Abbey's Great Pokemon Adventure!

Chapter One: The New Beginning

Abbey, a 10 year old girl woke up from the sunshine that was glaring out of her window. She opened her eyes and saw that her mom left a note on her desk. She got up and read it. The note said: "Good morning Abbey, if you wake up at a reasonable time, me and your dad started our new job at the Sunnyshore City gym in the Sinnoh region and I will be seeing you there when you turn 14. Professor Oak is looking for you so you should get dressed and start your Pokemon adventure."

Abbey walked towards her closet to pick some clothes out so she can wear on her first day of her Pokemon adventure. She picked out a pink mini skirt and a white shirt. She walked over to the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Abbey took off her clothes and stepped inside the bathtub to start the shower water. When the water was hot enough, she started to wash her body and to wash her hair. She heard her phone ring so she stepped outside to see who it was, but it was too late.

"Jesus, I was talking a nice shower thank you very much," said Abbey to herself.

Abbey was disappointed so she just grabbed a towel and rubbed all of the steaming water off her body. She put on her clothes on and brushed her hair and teeth. When she was done, she walked back to bedroom to grab her pink purse. When she walked into her living room, she called her best friend to say that she was about to start her Pokemon adventure finally. Her best friend was so happy for her so when they were done talking, Abbey shut her phone and walked outside the front door.

"Now, I wonder where Professor Oaks' lab is located," said Abbey to herself.

Abbey walked around Pallet Town and then when she saw a white building that had a pokeball on the top of the building, she wondered if the building was Professor Oaks' lab. She opened the front door and saw many bookshelves and a white table with three pokeballs on top of it. She started to walk to the three pokeballs and when she picked one up off the table, she heard a voice behind her so she turned around and it was Professor Oak.

"Why hello there Abbey," said Professor Oak.
"Hello there professor, how's your beautiful morning so far?" asked Abbey.
"It's going okay Abbey, I've been busy giving trainers their first Pokemon and I guess that you're the last one in Pallet Town that didn't get one," said Professor Oak.
"The only one! I need to get my Pokemon now so I can start," said Abbey.
"Yeah you do Abbey, so which of these three Pokemon would you take?" asked Professor Oak.

Abbey looked at the three pokeballs and was suspicious of what kind of Pokemon they are so she opened the first pokeball and the kind of Pokemon that was inside was Bulbasaur. She looked at the big red eyes, the green skin with the dark green spots, and the green bulb on its back. She didn't like it and she didn't think it was cool so she opened the second pokeball. The second pokeball opened and the kind of Pokemon that was inside was Charmander.

When Abbey looked at the Charmander, she looked at its orange skin, its huge blue eyes, and it's tail with the flame on the tip. She said it looked cool, but yet scary because of the flame on its tail so she set it down and began to open the third and final pokeball on the table. When Abbey opened it, it was a Squirtle. She opened her eyes wide open and she said that it was the cutest Pokemon she ever seen that day. She saw the blue skin with its yellow and brown shell, with its huge red eyes.

"I'll take this Pokemon Professor Oak," said Abbey.
"Okay then, let me see your trainer card and you can have it," said Professor Oak.

Abbey showed Professor Oak her trainer card and then he gave her Squirtles' pokeball to put in her purse. Professor Oak also gave her five empty pokeballs, a map, and a pokedex. She thanked Professor Oak for the time to get her first Pokemon and then when she waved goodbye to Professor Oak, she opened the front door once more and started walking to Route One.

to be continued...

*blink* what?
Your sentences are WAY too choppy. Try to make the sentences flow.
and your chapter should be at around five pages in microsoft word. I know that it's hard to get it there {it takes time} but will, i promise:D you just have to work at it.
now. . .lets start the 'rewrite' as in 'second draft'
and please, when you do your second draft, don't just copy exactly what i say, put it in your own words. that way it'll be truly yours and if you end up getting fanfiction of the month {YAY!} then you'll be extra happy, and it'll mean that you're a good writer, not me {i'm just exagerating on the whole fanfiction of the month thing, i've never had that done to one of my stories}
with no further ado, let's begin!

*ArceusKing* said:

Abbey, a 10 year old girl woke up from the sunshine that was glaring out of her window. She opened her eyes and saw that her mom left a note on her desk. She got up and read it. The not said: "Good morning Abbey, if you wake up at a reasonable time, me and your dad started our new job at the Sunnyshore City gym in the Sinnoh region and I will be seeing you there when you turn 14. Professor Oak is looking for you so you should get dressed and start your Pokemon adventure."

