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[Pokémon] The Secret Behind The Truth

Jason Wolf

The Chronicler
999
Posts
14
Years
  • I'd love to hear your feed back on everything and anything in the fanfic. i'm really open to suggestions.


    CHAP: 1
    Day 1

    I sat shaking with anxiety. Tomorrow was the most important day in my life. I had an appointment with Professor Yew. Professor Yew, the town's local pokemaniac, was finally going to give me my first pokemon at eight tomorrow morning. My choice was between three traditional starters: Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur.

    It was a little before midnight. The pale white moon was shining down like it did every night in Viskol. The town was famous for it wonderful views of the Terias region. The same every day was getting boring, but tomorrow was my chance to get out into the world.

    Viskol may have been the ideal place to raise a child, but only if that child wanted to live a sheltered live where the most interesting thing that would happen to them is an annual Sunflora festival. I wanted some action. When my grandpa used to be alive and I was young he would go on and on about his journey and how fantastic his adventures were. He passed away last year, and left me with three pieces of advice.

    "live that dream. The one you… you always told me about. An' I know you're a crazy kid, but try not to be stupid at least for your parents' sake, and Jason remem… remember who you belong to. Remember who you are. You're a fighter and you're a Simulus." I heard his raspy voice as he faded away.

    I almost cried when I thought back to that day . I never would forget his words, But right now they rung out even louder. I decided to follow his words and not be stupid, and stay up all night. It was best that I slept. I silently surrendered as I lied down and closed my eyes.

    Instead of an alarm clock I had my mom's Delcatty and my dad's Houndoom. Those two were always arguing. My vision was still foggy as I rifled through my dresser. After running a hand through my unruly brown hair I grabbed my cap and slipped it over my rats nest. Once I was sort of awake I opened my door and prepared for the gauntlet. Hephaestus and Artemis were clawing at each other in the kitchen. When I opened the door both of them stopped their fighting and ran towards me. I jumped past them, grabbed a pop tart, put on my hiking boots, and dashed out the door.

    Walking to Professor Yew's lab just down the street felt a lot longer than it was. The air was still cool and the grass was still wet along the dirt road. When I reached the front gate I checked my poke tech. it was seven ten. I still had fifty minutes until I was supposed to meet with him. I decided to try his intercom and see if I could come in. I pressed the button and heard static then the professor's voice.

    "Hello. Who's this?" the professor questioned me with a paranoid tone

    "It's me Jason. I was hoping I could come in early." I replied crept out by his voice

    "Oh uh. Phew I was worried it was Rylis again." he tried to say it under his breath "Well yeah uh sure ok"

    The gate buzzer sounded as it unlocked. I pulled open the gate and stepped into the courtyard. I walked up the path to the door. The professor, a tall lanky man, met me at the door leading me to a large foyer.

    "I'm sorry if I interrupted anything. Were you expecting someone?" I asked raising an eyebrow

    "Oh no no… no…no. Just like you I get very anxious when a trainer is going to receive their first pokemon. It's one of the proudest moments of a pokemon professors' life. Here come on" he spoke quickly at first then seemed to slow down.

    He led me into his lab. Computers and odd machines lined the walls. Professor Yew stood in the middle of the room beside a table where three pokemon were sitting munching on poke chow.

    "These are the pokemon you may choose from. Charmander the fire type, Squirtle the water type, or Bulbasuar the grass type." he explained pointing to each when he said their name.

    I looked the pokemon over. The squirtle completely ignored me and continued eating, the bulbasuar sat quietly watching me waiting for something to happen, and all the while the charmander was hopping around his spot shouting.

    "Um… professor could I take them outside and see what they're like. I know it might sound odd, but I'd prefer that if we're going to be partners for life I know what they're really like." I said to the professor while I was having a staring contest with the Bulbasaur.

    "It sounds just fine. I'm happy to already hear you calling your future pokemon 'your partner' Jason" he patted me on the shoulder which seemed out of character for him.

    The squirtle suddenly stopped eating and looked up. He didn't seem to like the idea. Professor Yew rolled his eyes and walked over to the Squirtle. The Bulbasaur and I were still locked in our staring contest to the death. Yew picked up the Squirtle and quietly disciplined him. When he set the Squirtle back down it looked like he was just yelled at by his mom in the middle of town, and I knew that look from experience.

    "Don't mind him. He doesn't like to have to stop eating in the middle of his meals." he confirmed to me

    The Charmander hopped down from the table and came right up to me followed slowly by the Bulbasaur.

    "As you can see Charmander is very energetic and bulbasuar is slow and steady" Yew placed the Bulbasaur on the floor.

    We walked outside and I sat in the grass with the two pokemon. I started to play with them while professor Yew went inside to watch the squirtle. After a little while I heard a rustling noise in the bushes behind me. I got up and turned to see what it was. A wild pidgey flew out and scared bulbasuar back into the lab. Now I stood outside alone with the last starter pokemon. Charmander. I looked at the Charmander and he looked back at me. Time seemed to be out of mind. For some reason it felt like I was looking at an old friend.

    "Professor I made my choice." I said confidently still gazing at the Charmander

    "I'm going to guess your taking charmander" he replied with a laugh

    "Yes. I know I'm supposed to." I said taking a deep breath

    "Alright. Are you going to name him" he asked pulling out an electronic tablet.

    "Yeah. His name is Jaklo. By the way, could I have a practice battle against you? I've heard that you used to be a great trainer and well… we could use as much experience as we can get." I nodded as I said my new pokemon's name and then turned to Professor Yew.

    "Not to gloat, but what you heard is true. I'd be happy to show you how battling is done." he put his fists on his hips and looked off into the sky.

    I followed the professor to a field for pokemon battles. After he explained the rules he sent out one of his pokemon. A Lileep came out of his pokeball ready to fight. I knelt down and began to talk to Jaklo.

    "You ready for your first pokemon battle?" I questioned Jaklo looking into his big brown eyes again.

    Jaklo responded with two jumps and a happy shout.

    "Ok then, Jaklo go get'um!" I shouted pointing at Lileep.

    Jaklo ran onto the field and charged Lileep. His stubby claws grew a little longer as he got closer. Lileep was much to slow to try and dodge Jaklo's move. Jaklo raked his claws along Lileep's green rocky skin. The professor bit his lip disappointed in his lack of reflexes. Lileep hissed and wriggled its tentacles in anger and pain. Jaklo had jumped back to the center of the field.

    The air was getting tense. Jaklo's eyes were tiny slits that showed his determination and ferocity. The two pokemon were staring each other down like in a classic western. I almost expected a tumble weed to float by.

    "Good job Jaklo, hit him again" I broke the silence

    Jaklo repeated his earlier attack, but this time the professor expected it. He chuckled and closed his eyes. Instantly it was obvious that I fell right into his trap.

    "Lileep use wrap! Hog tie him!" the professor said in a southern drawl.

    Lileep launched out its tentacles and grabbed Jaklo around the waist. The rough pink limbs ensnared Jaklo's arms and legs. Jaklo squealed out as Lileep tightened his grip. I didn't know what I could do. I had done my research and learned that young pokemon tend to have two moves, and scratch couldn't help with Jaklo bound like that. Jaklo shouted louder. The flame on Jaklo's tail began to shrink.

    "Come on Jaklo. I know you can do this. I trust you." I shivered watching Jaklo cry out in pain.

    Jaklo squirmed and tried his best to escape, but he wasn't strong enough. Lileep seemed almost amused by Jaklo's futile struggle. Jaklo took advantage of this moment. All on his own Jaklo began growling and biting at the Lileep. Jaklo's fighting spirit surprised Lileep into loosening its grip. I barely noticed what was happening.

    "Jaklo now break free!" I shouted the second I realized what was happening.

    Jaklo ran back to me crying out. Jaklo looked pretty beat up and from just that one move. He had brush burns on his wrists and a nasty one across his belly. I had to think of a way to hit lileep without getting close. I tried strategies out in my head, but all of them involved getting close to lileep. I could try and get Lileep to come to Jaklo, but even then we still had the disadvantage. I looked down at Jaklo and began to stare at his tail. The flame that resided on its tip was growing back to a normal size. Little embers started floating off of it in the breeze.

    "Jaklo." my Charmander looked up into my eyes "I think I have an idea" a devious smile grew across my face.

    Jaklo looked at me waiting to hear my plan. I crouched down and began to whisper to him. He nodded at intervals to show that he understood and agreed. When I finished, Jaklo stepped onto the field, roared a battle cry at Lileep, and then waited for my instructions.

    "Alright Jaklo, try ember!" I clenched my fist and swung it in a wide arc in front of me.

    Jaklo locked his stance. Jaklo fired a bunch of tiny fireballs. The little orbs of flame sizzled when they hit Lileep's skin, but they didn't seem to affect him heavily. Jaklo then followed up with scratch. He ripped at the burnt patches of skin. This was just as I planned. The Lileep was strong the fact that it was still standing was proof enough, but I knew it couldn't be immortal.

    "Lileep you've got this. Use astonish" Yew snapped

    Lileep covered its face with its tentacles. Then he flung them out with a low wet hiss. Each tentacle hit Jaklo, but did little damage.
    "we have this. Jaklo finish him off how ever you'd like." I chuckled as I spoke.

    Jaklo decided to use scratch. He pulled back his arm then tore at Lileep's face. Lileep finally gave in. He fell over his large head putting him off balance. I heard and felt a thud as Lileep hit the dirt.

