Their Villainy Must Go On (PG-13)

Skip Shot · Nov 8, 2008

Introduction: I have been a big fan of Pokemon ever since the release of Pokemon Colosseum for the Game Cube. Ever since then, I've followed Pokemon. I played Pokemond XD: Gale of Darkness, and abosultely loved the game. One thing I've always wondered and created random stories about: What happened after the events of Pokemon XD? In this fic, I explain that, and combine three different and popular characters into one unique blast of a story.

This story is PG-13 for some romantic action, sequences of large amounts of offensive language, and overawesomeness. I hope you enjoy!

Oh yeah: A "little" Advanceshipping is shown in this fanfic.

THEIR VILLAINY MUST GO ON

Chapter 1: The Three Apart

About a day's walk away from the tall towers in Veilstone City, a large, open clearing marked the last resting spot in the large, lush forest. Trees completely surrounded the open area as if it was a stadium. The ground was covered with grass that smelled like the various numbers of berries that dropped occasionally from the surrounding trees: Leppa, Pecha, Occa, and Wacan to name a few.

A Yanma flitted around the trees that guarded the clearing, searching for delicious Leppa Berries to pluck off of the trees and eat. Suddenly, the heavy pat of footsteps resounded from the trail leading through the forest. The Yanma, suspecting a trainer in search of powerful Yanma to capture, skitted off and blended in with the forest. However, the first being to enter the clearing when the Yanma left was not a human.

A small, yellow mouse with red round cheek pouches bounded into the clearing, sniffing the fresh air, happy to be out of the musky forest. It turned around, and yelled loudly, "PIKA! PIKACHU!" (What is taking you guys so long to get through this trail! A Slakoth could have gotten through the forest before you lovebirds could move one step!)

Two humans walked in side by side, holding hands. One was a young teenage girl with an orange bandana covering most of her head. Next to her, a teenage boy a hat with black hair frizzing out from underneath in all directions said, "You take too quickly to get through, Pikachu! You should stop and enjoy nature every now and then."

"I agree with Ash," the girl replied. "Its nice to stop and look at nature for a while." She huddled closer to Ash, resting her head on the shoulder of his white vest.

"Pika pikachu..."(Exactly which nature are you talking about, May?)

"Never mind, Pikachu!" May threw up her free hand in exagerrated desperation. She then embraced Ash, the two of them holding each other in affection.

Pikachu was about to make a sarcastic comment when he heard heavy footsteps echo from the other side of the clearing. His ears perked up, and gave a small shout of alert: "Pika!"(Random stranger at 1 0'clock!). This got Ash and May's attention. They both look across the clearing to see a man walk in. He had blond spiky hair, a red shirt that seemed to enhance his true buffness, and black shorts. With a gruff look on his face, he marched up to the young couple. "You, boy!" he grunted in a low monotone. "You a Trainer at all?"

"Yeah," came the timid reply of Ash, who looked at this guy as if he was being cornered by Batman.

"My name's Zeek. I'm a Pokemon Trainer from Gateon Port in Orre. I'd like to challenge you to a battle!"

Ash looked confused. "The Orre region?"

"I know that place," May said to Ash. "When I was five, my friend Michael and his family moved there to do some sort of research. I haven't heard from him since."

Zeek cut off the conversation with a guttural "Are you gonna battle me or not?"

"Battle? Of course!" Ash said. "3-on-3 martial arts style okay?"

"Martial arts style?"

Ash sighed. No one battles by this anymore... "No substitutions."

"Ohhhh. That style is for pansies, but I can play by them. I'll let you go first."

"Your funeral. Pikachu, let's get'em!"

PIKA!(You can't lose to me, Rocky!) Pikachu rushed to Ash, priming itself for battle.

"Alright then, Weavile, battle stations!" Zeek threw a blue and purple Poke Ball into the air. A white light poured out of it, taking form. When the light cleared, a tall imp-like Pokemon stood in battle stance. It had long, gleaming claws, a slim, black body, and a red and black crown protruding from its forehead. "WEAVILE!"(You have no chance to survive make your time!), it screamed.

"Let's begin, then!" Ash yelled, turning his black and blue hat around on his head. "Pikachu, Fake Out!"

"PIKA!"(Enguarde!) Pikachu screamed, who then rushed violently towards Weavile. It stopped, however, just short of Weavile. Weavile, expecting contact, flinched. Pikachu then struck with its tail, sending Weavile back a few inches.

