[Pokémon] Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Team Angel Feather (PG-13)

No Seagreen for a story like this. This story has been waiting to written forever...so I thought it was time to write it. It's going to be mostly Unova Pokemon in this story. PG-13 for violence, mild profanity, and some suggestive themes.
Italics means he or she is thinking...okay let's begin.






































I really hope this isn't bad...

Ok, all I see is a few simple spelling mistakes.

When Kannon was thinking about Kyurem being enraged, she/he said enreaged. There were a few other simple mistakes, but save for those spelling errors, the idea seems good.

Hi there! Hope you don't mind me reviewing your story.

First off, let me suggest removing the center tags in your post. Reading large amounts of text that's centered is rather difficult to do. Readers can't easily follow where one line ends and where the next begins.

Second, you seem to have a slight overabundance of commas. You combine sentences with commas that would fit much better as separate sentences.

In the distance I saw a Pokemon running, it looked like a purple cat, and it had a necklace around its neck.

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Like here. This would work better if you placed a full stop after "running" and had the rest as its own sentence.

There's also a few spelling errors here and there.

Kyurem sounded enragd.

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"enraged"

It was running to the volano.

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"volcano"

I'm wondering if you proof-read this before you posted it. Main reason why I'm wondering is because I noticed that some times you punctuated dialogue correctly, while other times you didn't. Just so you know, when the dialogue ends in a question mark or an exclamation point and is followed by a dialogue tag ("asked" or "shouted"), then the word after the quotation mark is in lower-case.

"You're a very weird Pokemon...where are from?" it asked.

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Like that.

So make sure to read over your story before you post it so that you can catch the typos here and there.

Other than the typos, there's not much yet to comment on. Obviously you're starting off in the way most (if not all) Mystery Dungeon fics do. So right now I can't really say where the story's going to go or how it's going to be. Just keep posting along so that we can see how Kannon as an Emolga will tie into the scene with Kyurem.

Hope this helps.

Thank you. I will take you advice. I will not center it after this. (I always Center the first chapter.)

Chapter 2; Becoming a Team


"Purrloin, I have a question," I said. Purrloin look at me, he smiled...it didn't seem to mind.

"What's you're question, I'll be happy to answer you!" Purrloin quickly said. I smiled back.

"Where exactly are we going?" I asked bravely. Purrloin gave me a look, but answered anyway.

"To town," it explained. Purrloin continued to walk with me.

"By the way...you must be careful in dungeons," Purrloin expalined. I stared at it. I didn't understand...

"Pokemon can attack at any time," Purrloin said. It stood its ground.

"Pokemon attacking at any thime? Don't mind if we do!" Two Pokemon said. The one to the left was small, orange, and looked quite young. And the one on the left was a Pokemon on all fours, orange, and it looked sort of like a pig.

"Scratch!" Purrloin cried. Purrloin scratched the Pokemon with extended claws.

"Kannon, you need to help me defeat Tepig and Darumaka!" Purrloin begged. I didn't know what it meant...

"How do I do that?" I asked. Purrloin rose an eyebrow.

"Shout a move, and you can attack the Pokemon," Purrloin replied. I though of a move I would be able to use.

I suddenly felt energy come out of me... "What's feeling?" I asked myself. I suddenly felt an electric shocked wanting to come out of my body.

I saw a bolt of lightning hit Tepig. I didn't undersatnd what I just did.

"That was ThunderShock, Kannon," Purrloin said. It went back to attacking Darumaka.

"Assist!" Purrloin yelled. I saw Purrloin breath fire.

"Assist seems to be any move that a Pokemon can learn on the floor," I thought to myself. I didn't know if I was right.

"Flame Charge!" Tepig said. Tepig charged at me with flames...

"ThunderShock!" I yelled. Tepig fainted apon impact of the move.

"Yes, we defeated them!" Purrloin shreaked. I smiled at it.

"Let's continue, there is only one more floor." Purrloin explained. We continued climbing.

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Hours later we were out of the dungeon.

"Free~!" Purrloin beemed. I smiled and said nothing.

"Um, Kannon, now what will you do?" It asked. I stared off into space.

"I don't know..." I replied. Purrloin looked upset for some reason.

"Would you like to join an exploration team with me?" It asked. It sounded like it was begging.

"Um, sure, for a bit," I said. I was about to change my answer, but I knew if I did...Purloin would probably cry.

"Yay! I need to take you somewhere to get us registered as a team." Purrloin explained. It walked me out to the left of town.

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"This is it," Purrloin said. It walked me to the front enterence.

I could see a Pokemon blocking the door. It walked over to us.

It was a blue, and it looked like it knew karate...

"Who are you, tresspassers!" It screamed . It didn't look too happy...

"We want to join the guild, Sawk, sir..." Purrloin said in a timid voice.

"Go in then..." It said in a grumpy voice. It opened the door.

"Okay, Kannon, here we go..." Purrloin gulped as we walked into the guild.