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HORRIBLE BEGINNING!
This is the last time I want to read a fanfiction where it starts out with the main character waking up and glaring at something, or smiling at something, or ANYTHING at something. Unless you're a REALLY good writer, you just can't do that.

you see that note that you had the mom write? would a mom really write that? let's look at this particualarly:

if you wake up at a reasonable time

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that sounds like she's pretty annoyed! maybe she'd say "When you get up . . ." or "If you have gotten up by this time. . ." or something along those lines. If you did it that way on purpous, than say something like Abbey knew that her mother was annoyed with her waking habits. If she didn't wake her up, then Abbey would be coming down for bacon and eggs at three in the afternoon! otherwise her mom sounds like she's an annoying b***

Abbey walked towards her closet to pick some clothes out so she can wear on her first day of her Pokemon adventure.

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Stop! Halt right there! This is no way to open a second paragraph. You need to open it with something that will draw your reader in. Your first chapter is the public's first impression on you. If one person reads your first chapter and thinks "wow, this is boring" then they're never going to read on. This suggestion goes with the first paragraph, too.
and also, the first chapter should be one of your best chapters. The beginning of a book or story is to draw the reader/listener in, not repel them. Even when you're not first starting you should spend about a week revising your work before you post it, and if you are writing a book, are you going to send in your first manuscript, or a revised one? You choose:disappoin I hope you make the right choice.

She picked out a pink mini skirt and a white shirt. She walked over to the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Abbey took off her clothes and stepped inside the bathtub to start the shower water. When the water was hot enough, she started to wash her body and to wash her hair. She heard her phone ring so she stepped outside to see who it was, but it was too late.

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a mini skirt? a MINI skirt? what's she going to do when she bends over?
anyways, moving on:
You really don't have to go through the whole taking a shower scene. The reader doesn't really have to read about how to take a shower *first you take your clothes off, then you turn on the water, then you get in. . .* it's really just an unnecessary piece of information that no one cares about. maybe you could put . . . Abbey decided to take a long cool shower to help her nerves for the big day. She got it, clothes and towel ready for when she got out, when the phone so annoyingly rang. Abbey stepped out, flooding the bathroom floor, and picked up her nearby phone.

[quote"Jesus, I was talking a nice shower thank you very much," said Abbey to herself.[/quote]
not many people talk to themselves. only the stupid people who mutter under their breaths get into the worst trouble.
"Shut up Mom," Bob muttered to himself. Mrs. McCurdy's head snapped up from the Sports section in the Newspaper, and planted a heavy glare on her son.
"Go to your room."
"But - "
"Go. To. Your. Room."
My point exactly.

Abbey was disappointed so she just grabbed a towel and rubbed all of the steaming water off her body. She put on her clothes on and brushed her hair and teeth. When she was done, she walked back to bedroom to grab her pink purse. When she walked into her living room, she called her best friend to say that she was about to start her Pokemon adventure finally. Her best friend was so happy for her so when they were done talking, Abbey shut her phone and walked outside the front door.

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wait . . . what happened to answering her phone? And she's spent like two minutes in the shower! Doesn't she want to smell nicer than that on her first day as a pokemon trainer?

"Now, I wonder where Professor Oaks' lab is located," said Abbey to herself.

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she doesn't know? doesn't she have a card or something? if she doesn't, then i'm sure her parents would have told her.

"Why hello there Abbey," said Professor Oak.
"Hello there professor, how's your beautiful morning so far?" asked Abbey.
"It's going okay Abbey, I've been busy giving trainers their first Pokemon and I guess that you're the last one in Pallet Town that didn't get one," said Professor Oak.
"The only one! I need to get my Pokemon now so I can start," said Abbey.
"Yeah you do Abbey, so which of these three Pokemon would you take?" asked Professor Oak.

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Professor Oak is someone who I would see saying Yes not Yeah
He's not a teenager, you know.

Look at this particularly:

"Hello there professor, how's your beautiful morning so far?"

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bolded words are weird. Would a ten year old really say that? cut out that word, and the sentence is perfectly normal and doesn't seem weird to read.

