[Pokémon] Pokemon: The Sonium Region

Hello everyone, I'm back again, with a fresh idea for a story. Since my idea for a Pokemon Game didn't even get allowed on the Drawing Board thread, I thought I'd interpret it as a story.

I'm also a big fan of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, so I made this story in the pages of a diary type thing, but flashbacks without the main character may appear.

Chapter 1

---
April 2nd:
I awoke today, earlier than usual. It was time for me to get my first Pokemon! My mum was an old colleague of the professor of our town, so I hope that gives me a little hope in landing an awesome Pokemon. I've been making mum call the professor lately, just for friendly chats, so when the professor notices I'm her son she'll give me any Pokemon of my choice. Well, that was what I hoped, until I actually heard what they were talking about. I was listening in on their conversation, just to know if mum is helping my goal, but I hadn't suspected her to talk about me. The professor was talking about how so many children were receiving their Pokemon and not knowing how to take care of them.

"This one child, dear me, she tried to feed her mothers Stuntank, but she couldn't decipher which end was it's mouth. She was sprayed with a terrible gas, poor little thing."
"Oh my! Something like that happened to my little Mardicus. He was a little boy, and he mistook a Voltorb for a Pokeball. His hair was so electrified when he came home, I thought he went to a rock concert. Now he just pretends to have allergies whenever a Pokemon comes near."

Oh well, maybe the Professor will be sympathetic? At least now I know something more embarrassing that someone else done. I don't think a Volto-shock is as bad as trying to feed a Pokemon through it's 'out' hole. And damn, I thought no-one knew about my false allergen.

Despite listening to the revealing phone conversation, I walked to the Professor's lab and entered as usual. The Professor was a female, and rather charitable. She would always help children with their Pokemon problems and give them Pokemon to begin their journey as trainers. People say it's because she believes children need to be given Pokemon that will help them mature, but I just think she has too much.

Upon entering she greeted me with a smile.

"Welcome, my name is Professor Fructus. You're Suzy's son, aren't you?"

I nodded, glad she made the connection. My hopes for striking gold should be pretty high now.

"Wonderful, she's a good friend of mine."

Yes! Maybe I'll even get two Pokemon!

"She's told me an awful lot about you." She said this gleefully, rummaging through her various piles of Pokeballs. Judging by her happy tone, I don't think mum revealed any more of my embarrassing situations. Thank God.

Professor Fructus emerged from the mountainous pile to return with a grey Pokeball.

"This, is a Soil Ball."

She pressed the button in the center and an unfamiliar Pokemon emerged.

"This Pokemon is an incredibly new species, and is possibly the key to a breakthrough in Pokemon research."

I stared blankly. She's lost her nut.

"That's a pineapple. It reminds me of my pajamas."

Oops. I told her the last piece of information accidentally. She muffled a giggle and replied.

"That's what is seems like," she twisted the pineapple, and I was shocked to see it had a face. "It is actually a Pokemon. This came to my possession not long ago, and i realized it isn't recorded in the Pokedex. I'm uncertain how this Pokemon came to be, and I need someone to see how it differs in the normal life of a Pokemon."

"So...." I could have guessed what that, but let her tell me anyway.

"So, I need someone to substitute this as their partner Pokemon, from the beginning of their journey to the end."

"Ummm... Okay, is that me?"

"If you wouldn't mind."

"Sure." Judging by her tone, even if I said no I would have gotten that fruit. So I guess saying yes would make her happy.

She gave me some Pokeballs and Potions, so I guess maybe the phone calls with mum did add to her generosity. She also gave me her phone number, which scared me a little. Until I realized it was to check up on the Pineapple, whose species name turned out to be Komana. I've nicknamed it Piney. Professor Fructus says that to ensure Piney grows with the proper upbringing, I should train it and challenge gyms.

I've always wanted an excuse to become a Pokemon trainer, and I've always loved Pineapples. Lets just pray I don't eat it.

Well, it's good to see you writing again!

This was an enjoyable read. I do wish that writers would use the diary mode of first-person narration more often, so to find this was a treat. Since this is a diary, I'm going to lean less towards finding grammar errors and more on how to write the narration better.

With first-person narration, you can get right into the character's head. See what they see, hear what they hear, think what they think, and feel what they feel. You can make definite good use of this with the diary format, because (depending on when the character is writing this), you can fill in whatever details about the events that the character could mention. Like how the character felt at a certain time, and then their thoughts as they remembered the event.