"Now, Pikachu, Iron Tail!"

Pikachu rushed towards the opponent, its jagged tail glowing a bright white.

"Weavile, counter with Night Slash!"

Weavile's claw began to crackle with dark energy. As it sliced the claw down towards Pikachu, Pikachu swung its tail at Weavile. The two attacks collided, but Pikachu's tail was too strong for Weavile, who flipped into the air before falling on to the ground, unconscious.

"Good work, Pikachu!" Ash said.

"PIKA!"(No one messes with me!) Pikachu declared smugly as it ran back to Ash.

"You got lucky, Kid! That one was a fluke! You're not getting away with this!" Zeek yelled angrily as he returns Weavile to its Great Ball. "My next Pokemon is going to destroy you! Go, Infernape!" Zeek yelled, throwing out a standard-issue PokeBall. A large, red ape with a flame on its head materialized into the air. "GRAAAHG!"(Prepare for total annihilation!)

"Gliscor, your turn!" Ash called out, throwing out a PokeBall that summoned a large, black scorpion with wings. "GLIIII!"(This one's for you, sweetie!)

"When will Gliscor get over her affection for Ash?" May murmured to herself, shaking her head and scraping her green shoes along the ground.

"Gliscor, start with Earthquake!"

Gliscor summoned a ball of pulsating white energy in front of its body. It then whacked the ball with its tail, hurtling the ball into the ground with an explosion that caused the entire clearing to shake violently. Pikachu was thrown into the air by the results of the vibration, and several wild Pineco fell out of the surrounding trees, causing their pinecone-shaped bodies to explode as a form of self-defense.

"Infernape, jump to dodge!"

Infernape jumped up into the air before the vibartions of the Earthquake could reach him.

"Gliscor, charge in with Aerial Ace!"

Gliscor zoomed towards Infernape at a supersonic speed.

"Infernape, Hidden Power!"

Infernape shot a bunch of crystalline spheres of light at Gliscor That Hidden Power is Ice Type! Ash realized as it connected with Gliscor, knocking it out.

"Good work, Gliscor! Return!" Ash said as he returned it to its PokeBall.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"(Hah! I am invincible!) Infernape declared before it was returned as well.

"You're pretty good, kid," Zeek remarked.

"You aren't so bad yourself."

"It's time to go to my last resort, one no one can beat!" Zeek replied coldly. "Go and get'em, Poliwhirl!" A large blue aquatic creature with white, glovelike hands materalized- the standard Poliwhirl at a first glance. However, it was noticeable that Poliwhirl's eyes looked more like the fierce glare that came from the eyes of a Poliwrath. Stomping its blue foot on the ground, it roared loud enough to make May's brown hair whip around loosely, forcing her to brush it back. "Pollllliwhirl!"(I am going to destroy you!)

Ash seemed a little intimated by the aggresiveness of the Poliwhirl. Shrugging it off, he took out a Pokeball. "OK then. Grotle, time for battle!"

"Grotle!"(Let's get this parrrty started!) The dinosaur-like Pokemon proclaimed as it comes out of its PokeBall. It shook around a little bit, shaking some dust off of its bushes that grew on its shell, then stared at Poliwhirl.

"Grotle, Energy Ball!"

"Poliwhirl, Psychic on the Energy Ball!"

As Grotle shot a blue ball of crackling energy, Poliwhirl glowed blue and outstretched its hand. The ball stopped in mid air. Poliwhirl then flicked its hand, and the ball flew towards Grotle. Grotle barely got out of the way of the attack.

"Now Grotle, Crunch!"

Grotle bounded in towards its opponent.

"Dodge to the left, Poliwhirl!"

Poliwhirl easily sidestepped Grotle.

"Blindside it with Shadow End!"

Shadow End? Ash wondered. What kind of attack is that?

Poliwhirl's body began to glow purple. In a scream of built-up rage, it charged into Grotle, sending it flying into a tree for the knockout.

"Grotle, good fight," Ash said in a glum tone as he returns Grotle. He turned to Zeek, who returned his Poliwhirl. "What kind of move was that?"

"Kid, what you don't know isn't gonna hurt you. I'm outta here." And with that remark, Zeek walked off into the forest, leaving a confused Ash, May, and Pikachu to stand there.

***************

A Tailow near Mount Coronet flew around, searching for tasty Wurmple to dine on for dinner. As he approached a clearing, a strange sound comes to his small ears- strange music that sounds like a bunch of people laughing. He flew in, and roosted on a branch to watch the proceeds.