    "That was a good choice to try and use a ranged special attack. Charmander generally doesn't learn ember so soon though. I wonder what caused him to know it. Also you shouldn't get so cocky. Even if you trust blaze to make his own decisions another trainer may make his own that you are then unprepared for. Come inside I have some things for you." the professor motioned for me

    I felt really urked by the second thing he said. So maybe I was a little overconfident. Yew was getting a little cocky too. I tried to dispel the argument.

    Jaklo and I walked back into the lab ,and I put him on a table. The professor left to a room on the other side of the foyer. When he came back he had a tray with a number of items on it: five pokeballs, a potion, and a red poke tech card.

    "What's on the poke tech card?" I asked picking it up and trying to read the tiny writing on it.

    "This is a pokedex upgrade." Yew grabbed it away from me

    "Pokedex?" I said confused "Never heard of one."

    "It's made to record data on all the pokemon you'll meet on your journey. We professors give them to trainers so that they are able to know what each pokemon is capable of and to record information on new pokemon species." he took my poketech and inserted the card.

    "Cool, well I got to get going. Thank you professor Yew" I began talking faster and faster anxious to go home.

    I took Jaklo off the table and put him on the floor then headed out the front door. Jaklo followed me closely down the street. When I reached my house I found my parents sitting at the table with a big breakfast buffet lined up.

    "Morning mom dad" I shouted

    "Oh, you were already up. We thought you were still asleep." my mom said

    "I couldn't sleep, so I got up early and already saw professor Yew." I said sheepishly

    Jaklo walked in through the door behind me. Hephaestus sat bolt up when he caught Jaklo's scent and bounded over to him.

    "Hephaestus! Back off!" I yelled angrily

    He whimpered and walked away. Jaklo was shaking bad even after he left. I picked him up and tried to calm him down. I carried him over to show him to my parents and he went back to his energetic self. After breakfast take two I spent the rest of the morning playing with Jaklo. That afternoon was my friends and mine going away party. We had some fun and games, cake and ice cream, and not to mention birthday presents. I got some money, items, and a radio card for my poke tech from one of my cousins who said that some of the music on there can draw out pokemon.

    Half an hour before the party was over I met up with my two friends Tyr and Flora who were coming with me. Tyr is thin and agile. He always spends his time swimming in the lake. He's always been a true blue water type fan. Flora on the other hand is a landlubber. She's always tending her little garden. Her green thumb just shows how much of a grass trainer she is. Just as I had guessed Tyr had picked squirtle and Flora picked bulbasuar. We talked for a while, but then our poke tech alarms went off all at once. It was time to go.

    It was so nice that everyone came to see us off, but it made me see just how much I had to leave behind. I knew I wouldn't see home for a while, but I had hope that the road ahead would become as welcoming as home.

    The summer sun was still up as we walked down the path out of town. We let our pokemon walk with us like most other trainers. The walk was refreshing after the crowded party. We kept a conversation going to pass the time. As the day grew late we started to look for a place to stop for the night. We choose a spot where the trees made a natural canopy.

    We split up the work between us. Flora set up the tents, Tyr unpacked our dinner, and I had to get firewood. It didn't take long until we were all settled in. we sat around the fire as we finished up our dinner. I crawled over into my tent and open my poketech. I installed the cards I received and read over the instructions for each. Along with the pokedex card that Prof. Yew gave me was a transfer system that allowed me to send and receive pokemon my pokemon from Prof. Yew's lab. One of the rules of being a trainer was that you can only carry six pokemon at a time. While I was looking that over Jaklo finished eating and walked into my tent. I decided that it would a good idea to try out the pokedex. I scanned Jaklo into it and waited for the data to load. It had all sorts of information about charmander: the moves they can learn, what they evolve into, and even their typical diet. The pokedex had information on hundreds of other pokemon which other people had seen. After reading through them I kept a note on my poketech of the pokemon I wanted to catch. The pokedex also showed where the pokemon were known to be seen. The list was long, but I had plenty of time.

    As the fire grew darker we all climbed into our tents and get ready to sleep. I put Jaklo back in his pokeball and went to sleep. The night went fast and I woke up to the calls of wild pokemon. I crawled out of my tent and stretched. I didn't see any sign that the other two had woken up yet, so I decided to get a head start and packed up before sitting down to breakfast. I let Jaklo back out of his pokeball and fed him some pokechow. After eating I scanned the forest for pokemon. There were a lot of them, but none of them were the ones I was looking for. When Tyr woke up I went for a walk with Jaklo. The dew clung onto my boots as I hiked around the trees. I still couldn't see any of the pokemon I was looking for, so I trudged back. When I got there Flora and Tyr had already cleaned up the campsite and were enjoying their breakfast. When they finished we pulled out our poketechs and checked the map. The route we were on would lead us to Shoal town, but that would take three more days. Before we started moving I decided to try and strike up some conversation.

    "So are you guys looking for any pokemon in specific on our way to Shoal?" I asked

    "Hm… oh um, well not too many" flora said

    "How about you Tyr?" I looked to him

    "I have a few on my list" he shrugged

    "Examples please" I continued

    "I'm looking for this one" Flora opened her pokedex and showed it us "It's called surskit"

    "Oh I've seen those out on the lake. You should try looking for one when we go by water" Tyr exclaimed

    "Ok and you Tyr" I said

    "I want to find gastly, but they live a little past Shoal town" he said

    "Now here's a question. What pokemon do you want Jason?" flora raised an eyebrow

    "Oh boy… I don't think I can list them all for you. Here just look at the list on my poketech." I handed it over to them. Their eyes widened when they saw the list. "I told you."

    "Man, that's more than half the pokemon on record!" Tyr yelled

    "I know. I just really want to try." I scratched the back off my head

    "Well you'll only get the chance if we get moving" flora said

    We stood up and started walking back down the route. We soon came to a fork in the road. We each wanted to travel down a different route. Here we made a pact meet again and we went our separate ways.

    "…now what" I asked Jaklo

    "Gawuh gawuh char char" Jaklo gnawed on a rock then threw it aside

    "Um… let's go this way" I said pointing and walking in said direction.

    Jaklo followed closely behind. I opened my pokedex back up and looked at the list. One out of four hundred ninety three. The pokedex screen blinked.

    "New update for pokedex. Would you like to update now" the machine sounded

    "Uh sure ok" I said figuring why not

    "Updating… updating… updating… all done" it sounded

    I looked back at my list. One out of six hundred forty nine. My mouth was gapping. Another hundred and fifty six pokemon to find and catch. Great. I sighed and kept walking. My mood was getting progressively worse. My friends and I separated, a ton of new pokemon that I've never heard of, and now I was in a bad mood which just compiled in on itself. I looked down at Jaklo who was walking along oblivious to my disappointment. I was happy that there were more pokemon, but it was already going to be a challenge before. Oh well I figured that if I kept thinking like that I'd never get anything done.

    "Come on Jaklo lets go double time" I shouted and began running

    "char-man-dar" Jaklo yelled as he matched my pace

    "Yeah let's do wah! Ugghhhh" I tripped and skidded on the dirt path.

    I rolled over and looked behind me to see what I tripped on. It appeared to be a purple tree root with no tree.

    "What's that?" I asked looking at Jaklo who shrugged looking back at me

    My poketech bleeped. I pulled it out of my pocket and opened it up. The pokedex system opened up immediately.

    "Ekans, the snake pokemon. The older it gets, the longer it grows. At night, it wraps its long body around tree branches to rest." it responded

    "Ekans? What?" I looked back at what tripped me and realized that poketech camera was pointed right at it. "Oh so that how it could tell. Wait Ekans are pokemon"

    The Ekans sprung up and hissed. Jaklo was momentarily frightened, but he got over it and jumped to my side. The Ekans slither fully onto the path and hissed again.

    "Stop trying to act so tuff and just fight you oversized earthworm. Jaklo use ember" I shouted

    Jaklo built up a fire in his mouth and launched it at the Ekans. The snake like pokemon slithered past the flames control every muscle in its body in perfect fluidity.

    "That was actually impressive. For a guarder snake. Jaklo use scratch" I yelled still confident in my pokemon

    Jaklo's claws seemed to grow slightly. His small paw like hands bashed and slashed the Ekans. The Ekans hissed angrily and fled.

    "Another amazing job Jaklo, but now that I think of it we should try and find some other pokemon. You may be strong, but you won't be able to handle everything." I said

    "Cha char char" Jaklo said out of breath.

    I picked him up and carried him the rest of the way to the next town. I was really quite astonished. This town was a lot larger than the little village I grew up in. I checked the map on my poketech and found the pokemon center.

    "Hello excuse me…" I said to a lady standing behind a counter inside

    "Hello welcome to the Hilah town pokemon center. May I help you?" she said kindly

    "Yes. Could you please heal my pokemon?" I asked lifting Jaklo onto the counter

    "Of course that's what we nurses do" she smiled gently

    The lady picked up Jaklo and sat him down on a machine.

    "Now this doesn't hurt at all. It uses a special type of light to send energy to your pokemon." she said turning on the machine.

    A light circled around Jaklo for a few seconds then disappeared. The nurse picked Jaklo back up and handed him to me.

    "Thank you for coming to your local pokemon center" she said as we walked out

    Jaklo and I walked back out to the route we came from. I looked down at him confident and overall happy.

    "Its time to catch some pokemon. You ready?" I shouted

    "Char-Mandar" Jaklo shouted back

    CHAP: 2
    Catch of the Day

    We scoured the forest on both sides of the path. We scared up some wild Rattata and Sentret or two, but we hadn't seen any special pokemon that I felt like catching. We kept up the search.