Currently, though, this reads more like regular first-person narration. If that is your main choice of style for this story, then you're on the right track. Just remember what I said about first-person narration. Which is why you should be careful with the phone call part of this chapter, where the main character heard what Fructus said. He wouldn't be able to unless it was speaker phone, but he would hear his mother's side of the conversation.

It's mostly the narration style that could use some practice here. I can help more, but I'm just confused as to if you meant to write this as an actual diary or regular first-person narration.

Still, Piney (if that's him in your signature) is freaking adorable and I love him already. I also love the humor of your character (and the writing in general, like poor Stuntank girl!), especially where he mentions his pajamas. And how is that non-existent allergy going to affect his journey?

This was a cute, fun read, and I'm looking forward to more. Good to see you writing again!

Astinus said:

Well, it's good to see you writing again!

This was an enjoyable read. I do wish that writers would use the diary mode of first-person narration more often, so to find this was a treat. Since this is a diary, I'm going to lean less towards finding grammar errors and more on how to write the narration better.

Click to expand...

aha, thank you very much.

With first-person narration, you can get right into the character's head. See what they see, hear what they hear, think what they think, and feel what they feel. You can make definite good use of this with the diary format, because (depending on when the character is writing this), you can fill in whatever details about the events that the character could mention. Like how the character felt at a certain time, and then their thoughts as they remembered the event.

Click to expand...

Yes, I plan to abuse the certain advantages that a diary-story presents.
If I remember, that is.

Currently, though, this reads more like regular first-person narration. If that is your main choice of style for this story, then you're on the right track. Just remember what I said about first-person narration. Which is why you should be careful with the phone call part of this chapter, where the main character heard what Fructus said. He wouldn't be able to unless it was speaker phone, but he would hear his mother's side of the conversation.

Click to expand...

I'm not sure where I want this story to lead.
I forgot to mention that the main character was on the other phone ("listening in"), oopsie.

It's mostly the narration style that could use some practice here. I can help more, but I'm just confused as to if you meant to write this as an actual diary or regular first-person narration.

Click to expand...

I was going to write this as a diary, but am now pondering on the idea of a first-person one. But I think diary is where I want this to go.

Still, Piney (if that's him in your signature) is freaking adorable and I love him already. I also love the humor of your character (and the writing in general, like poor Stuntank girl!), especially where he mentions his pajamas. And how is that non-existent allergy going to affect his journey?

Click to expand...

Hehe, thank you, yes that's Piney. I am trying to make this a comedy.
This non-existent allergy doesn't really affect the story, just a reason why he got Piney. The Professor thought he was allergic, so gave him a fruit-mon (it was implied).

This was a cute, fun read, and I'm looking forward to more. Good to see you writing again!

Click to expand...

thank you very much :) .

just reading through my story, I can spot several mistakes. Even though I double-checked it. Oopsie again.

Also, I might not be writing very often, every week or so, as I have a pile up of homework.

But thanks for the critique, i need some sort of feedback to keep writing, hard to explain.

thanks again :D

April 3rd:
Well, today I begin my journey with Piney. I thought it would all be sugar-coated paradise owning a pineapple. I was kinda wrong. For starters, Piney really dislikes his pokeball. If he retreats into it he just keeps swinging on my belt. He actually managed to undo my buckle in front of a group of cool trainers to reveal my pokeball fashioned underwear.

Also, I have to hold Piney, as he has no legs. I placed him on the ground after we left Fructus's lab, expecting him to follow but instead he just whimpered and tried to wobble after me. It was sad in a funny kind of way. So now I have to go on my journey cradling a piece of fruit. Did I mention that Piney is one of the only fruits I know that has spikes? I have to wrap my hand in bandages just to carry him around.

I began my journey and tested what moves Piney had. We were passing through Route 1 and a wild Rattata appeared, so I thought it was the perfect time to see Piney's skills. Unfortunately, I think I expected too much of him.

"Alright Piney, use ROAR OF TIME!"

Piney just responded bemused with a Pin Missile and defeated the Rattata. Even though he's a Pokemon (or fruit. Both. Yes, he's both.) I still get the feeling he thinks I was dropped when I was a baby. We stayed in Route 1, which was surprising void of trainers, using Piney's pins to gain experience and level up. That was until Piney, instead of using Pin Missile, did what can only be explained as a spasm-like attack. He had me puzzled for a while, until I realized that fruits can't have seizures. I managed to arrive at the conclusion that Piney was using struggle, and I hurried into the first city to find a Pokemon Centre.

