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Melody and I

Elekish♥

71
Posts
15
Years
Melody and I were sitting on the rocks. I like it when we do that. Just her and me and the warm sun. I remember when it wasn't like that. It was just me and the clouds. And the rain. And the sadness. Though their was many elements, I felt alone. Lonely. Sad. And then it was like magic. I felt an urge to, I don't know. It happened really quick. I heard a rustle in the bushes and I felt an urge to peek. There, a lone Pichu sat, weeping and crying. I didn't know what to do, I was hungry but I had never killed a pokemon before, I didn't want to start now, even though I was a hunter. I picked the poor bundle up. It was weeping. I saw a large cut down it's arm that was bleeding pretty bad. The pichu's pulse was very fast but feint. I didn't know what to do. I talked to it but I knew it wasn't listening. It's body shivered in the rain as did I. I cuddled it to me, hoping my body warmth was enough for the both of us. I forgot why I was there, what I was. I just thought of keeping the small thing alive.
My heart was pounding fast but I didn't give it any notice. There were tears streaming down the Pichu's face. It was silent apart from the occasional whine and squeak. I pulled out the last of my food. It was salted meat. I offered it to Pichu but it showed no reaction. It hadn't made noise for a while and the tears had stopped. Then I figured out what had happened. I felt cold, colder than I was before. I started to dig a burial hole but the wet, icy dirt wouldn't part.
------------------------------

I may or may not continue, depending on the C+CC I get.
 
Astinus

Astinus

10,175
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen today
This is confusing.

There was a lot going on in this story that could have been expanded on. You jump around an awful lot, going from one thing to another, that when I tried to follow what was going on, I got lost.

You have a good idea for a story here. I would like to see what's going on with this character. You just need a little help in getting there, so you don't lose readers.

There's a Beta Place you can go to, where you can ask for someone to look over your story before you post it. They'll help you with writing a bit, to clean up your story from the few grammar mistakes you had and the pacing problems that confused me.

Just take your time writing this.
 
Ninja Caterpie

Ninja Caterpie

AAAAAAAAAAAAA
5,979
Posts
16
Years
It is kind of confusing.

Where did the Pichu come from? Who's Melody..? What's with the jumping around?

The story idea is rather interesting though, as Astinus said, and with a bit more time, this could work out well.
 
Spinor

Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font
5,176
Posts
18
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Feb 13, 2019
Let me elaborate their explainations.

Background information is a very vital thing to a story. It can usually be put withing a "Prologue", a "Pre-Chapter" to the story. If readers don't get that vital background information, they won't know what happens in the story. Imagine "Jack and the Beanstalk", but without Jack getting the beans. How the heck did Jack get to the giant?! See what I mean?

Even though to the untrained, description and mood have potential, but if no "base" or reason, and plot to the story is obtained, the whole thing is worthless, thus, not even the best vocabulary of tone words can keep a reader to your story.

I recommend you try to find "Where" the characters came from, "How", "Why" did they come. "When"? "Who" Exactly are the characters? "What" is the purpose?

Without any of those six, the whole story is just a paragraph of a lost book that, who knows, could be the best book an Italian ever read.
 
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