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[Pokémon] Brifo

2,096
Posts
15
Years
The story of Eric Brifo, a young run away and his travels through the sinnoh region.

Rating: 15+ (this may be lowered, i just want to give myself room to work)

Oh, and just a quick note. This is my first ever FanFic so CC is asked for but please don't be to harsh. Thanks.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:


Questions will be answered in the next instalment ;D
 
10,175
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen today
Hi there! Hope you don't mind me reviewing your story.

First off, let's start with the basics: grammar. I could tell right away from the first sentence of this that you'll need some advice with that.

"OK, I've only got one shot at this" Eric whispered to himself as he lined himself up against the door.
You're missing a comma after "this" to finish punctuating the dialogue.

Dialogue punctuation rules are tricky. Try reading through this link here from About.com to get a run-down. If you're still questioning how to do that, feel free to ask me and I'll help you go over them.

There's a lot of missing punctuation in your chapter, especially involving quotation marks. You have them in some places, but don't in others, like in your first sentence. I'll point out a few choice others.

Feeling a wave of pre-guilt he rose from his seat and said "That only leaves one option."
You'll need a comma after "said".

"But first off, i need to have a P double E" The boy said, giggling at his choice of words.
"You stay here and watch my bike, K" He commanded as he walked in the opposite direction, not even looking back.
Here, there's going to be some more explanation.

Commas are needed after "E" and "K".

Because of those commas, the sentences inside the quotation marks and outside get combined. What happens then? They get started with "the boy" and "he commanded", with those two beginning words written with lower-case letters.

Since the two lines of dialogue are spoken by the same person, they can go in the same paragraph.

How should this look now?

"But first off, i need to have a P double E," the boy said, giggling at his choice of words. "You stay here and watch my bike, K," he commanded as he walked in the opposite direction, not even looking back.
Just like that.

Another reason why I picked those lines for an example is because of the lower-cased "I" being used as a pronoun. Whenever the first-person singular pronoun "I" is written, it's always written as a capital letter.

A piece of advice I'll give is to find yourself a beta reader. What a beta does is look over your story before you post it to help find and correct mistakes. They'll work with you one-on-one, which is a plus. You can also ask them questions about other writing mechanics, to help you out with whatever. (Though betas tend to specialize in something or the other.)

Once grammar is cleaned up, it's time to look at what else you can add to your story. I do agree with Noob that you could add some more narration and description. Narration is what the characters are doing, how they're doing it, how the story moves along. Description can be description of the surroundings and characters, and also of how the characters feel. Adding in both will make your story less confusing and your characters more real.

How does Eric feel being out on his own? How does he feel about the fact he has to steal another's Pokemon? What does he think about all this? You have a start here with the thoughts. But don't forget that your characters also feel. Like when Eric's thinking of why the other kid is so lucky, show that Eric's also jealous and upset. Does his stomach twist up? Does he clench his fists? Does he growl through his teeth? Add some extra depth to your character by showing his feelings.

Right now, you have the basis for a solid start. Cleaning up the mechanics will make it plainly easier to read. Adding more to the narration and to your characters will make it even better.

Hope this helps.
 
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