I arrived swiftly and entered the first red-roofed building I saw. I then realized I was in the wrong house and preceded to make a quick exit when I smelt gunpowder and heard the sound of a barrel gun being loaded. I'll make a note to never go in a strangers house again. I finally found the actual Centre and asked for my Piney to be healed. The nurse who served me thought I escaped from a mental institute, regurgitating the words I first said when I saw Piney.

"But that's a Pineapple...?"

The nurse was rather sarcastic, but healed Piney anyway.

"That'll be eight dollars, please?"

"What?"

"Just kidding!"

With an annoying giggle she handed back Piney and I left. I noticed a small cafe in the city, and decided to rest my hands from holding my spiky fruit. I placed Piney on a table and ordered a coffee. The waitress seemed to have the same sarcastic personality of the nurse.

"Sir. Sir, please don't bring outside food into the cafe, please."

"It. is. not. food. It. is. my. POKEMON!"

The waitress apologized (muttering under her breath) and promptly brought me my order. It was incredibly hot. I pray she didn't spit in it. I didn't rest for long, and Piney was becoming really impatient and swiveling on the table, resulting in me knocking some of my steaming hot beverage into my lap. Ouch. Crap, that was painfully hot. Piney found it funny and he giggled mischievously. I grabbed him by his leafy hair and left the cafe angrily. The waitress saw me leave and commented to a some bewilder elderly customers.

"That man, cruelty to Pokemon is very wrong."

"It is, my dear, but I don't recall a law about fruit. Or where I put my teeth."

I exited the cafe and received a text message from mum. She was trying to writing in text-talk, but I don't think she understood.

Hi sun
P Fructy s4id u shud btle the GL.
LOL, mum.

While trying to decode mum's language I realized she was telling me to try and see how I fare in a battle against the town's Gym Leader. And that she was trying to say 'Lots of love'. Lets hope refrains from texting me ever again (but then I can't say mum on the phone is any better).

I stood in front of the Gym with baited breath. The building itself didn't look special, but I was still scared. I could feel Piney shivering with goosebumps in my arms. I inhaled deeply and pushed through the doors.

Mum's text message actually made me LOL.

Another great chapter. It was fun to watch the main character try and get through life with a pineapple for a Pokemon. Especially enjoyed the scene at the restaurant, with that old man who can't quite recall where his teeth are.

Just a few small grammar errors I can point out:

Unfortunately, I think I expected to much of him.

Click to expand...

That "to" should be "too".

Piney found it funny and he giggle mischievously.

Click to expand...

"giggled"

And may I just say that the image of a giggling pineapple is hilarious.

Looking forward to how a pineapple (who unfortunately doesn't know Roar of Time) is going to do in a gym battle. Take your time writing, by the way. Your chapters are fun to wait for.

Astinus said:

Mum's text message actually made me LOL.

Another great chapter. It was fun to watch the main character try and get through life with a pineapple for a Pokemon. Especially enjoyed the scene at the restaurant, with that old man who can't quite recall where his teeth are.

Click to expand...

Thank you. I thought I might have rushed this chapter a tiny bit, and that i might have substituted quality for humor. I tried to make it seem the humor wasn't to farfetched (except the the guy I implied who had a gun), so thank you very much.

Just a few small grammar errors I can point out:

That "to" should be "too".

"giggled"

And may I just say that the image of a giggling pineapple is hilarious.

Looking forward to how a pineapple (who unfortunately doesn't know Roar of Time) is going to do in a gym battle. Take your time writing, by the way. Your chapters are fun to wait for.

Click to expand...

Well, to be honest, I thought I would have had a lot more errors.

Yeah, I won't spoil any surprises for the Gym Battle. But I will express it in great detail, so people understand it more.

Thank you very very much for the feedback :) .

April 3rd continued:
I wasn't expected what I saw. I was greeted with the girl-like scent of strawberry lip gloss. The gym was lined with life-size plush toys of unicorns, horses and teddy bears. The battle ground was outlined in pink and had heart-shaped splotches on the ground.
The smell was almost nauseating, but a small girl didn't appear to notice. Luckily Piney didn't have nostrils, or else I'm pretty sure he would've collapsed. She was talking with a man who was holding a badge. He must be the Gym Leader, despite the girlish decor: who else could it be? I walked over to the pair.

