[Pokémon] Prufessa Motha****a Oek meets Professor Oak and buys some Milk (R-ish?)

Hello, I'm new here. Well, I'm not new to foruming, that is.

I've come here today to release one of my newer fanfics, which is a crackfic. (ie; purely meant for psychadelic humor) I hope it's a good one.

As such, prepare yourself. This is gonna be funny:

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Note: Shawty is pronounced SHARH-TEAH

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Janurary 11, 2011. Pallet Town.

Professor Oak sat down to drink some coffee as he watched television.
"Hmm…" He queried as he stared at the screen, "They haven't been making many good shows lately, eh?" The old man was watching Sazanami Shore, a terrible show on MTV about idiotic teenagers and their equally unintelligent and destructive Pokemon; who were terrorizing Undella Town. On today's episode they were in the Giant Chasm, having been chased out of Lacunosa by an angry mob after one of them got a girl pregnant.

Inside the screen, the idiotic fellows were having some strange conversation as they stood before a strange looking creature that they had found within the cave:
"Hey Snooki!" Pauly-J warned his friend, "Don't be touching that big grey thing -"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an odd man broke through the window of Oak's lab and destroyed the television the old man was looking at.
"WHAT THE?!" The startled professor screamed, in a mixture of terror and extreme pain (he had spilled coffee all over his face). The odd man who had broken in looked almost exactly like Professor Oak, of course, he had some differences in his wardrobe. Instead of a lab coat, the weird intruder wore a tight-fitting black-and-yellow striped spandex suit, with a red codpiece, large, star-shaped spectacles, and a couple dozen expensive-looking rings on his fingers, which held a microphone that he had put up near his mouth.

The old man got up and looked at this strange person and gasped in shock. 'I'm going insane.' He thought, looking at his awkwardly-dressed carbon copy, who had now assumed a campy pose (and was making his codpiece'd crotch vibrate, much to the Professor's terror). 'This isn't real. This isn't real.'

An unforeseen event then happened. The lookalike intruder opened his mouth. "YOU AIN'T DREAMIN', FOO'!!!!! SHAWTY!!!" The voice of the intruder was wretched, making the sound of metal scraping together seem pleasant; for it was autotuned. One could literally hear a computerized beat whenever he talked. "DIDN'T THINK I COULD READ MINDS," It bellowed techno-style as it performed an ultra-powered pelvic thrust/crotch jiggle technique, which sickened Oak to his stomach, "DID YA NOW?!!!!?!?!?!? SHAWTY!!!!"

"Ack!" Professor Oak replied, "Why does your voice sound like that horrid music I hear on the radio all the time? And, where the hell are you from?!"
The strange man put his finger up and wagged it slightly as he did what seemed to be giving him an angrily disappointed look. "I AM FROM THE FUTURE!!", It roared as he went for another crotch jiggle, then switched to a new campy pose, pelvic thrusting once more during his speech, "SHAWTY!!!! THAT'S WHY!!! SHAWTY!!! AND I'M YOU!!! SHAWTY!!!! FROM THE FUTURE!!!! SHAWTY!!!!"

"You're me, from the future?" Oak said, looking quite terrified, as he started fretting, and began talking to himself, "Well, uh.." The old man mumbled as thoughts of suicide began blazing through his mind as a means to put an end to this creature's, or, conversely, his misery, " So, what's your name?"


"I'M PRUFESSA MOTHA****A OEK, BEEYOTCH!!! SHAWTY!!!!!!!!!!" The intruder said, almost a little tormented in its tone of voice, "AND I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE!!!! SHAWTY!!!!," Then, as usual, he did a pelvic thrust, changed his pose, jiggle his crotch, rinse, lather, repeat, "TO GET SOME MIELK!!!!! SHAWTY!!!!!!"

The Professor raised an eye at the Prufessa, and decided to actually try and converse with the strange being, instead of interrogate it, "So, you want to get some milk? I'll get the money…" He said, walking off and to where he had put his wallet, upstairs. He felt some pity for the creature now.

"THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME!!! SHAWTY!!! IT WAS MY MISSION FROM THE FUTURE!!! SHAWTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Prufessa wretched, spasming violently from some sensory overload as Gary walked in the lab.

Now, you see, Professor Oak was upstairs, grabbing some money so he could buy some milk and make sure Prufessa Motha****a Oek was out of his life forever. Gary 'Mother****er' Oak (his grandfather did not like the middle name he had given himself, especially considering that Gary's mother was dead), however, was seeing the strange time-traveler having a seizure. As such, Oak quickly heard ambulance sirens outside.