Three men were gathered around a fire in the clearing, eating Spam and rice and listening to salsa music. Two of the men were merely sitting and eating. The third- a tall, slim man with a giant red and white afro- nodded his head to the music, the afro bobbing back and forth like a balloon that has been whacked.

"Have you ever thought that the boss has the slightest possibilty of being mentally handicapped?" one man murmured to the other, as to not be caught talking about the boss.

"He has stated that he is, you retard!" The other replied. "He hit his head when he was a kid, and now, he has to dance whenever he hears music, and has a constant addiction to music!"

"I'm starting to get pissed off at this salsa music being played all the time- I could go for some Red Hot Chili Peppers right now."

As if on cue, the boss walked over and placed two red jalapenos on the guy's plate. "That should suffice," the boss said eerily. Chuckling to himself, he danced back over to his spot on the campfire. He then took of his purple vest jacket before lying down for some sleep.

*************

Michael woke up, his face completely drenched. He look up to see his Vaporeon sitting on his bed, staring at him with an innocent smile. "Vaypo!"(Wake and smell the bacon! You got a big day ahead!)

Groaning, Michael picked up Vaporeon and set the mermaid-like cat on the floor. After he was dressed, he opened up a locked drawer that he kept in his room. Out of it he took 3 Black Pokeballs with yellow H's on the middle, as well as a Master Ball- a Magenta-purplish ball that could catch any pokemon in the world. He then took a black backpack that he had filled with supplies and walked out of his room with his Vaporeon close behind.

As Michael walked through the lab that he called home, he stopped by Professor Krane's office. He peered in. "Professor?" he called out.

Professor Krane came out of the office. He was sort of tall, with brown hair and glasses. "Yes, Michael?" he asked.

"I'm going to be releasing them today." Michael held up the Pokeballs in his hand.

"You are? Why?"

"These Pokemon shouldn't even have been caught by Greevil. I'm releasing them so they can perform their duties."

"Very well, go on."

As Michael walked away, the professor walked back into his room. He suddenly reappeared at the entrance to his office. "Michael!" he called out.

Michael turned around. "Yes?"

"I talked to Sherles about an hour ago." Sherles was the police chief in Pyrite Town, a small desert thug town halfway across the region. "We both agreed that as a reward for you stopping Cihper, you can keep that Master Ball when you go on your journey."

"Thanks a lot, Professor."

"Don't mention it." The professor walked back into his room to research the threats of more potential Shadow Pokemon- creatures who had their hearts closed by mechanical means.

***************************************************************

Michael walked outside with his Vaporeon close behind him. He pressed the release button on the four PokeBalls he carried with him, then threw them into the air. Out of each ball came a different pokemon. One was a large, icy blue bird that seemed to give off a misty frost. Another was a large, yellow bird with a long beak. A third was a chicken-like bird with flames adorning its body. The final Pokemon was a large, white, bird with a long tail. These were the three legendary birds and their guardian- Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, and Lugia.

Michael looked at each one of them. "Listen," he said. "I feel it unfair to keep you all captive. Each one of you has a specific role to play in this world. I would be taking it away. I feel sorry that Greevil was able to catch each one of you and turn you into Shadows. That doesn't matter any more now. I want you all to go and be free once more."

Each of the birds let out powerful, shrill cries of approval before flying off into the distance. Michael put each of the balls of the released Pokemon into his pocket. He then turned to Vaporeon. "How about we travel to Kanto now?"

"Vay!"(I agree with that. I need a break from this crappy-smelling lab anyways.)

Michael chuckled a little at this comment. He then checked his belt to make sure he had the other five pokemon that he had chosen from his eighty he had snagged while stopping Cipher from taking over Orre with Shadow Pokemon. He had marked each Poke Ball with a scratch-and-sniff sticker to let him know which was which.

The first pokeball he pulled from his belt had a fire sticker shaped on it, marking that it was his Houndoom, a large black dog with horns growing out of its ears. He then took out one with a blue wing sticker attached, marking that it contained the blue dragon Salamence. The third Poke Ball he oulled off of his belt had the mark of a moon on it- his trusty brown bear Ursaring. A poison-covered fang on the fourth indicated his Golbat. Finally, he pulled off a PokeBall with a metronome sticker on it- the strange psychotic Hypno. Satisifed that the five he had chose were with him, Michael walked down the stairs at the front of the lab. He was about to walk away from the lab when...

