Thread: [Pokémon] The Middle Ground
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Old February 25th, 2011 (6:50 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,936
I...have something of a review? It's not much, because I'll save the more details for when I catch up. But I wanted to give you something, since you requested.

(I'm only up to chapter six, sorry!)

Alex, so far, just strikes me as a regular starting trainer. So far, I'm wondering where his relations to Professor Ivy is going to take him. (By the way, "Ivy" isn't the character's first name. It's Felina. So it's odd to read the scenes where the family's talking about her.) Same with that Eevee. I'm wondering what's up with that stretched-mouth Eevee.

One thing that I'm wondering is why you went with first-person narration. The plus of writing in first-person is that we're right inside the reader's head. We're noticing what they're noticing, thinking what they're thinking. We're right in their brain. What I feel is missing through a lot of your narration is how your characters actually feel. The plot itself is moving at a good pace. You don't slow anything down when it doesn't need to be. But I would like to see more about how the characters actually feel about what's going on around them.

It was also just a bit confusing to have two different first-person narrators in one chapter...but then I figured out that that's why you have the bold separators.

So far, this is just a simple original trainer fic. But you definitely put the work into this, so I'm going to continue reading and see where this goes.

Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game

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