Abbey looked at the three pokeballs and was suspicious of what kind of Pokemon they are so she opened the first pokeball and the kind of Pokemon that was inside was Bulbasaur. She looked at the big red eyes, the green skin with the dark green spots, and the green bulb on its back. She didn't like it and she didn't think it was cool so she opened the second pokeball. The second pokeball opened and the kind of Pokemon that was inside was Charmander.

Click to expand...

The way you described it was choppy. Maybe . . . She looked at those big red eyes, staring at her eagerly, as if it wanted to eat her. The green skin, darker spots, triggered a sickening feeling. She wondered what was inside that big bulb on its back. Abbey shivered.
Do something like that for the rest of the pokemon descriptions, too.

Professor Oak also gave her five empty pokeballs, a map, and a pokedex.

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Let's just pretend that I've never seen the show POKEMON in my life, and a friend is convincing me to start liking pokemon by having me read a few fanfictions. I'm probably thinking "What the heck is a pokeball and pokedex? That sounds REALLY stupid." What is the function of a pokedex? What is the purpous of a pokeball? DESCRIBE!

to be continued...

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Don't ever put "to be continued" it just sounds like you don't know how to come up with a good ending. The best ending to a chapter . . . a book . . . a series . . . whatever, is a cliffhanger. MAKE me want to read more.

~Night

P.S. your fic was good for a trainer fic, though. most trainer fics are . . . too hard to discribe. they're so bad {not going to say any names . . . but one of them is mine. The New World was my first . . . and worst . . . fic ever. You have promise, you just have to try harder and find some better techniques.
Oh, and sorry for using all but one paragraph from your chapter as quotes in your post, that just makes it easier for me to review
EDIT: and you may want to change your title; Pokemon and Adventure turns off viewers

Chapter Two: Abbey's First Pokemon

Abbey was walking on Route One. While she was walking, she spotted many wild Pokemon so she was happy to catch them. While she was still walking along the Route One path, she spotted a wild Pokemon flying over here head, so she wanted to chase it down. She took out her pokedex and a person talked out of it; it said that the Pokemon was Pidgey and it was a normal type and flying type Pokemon. The pokedex also said that Pidgey has an extreme sense of direction and it's capable unerringly returning home to its nest; however far it may maybe removed from its familiar surroundings.

"Cool, this Pokemon would be a good one for a starting collection," said Abbey to herself. "Go Squirtle!"

Squirtle in front of Abbey, staring in the eyes of the wild Pidgey.

"Use Tackle Squirtle!" exclaimed Abbey.

Squirtle ran towards the wild Pidgey and then when Squirtle attacked it. The wild Pidgey countered by using the same Tackle attack on Squirtle. They were hurt, but they wouldn't be hurt that much for any longer.

"Use Tackle again Squirtle!" exclaimed Abbey.

Squirtle ran towards the wild Pidgey again, but it missed because the wild Pidgey flew in the air. The wild Pidgey came flying down on Squirtle, hitting it while using the same Tackle attack. Abbey knew that the wild Pidgey was strong.

"Use Tackle one more time Squirtle!" exclaimed Abbey.

Squirtle ran towards the wild Pidgey, but it flew up in the air. Squirtle waited for the wild Pidgey to attack it with Tackle and when the wild Pidgey came down to attack, Squirtle used Tackle. The wild Pidgey was weak enough to get captured, so Abbey took out a pokeball from her purse and threw it at the wild Pidgey. It was caught and she was happy. She hugged Squirtle for a good job it done. She walked some more and found something on the floor. She picked it up and it was a potion, so she put it away in her purse.

Abbey heard her phone ringing so she picked it up and it was her mom.

"Hi mom," said Abbey.
"Hi Abbey, how's your Pokemon adventure doing for you?" asked her mom.
"It's going good so far, I've caught my first Pokemon," said Abbey.
"Cool, what Pokemon was it?" asked her mom.
"It was a wild Pidgey, it's a normal type and a flying type Pokemon," said Abbey.
"Yeah I know the types, there's a school up ahead in Viridian City, so you should go there and learn about the Pokemon types," said her mom.
"Okay mom, I will go there," said Abbey.

Abbey hung up her phone and took out the map that Professor Oak gave her. She looked at it and she saw that Viridian City was close by. She put it away back into her purse and she continued walking some more along Route One. She was getting close to Viridian City, so she started to run. She read the sign that said Viridian City was just up ahead and when she was inside Viridian City, she stopped to take a deep breathe.

to be continued...

^_________________________^

Banned desu.

Closed to protect those who aren't here.