"MICHAEL! WAIT UP!"

Michael turned around to see his little sister Jovi come riding on his hoverscooter. "Don't forget this!" she cried, her long blue hair flapping in the wind. She hopped off of the scooter and gave Michael a big hug. Michael hugged hard back, knowing this would be the last time in a long time he would see his little sister again.

"I'm gonna miss you, big brother," Jovi said, her eyes filling up with tears.

"Me too," Michael replied. "Me too."

He released from the hug, took one last look at the lab, then rode off towards Gateon Port and the ferry that would take him to the Sinnoh region.

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Well, that's it for the first chapter. A few references I want to point out:

- When Pikachu screams (You can't lose to me, Rocky!) it is obviously a reference to Rocky Balboa and the movies.
- Weavile makes a comment from a game called Zero Wing, being known for using bad grammar. (You have no chance to survive make your time!)
- The boss' constant addiciton to music and the source behind it comes form bobandbill's fanfic "The Retelling of Pokemon Colosseum."

Thanks for reading!

bobandbill · Nov 15, 2008

As promised, a review. :)
But first I feel like commenting on this:

This story is PG-13 for some romantic action, sequences of large amounts of offensive language, and overawesomeness.

First point - ok, although admittedly I do not follow shippings, particularly those regarding Ashy-boy. But if you carry it well, I can't complain much... not quite my tastes, but we shall see. Nothing wrong with the last reason too for the rating. :P But for the 'large amounts of offensive language'... I'd advise against it. Not many people actually enjoy reading swear words or the such, and it can detract from the story, and work against it. You haven't had any yet, so there's nothing here that needs changing, but I would recommend dropping it unless it is necessary. Most of the time I have found it to be unnecessary though, and if so it only really 'works' in dialogue. Just my opinion here...

Ok, the story itself. It's not half bad, to be honest - interesting beginnings. Not the greatest fan of Ash TBH (barely watch the anime for one), but I'll see where this goes involving him. Him encountering a Shadow Pokemon is interesting - Shadow Pokemon in Kanto is a concept indeed. Interesting on Michael too, especially the whole 'I shall release the legendary birds' thing - agree with it, as it does make sense.

Also interesting (and kinda odd) to see a fic somewhat in my style as well... (e.g. Pokemon talking via saying their name followed by a translation in italics)... inspired? :P

Now for critique, whee. Overall although you have a base, and a steady one at that, there are numerous things you can do to improve it. But that's ok - one has to start from somewhere.

About a day's walk away from the tall towers in Veilstone City, a large clearing marks the last resting spot in the large, lush forest. Trees completely surround the clearing as if it was a stadium. The ground on the clearing is covered with grass that smells like the various numbers of berries that drop occasionally from the surrounding trees: Leppa, Pecha, Occa, and Wacan to name a few.

Pikachu was about to make a sarcastic comment when he heard heavy footsteps echo from the other side of the clearing. His ears perked up, and he gives a small shout of alert:

First thing - minor, but three 'clearing's' in two paragraphs or four sentences... it's repetitive and not quite the best thing to have. I'd suggest changing one of them - use another word/s.

Secondly, you tend to have some tense confusion. For the most part of the story you use past-tense words, but particularly in the beginning, you had both past and present tense going. An example here being 'perked up', and 'he gives a'... different times of the narration suggested here. It's essential that you remain consistent, and use one rather then multiple.

One was a young teenage girl with an orange bandana covering most of her head. Long, thick, brown hair seeped out of the back, and waved across the front of her forehead. She was wearing a red tube dress with shorts that attached themselves to her legs. Next to her, a teenage boy with saggy blue jeans, a vest over a white shirt, and a hat with black hair frizzing out from underneath in all directions said, "You take too quickly to get through, Pikachu!

Firstly, suggest replacing that 'and' with 'which' - makes more sense that way.

Ok, here you have some description, which is good to see - at least you've given a nice idea of what they look like. However, it can be improved on. What you have is somewhat listy - i.e. you name one detail right after the other, then stop doing so any other time. Rather then trying to clump it in one go, spread it out a bit - use some description, then have some dialogue/an event... then again mention a small detail next the character is mentioned. There's nothing wrong with giving a short 'intro', but try to avoid solely relying on that.

Also; try to incorporate some actions into the description. That way, you can have an event in the story, while describing the person in some way, which keeps the pace moving and describes the character far more easily. It also allows for you to develop the character by describing their personality, through something called 'showing' rather then' telling'.