    "What was that?" I heard high pitched buzz in my ear

    "Char iar iar iar" Jaklo said covering his ears

    "Let's go find out." I said to Jaklo

    We ran off towards the source of the noise. The noise was coming for some sort of pokemon. I could immediately tell the source when I saw it. Some kind of pokemon was flapping its wings at extreme speeds. It was red and green and had a segmented body. It had somehow gotten its head stuck inside a hole in a tree. Its wings were flapping so fast I couldn't get close or try and say something to it. I thought hard. I couldn't think softly I wouldn't be able to hear myself think.

    "Got it!" I pulled out one of my pokeballs. "Since these things somehow teleport pokemon inside I can teleport that pokemon out of the tree."

    I threw the pokeball and it sucked the pokemon in with a red light. The pokeball twitched on the ground and then blinked red. A signal for a capture.

    "Cool. Now let's see if I guessed right." I sent my new pokemon back out.

    "Yan yanaz" it buzzed

    I took out my pokedex and scanned the pokemon.

    "Yanma, the clear wing pokemon. If it flaps its wings really fast, it can generate shock waves that will shatter windows in the area." my pokedex confirmed it.

    I was able to guess that the pokemon was a Yanma from a picture of it from the pokedex.

    "Yan yaz" it said turning around to face me.

    The Yanma seemed to be very grateful. He did a flip in the air to show off his freedom. He landed on my back and began flapping its wings much more gently then before. I lifted up an arm and reached out beside me. The Yanma skittered across my arm and sat there.

    "Jaklo it seems that we've got a new friend to travel with. Now all he needs is a name" I said

    My Yanma skittered back across my arm, flew to a tree and began pacing on it like he was thinking. I watched as his legs moved swiftly across the branch, but only taking him so far.

    "Skitter!" I shouted

    The Yanma jumped and looked at me.

    "Skitter it's a perfect name" I yelled

    "Yan an an" Skitter shook the branch

    "Alright let's get back to town" I said

    We walked back out onto the path.

    "Hey you!" someone yelled at me

    I turned around. Some kid was running up the route.

    "I challenge you to a pokemon battle!" the kid yelled

    "Alright then" I said

    "Go Spearow!" the kid shouted throwing one of his pokeballs.

    "Alright…Jaklo get going" Jaklo jumped out in front of me

    "Spearow use quick attack!" the kids Spearow took off and flew low over the ground

    "Jaklo jump and scratch him as he goes by" I shouted

    Jaklo reacted as fast as ever. He leaped into the air, turned around, and reached his claws down at the Spearow. The bird pokemon's momentum took care of the rest. The Spearow dug a rut in the ground when it landed.

    "Ack! Spearow! Wah wah! You're gonna pay for that! Go Shellos!" the kid said going from sad to angry

    "Shell shelio. Sha sha sha!" The Shellos stuck its tongue out gawked at Jaklo.

    "Ok Shellos use water gun and douse that Charmander!" the kid cried

    His Shellos blasted water out its mouth towards Jaklo. I didn't even get to say anything. Jaklo was on his own for the moment. The gushing water roared towards him and he maybe had a second to react. Jaklo tried his best to sidestep the torrent, but he was still partially hit. Jaklo staggered, but stayed standing.

    "Jaklo! You alright!?" I said kneeling down to him "hmm… you take a break. Ok ya little brat time to end this."

    I returned Jaklo to his pokeball.

    "Skitter can you step in?" I asked

    "Yan! YAN AN AN AN!" Skitter said growing in rage.

    "Good to know. Skitter use sonicboom!" I clasped my hands over my ears.

    Skitter began beating his wings faster and faster. He landed and planted his feet. A devastating blast of sound whizzed out and blasted the Shellos which promptly fell unconscious.

    "Urgh… fine you win." the kid returned his pokemon to its ball and walked away pouting.

    "Come on Skitter we should get Jaklo to the pokemon center." I said calmly

    We traveled at a decent pace and arrived at the center at dusk. The same nurse happily helped me again. After she returned my pokemon I yawned and heard my stomach growl. Apparently she did too.

    "If you need somewhere to stay for the night the pokemon center is always here to serve as a rest stop for trainers" she smiled and showed me to a room with a few bunk beds.

    Since I didn't have any other options I stayed the night there. In the mourning I decided to see if there was anything interesting going on around town. I walked around the town looking for anything interesting. While I was walking down one of the busier street I saw someone grab a girl's bag. As the purp ran by I rolled my eyes and stuck my arm out.

    "Guys really shouldn't carry purses yeah know" I laughed

    The guy almost made an entire backflip, but just landed on his face. The girl came running over and almost tripped on the criminal. She was wearing blue jeans, a black jacket, and some black converse. Around her neck was a brilliant silver pendent with an onyx jewel in it.

    "Whoa. Gotta watch your step there" I joked

    "Uh yeah… can I have my bag back now" she joked back without a thank you

    "Eeh eeh eevee" I heard a pokemon call

    "Vixen there you are. I thought you were right behind me." she said picking her pokemon up.

    Jaklo noticing the other pokemon revealed himself and began jumping trying to see who the pokemon was.

    "Huh? Oh Jaklo here." I picked up Jaklo who proceeded to talk with the girl's pokemon.

    "I never caught your name after you caught this jerk for me." the girl asked swiping her silvery hair to the side

    "I'm Jason and now may I know who you are" I replied

    "Laecy, but everyone just calls me Lace" Lace said shifting from one foot to another.

    "you from this town?" I asked continuing the Q&A session

    "Yeah. I don't recognize you so I'll assume you aren't" Lace said

    "No I'm from Viskol it a little north east of here." I said

    "So I'm guessing you're on a journey then." Lace shifted feet again

    "Um hmm" I nodded

    "Well me and vixen have been looking for someone to travel with." Lace said.

    "Um… well it's a little out of the blue, but I think it would be great to have you come along" I nodded and looked at Jaklo for approval.

    Jaklo nodded.

    "This is great. Now we just gotta find Isaac." Lace said

    "Who?" I raised an eyebrow

    "Isaac he's a friend of mine. He promised to go with me too" Lace said

    "Ok where is he then?" I asked

    "He said he'd meet me at the route" Lace explained

    Lace started walking. I followed behind. We stopped at the western exit to town. Lace looked around and put her hand on her hips. I looked around too. My guess was that Isaac was supposed to be here and I was right. Some guy who looked maybe a year older than me came running from the route. He was wearing some muddy street shoes, kaki cargo pants, a long sleeve gray shirt, and mahogany fleece vest.

    "Isaac you're late" Lace said angrily tapping her foot

    "Actually you're late I went on ahead before you got here" Isaac gawked

    "Hi I'm the distraction" I reached out my hand "my name's Jason Simulus"

    "Isaac…" he took my hand and shook it "I'm a friend of Lace here."

    "Yeah she told me. Lace invited me to join you guys. Some irony here. I started my journey with two of my friends. Weird." I explained

    "If you're coming I think you need to answer a question first." Isaac said

    "Ok. What's the question?" I yawned

    "You ready for a pokemon battle?" Isaac shouted pulling out one of his pokeballs

    "I'm always ready" I yelled back and Jaklo ran up and snarled

    CHAP: 3
    You just blew my mind

    Isaac sent out his pokemon. An oddly colored Ralts with a gray body, red cap, and black "horns". Isaac yelled for his Ralts who he apparently named "Krimson" to use confusion. A red aura enveloped his Ralts. Krimson launched a psychokinetic pulse knocking Jaklo off his feet.

    "Jaklo, we aren't taking that lying down. Use ember" I clenched my fists and shouted

    Jaklo copied me and clenched his fists as he launched a volley of fireballs. He lobbed them into the air and the rained down on Krimson.

    "Looks like we underestimated you. Krimson, time for your crimson lightning" Isaac yelled

    Krimson teleported, but was still hit by one of the fireballs. Krimson reappeared behind Jaklo and in front of me. He launched a wicked arc of electricity which Jaklo tried to dodge, but it followed his every move. The bolt of electricity impacted Jaklo and sent him crumpling to the ground. Without a word I returned Jaklo to his pokeball and sent out Skitter.

    "Gemme a minute before we continue" I told Isaac

    "Alright then one minute" Isaac said checking his watch

    "Skitter, do you know a move called bug buzz?" I whispered

    "yana yaz" Skitter hummed quietly

    "Good, I need you to use that to get Krimson on the ground then use sonicboom to knock him out." I continued whispering

    "Yan ah" Skitter buzzed loud again

    Skitter flew out onto the battlefield. His wings began flapping so fast he almost took off, but he had dug his six legs deep into the ground. The resulting noise brought all of us to our knees. I envied to be inside a pokeball like Jaklo. Either way the plan worked. Krimson was on the ground clasping his ears. Skitter stopped when he noticed the Ralts whining on the ground and blasted out a controlled jet of wind and sound. The repercussive boom knocked Krimson into the air. Skitter followed him into the air and grabbed him. He flew in circles at an impressive pace. He let go of Krimson and sent him flying. Krimson hit the ground and bounced. Isaac returned Krimson to his pokeball before he crashed again.

    "Hey, you don't see me returning Jaklo before he takes a hit." I shouted at Isaac

    "Look I could tell he wasn't gonna get up after that hit. Sorry for not letting my pokemon get more hurt then it has to." Isaac said this while grabbing another pokeball.

