping you won't notice. Because it's totally a common thing for people to burst back into one another's lives and go, 'HEY, YOU KNOW THAT THING YOU SAID LIKE FOUR WEEKS AGO? THAT THING, WHICH YOU REMEMBER, RIGHT? SHUT UP. YES YOU DO.')
Anyway, the point is: chicken salt. ;) x I think that's the only thing that matters. In the universe.
also... I KNOW RIGHT, I've actually f**king been to Scotland and sat by a lake but NO, they decided to build Hogwarts in California ;) and I would be lying through my imperfect British teeth if I said that the Wizarding World of Minerva Mc-JUST KIDDING That Kid With The Specs didn't play a bigger role than perhaps it should have done in the cooking up of this entire harebrained scheme. (Also, they HAVE HAGRID'S HUT. For realz. And Buckbeak sitting outside. And, and... oh, just come already ;) please?)
p.s. my excuse, such as it is, for being more absent than a footballer at a maternity ward... one, did you know Americans actually believe in working? Hard? At university? I dropped my monocole into my tea on my first day, I was so surprised. And two, a lazy, wizened part of me kept assuaging my guilt by being all like, 'but he has you on Facebook now! He knows you haven't driven off a cliff!' And it used this really comforting whisper, it was quite amazingly creepy.
But. That's HARDLY a substitute for our Great Correspondence, and I feel justly ashamed. Let the drought be lifted! Or, to put it another way... what's hip, hop and happening with you, 'chu? :3
Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. All calls may be recorded for training purposes and so that, one day, in the hideous and apocalyptic future, humanity's distant descendants will be able to look back on how it all went so very wrong and conclude that the original mistake was when Barrels met Andy, on a Pokémon forum in 2012.
...kinda totally stole that gag from HPMOR, but what the hell, it's funny ;) x and also Christmas nonsense was totally a compliment, sort of! (I actually do love that film; why am I being mean? It's beautifully acted. And written. And Hugh Grant.) Plus wtf is chicken salt MADE OF THOUGH THAT'S THE REALLY IMPORTANT QUESTION THAT YOU AUSTRALIANS CONTINUE TO DEFTLY SIDESTEP
I want my Ode to Chicken Salt. And and I'm also still in America, haha, just managed to convolute my sentence so hideously that it came out sounding contrariwise. I meant I was back from my immensely extended absence, posting from America. Y'see. Because that was totally obvious. ;)
Aha, now that rings a bell! I am SURE you've mentioned Legally Blonde before, and about 90% sure you were just as aghast when I confessed to being an ignoramus on the subject. ;) Is it about a blonde? Is she legal? Am I a disgusting individual for even suggesting that? ALL THIS AND MORE TO FOLLOW IN ANDY'S REPLY, which will probably be a week from now to punish me for my lackadaisicalness :(
Meryl who now? :P That also rings a bell... was she maybe on Graham Norton one time? What's she been in? I think maybe she was the girl from the Dark Knight but I could very well be wrong. And I mean I could Google it, but you know ;) takes all the fun out of life. And I like seeing you get apoplectic, iz funny ;) xxx
Kariong hahahahaaaa, that's so gonna be my new pet name for you ;) closely followed by Woy Woy. I'd like to see you hoot and click that. :P and d'aww, poor Boris, he's not half as frightening as Trump OR Cameron OR Ed Miliband. For proof, I present ye with this...
