Thread: [Pokémon] Red with Envy
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Old February 16th, 2012 (7:02 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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Even if you spaced everything out, it is still hard to read. Not because the words are jumbled up, but because the dialogue isn't spaced out properly. For example:

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
“I want Red”, Clara said, leering at Professor Oak; up to this point she had battled the best and beat the best. Red was the ultimate challenge. “Eh…How do you know about Red?” Professor Oak asked rather curiously.
You have two speakers in the same paragraph. As soon as Professor Oak starts talking, the readers would understand it better if his dialogue was on the next line. So the correction would be like this:

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
“I want Red”, Clara said, leering at Professor Oak; up to this point she had battled the best and beat the best. Red was the ultimate challenge.

“Eh…How do you know about Red?” Professor Oak asked rather curiously.
This happens a lot in your story, so you really want to fix those, otherwise it can get confusing.

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
“I traveled all through Johto and Kanto, All people have ever spoken about was how great Red is…” Clara said, sternly raising both of her eyebrows as to show how serious she was about battling the legendary trainer from Pallet.
The bolded word should be lower cased. This is probably a typo though. Also, I don't think raising both of your eyebrows shows you're serious. When I do that, I look surprised. Trust me, I just did it in front of a mirror to make sure. You could condense the whole bit and make it, "Clara said sternly" or something.

The whole bit with Green was a bit random, in my opinion. He just showed up from nowhere, yells a bit, and then Clara cries in the corner. I suppose that would speak about their character, but it's still really weird in the first place. There also wasn't really much build up to Clara's reaction. The pacing was really rushed in this case. I don't think Green (or Blue, depends which canon you're going with...) would be in Pallet anyway. As far as the games go, he's never really at his gym, but he's not home either. He goes everywhere, like at the Seafoam Islands and whatnot. I would suggest starting the fic with a battle with Green instead. In that case, Clara could celebrate and ask Green where Red is. Then Green can do his scoffing and jeering and bring Clara down. That's just my take though.

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
“I started in Johto; because I knew no one would be there, it’d just be me on my own journey, and I achieved that.”
You don't need the semicolon here. Actually, it shouldn't be here. A semicolon only separates two independent clauses. Here, however, you have an independent clause followed by a dependent clause. You could go without punctuation after "Johto".

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
“The trainers in the Jade Valley are horrendously powerful Clara, you’d had better be on your “A” game” Oak said, placing his hands behind his back. “Tell me a bit about your Pokémon?
Okay, so first off, "you'd had" is grammatically incorrect. "You'd" is the conjunction of "you would", so the sentence would read, "you would had". There are two verbs side by side, and neither of them is a helping verb. Take out the "had" and it's fine. Also, what Professor Oak commands ends with a question mark. But the problem is, it's a command. You don't need a question mark for a command. Unless you worded it as, "Would you. . . ?" then you'd need a question mark. Long story short, replace the question mark with a period.

So enough of the mechanical nonsense. That's not interesting. I will say that you should really look over some parts because you have commas in awkward places, dialogue bits missing punctuation within the quotation marks, and some of the wording is just weird. As Astinus has said above, I would suggest getting a beta reader if grammar just isn't your thing.

Your description is vivid at times. You describe a scene with a few words but your word choice is good and it creates a clear picture. On the contrary, what the characters are actually doing seem to be repeated actions. Most of them have something to do with their hands or their eyes. The characters' actions aren't really informative, and some aren't necessary. For example:

Originally Posted by Editman View Post
Oak said giving Clara a stern glance, deep down he knew her determination to be a legendary trainer was driving her to press on in her training.
At this part I was a bit weirded out. The comma is serving as a comma splice and should be replaced to a semi-colon. Next, the "deep down...." sentence is worded excessively. Also, the verbs were, in my opinion weak. Personally I would have changed it something like:

Oak stared at Clare, if just for a few moments. He nearly smiled as he recognized her enthusiasm closely resembled the legendary trainer's. Her passion gave her the will to train, the will to achieve. He faced away from her and slowly strolled towards his home.
This is merely a suggestion, but I hope you get the idea. This kind of gives more feeling to the readers. It gives a connection and more description.

And that pretty much concludes my review. I hope I didn't sound so harsh. I'm too tired and I feel sick. Actually, I am sick but that's besides the point. Try brushing up on a bit of your wording and sentence structures. I noticed that a few of your sentences sounded the same, so you might want to spice it up a bit. Your characters could be expressed more vividly as well. Just try not to incorporate physical actions too much. That sounds really backwards, but you can describe characters with their thoughts rather than them fixing their hair.

I'll stop here and I bid you adieu.
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