    He threw the ball and sent out a short brown and sienna pokemon. It hopped and shook dropping spores all over.

    "Time for payback! Shroomish take um out!"

    The pokemon jumped and headbutted Skitter knocking him out of the sky. Skitter landed on his feet and the pokemon landed on him. Skitter tried to shake him off, but that only caused the pokemon to drop more and more spores. The little particles landed all over Skitter who slowly began to stiffen up. When he could move no more the pokemon jumped off and walked back to Isaac. I returned Skitter to his pokeball.

    "For an amateur that was pretty good." Isaac gawked

    "Mmm hm… how'd you know I was new to this?" I wondered

    "I didn't you just seem to be a beginner" Isaac shrugged

    "Anyways can we stop at the pokemon center before we leave?" I said

    Isaac nodded and we all walked over to the pokemon center. After we took care of our pokemon and their injuries we went back to the route. I took head as we began walking. I felt a breeze from in front of us. I was walking proud and surefooted despite my previous loss. A heard an odd flapping noise. A sheet of paper flew right into my face.

    "He he, guess that's why they call them flyers" Isaac laughed

    Lace laughed too as I tore the paper off my face. I began to read the paper.

    "Hey look at this. Terias region league. The ultimate challenge for battling trainers."

    "Yeah I know about the league" Isaac said

    "We both do." Lace confirmed

    "You guys ever try it?" I asked looking from one to the other

    "No haven't wanted to" Isaac said "I prefer finding real challenges. Those gym leaders and their supposed elite four have been trained for their positions, but they can't do anything else."

    "How about you Lace" I looked to her

    "Nope. Not too big of a fan of organized battling." Lace began playing with her hair

    "So do you guys have any specific plans?" I asked

    "I want to become a professional breeder" Lace said "I want to train pokemon to become the very best they can be."

    "Hm ok your turn Isaac" turned back to him

    "Trainer. That's that" Isaac said quick and simple

    "Well this league sounds interesting. I think I'm gonna try it." I said clenching my fists and looking up at the sky

    "So if you're going to do that where should we head next?" Lace said taking the flyer.

    "Let me check…" I opened up my poketech "the first gym is in Kybro town. The gym leader's name is Joe."

    "Kinda average name huh?" Isaac said

    "Eh doesn't really matter does it?" Lace said

    "All that matters to me is that we get there soon" I said already running down the route.

    "Hey! Wait up" Lace and Isaac called from behind

    CHAP: 4
    Hey Kybro
     
    Last edited:

    icomeanon6

    It's "I Come Anon"
    1,184
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • First things first: The sentences in this story that contain speech almost invariably have un-capitalized beginnings and no punctuation at the end. This is a serious problem. It makes your dialogue look completely devoid of feeling, and it's incorrect and unprofessional. You seem to punctuate your sentences correctly during normal narration, so why do you just up and ignore grammar that you obviously know for the dialogue? It boggles my mind, and it is not at all pleasant to the reader.

    As for the story itself, I think I can sum up most of my thoughts just by looking at the first paragraph:
    I sat shaking with anxiety. Tomorrow was the most important day in my life. I was going to receive my first pokemon from professor Yew. I would choose from the three traditional starters. I was supposed to meet professor Yew at eight it was a little before midnight. I decided that it would be best if I slept. I silently surrendered as I lied down and closed my eyes.
    You notice how all but one of those sentences start with the word I? This makes your sentences sound awfully similar, which makes it kind of a chore to read, almost as much as the un-punctuated dialogue. Also, we really don't know anything about this kid other than that he falls under the very tired trope of the basic trainer who's about to start his Pokemon journey. I hate to say it, but he doesn't have a lot of personality, and his narration came across as kind of bland. Even though the narration is first-person, we don't really get to see how he thinks or how his emotions work.

    To be honest, nothing about this story really stuck out to me. The characters aren't fleshed out at all and stick to stereotypes and tropes, the plot is nothing that I haven't read a million times, and the description is minimal. There's a real problem of telling as opposed to showing, here. You list a bunch of things that happen, when you should be going into more detail.

    There's really not much else for me to say. I would advise finding a beta reader for grammar, taking some time to think about what sets your characters apart from other Original Trainer characters, and taking some time to rework your scenes in greater detail.
     

    Jason Wolf

    The Chronicler
    999
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • that was harsh, but i know what you mean. this really was a first draft i guess. i 've wanted to redo somethings, but i haven't had to much time on my hands. once im able to redo this better i'd love to hear your opinion again.

    also (i hadn't even noticed this) the real plot twist that i entended to use happens int chapter four and five which of course aren't up yet (im currently working on four. i have lots of notes and what not, but very little writing done so far.)

    EDIT: i just changed up the first paragraph so is it an improvement?

    also i don't have any idea where to get a beta reader (or really what it is (i think its a person who checks you work)) if you can suggest one or if you could be one then that would really help.
     
    Last edited:

    JX Valentine

    Your aquatic overlord
    3,277
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • this really was a first draft i guess. i 've wanted to redo somethings, but i haven't had to much time on my hands.

    Have you thought about writing your fics in a word processor (programs like Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or Google Docs)? I ask this because "I haven't had too much time on my hands" really isn't that great of an excuse, bluntly put. :/ I mean, I've got two jobs, I've been bouncing around the country, and I've been applying for grad school, and I've been able to write chapters for the behemoth you see in my sig. My secret? I don't try to get it done in one sitting. Instead, I save my work to my computer via OpenOffice or Word (although lately, I've been saving it to an online word processor – namely, Google Docs). That way, I can go back to it and take my time developing the story and planning things out. At the risk of using a cliché, if I can do it, so can everyone else.

    Moreover, a word processor typically comes complete with a way to check your spelling. Google Docs has a built-in spell check as you type feature, and OpenOffice and Word have similar features you can enable. That way, you can avoid oddly spelled words like "tomarrow" instead of "tomorrow."

    In short, save to a word processor. If you're already doing that, why are you rushing to put up the next chapter? If you work hard to create something unique and enjoyable, your readers can wait for the next chapter. Yours truly only puts out one a month due to real-life commitments, and I've still got readers commenting. :/

    Again, I don't mean to be overly harsh, but yeah. If you want to write, you can't let yourself be bogged down by excuses. You just have to find a way to get around whatever problem is keeping you from doing your best, and there are always ways around those kinds of problems.

    also i don't have any idea where to get a beta reader (or really what it is (i think its a person who checks you work)) if you can suggest one or if you could be one then that would really help.

    It's also a good idea to look around a writing forum when you enter it. Good ones typically have places where you can find valuable resources. That being said, check the stickies of the Writer's Lounge.

    Meanwhile, a beta reader is someone who looks over your work before you post it, yes. They serve as a second pair of eyes, people who can check for errors in grammar, spelling, consistency, characterization, whatever you need. However, as an important note, you'll still need to proofread yourself before sending a document to a beta reader.

    That being said, I dropped by to review, so let's get started in list format.

    1. One of the issues I'm seeing with your beginning is that you jump from one subject to another in the same paragraph. For example, the first one starts off describing the fact that Jason was going to become a trainer the next day, but after a couple of lines, it abruptly changes into a paragraph that tells us what the night was like. Remember that one of the times you start new paragraphs is whenever you start into new topics. In order to determine whether or not you're going into a new topic, just ask yourself one simple question: "Is what I'm about to say related to what I just said?" As in, if your next sentence has nothing to do with the sentence you just wrote, chances are, you need a new paragraph.

    2. As a result, however, your narration starts off feeling like it's going all over the place – like it's unfocused and trying to cover too many things in too short of a time. For example, in the second paragraph, you try to cover a description of Jason, the fight between Hephaestus and Artemis, and Jason's journey to Professor Yew's laboratory all in a few short lines.

    While I understand that you're trying to get to a plot point, also remember that there's such a thing as going too fast. In this example, you mention Hephaestus and Artemis's fight in literally one sentence (not counting the fact that they served as Jason's alarm clock). By mentioning it in just a sentence, you make it feel as if that detail is just there for no apparent reason. We don't get to hear the two growling and yowling at each other. We don't see one of them clawing the crap out of the other's face. Jason doesn't even really acknowledge them, which seems a little on the weird side considering either of them could do some pretty serious property damage if their fight escalates.

    As an even better example, the journey to the lab. You mention that the walk seems a lot longer, but you don't mention why. Sure, it might be because Jason's feeling a little anxious, but you really don't get into his thoughts and let us see what he's thinking or feeling that would cause him to believe that the walk seemed to take a lot longer than it usually would. This is part of what anon was saying. It's hard to connect to Jason because you really don't get into his thoughts too much. You're focused primarily on the story, but because you're trying to plow right through and get to the good parts, you forget characterization – letting your characters act and express themselves. This is heavily ironic because the story is told in first person POV, meaning the one thing we should be getting at any given time is what the narrating character was thinking in the scenes he's describing.

    3. Always remember to look up Pokémon in online Pokédexes. This has the added bonus of letting you double-check about how species names are spelled.

    On that note, Delcatty, not Delicaty. The Pokémon is not a walking delicatessen, regardless of what certain cultures might think about cats.

    (Also, Bulbasaur, but you get the idea.)

    4. Going to have to agree with anon from what I'm seeing so far. It feels a lot like a typical trainer story to the point where I'm seeing a lot of stereotypes. Sure, you try to bring some new things to the table, but they're not really world-shaking. For example, you have the trainer wake up early thanks to two Pokémon instead of late thanks to a broken alarm clock, but this can be read as an attempt to dodge the wake-up-late-go-to-professor cliché of typical journey fics.