I now WANT a Pluto Pup, fetch me on ;) and if you're going to deep-fry a sausage you MAY AS WELL bloody put it on a stick, so help you God, so no thank you Australia. And yes thank you I got the hot chip ;) except for one thing, which is WHAT THE HELL IS CHICKEN SALT
those poor chickens
And I have actually seen Love Actually, actually! It is a marvellous piece of Christmas nonsense, to be sure ;) and Colin is such an absolute babe it is no wonder he gets jiggy with not one not two but four. Also your witticisms were quite sufficient to have me chortling, and also also I've left this so late I bet you've come down with your cold and risen right the f**k back up again :D
I had to Google Brooke Wyndham. xD and you knew I would, for you are intimately acquainted with my lack of acquaintance with anything a) musical or b) filmic. It's not like I'm studying it or anything. ;) apparently Brooke Wyndham was in Legally Blonde? Or The Devil Wears Prada? Or a documentary about eyebrows? But apparently #barrelsshotmj2K16, so who knows. ;) x
Cronulla ahahahahahaohmygod that's SUCH A WEIRD NAME! It sounds like what you'd get if you crossed a Cro-Magnon with a gorilla, which in turn sounds like our new Foreign Secretary. Sssshhh I didn't say that. :P also yes I can quite imagine, the F**king Heat must be quite unbearable if you're trying to have a protest against the Ultra-Christian-But-Not-So-Democrats. And you're right about the stiffened gaze, too, but it's not half so refreshing in the summer heat as a nice cold drinks of tears >:3
I respectfully request that you explain immediately the concept of a Pluto Pup, as well as a Kransky. The hot chip I can work out for myself ;) and ooooh haha, I totally forgot to scroll back to May 29! I shall do it most promptly :3
and in order, then ;)
OMFG YES I GOT THE AMERICA THING YOU WOULD THINK I AM ESCAPING JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME BUT I'M RUNNING STRAIGHT INTO THE ARMS OF TRUMP SO THE JOKE'S ON ME REALLY ISN'T IT SIGH. I VIEW AMERICAN WOMEN AS THE TYPE OF STRANGE, EASILY SPOOKED BEAST ONE MIGHT HAPPEN ACROSS DURING A SAFARI OVER A JUNGLE PLAIN, AND AS SUCH SHALL MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO BOW AND TUG MY FORELOCK RESPECTFULLY AS OPPOSED TO YOUR MOST CRUDE AND INDECENT SUGGESTION, WHICH IS NO WAY ON MY MIND, SHAME ON YOU. ALSO AMERICA IS CLOSER TO AUSTRALIA THAN ENGLAND, RIGHT? RIGHT? I SHALL BUY A TELESCOPE. AND A MEGAPHONE. AND THAT WILL SAVE ON ELECTRICITY.
There ARE random fires and chunkless buildings everywhere, how did you know? :O it's like the London riots all over again, except not in London because that was basically the only place that voted to stay. Also Scotland. ;) I remember where I was when Michael Jackson died (I mean when I HEARD MJ died, not the moment that he actually died, I wasn't standing outside with a lead pipe and villainous eyebrows). Anyway, I was having breakfast and my mum went, 'Michael Jackson's dead!' At which point I gasped, threw my hands to the heavens and sobbed, 'oh, the All-Father, why, why in HEAVEN'S NAME?' But we're the best of friends so I'll gladly tell you the truth (I'm youuunggg, remember ;) so I actually went, 'who?' and snaffled down some more of my Coco Pops. True story).
You're wrong about one thing, though. Our incessant rain has never met anything it can't put out, high spirits and church fetes very much included. So a couple of riots are child's play for the Great British Weather ;) the skies open and everyone sort of shuffles around a bit and then goes, 'oh, sod it, let's go home'. S'how we've kept the peace in this most ancient realm for thousands upon thousands of years. True story. ;)
Waiwait why the ever-lovin' f**k are a Conservative party named Liberals, though?? Doesn't the very word make them break out in hideous pulsing rashes? At least Abbott's fallen down the back of the sofa, hopefully never to return, but dear Lord I do hope you're not saddled with a conservative party for the next three years. We've had that and it's BULLSHIT. I can barely remember a time when the national currency wasn't tears and pity.