Rather then saying 'she did this', or 'she was like this, this and this', show us this. Describe how she brushes her hair from her face, for instance, or how she does things. If she's confident, she'll say things... well, confidently, or act comfortable walking through the forest. If they're of a nervous disposition; they make jump slightly at the sudden arrival of a new character, for instance. Consider such things, and from that work on developing the character some more, while having a greater and less-obvious usage of description.

Your description is decent - better then most new writers in general who tend to have none at all. But it is a little bit simple in parts, and there's no harm in trying to improve it. Just some pointers.

I haven't heard form him since

From over form.

"Battle? Of course!" Ash sayid. "3-on-3 martial arts style okay?" Martial arts style is a form of battling where there are no substitutions.

Said over said, and the bolded sentence... well, I feel it could be reworded, so it doesn't sound like you the narrator said it, as if you just added it in as an afterthought.

There is a need to explain it, yes (but I question calling it 'martial arts style...' seeing it has little to do with it, but... eh), but try incorporating it into the story more, so it sounds less like you are telling it to us. Maybe have a character remark on it? That way we still get told, but it's explained within the story.

PIKA!(You can't lose to me, Rocky!) Pikachu rushed to Ash, priming itself for battle.

I have nothing against Rocky references, but it seemed a bit... out of place. He didn't seem to resemble him much at all (for example no mumbling 'I've gotta do what I've gotta do' or anything like that), so it felt a bit from left field. Try to have a few of them in such cases - sometimes one has to so it doesn't seem so random.

"PIKA!"(Enguarde!) Pikachu screamed, who then rushed harshly towards Weavile. It stopped, however, just short of Weavile. Weavile, expecting contact, flinched. Pikachu then struck with its tail, sending Weavile back a few inches.

...yay for Fake Fake-outs? XD
Suggest adding in that 'who' as the first sentence then seems rushed, either that or '...screamed, before he rushed...'. Also 'harshly' does feel a bit odd for me to describe running/rushing... just my opinion though.

"Gliscor, you're turn!" Ash called out, throwing out a PokeBall that summons a large, black scorpion with wings. "GLIIII!"(This one's for you, sweetie!)

Your over you're, and another example of tense confusion - and not the only one. 'called out' is the past tense, while 'that summoned' is present. Keep it consistent - as the chapter is mostly past tense, suggest changing the latter part. Do it for the rest as well.

"Gliscor, start with Earthquake!"
Gliscor summoned a ball of energy and throws it down on the ground, causing the entire clearing to shake.

"Infernape, jump to dodge!"

Infernape jumped up into the air before the vibartions of the Earthquake can reach him.

"Gliscor, charge in with Aerial Ace!"

Gliscor zoomed towards Infernape at a Super Sonic speed.

Moar tense errors - 'throws it down' and 'can reach' being the offenders here, compared tot he otherwise-past-tense section. And 'Super Sonic' doesn't need capitalisation. Unless it's a VERY vague Sonic the Hedgehog reference, which would be very out of place as is. I'd advise uncapitalising it.

But here is another instance where the description can be improved upon, as well as the sentence structure. You have one line of dialogue, followed by a separate line on what happened. It's repetitive, and gets a listy and boring feel from it. Try to mix it up some more, with some longer parts. You can expand on the attacks as well - here you are telling us what happened, but not showing us.

e.g. - 'Gliscor summoned a ball of energy and (threw) it down on the ground, causing the entire clearing to shake.' You tell us how it happened (ball of energy thrown), but you didn't show us. For instance, no mention on the ball of energy itself. What did it look like? Colour, size? Maybe it pulsated, suggesting it was strong? Was it simply dropped onto the ground via gravity, or did he ram it into the ground? How did he throw it - did he use an arm/wing, or maybe he hit it with a part of his body? There are some other things to consider.

Another one - you can add a bit more to 'causing the clearing to shake'. Shake how hard? And from this, you can expand and give us a better indication of how hard it was. For instance - include environmental effects! Maybe trees swayed, as leaves and... I don't know, pine cones fell off. Maybe small pebbles on the ground shook as well. Maybe, even, the trainers suffer some affects from the attack. By doing so, you then show how strong the move is and that it shook things up through engaging description - and yet you never actually mention that it is strong or that it shook things. Makes it more interesting as well - readers will then be thinking 'wow...pine cones fell off! that's an strong attack' (:P), rather then ''it's strong', oh ok then'. Leaves more of an effect on their mind.