    Then, you have the trainer choose his first Pokémon based on who sticks around after they walk outside, but it seems like you're depending a little more on stereotypes than giving each character its own unique personality. There's Squirtle, sure. However, Charmander is brimming with energy (which is really not surprising at all considering the fact that most media tends to associate characters who wield fire-manipulating techniques as being hyper or brash), and Bulbasaur (a Grass-type with slow stats) is literally described as slow, steady, and terrified of Pidgey (i.e., typical wood or earth manipulator coupled with Bulbasaur's natural Speed stats and weakness to Flying-type moves).

    Of course, my main complaint in this department is naming the Charmander one of the most popular nicknames for a Fire-type starter. On the other hand, this could simply be read as a lack of creativity on Jason's part, and if it is, you get points for a bit of fridge brilliance, sure.

    5. While you get points for not reducing the battle to "Pokémon A used Move B on Pokémon C," remember to be a bit more descriptive with your moves. Attacks should typically not be described in only one line. Here's why:

    First and foremost, you've got the attack itself. This could be one sentence, but usually, Pokémon do more than just what the game screen shows when it comes to executing an attack. For example, if a Lileep uses Wrap, it doesn't just launch out its tentacles. It might stretch its rubbery, pink tentacles and wrap them tightly around Blaze's arms and torso. This is a bit more of a visual description. Notice how you can imagine what the tentacles look like and what they're doing a little more clearly than just "the tentacles ensnared Blaze"?

    Second, with every cause, there's an effect. If Blaze spews fireballs at Lileep, the effect won't just be "Lileep staggered back." The effect might be instead, "Each fireball that flew from Blaze's mouth smacked into Lileep's rocky body with a pop. Lileep screeched and cringed, withdrawing its pink tentacles as it turned its head. Smoke curled from its charring skin, even after the attack died down. Then, Lileep bowed its head, unable to take much more." Notice how you can visualize this part as well? There's consequences to every attack, basically. Even Wrap should have Blaze struggling instead of just wriggling out of its grip. (For that matter, how did it manage to do that? Once you're wrapped, you generally stay wrapped until the Pokémon lets go.)

    Third, even before the move happens, you have the build-up. Here's where you can fit in some characterization for the Pokémon. Each Pokémon will have an emotional reaction to what's going on. Blaze might growl, not as an attack but instead because he's revved up for the match. Lileep might trill in protest as it flexes its tentacles just after Blaze breaks free. Blaze might run forward, his eyes narrowed at his target as he brandishes his claws. Things like that.

    The short of it is battles are a lot more than just one-liners. They're suspenseful, potentially emotional things because there's a lot of action in them. For a trainer fic, they should be pretty much one of the highlights of the fic because you're going to have battles happen often. Be descriptive. Try to use imagery and other techniques to help the reader visualize exactly what's going on. More importantly, don't rush them.

    6. On that note, I feel a little uncomfortable with the idea that Jason has, in Yew's words, "proven himself to be a great trainer already." The reason why is because if you make things too easy for him (like if you have things come naturally to him – like battling, for example), that could be a sign of a Gary Stu. What I mean is we don't learn too much about Jason right off the bat. We don't know how old he is, whether or not he was interested in Pokémon before he started training, or anything that might indicate that he already knows enough about Pokémon to teach his Charmander Ember in a short amount of time. At the same time, you remove every potential obstacle that would make him struggle in this battle. Blaze was able to break free from Wrap almost immediately. Jason taught him Ember early (so early, in fact, that the professor comments about it). The both of them were able to take out Lileep in a couple of hits. It was almost no question that Jason and Blaze would win the match, and neither of them really learned much or showed that they had a lot of character development to do.

    In fact, that's one of the main things about journey fics that you'll want to keep in mind. They're all about growth. A character starts out pretty simply, but they gain the skills, intelligence, and maturity to become something better than what they already are. However, these lessons come to them gradually, throughout the events of their journey. If you have a character start out skilled, intelligent, and/or mature (or at least enough of each to get over obstacles easily), it's not going to be that interesting because they're just not growing. That's why Mary Sues and Gary Stus are bad things to have – because they miss the point of going on a journey in the first place.

    7. One of the easier errors to make is in homophones. It's is a contraction for the words "it is." Its is a possessive pronoun, meaning something belongs to whatever "it" refers to. If you need help keeping them straight, just remember that no pronoun has an apostrophe in it. (This tip will also help you distinguish between there, their, and they're.) If there's an apostrophe, it's a contraction.

    8. As a note, yes, I'm not going to be touching too much on the capitalization and punctuation errors. Legume already covered the basics to them, and beyond that, I'd rather just cover some of the bigger issues or easier-to-miss errors anyway. However, yes, proofread.

    9. Remember what I said earlier about details that felt like they were put into the story for no reason? While the battle between Hephaestus and Athena was necessary for the story, the part where Hephaestus took notice of Blaze seems less so – as in, it doesn't seem particularly important for a reader to know. Don't have your characters do anything that isn't necessary for developing their characterization or furthering the plot. Superfluous information (i.e., unnecessary tidbits) tend to stand out and sound awkward, especially if they're brought up briefly. This is because they cause the reader to wonder whether or not they'll actually need to know these bits when, really, they don't.

    10. Meanwhile, you'll want to include details that should be in the fic. For example, you say that one of Jason's cousins explained to him the radio card. It might be useful to actually include that conversation so it doesn't feel like you're glossing over it or telling the reader what happened instead of showing them. (Note: Show; don't tell is an old piece of writing advice. It means that at all times, you'll want to let the reader get a mental image of what's going on. They don't have the ability to do so if you just summarize important parts because you're not letting them "watch" a scene. That is, they can't imagine the characters talking to each other because they don't have the conversation to read, for example.) This particular conversation might be important, after all, especially if those radio stations turn out to be Chekhov's guns.

    11. We're introduced to two main characters (Tyr and Flora), but we're not given much in the way of description. Instead, we're given summaries of their personalities. We can't imagine what they look like, and the summary just isn't as powerful as showing Tyr rave about how awesome Water-types like his Squirtle are or having Flora talk about her garden. This is what I meant earlier about telling instead of showing. These are two main characters, and we don't get to see them act and show us what they're like. Instead, you summarize, which doesn't allow them to show the depths of their personalities or who they are in general by themselves. It's much better to avoid telling us that Tyr is a water-lover and that Flora loves gardens and instead rely on their actions (including what they say) to let us know who they are.

    12. You also tell us that a trainer can only carry six Pokémon at a time. However, because this is a fanfiction (on a Pokémon forum, no less), you really should assume that the reader knows and understands basics like this already thanks to canon. In other words, don't tell us the rules to being a trainer. Chances are, we already know.

    13. Fire can't grow darker. (It can, however, grow dimmer.)

    14. Poketch. It's a combination of the word "Pokémon" and "watch." (This is, of course, assuming you mean the device introduced in the Gen IV games and not a fan-created device. If it's the second, though, you'll want to explain this within the fic anyway because it's a fan-created concept.)

    15. Why would the Pokédex update itself with the latest Pokémon a day after the professor gave it to Jason? I mean, I'd imagine that discovering Pokémon isn't an event that just happens overnight. (For a decent comparison, think about how fans gradually learned about the next batch of Pokémon.) Professor Yew would have surely gotten the 'dex up-to-date before handing them out.

    16. Why did Ekans just up and flee after getting hit once? Wouldn't the natural reaction be "OM NOM NOM CHARMANDER HAND"? Besides that, considering the fact that Jason wants to capture a load of Pokémon, why didn't he go after Ekans? I mean, he did have the upper hand apparently (given the fact that Ekans didn't even bother striking back, despite the fact that it looked like it was rather ticked after having been tripped over and attacked). If there's an explanation for any of this, remember to add it to your story so it doesn't seem like the battle ended abruptly and so it doesn't seem like things are (or aren't) happening for no apparent reason.

    17. The fact that Jason caught a Yanma without much of a fight seems a little too convenient to me. I mean, even Ash has trouble catching basic Flying-types without fighting them first, and considering the fact that Skitter still had the ability to struggle against the tree, it doesn't seem like it's too weak to put up a fight against a Poké Ball. Of course, you'll also want to consider the fact that in the games, you really can't catch too many Pokémon at full health with an ordinary ball, too.

    Then again, the fact that there was a Yanma stuck in a tree seems a little bit on the hard-to-believe side. I mean, Yanma inhabit forests and are masters of flight. I highly doubt one would be able to get caught in a tree in the first place, and if one did, that would mean you'd have a Yanma with some pretty interesting disabilities that should be brought up and overcome as the fic progresses. (In other words, if your Yanma gets stuck in a tree, chances are it sucks at flying. This should be mentioned later on.)

    Otherwise, yeah. Remember what I said about Gary Stus? Again, you don't want to make things too easy for your characters.

    18. However, I do approve of the fact that Jason is using a Yanma, just because it's one of many Pokémon that just aren't featured that often in fic.

    19. …Jason couldn't guess that the Pokémon he just caught was a Yanma judging by the fact that the Pokédex said it was a Yanma when he pointed it at it?