"What happened?!" He said as he rushed downstairs to find the room empty. "Oh boy," The old man said to himself, "What do I do now?"

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Later that night. Viridian Memorial Hospital.

" I have Alzheimer's. Yes, very severe Alzheimer's." Professor Oak mumbled to a nurse at the reception counter, faking the sound of a frail old man.

"Right this way sir. We wouldn't want you getting hurt!" The pink-haired woman said, grabbing Oak's hand and leading through the hospital to a sterile room, with white granite flooring.

She guided him to the bed, and announced to someone waiting outside:

"DR.MEDIC! DR.MEDIC!" She yelled, getting the attention of a muscular, middle-aged German man, who spoke with a profound German accent, and wore a red surgeon's uniform.

"Ah, yes? Is ze patient in here?!" He said calmly, as if calling to someone, with a pinch of murderous schizophrenia in his voice. "Strap him down, and get out the…. Tools….." Medic began to laugh as he pulled out a large chainsaw and revved it. "Don't fret, eldenheimschen! We will be doing a very basic procedure today for you! CHAINSAW-ASSISTED LOBOTOMY!!"

Of course, Oak had not been strapped to the bed where the Medic would chop him apart; so he instead pulled a small ball from his lab coat, which contained a Dragonite. The beast looked around, and instinctively decided to attack with Outrage, destroying the room, and sending Oak flying into another one.

Much to the old man's luck, he had tackled the operating table that had Oek strapped to it, and flew out of the hospital window with his strange friend in his arms, and into a Pokemart's window, which he smashed upon impact. Oek hit a carton of milk with his head, and his fell into his mouth.
Upon ingestion, Oek started glowing, as if a Pokemon was evolving.

Professor Oak, who was fatally injured, looked up weakly to see the glorious sight of Mr. T appearing before his eyes. It would be the last thing he saw, though, for creating Mr. T meant that a shitstorm of pity was coming your way, with enough energy to destroy the world, and with a powerful blast of energy, the world was destroyed.



Today's Moral is: Always drink milk, foo'!

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Thanks for reading! Review pl0x!

I'd like to point out, first off, that stage directions tend to be more disruptive to the text than just actually writing "he jiggled his crotch again." This is because it's like a slap to the face for a reader. It disrupts the flow because we're looking at fragments, and it causes your fic to feel like it's got a choppy, jerky quality to its narration, if that even makes sense.

Besides that, whenever you hit the enter key, remember to hit it twice. This gives your work a cleaner look and helps the reader keep track of what line they're on. You can read more about why proper paragraphing is a good thing over yonder.

Moreover, I know this is a crack fic, but it's really not necessary to have more than one exclamation point in a sentence, much less eighty-one. (Yes, I counted.) In general, you've really got to take proofreading and things of that nature seriously, even for crack. The reason why is because you want the reader to focus on your story.

One of my favorite analogies goes like this. Imagine that your story is a road through the country. The plot, characters, humor, whatever are the pretty surroundings all along the road, and your grammar and word choice are the pavement. Every mistake you make is like a pothole in that pavement. Having only a few is okay because the reader can pretty much ignore them and look at the surroundings anyway. Having a lot, meanwhile, leads to a bumpy ride. The more potholes you have, the more a person in a car feels it, and in the same way, if you overload your story with a lot of errors, your reader will tend to see the errors instead of the story (unless they're your friends or the kinds of reviewers who barely actually read the story and just leave one-liner reviews). It makes your writing seem more amateurish, which means it's harder to enjoy because we automatically get the impression that it's just not as great as it can be.

As for the story?

To be honest, I haven't been into crack fic in a long time. The reason why is because a lot of the time, when a writer sets out to cook up some crack, it usually ends up sounding forced, all over the place, or just plain not that funny. In this case, I'd hate to be extremely blunt, but the reason why I got fixated on the mistakes was because there's just not much crack here.

Lemme recap.

1. You have Professor Oak watching a Pokémon world version of Jersey Shore. Now, a Pokémon world version of Jersey Shore could in itself be hilarious (because, really, Jersey Shore is inherently and unintentionally funny), but it stops before any collateral damage can be shown. We're just told that they were chased out of a town for getting a girl pregnant, and the joke cuts off before you can score a joke involving an over-the-top Snooki awakening Kyurem and dooming everyone within a fifty-mile radius. In other words, it just feels like you could definitely add something more here.