"Kannon, look at this! Look at all the Pokemon!" Purrloin said. It sounded quite shocked.

"Oh, is that children's voices I hear?" A Pokemon said. It walked down the stairs.

"Hi, sir, can we join the guild?" Purrloin asked without any fear.

"Sure," the Pokemon smiled. It lead us downstairs.

"What's you're name?" I asked. The Pokemon answered me with pride.

"My name is Excadrill," it said. It continued to walk us to a door.

"Okay, we are going in, the guildmaster will be in there." Excadrill opened the door.

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"Guildmaster, two children want to become members of this guild," Excadrill said. The Pokemon didn't turn around.

"Did you hear me?" Excadrill asked. This time, the Pokemon turned around. It was a pink Pokemon.

"Hi~!" The Pokemon said. It seemed quite friendly.

"My name is Audino, I am the guildmaster of this guild," The Pokemon explained.

"So, how do we get recruited?" I asked. Audino smiled at me.

"Just tell her what you want your team name to be," Excadrill said. It waited for us to name our team.

"You name the team, Kannon...I'm terrible at names," Purrloin whispered. It waited for me to pick a team name.

"Um...how about Team Angel Feather?" I asked. I waited for Purrloin to answer me.

"I like that..." Purloin said. It seems like it would go with anything I was going to say.

"Okay, you team name was registered," Audino cheered. Excadrill made us leave the room.

"This is great, Kannon, we're part of the guild now!" Purrloin cheered ectatically.

"Okay, you two, congratulations," Excadrill lead us to another room.

"These are your beds...sleep early tonight, okay?" Excadrill left us, and we slept soundly for the whold night.

This will be continued within chapter 3.

Tell me if I have any errors...I hope it isn't bad...

Am I allowed to double post?

Chapter 3; White Light of Hope

I woke up early that morning.

"Morning, Kannon, let's go! I hear people talking!" Purrloin said. We ran to the main room.

Everyone stared at us. I couldn't tell if they were angry, happy, upset...

"Everyone, good morning. If you look to the left, you will see rookies," Excadrill said. Everyone listened.

"While we wait for our Guildmaster...let's all introduce ourselves to them," Excadrill said. He bowed and backed away.

A line formed almost instantly. Almost everyone introduced themselves--except Sawk.

They called themselves: Zorua, Gothielle, Duosion, Pawinard. Mandibuzz, Braviary, Zebstrika, Blitzle, Mienfoo, Wimsicott and Petilil.

"Okay, everyone introduced themselves...now, let me call Audino," Excadrill said. We all moved back.

"Audino, are you ready?" Excadrill asked. Audino opened the door and came out.

"Good morning, all~!" Audino said. She sounded like she was singing...

"Good morning, Guildmaster!" Everyone said. I listened to get an idea what guild mornings are like.

Exadrill stepped up. It walked to the direct center of the room.

"Okay, everyone, today you all have the same scedule! You are dismissed," Everyone left the room except us.

"I'm confused, Kannon...what do we do?" Purrloin said. I shrugged, I didn't know either.

"You two! Please come here!" Excadrill said. We walked to him.

"So, what are we doing?" I asked. Excadrill smiled at us, and replied instantly.

"Follow me, and I'll show you." He lead us into another room.

***************************************************

"You are going to save a trapped Pokemon," Excadrill said. It pulled down a tacked notice.

I looked at the paper. It had a lot of information on it.

It read: Client: Lillipup. Reward: ???. Dungeon: Pink Lake.

"A Lillipup is lost?!" Purrloin asked. Excadrill nodded.

"You should get going, okay?" Exadrill said. We left to go to Pink Lake.

*****************************************************

We got to Pink Lake in no time at all.

"Okay, the client is on the second floor, Kannon! Let's go!" We entered the dungeon.

The dungeon was just how I pictured it: pink, and filled with pink and purple Pokemon.

I saw the stairs right around the corner. This dungeon was almost too easy.

I walked over to the stairs. "Let's go, Lillipup will be waiting for us!" I said. We climbed up the stairs.

I saw the Lillipup in the corner. It looked scared, worried, and tired. We walked over to the Pokemon.

"Finally, I'm saved!" Lillipup screamed. A light shined on the three of us, and we got out of the dungeon.

*****************************************************

The light took us to the guild.

"Thank you for saving me...!" The Pokemon said. It circled around us. I got annoyed quickly.

"Good for you," Excadrill said. It smiled at the Pokemon.

"Can I join the guild and Team Angel Feather?" Lillipup asked. We all looked at eachother and pondered for a little bit.

"Sure, the more the merrier!" Excadrill said. Lillipup circled around us again.

"Yay! I'm a guild member!" Lillipup said. Excadrill smiled and congratulated Lillipup.

"Good job you two, I expect the same of you tomorrow." Excadrill left the room.

"Okay! Let's do this again tomorrow!" Purrloin said. We left the room to go meet up with everyone.

This will be continued within chapter 4.

This was an easy chapter to write.