    20. Slow down your narration. Instead of having a trainer come completely out of nowhere and leave just as soon as he's stopped being useful (in other words, as soon as the battle is over), introduce the character and lead up to the battle gradually. In other words, don't introduce a character for only one purpose. Instead of just having a character appear for a battle and then never be heard from again, have Jason meet him along the way and strike up a conversation that eventually leads to a friendly match. Alternatively, show us this trainer actually being a threat to give Jason a reason for fighting back. You can actually use the anime as a model for how trainer interactions work. Ash never battles anyone unless he's talked to them first or unless he has any other reason to. (For example, if he wants a battle with a random trainer, he'll sometimes find places where trainers are gathered and ask one of them for a match.)

    Meanwhile, the battles so far here (the one against Ekans and the one against this random trainer, for example) only seem to serve one purpose: to make Jason look good. The battles happen out of nowhere with nothing leading up to them, and the matches are usually over after a couple of hits. (For example, Blaze only lands one strike before Spearow is knocked out.) After that, the opponents exit stage right and are never brought up again.

    As a result, the battles have no real effect on the story. As in, Jason doesn't learn anything from them. He always wins them, and they always show off how awesome he is as a trainer (because he can finish these matches in a couple of hits). So, the reader already knows as soon as they happen that Jason is going to win, and the battle in general just seems shallow because it doesn't really develop his character or further him as a trainer.

    In short, again. The journey fic is all about a character growing, learning, and developing. If you don't have that element, then the story just won't be as interesting. Moreover, you risk having a Gary Stu because the character already has everything just handed to him.

    21. The scene where Jason trips the criminal. I wish I could word it a bit more tactfully than this, but you have a character defeat a thief in one shot just by sticking his arm out. It feels like it's trying to assert how awesome Jason is again by having him beat a symbol of evil without even really trying.

    So, I'm just going to have to ask you to read this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

    The above page should help you get to know the concept of a Mary Sue, all the different flavors you could have, and more importantly, why they're typically not a good thing.

    Alternatively, I could simplify the last one for you right now. Mary Sues are not good things because they're characters without development (no matter how much angst the author piles onto them). The entire universe revolves around them and how awesome they are. They don't need to overcome anything because any struggle they're given can be solved either through the use of their sheer awesome or because the universe just makes things convenient for them. As a result, they never grow and develop into deep characters, and they annoy the audience because the story repeatedly emphasizes how awesome these characters are.

    For example, a character who wins every battle isn't necessarily a Sue. However, when those battles happen out of nowhere and seem to have no reason for being in the story (other than to make the character look good) because they have nothing to do with anything that happened before or after it, the character who wins it might just be a Sue. If that character wins said battle in only a few hits, if this kind of thing happens more than once, and if the character follows it up by knocking out a random thief in one hit, then… yeah. Sue. Sorry, but there's not really that many ways to talk about it.

    However, it's possible to improve from here. What you need to do first is educate yourself about Sues and characterization in general. Think about how people around you act and try to mimic their behavior in your characters. Slow down your story and add more to it that make those battles make sense in context. Remember to make everything seem like it happens for a reason. Have your characters struggle and learn something from the things they do in every chapter. Don't just make your story be about how awesome your character is. Things like that.

    In short, all you have to do, really, is to read up on characterization and Mary Sues. After that, it just takes a bit of thought and planning.

    22. You know that Ralts can learn any of a variety of perfectly legitimate Electric-type attacks (including Thunderbolt) by TM, right? I just felt it was rather odd that you used a fan-created move out of nowhere when the other moves are all canon and when you don't really go into any description that would differentiate Crimson Lightning from any other electric attack. Meanwhile, I figured a TM would be somewhat less shady, considering the fact that Skitter used a move it doesn't learn until level 57.

    23. On that note, if Professor Yew commented on Blaze being able to use Ember so soon, it's strange that Skitter can use Bug Buzz shortly after being captured. If he really is that high of a level, then it's equally strange that he allowed himself to be caught in an ordinary Poké Ball without a fight.

    24. The part where the Terias League is brought up feels more like it happened via plot device. As in, it pretty much read like you needed to figure out some way to have Jason learn about it, so you had it happen via act of God. Or to be a bit clearer, it feels like something convenient happens out of the blue to move the plot forward. Don't do things like this. Always have a reason for things happening. Instead of having a paper just happen to fly into Jason's face, why not have him notice a poster about it in the Pokémon Center (where an ad for that kind of thing would logically be due to the number of trainers that would be there), overhear it from other trainers, hear an ad for it on his radio, or do something that would provide a logical connection between him and information about the league? There's millions of ways a league could be advertised, and any of them would feel less out-of-the-blue.

    25. You know, I would have brought this up earlier, but when Isaac and Lace revealed their goals, it just made me feel like it made a little less sense for them to travel with Jason. I mean, at first, Lace says she needs someone to travel with. However, she already has a traveling partner in the form of Isaac. Meanwhile, at the end of the third chapter, both of them state they don't actually like the idea of gyms. (Isaac outright criticizes the entire practice of an organized league, and Lace says she doesn't enjoy those kinds of battles.) So, why would they be interested in what Jason wants to do?

    Not to mention following him wouldn't necessarily allow them to reach their own dreams. After all, Brock (who had the same dream as Lace) had to leave Ash's group for the last time because following Ash wouldn't let him achieve his goals. So, Lace would be making the same mistake in that regard. Meanwhile, Isaac is a trainer, which means Jason would actually be competition in terms of catching Pokémon and finding people to battle. (As in, if Jason and Isaac both saw a Pokémon they wanted to catch or a trainer they wanted to battle, they'd be in competition with each other because they're both trainers.) In fact, Isaac is like a Misty stand-in in this group because Misty was just a trainer. However, she also didn't really do much but snark at Ash, and when she came across a Pokémon she wanted to capture, she would sometimes butt heads with Ash because he wanted to catch it too. (Case in point: Totodile, Togepi, et cetera.)

    So, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't recycle the Ash-Brock-Misty dynamic. First off, that trio had a reason for being together (Misty followed Ash because he burnt her bike; Brock followed him because he wanted to get away from Pewter City somehow). Second, it didn't necessarily work out too well anyway, considering only Ash really furthered his dreams during their time together.


    And I realize how long this review is, but I guess it can be summed up like this. If this was meant to be a fridge-brilliance-laden fic that was actually deconstructing and lampshading typical journey fic, it would be amazing. However, if it wasn't, there's a lot you can improve upon. The story's going too quickly (to the point where certain things just seem to happen out of convenience), the description was just barely there (e.g., one-liners for attacks and no description for any of the characters), and the characters themselves don't get much characterization or chances to develop (or seem like Sues). You seem to be making things incredibly convenient for your main character, and as a result, every battle seems rather predictable because we know Jason is going to win within a few hits. There's not even much in the way of creativity when it comes to strategies; Jason just relies on moves, rather than on creative things to do with moves. (For example, the most brilliant concept he comes up with is "use Bug Buzz followed by Sonicboom." Battle creativity might be "use Captivate to force our opponent to let their guard down and then follow up with Flash to blind them, Double Team to psych them out, and Swift when they least expect it." You know. Don't just rely on powerful moves, and if you do, don't have that be a strategy that guarantees the trainer a match.)

    In short, it just feels like there wasn't too much thought put into this. You've got to really sit down and take your time. Read a few books to see how they progress and maybe mimic their idea of pacing. Make sure everything makes sense in context. Give your characters things to struggle over.

    I'm not saying this was terrible because if it was, I wouldn't bother getting all the way through this. I can tell you're trying, and I can see that you want to learn. You just have areas to improve in, and your focus right now should probably be on the way your story progresses and your characterization.

    Good luck with future chapters.
     

    Jason Wolf

    The Chronicler
    999
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • dude when i said im busy i'll admit i'm not doing that kind of stuff, but this is just for fun. i only do this for simple entertainment. like i said before first draft. I'm already going back over and fixing stuff. Anon said enough to get me working, but you siad alot which seems to be partially insulting my creative ability.

    so what if theres a character who wants to be a breeder. theres only like four pokemon careers: trainer, breeder, professor, and co-ordinator(i hate co-ordinators)

    so what if i used an act of God. I enjoy having things happen in a way that there is no reason.

    i admit i should add much more description to alot of things, but this was my honest first attempt at this. i only ever made one other fanfic before this and trust me that thing sucked. i also admit you have some good points (thanks for the complement in number 18), but please understand I'm only doing this for fun.

    oh and about your first thing: i just added that on this site so it didn't get fixed since i hadn't updated it. (i also have this on bulbagarden so you can check there if you want a better update.)

    ----------------------------------

    EDIT: ok i guess i'll and be civilized about this. you gave 25 good points. so i will give 25 responses.

    1: when Anon mentioned that i used I to start to many of my sentences i guess i went over board and decided that it was better to add something non important that didn't start with I the to have something important that starts with I.

    2: I do agree that i tried to wrap it up quick. I guess that for me i do so much of it in my head i don't relize that other people don't see it. i'm able to see Jason exactly how he looks in his bedroom then i see him run out jump over his parents pokemon who are baring their teeth and scratching each other up in the kitchen/living room. When Jason is walking down the road i can see everything, but i don't tell you what i see. usually when i write i do it for my self only so those facts aren't necsesary.

    another thing is that i when i start writing what the character is thinking i/the character in question get very scatter brained. very much like the first paragraph. you see an imeadiate change from one subject to the next.

    3. i honestly do have a hard time understanding what you mean here. so please elaborate or explain.

