Poem I wrote

You say, I'm only a phone call away.
But for me this distance is decay, I'm knocking on deaths door but your already dead.
It's either now or ****ing never and that night we meant every word we said.
I've gave into this for long enough, all i can say for sure is were coming out tonight.

Sleep is just a cousin of death, So don't close your eyes, not just yet.
I wake up with the sun in my eyes.
Because, I just want to forget the wound in the hear.
So, line my throat with lipstick and leave my blood for flies.
Now take my body to the shore and ill wait for the tide.
I would never hurt you again, because for today I'm the one who dies.







Feel free to leave comment!, and thanks to voting! :D

A nice poem, I liked it, alot. It has a sad feeling to it, which made me sad, but i like it
keep up the good work :D

It's quite good but some of it seems like you just seemed to try and find any sort of dark word to rhyme. Such as 'distance is decay' And try not to curse in poetry it's a little untatsefull.. If you're trying to show your anger use your words and your heart and not your impulse & head. So try not to rhyme so much and use your words a little more wisely. Take your time and relax and let it flow from the heart. Doesn't matter how long or shoet it is just be consistant and done run off your theme. The tone i get is anger and death when it's suppose to be about heartbreak no?
Anyway i loved these lines
'So, line my throat with lipstick and leave my blood for flies.
Now take my body to the shore and ill wait for the tide. I would never hurt you again, because for today I'm the one who dies.'

I found the imagery very powerful. I liked it. you should definately do more imagery. Try looking up some techniquies to let your poetry flow such as onomatopoeia,Imagery And others. And work on your theme & tone rather than just trying to keep it dark.

Otherwise i feel you will progress and that this poem is just laking some good one liners and could do without the curse & Some lines that don't really fit such as 'distance is decay' decay which means to rot, Doesn't really fit in saying that for you the distance is decay(rot).

Hope this helps. Well done, keep it up :)

Thanks, to the both of you for the advice :D I hope soon as i get my story wrote you both will read that too. and i will be sure to write more poems!

Feel free to Vm me anytime if you want advice. If you want to read some of my (average) poetry you can have a look here but i'm available to give you pointers any time! Becuase i know it can be hard to get people to read your stuff and rate it. as you'll see in my thread xD

Thanks, GavZ I will be sure too look at your poetry. I will also be sure to ask you for pointers. :D

GavZ said:

Try looking up some techniquies to let your poetry flow such as onomatopoeia,Imagery And others.

Click to expand...

You mean assonance, right? (like 'sick winter trip' uses the same 'i' sound) Not onomatopoeia, which is splat! bzzz! wham! achoo!

This poem could use some work. There are too many excessive words that don't add anything (only, just, because) and not enough imagery ('it's now or never' is an expression that means 'make up your mind' and neither is particularly poetic). Also, clean up the typos (gave given, your you're, etc.)

This here, however, is not too shabby, but why did you break the pattern?

So, line my throat with lipstick and leave my blood for flies.
Now take my body to the shore and ill wait for the tide.

Click to expand...

The structure of the second line was starting the mirror the first and then... it changes. (FYI, you can use parallel sentence structure to associate two otherwise separate images.) I can see you needed something short at the end to keep the rhythm, but you could try changing a few words and moving things around.

And that last line, do you even need it? I mean, a body in the pull of the tide - that's pretty clearly an image of death already.

Scarf said:

You mean assonance, right? (like 'sick winter trip' uses the same 'i' sound) Not onomatopoeia, which is splat! bzzz! wham! achoo!

This poem could use some work. There are too many excessive words that don't add anything (only, just, because) and not enough imagery ('it's now or never' is an expression that means 'make up your mind' and neither is particularly poetic). Also, clean up the typos (gave given, your you're, etc.)

This here, however, is not too shabby, but why did you break the pattern?
The structure of the second line was starting the mirror the first and then... it changes. (FYI, you can use parallel sentence structure to associate two otherwise separate images.) I can see you needed something short at the end to keep the rhythm, but you could try changing a few words and moving things around.

And that last line, do you even need it? I mean, a body in the pull of the tide - that's pretty clearly an image of death already.

Click to expand...

I wasn't actually advising onomatopoeia but merely using it as an example of techniques to look up. Thank you for pointing that out though! Assonance would be better obviously

Poems go in the Poetry sub-forum. Double-check where you're posting next time. I'll move the thread over for you.

Yeah, sorry about that Astiuns I did really look for the subthread.