...although as of yesterday this gent has been SACKED, har har, so that's one good thing. #outoutosbourne2K16 #YOU'RENOTLAUGHINGNOW
I'm fairly sure the Queen has never even entertained the prospect of squeezing sauce into a bowl xD but y'see, I was right all along! Your so-called dipping sauce isn't even for dipping, it's for spooning great globfuls into one's craw like a man stranded at sea for six weeks. There. I feel much too satisfied about this. ;)
also chip vans = burger vans, you have vans in The Place Where The Water Flows The Wrong Way that sells chips and no burgers??? th' fuq man you have it worse than us, we'll take a day off from rioting with dismay over #brexit to send you a relief package ;) x
also tell me more about San Churro! What did you DO? What did you SAY? Did you ever give IN? All this and more in the next exciting installment of Andrew and Barrels: The VMs. Part II: Resurgence. :D
and haha, fire away with a friend rq if you want ;) fair warning, however, that I literally do not use Facebook and the last year's worth of my timeline is comprised of other people's stuff that I've been tagged in. also I'm frightened but strangely, strangely excited by the prospect of 80% more of the Andy Experience. Bring it on. ;) x
but if this unending flow of VMs should cease (HUSH YOU IT'S ONLY COS I'VE BEEN PACKING) then I'm totally dropping that clean blue motha like a hot potato ;)
I'M NOT IGNORING YOU HONESTLY ;) I'm just in the process of packing my life into boxes at the moment and we've finally started writing proper, meaty messages to each other again, the kind of message your most ancient Neanderthal ancestor would grunt proudly at before sighting down his bow at a mammoth, and I want to do the reply justice, so, so...
so I've left it a week already and this can't continue, send me more Malcolm Turnbull pictures if I don't reply by tomorrow ;) no, I insist, honestly. I'll deserve it. x
Tan? You'll go ORANGE, my friend, orange like a satsuma (or, um, an orange) and who wants to do that? Well, apart from the inhabitants of Essex and the shaved primate currently running as the most likely candidate for Prime Minister of This Great Nation. Did you hear we've upped and left Europe? We properly threw our toys out of the pram on that one. There was this whole voting malarkey, you see, where the two options were 'Remain' or 'Flounce' and by God, Andy, we Flounced. You've never seen anything like it. Fully 52% of the electorate gathered their skirts haughtily around their ankles, informed the room icily that we weren't going to stand for this sort of thing any longer, and walked out. Whereupon David Cameron (a non-alcoholic ripoff version of Tony Abbott disguised in a shiny toe-like fleshsuit) resigned his post and all hell broke loose. Except it didn't, really, because it'll take two years to leave Europe. Two years! That's fully enough time for two X Factor winners to conduct a similarly farcical voting campaign and sink without a trace beneath the waves of BBC Radio 1. They'll all have forgotten about it in three weeks, mark my words.
Good grief what a paragraph. It's been too long since I've replied, y'see, it's all tumbling out. So I'm no longer European! It's all right, my French is and always has been bloody horrible. When we went to Disneyland I did my best French accent and went 'merci' in all the shops, trying to show respect for the culture, and TO A MAN every Pierre and Marie-Belle among them went, 'yeah, cheers,' in earthy British tones as they slapped down my receipt. They just had to let me know that I was a stranger in a strange land, and my accent was GOOD, dammit. Or at least, not as murderously awful as my Australian. ;)
Our Comic-Con bloody should be about Doctor Who! There should be a big fat Welsh presence, but no, BBC Wales go gallivanting off to San Diego to do the proper one, despite the fact that I've yet to meet an American fan. They're like dragons and public buses, mythical beasts that no one's ever caught a glimpse of. In London, Peter Davison, who I am reliably informed was a Doctor long before I was born, was signing sh*t at a desk, and there may have been a single Dalek somewhere on the show floor, but no-one from the last century, more's the pity. I've have paid extra for Billie Piper. Oh get your mind out of the gutter.
I'm simultaneously frightened and impressed that the term 'dipping sauce' is apparently a thing in Australialaiala, by the way. ;) Is it so far removed from ketchup or mayonnaise or Another Civilised Concoction that y'all just refer to it as 'sauce... you know, for dipping' and give up? It's like that hideous orange potion you sometimes see labelled only as 'burger sauce' outside the chip van. 'Burger sauce'. I ask you. It's clearly composed of ingredients so foul that they ran shrieking off the label in shame.
*nudge nudge* tell me of your crusade, brave Christian soldier! Did you lay waste to the fiendish fields of salted caramel? Or did you accidentally knock up a doe-eyed peasant wench and have to detour through Rome to pick up an indulgence or three on the way home? I must know. ;) actually, what am I saying, you'd have more chance of that indulgence actually working than knocking up any wench at all. :P But I like the word 'wench' and it was too splendid an opportunity to pass up. Wench. Try it! That single syllable rolls around the mouth like a fine peanut butter.
AND SHOW ME MR BONES. Oh get your mind out of the gutter. xxx