    4. i did just add a minor bit with Professor Yew being worried about someone called Rylis coming (he's gonna be important. that moment is also part of the reason for the title. Yew told the truth to hide a secret. not saying any more on that)

    this was originally supposed to be a very bland walkthrough of a new reigon for pokemon so at first it was just the basic video game plot line. I got the idea for the plot twist from one of my friends at school. I named a Main character after him for his help (see scatter brained). back to the correct topic. i'm not gonna give away the plot twist, but the title is a general hint.

    also with the pokemon. I always saw them that way so I guess that when i first saw them when i was two and playing red i figured thats how they were. charmander was fun and fast. bulbasaur was slow and steady. squirtle was kind of arrogent and wanted his own way.

    5. well in my experience with the games i generally trained my pokemon to hit first and cause an instant KO. so i figured it could work here, but you're definatly right that it doesn't. I hope i can improve on it, but i was wondering if you were interested in the battle with the kid. when Blaze (now Jaklo) used the spearow momentum against him. one thing that i can do semi well is using pokemon moves in a different way. i'll show you an excert from an RP i did.

    6. again i know more than you and forget to say it. I planned on having Jason's father teach him a little when he was young, but i never put it in. i guess when i designed the character after my own idea of the perfect me i well made him perfect. too perfect. I will try and lower him down.

    7. yeah for some reason the grammer was disabled on my word proccesor's spell check.

    8. same as 7 i dont know why it didn't work so i figured it was right

    9. when hephaestus noticed Blaze i was trying to point out that Hephaestus (who i was gonna make much more important, but didn't) doesn't like other pokemon. he was the pick of his liter and Jason's father's favorite pokemon.

    10. i thought for a while that since i wasn't going to use Jason's cousin again it would be superflous to have him speak. I thought that alot of things were uneeded since they'd only happen once like what happened at the party or about his cousin. also i don't get the last part Chekov's guns. was that some kind of refrence?

    11. this i can't really argue. like i said it was originally just a walkthrough kind of thing so they only had to be "another pretty face"

    12. hadn;t intended to post this so that fact seemed important.

    13. ok that was just using the wrong word

    14.yeah i was using the pokemon watch, but i might change it to the one from gen II

    15. I've gotten stuff that had to update the day i got it. my WII for example.

    16. I'm not sure i figured that Ekans would be a scardy cat. also Jason wants alot of pokemon, but specific ones. ekans isn't one of them.

    17. i figured that it was exhausted from trying to get its head out of the tree or that maybe it was injured somehow and thats why it got stuck in the tree. although maybe he might have an issue with one of his eyes (just thought of that).

    18. thanks for the complement. i'm a big fan of Yanma.

    19. remember he looked through the pokedex earlier and he recognized it from then. the pokedex only confirmed it.

    20. i know what you mean, but i'm not sure what to use then. i tend ot work in quick bursts so it seemed normal.

    21. i was just trying to have a bit of fun there, but when you add it all up it does seem really bad.

    22. Issac for some reason has a stratagy where his pokemon use normal moves that look special or they're a combo. crimson lightning is shock wave, but with red electricity so it adds that wow factor hes just trying to be cool.

    23. hadn't even really noticed. i personally think that learning moves by leveling is stupid. i think any pokemon should be able to use any of its moves as long as it knows what they are supposed to do and they are confident enough to try. the strength of the move depends on the strength of the pokemon. Skitter's bug buzz was really weak compared to say a yamega's bug buzz.

    24. i've always been a fan of the act of God kind of thing.

    25. i do relize that having three people on a pokemon journey is semi cleched, but i never intended for any of what you got from it.

    another thing is that i see it as everyone has ot go on a pokemon journey when they're a kid then once they've completed it they do their specific goal in life. its the travel that matters not the battling.

    i'll gladly explain if you don't understand what im saying.
     
    Last edited:

    JX Valentine

    Your aquatic overlord
    3,277
    Posts
    19
    Years
  • dude when i said im busy i'll admit i'm not doing that kind of stuff, but this is just for fun. i only do this for simple entertainment.

    To answer this part in the most tactful way I can think of phrasing it, if I considered writing my job instead of something I do for fun, it'd take precedence over everything else I do. It doesn't, though, so I use word processors to save my stuff for when I can work on it – as in, when I have free time to spend away from the things I have to do. In other words, taking your time and saving your writing in a word processor allows you to have more fun with it because you're not rushing to put your work up. That way, you'll also be able to post the best story you can create because you're also giving yourself time to plan, plot, and proofread.

    like i said before first draft.

    While it's not necessary for the draft you put up to the public to be perfect, you'll also want to realize that people are reading it for their enjoyment. So, you should put up your best work, not something you know isn't ready to be critiqued.

    Anon said enough to get me working, but you siad alot which seems to be partially insulting my creative ability.

    To be clear, none of it was meant to be a personal attack, and I apologize for letting it come off that way. It was blunt, yes, but I'm really not in it to insult anyone. If I was… well, actually, I honestly don't get people who do. It creates more work for a person if they deliberately cause drama. You end up having to argue with a person, and the sarcasm that you need to lay on thick in order to be insulting in the first place takes a lot more effort than just critiquing the story.

    so what if theres a character who wants to be a breeder. theres only like four pokemon careers: trainer, breeder, professor, and co-ordinator(i hate co-ordinators)

    Actually, there's way more than four possible professions. (You can find even more here. It should be noted that two of the main characters in the anime – Tracey and Cilan – have presented two other possibilities, watcher and sommelier. Both of these are also listed on this link.)

    Beyond that, you're right in saying that a breeder could work. You'd just have to make sure she's not a breeder just because Brock was. So, it's more of an issue in characterization.

    so what if i used an act of God. I enjoy having things happen in a way that there is no reason.

    Because if you can't explain why plot points happen, then there's going to be a lot of plot holes (moments in a story that just don't make sense to a reader). The reason why plot holes are bad can best be explained like this: imagine a blanket. A smooth, cotton blanket. Now, imagine a hole in it. One tiny hole is easy to overlook, sure, but try cutting out a lot of holes – bigger holes all over the cloth. Eventually, you're going to be left with a tattered rag that really can't cover you. That's the same thing you get with a plot with a bunch of plot holes in it. The more plot holes you have, the less appealing the plot is going to be to an average reader.

    (i also have this on bulbagarden so you can check there if you want a better update.)

    …I'm really tempted to say something about Bulbagarden, but that hilarious can of worms has nothing to do with your story.

    2: I do agree that i tried to wrap it up quick. I guess that for me i do so much of it in my head i don't relize that other people don't see it.

    That's actually a good thing to realize. Not a lot of authors get that, so it's actually great that you do. If you can keep that in mind at all times, you might find it's easier to push yourself into adding more and more to get what's in your head onto the page. Of course, you might run into a risk of overdescribing things, but honestly? It'd be good if you did hit that end of the spectrum anyway so you have an idea of where a happy medium might be.

    And I'm not sure if that even made sense, but I guess I'm saying keep that in mind and don't be afraid to overdescribe.

    another thing is that i when i start writing what the character is thinking i/the character in question get very scatter brained. very much like the first paragraph. you see an imeadiate change from one subject to the next.

    It might be best to consider telling the story in third person as well. While it's definitely okay to have a scatterbrained character, having a scatterbrained narrator is a lot harder to pull off because it means you'll need to make it clear that the jumps in thought processes are the character's doing, not simply an error. However, it's possible if the rest of the fic is polished.

    3. i honestly do have a hard time understanding what you mean here. so please elaborate or explain.

    You misspelled Bulbasaur and Delcatty. Looking up their names in online Pokédexes (like Serebii's or Bulbapedia) will help you avoid that because no spell check will be able to pick up on the names of Pokémon species.

    4. i did just add a minor bit with Professor Yew being worried about someone called Rylis coming (he's gonna be important. that moment is also part of the reason for the title. Yew told the truth to hide a secret. not saying any more on that)

    I'm not sure how this argues against the fourth point I made, but okay.

    Put it this way. Basically, it would be an interesting fic if you had intended on the first few chapters to sound like this is a cliché journey fic, only for it to turn around and prove that it isn't. However, in order to pull that off, you'll need to work hard on making those first few chapters amazing to keep your audience from hitting the back button. Remember, we don't know anything about the plot twists you have in mind because of what you've realized in point #1, so you'll want to put forth everything you've got to keep your readers from deciding they don't want to keep reading. While readers tend to check out fics in genres they like (journey fic being one such genre), clichés aren't quite as popular. So, a fic that starts out looking like a cliché just won't do that well unless it's otherwise amazing, basically.

    I hope i can improve on it, but i was wondering if you were interested in the battle with the kid. when Blaze (now Jaklo) used the spearow momentum against him.

    I have to admit that battles do take practice to write well, but it's a good thing you acknowledge that where you're at is the first step. I would recommend doing writing exercises where all you do is write battle scenes. Sounds like a silly idea on its own, but if you write just a battle, you'll be able to focus on it by itself. That way, you won't be tempted to rush through the battle in order to get to something else. At the same time, you'll be able to look over what you did and figure out what parts seem like they're lacking (because you don't have a lot surrounding that scene).

    This is actually how I learned how to write battles. I joined a forum-based game where I basically had to describe battles to roleplayers in as much detail as possible to avoid any questions about what happened. (It's called Anime-Style Battling or ASB. Serebii has a league, as does The BBS in my sig. I'd recommend checking either out and considering joining. Otherwise, Fizzy Bubbles is probably the closest thing you can get on BMGf, and PC has no equivalent.) This forced me to refine my skills pretty quickly (because battlers can be pretty harsh), so perhaps it might be a good idea to either read battles in those kinds of games or to participate yourself. That way, you can take a look at how people describe attacks and different Pokémon's reactions to them at the very least. The ones in The BBS encourage miniature stories to happen in battles as well, so you even get a taste of how trainers can interact before, during, and after a match.