"Umm... Mr. Gym Leader?"

The man looked at me curiously, then left the Gym. I watched him leave, bewildered. So much for a Gym Battle.

"Hey! Mister! Who're you calling mister!"

The little girl shouted in a high-pitched voice. I put two and two together, despite every single brain cell seemed to think it illogical.

"You're kidding, right? I have to battle a little girl?"

"I have to battle the weirdo with a pineapple, so I think I got the short end of the stick here, bub."

I didn't intend to sound mean, but I guess so got a little defensive. And Piney seemed to feel a little hurt by the insult as well. Oh well, easy Gym Badge for us. We positioned ourselves on opposite sides of the battle ground and the little girl recited the rules in a boring tone.

"Okay. I'm Gym Leader Aria and here's the rules. Battle until only one side has conscious Pokemon. That side is the winner, if it's you, you get the Plush Badge and if you lose I get the satisfaction of beating someone older than me."

I didn't expect what happened next.

"Let's Battle! Go Teddiursa!"

"Fighting Fruit Piney, Go!"

Aria twirled around and released her Pokeball. Her Teddiursa popped out in a hail of confetti, licking its palm. It didn't look very ferocious, to be honest, but it did have a nice entrance. Since Piney was in my hands, I just through him onto the field shouting his title. Fighting Fruit. Ingenious, isn't it?

"STOP!"

Aria halted the match, for a increasingly annoying question.

"Are you new to this? You need to use an actual Pokemon to battle. No fruit."

This question. I can't even. No. I just ignored her and landed an attack.

"Pin Missile, Piney!"

Piney's body began to glow white, and a bunch of needles shot at Aria's Teddiursa. She gasped at the direct hit, and the fact her Pokemon was being assaulted by a fruit.

"Grrr! Teddiursa, Fury Swipes!"

Teddiursa practically flew towards Piney, bearing its' claws. It repeatedly swiped at Piney, making him wobble in pain. The momentum of Piney was becoming dangerous, so I struck a plan.

"Body Slam, Piney!"

Piney used the momentum of Teddiursa's Fury Swipes to launch itself into the air. Teddiursa squealed, which was then repeated by Aria when Piney's spikes dug into Teddiursa's fur.

"Retreat, Teddi!"

Teddiursa jumped back once Piney began to wobble again. Piney was getting dizzy and exhausted, still wobbling. Teddiursa couldn't aim properly with Piney's dizzy spinning. It just sat there licking it paws while Piney suppressed a hiccup. It was a funny sight, and I let my guard down.

"Teddiursa, now's the time! Finish with Faint Attack!"

Piney was beginning to slow his wobbling, and Teddiursa suddenly gasped and pointed upwards. Me and Piney were distracted and looked upwards. Teddiursa bore it's claws and got a direct hit on Piney. With all the dizziness and damage, Piney collapsed on the floor. I couldn't believe it. I drowned out Aria's cheers and ran to Piney. I lost. We lost. To a twelve year old blond girl who still has plush toys.

nice fanfic here, quite amusing with the "Pinapple"

I found it strange how Teddiursa used Faint attack, however.

Dark Pulse94 said:

nice fanfic here, quite amusing with the "Pinapple"

I found it strange how Teddiursa used Faint attack, however.

Click to expand...

Thank you :)

and Teddiursa learns Faint Attack at lvl 15 in Gen 5, so not really strange.

just for information purposes;

Teddiursa lvl 15 [Female]
Faint Attack
Lick
Fury Swipes
Attract

is it's full moveset.

no, I meant the method in which you had him use it, by distracting "piney" to looking at the ceiling...

Oh, I checked the anime and the way to use a faint attack is to distract the opponent then strike...

wow, ok then (didn't expect it like that)

So behind on reading...

Let's get the typos out of the way.

I wasn't expected what I saw.

Click to expand...

"expecting"

I just through him onto the field shouting his title.

Click to expand...

"threw"

It just sat there licking it paws

Click to expand...

"its"

Have to say that I'm still enjoying how the world reacts to Piney. Now that the main character has faced a big loss, wonder how he'll train Piney for victory.

Thanks, I'm having a small mental block. So I'll have the new chapter soon.