2. A ridiculous, over-the-top character comes crashing into Oak's laboratory and asks for milk. Oak complies and goes to get money. See, here's where another joke is missed. While Oek is definitely some form of crack personified, he's not really given a chance to act like crack besides standing around and experiencing a seizure. There's still no collateral damage, Oak isn't given a real reason to feel particularly disturbed (besides the fact that Oek is there at all), and before anything in particular happens, Gary walks in and calls for an ambulance. In other words, there's no real character interaction here, and Oek really isn't given the chance to be a psychotic character. Including both could make this entire fic a piece of gold, you know?

3. The hospital scene. First off, the conversation leading up to the introduction of Dr. Medic is a little bit on the unintentionally confusing side. It's implying that Oak (not Oek) is just hallucinating all of this (because he admits to having a pretty serious brain disorder), and even then, Oek is sort of shafted for the time being until Dr. Medic shows up. One would think that Oek, given his WTF-inducing personality and the fact that this entire fic is supposed to be loaded with crack, would somehow add more crack to this situation by offering his "valuable" input to this conversation, flailing around, or generally doing something.

4. Dr. Medic comes around, and we're treated to some legit crack with the attack and Oek's evolution. Still, up until Mr. T appears, there's not really much of anything funny here. There's the idea that the doctor is performing surgery with a chainsaw, but there's not really much of anything hilarious about the doctor himself. The fact that you point out that he's crazy (which is really something you'll want to avoid in crack fic because, well, everything should be psychotic in one, so this would imply that the character is the sanest one there) just makes us sort of anticipate what's about to happen. As in, as soon as we know he's a sociopath, we're sort of expecting him to pull out some kind of weapon and "treat" Professor Oak. Sure enough, he does.

5. Mr. T appears, but we don't really see him radiate awesome. Like, you could describe how a choir of angels can be heard at his appearance, how his bling radiates with the light of a brilliant sun, how he points his godly finger at everyone else and exclaims in his deep, resonating voice, "I PITY THA FOO'." In other words, Mr. T is pretty much a meme, so you'll want to get over-the-top with what you do with him. It's like having Chuck Norris be a character in your fic but never having him roundhouse kick something into the sun or punch out a character with the fist hidden beneath his beard.

In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a good attempt, but it can definitely be funnier. With crack fic, you really need to go over-the-top. Break down your inhibitions, come up with the most messed-up things you can think of, and describe them in detail to us. Go all the way with your jokes. Finally, of course, proofread to let the reader focus on what's going on instead of how you're telling the story.

Good luck with future fics.

Thank you, ma'am for the nice tips. I should be more funny, but that was just something I did while I was bored to break a writer's block, so it's meh.

Very meh. Also, I should get rid of the stage descriptions, like said.

Noob out.

With a title like yours, I'm VERY curious about this fic. :P Before I start with the review, oh boy Janaury 11th is my sister's birthday. XD

Okay, now to the review. I'm...pretty much going to agree with Jax over this story. She already explained how the comedy in this seemed force because the stuff happening here seemed forced instead of you expanding on the scenes. Part of the reason is because you're rushing a lot on the scenes and you're telling, not showing. For instance:

Of course, Oak had not been strapped to the bed where the Medic would chop him apart; so he instead pulled a small ball from his lab coat, which contained a Dragonite. The beast looked around, and instinctively decided to attack with Outrage, destroying the room, and sending Oak flying into another one.

Much to the old man's luck, he had tackled the operating table that had Oek strapped to it, and flew out of the hospital window with his strange friend in his arms, and into a Pokemart's window, which he smashed upon impact. Oek hit a carton of milk with his head, and his fell into his mouth.
Upon ingestion, Oek started glowing, as if a Pokemon was evolving.

Click to expand...

This part I feel you should really slow down so that the readers enjoy it and also be amused. Instead I had to reread this part a couple times to figure out what's really going on.

Again, I have to mention Jax again., haha. She gave great examples to how you could have made this funnier, which is more or less diving in the comedic stuff you're going for. I know you're capable of this because I read your Spongebob fic and you did nicely with the comedy in that fic.

In short, you got some good ideas, but you didn't deliver them well the first time. This fic still has potential to be a great crack one if you decided to rewrite this from scratch and try to make it funnier.