    As for your question, I have to say that is something I liked about the battle – the fact that you got that physics can effect how a battle happens. I just wouldn't go so far as to say it'd result in an OHKO. I'd also say definitely focus more on figuring out how each move can be used creatively and then remember to put how you see each move being into words. That way, your battles will begin to move away from one-line descriptions and into a more accurate account of how you picture the battle happening.

    I'm not sure. Is any of this making much sense?

    7. yeah for some reason the grammer was disabled on my word proccesor's spell check.

    Oh, yeah, just keep that part disabled. Spell check as you type's a good thing to have enabled, but not grammar check because in most cases, it's inaccurate anyway. The only way you can get around homophone errors, really, is just by trying to memorize which word means what.

    9. when hephaestus noticed Blaze i was trying to point out that Hephaestus (who i was gonna make much more important, but didn't) doesn't like other pokemon. he was the pick of his liter and Jason's father's favorite pokemon.

    I'd be careful about details like these. Unless it was particularly important to know (as in, unless the fact that Hephaestus doesn't like other Pokémon was going to come up again later on down the line) or unless you were planning on expanding that scene to help characterize Jason and/or his Charmander, it's okay to leave that part out. It goes back to what I said about details, really. You'll want to keep in whatever is necessary to understand the story, but if something is only going to be brought up once, you'll want to make sure it makes sense in context or leave it out entirely to avoid flooding the reader with stuff they don't really need to know.

    10. i thought for a while that since i wasn't going to use Jason's cousin again it would be superflous to have him speak. I thought that alot of things were uneeded since they'd only happen once like what happened at the party or about his cousin. also i don't get the last part Chekov's guns. was that some kind of refrence?

    A Chekhov's gun is a literary device (bit of literature). Basically, it's a detail in a story that seems unimportant when it's mentioned but comes back and becomes an important part of the story later. It comes from a quote from a playwright (named Chekhov, naturally) that says, "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

    So, yeah. Basically, the radio stations Jason's cousin mentioned may or may not be Chekhov's guns. If you intend on having them be some, it'd be more powerful if you included the cousin's explanation about the radio stations. That way, you can drop hints early on that these are things the reader should pay attention to. Otherwise, you'll want to leave out the cousin and the radio stations entirely because they just won't be important to know.

    Or in short, avoid summarizing. You'll either want to show the reader what's going on or leave it out altogether. Summarizing is an awkward middle ground.

    11. this i can't really argue. like i said it was originally just a walkthrough kind of thing so they only had to be "another pretty face"

    Which is a shame because it would've been awesome to see childhood friend rivals a bit like BW. But what you do with them is up to you, really.

    15. I've gotten stuff that had to update the day i got it. my WII for example.

    Keep in mind that your Wii and other devices like it (laptop, for another example) are usually not in operation before you get them, so they'll have a whole list of patches they need to download thanks to the fact that they weren't on when the patches were released. (In other words, your Wii might have been fresh out of the box, but it might have been sitting on a shelf for some time. So, it has to download patches in order to be up-to-date because patches were released during the time it wasn't being used.) Alternatively, in some cases (like the antivirus software for my laptop), old software was installed, so updates need to be downloaded frequently as well because the software I'd installed isn't the latest version.

    However, the Pokédex handed out by a regional professor tends to be state-of-the-art and up-to-date. It's usually in working order before it's handed to a trainer (note that you don't have to turn a 'dex on in order to use it), and in the anime's canon, a trainer will always have their 'dex updated before setting out on another journey. (Ash always has this done by handing his 'dex to a professor to get a new one. He also had his updated by Professor Oak at the end of his run through the Kanto League.) After all, considering the Pokédex is meant to be a valuable aid to trainers, it'd be a little awkward if a professor sent a newbie out with a 'dex that can't identify every creature that decides to attack them. (To be a bit clearer, think of what would happen if Jason ran into a Pokémon the 'dex couldn't identify at all, only to have it attack him with attacks he didn't even know it could have.)

    16. I'm not sure i figured that Ekans would be a scardy cat. also Jason wants alot of pokemon, but specific ones. ekans isn't one of them.

    Fair enough on the second part. On the part about Ekans being a scardy-cat, though, that's definitely something you'll want to try to add to the story (maybe by having Ekans run away crying or something else that shows the reader that it simply got scared away). It'll give you good practice in getting your characters to show some emotion.

    17. i figured that it was exhausted from trying to get its head out of the tree or that maybe it was injured somehow and thats why it got stuck in the tree. although maybe he might have an issue with one of his eyes (just thought of that).

    Probably more than its eyes if it smacked into the tree hard enough to get stuck, and on top of that, it was likely struggling pretty hard to get that exhausted. It's likely that it's probably at least got a head injury (if its eye is also messed up). Possibly a neck injury too, depending on how it was struggling.

    Of course, it probably also had an issue beforehand if it smacked into the tree in the first place. Like I said, Yanma live around trees on a normal basis in canon. Having one smack into a tree is a lot like having birds do it in real life. This might be an opportunity to add something else to it – either personality quirks or actual physical flaws.

    19. remember he looked through the pokedex earlier and he recognized it from then. the pokedex only confirmed it.

    He remembered one Pokémon's picture out of 649 (assuming he looked through each entry in the 'dex to determine which Pokémon he wanted to catch)?

    20. i know what you mean, but i'm not sure what to use then. i tend ot work in quick bursts so it seemed normal.

    Trying the "save your work to a word processor" idea might actually help you in this regard too. You can work quickly through a chapter, save it, and then come back to it later. Right now, it seems like you have a skeleton in terms of a fic, but it'll need some fleshing out. Coming back to that same chapter later after you've had some time to think about it will let you go back through and insert whatever you need in order to make the scene make sense.

    In this case, the very minimum you'll need to have that battle make sense in context is a way for Jason to meet this trainer and work up to a battle. So, you could add a piece of a scene where Jason wanders along and then encounters another trainer trying to do some training. Or you could have him get to a town and challenge the first person with a Pokémon he sees (which could add a bit to his personality, depending on how he approaches this other trainer). Or you can have the reverse happen, where he's going along somewhere and a trainer notices his Charmander. Or insert your own possibility here. However, it's possible to bridge that gap between this scene and the rest around it; it'll just take figuring out what the missing parts should be and inserting them where appropriate.

    22. Issac for some reason has a stratagy where his pokemon use normal moves that look special or they're a combo. crimson lightning is shock wave, but with red electricity so it adds that wow factor hes just trying to be cool.

    In that case, it would be a good idea to explain this in the fic. (Maybe have Jason react to the fact that it's a weird-colored Shock Wave as well.) I'm not saying this to state the obvious, either. I'm saying this because if you did, Isaac would probably be a pretty awesome character. The fact that he'd spend that much time trying to get his Pokémon to make their attacks look cool is pretty hilarious. (Also, it can be even better depending on whether or not you want to have Jason win against him. It's completely up to you, but I'm just imagining someone who tries to make his Pokémon look cool getting floored. All of a sudden, that battle makes even more sense.)

    23. hadn't even really noticed. i personally think that learning moves by leveling is stupid. i think any pokemon should be able to use any of its moves as long as it knows what they are supposed to do and they are confident enough to try.

    I actually agree with this statement – or at least insofar as to say it takes a lot of clever thinking to figure out how levels would work in fanfiction. (It's possible, and I've read fics that explained why Pokémon couldn't use certain moves at any given time. But for the most part, it's like trying to explain the limit to the number of moves a Pokémon can know at once. It's more logical in the games than it is in writing.)

    another thing is that i see it as everyone has ot go on a pokemon journey when they're a kid then once they've completed it they do their specific goal in life. its the travel that matters not the battling.

    This is part of it, but what I mean by the battles being one of the highlights of the fic is that Pokémon training centers around battling. It just does. Gym battles. Battles against other trainers. Battles against the villain. Battles against wild Pokémon. You name it. There's going to be battles. It's kinda in the job description for a trainer. So, it will most likely be a large chunk of the action you'll be seeing in this fic if you intend on focusing your attention on a trainer going on a badge quest. I mean, look at how many battles you've already had. You had the one against Professor Yew, the one against Ekans, one against a random trainer, another one against Isaac… and this is only up to the third chapter. Battles are going to be everywhere, so you'll want to work at refining your skills with them to make them exciting because you can't just skip over them. Otherwise, you're skipping over a large part of a trainer's work. (It'd be a lot like writing about a baseball player who's never seen playing baseball, for example.)

    Moreover, battles are one way of showing off a character's growth. Every character who sets off on a journey has to grow in skill, maturity, and intelligence because a journey represents a character's path to becoming an even better person than who they were at the start. While there's lots of ways you can show this evolution, for a trainer, a lot of their skill and intelligence lies in how they handle situations on the battlefield (due to the entire paragraph above about how battles are a little unavoidable for a trainer on a badge quest). A trainer who just started out shouldn't handle things as well as a master trainer because they don't know that much/any better. As time goes on and as they experience more and more of the world, they'll slowly handle what they do as part of their job better and better.

    In other words, it's not so much the travel either as it is the character growing up. Battling is just a metaphor for it, at the risk of being overly complicated.
     
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