This makes the writing more engaging, as it helps immense ourselves into the story, making it more realistic for us the reader.

Also, the Pokemon could stand to have more description too. Infernape you did a tad, but we don't know how big, or what colour, etc it was. Pretend we don't know much about Pokemon, so have some description. Better yet - do that while describing the personality or something like that about the Pokemon. E.g. it has flames on it's head - maybe it blazes brightly or furiously, reflecting how Infernape is angry/psyched up (reflected again in his dialogue). Suddenly we have some more on the Infernape (or rather it's flame), and what it's feeling.

Again - at least you have some, which is WAY better then none. One has to build of something, and lord knows I need to do a better job of description myself. ^^ Just some pointers - generally, consider how things happen, what they are like, then show them to us with words. It will go a long way in improving your writing. :)

(Oh, and did Ash not return Pikachu, hence breaking the 'no subs' rule? Or am I missing something? If so, could be clearer that one can/has to change Pokemon for each battle...)

"Good work, Gliscor! Return!" Ash said as he returns it to its PokeBall.

Said = past tense, 'as he returns it' = present. Conflicting tenses again...

"You're pretty good, kid." Zeek remarked.

Full stop should be a comma.

However, this one looked particualrly angry, and spoke sinisterly. "Poolliwhirrrrrrrrllllll!"(Your chance of victory is so thin, a Magikarp could break it!)

You kinda hinted that it was a Shadow Pokemon a tad too much... but then it is kinda obvious there would be Shadow Pokemon in this fic, and I was looking carefully. :P

But here is another chance for more description - maybe it looks angry in the way it acts - maybe it waves its fists, maybe it stomps the ground, maybe it glares... consider such ways to show this fact.

Three men were gathered around a fire in the clearing, eating Spam and rice and listening to salsa music.

Spam and rice... how random. and amusing. :) And salsa music can only mean ONE thing. :D

"Have you ever thought that the boss has the slightest possibility of being mentally handicapped?" One man murmured to the other, as to not be caught talking about the boss.

"He has stated that he is, you retard!" The other replied. "He hit his head when he was a kid, and now, he has to dance whenever he hears music, and has a constant addiction to music!"

What ho, using my explanations from my fic? :P

I AM fine with it (especially as you mentioned and credited it as well), BUT... well, I'll just say it does seem a bit odd to see such work. And, why not develop a Miror B character of your own? Use your own ideas, and have fun coming up with them (leastways I find it quite fun to do so). Otherwise it can give an impression that you are being lazy, even if it is but a mere reference. But yay for references all the same.

The way it is delivered is also a bit iffy for mine.. as (OMG character spoilers for those none-Colo/XD players):

Spoiler:

On the bolded parts - they should not be capitalised (sentence following dialogue flows on, so treat two parts as one sentence, hence the lack of a capital), and points for 'Red Hot Chilli Peppers'. :)

Michael chuckled a little at this comment. He then checked his belt to make sure he had the other 5 pokemon that he had chosen from his 80 he had snagged while stopping Cipher from taking over Orre with Shadow Pokemon.

Generally - write out numbers less then 100 - e.g. five and eighty. Minor but something that tends to be done. I'll also add that Michael was barely described at all - he could stand some more as well, certainly.

AND... that's all. Just a few pointers here and there. Generally, you can stand to improve description-wise, and expand on things, but it's not too bad. :) An ok intro, if some plot already developing, and you seem to have sentence structures down-pat (as well as a lack of repeating the first words of sentences as well). Work on tenses and clean up those mistakes (spends some more time proof-reading won't hurt), and maybe broaden your horizons by trying some other good fanfics as well, and in addition take a gander at the advice threads. They tend to help for beginning authors, and I'm speaking from experience here - they're there to help you improve.

You have a ways to go, but you did decently for a beginning. And, as they say, practise makes perfect. So, keep it up!

(Oh, and for some reason the post you made got shifted to the side... so had to keep scrolling to see some parts of sentences to the side. Odd...)

Skip Shot · Nov 15, 2008

Thanks for the review. Most of those mistakes were of pure stupidity on my part. After I first wrote the chapter, I had realized I had written it all in present tense, and it sounded weird to me, so I changed most of the stuff into past tense. I obviously missed some of it.

Again, Thanks!

Their Villainy Must Go On (PG-13)

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Skip Shot

I'm back. I think.

bobandbill

7.8/10 too much water

Skip Shot

I'm back. I think.