The formatting is funky. First of all, you have two chapters combined into one post, and I'm wonder what was the reasoning behind that. Both chapters are rather short, and usually, they'd be separated into different posts. This goes along with what AWsquared said: you need more vivid descriptions rather than dedicating a single line for an important action. For example, the battle between the protagonist and Alder was wooden. It was a series of commands shouted at Pokemon, and they followed them to the letter and bashed heads until one of them fell over from a concussion. Battles are important in the world of Pokemon, especially the battle in Chapter 1 because it's a
Championship battle. At least, it's against Alder and that's important, isn't it?
Think about it like this: in reality, fights don't last very long. If you've ever watched a random fight at school or something, they're all the hype, but they only ever last a minute at best. Or you can look at movies. Take a look at Harry Potter, for instance. In the fifth movie, when Sirius dies, the movie producers milk the moment for every drop. The sound is inaudible with everyone watching horrified in slow motion. Everything is dramatic. Why? Because it's a pivotal scene in both the books and the novel. In real time, Sirius was hit with the Killing Curse and he died. That's it. That would be about three seconds, wouldn't it? But the actual scene was at least a good three minutes. So you really want to elaborate in important fights, whether it be a trainer's first battle, a gym battle, or a championship battle. As long as they're significant, you want to show readers that it is, in fact, important and readers should start paying attention.
Now, for the battle, you have a first person perspective describing attacks, which I find very weird. Obviously, the trainer is experienced enough to face Alder. And when you're experienced in battling and you've practiced these moves hundreds of time, and seen them thousands of times, you wouldn't bother describing it to yourself. A first person narrative is a really interactive way of describing things, since it literally puts readers into the mind of a character. The thing about description is that it's the way a character interacts with a person, place, or thing. It's not about just saying what color something is or the size of the object; that's a wooden description and a bit boring to read. What we, the readers, really want to know is how the trainer sees it. Maybe the trainer was intimidated by Alder's Bouffalant, or maybe he laughed because its afro is ridiculous. You want to describe something from the correct viewpoint.
Here are three descriptions about hair. I have no idea why I chose hair, but it's just easy to describe for some reason. And that's not the point. Sorry for a bit of vulgar language here...
1. Her hair was a lustrous chestnut color, curling as it hugged her shoulders.
2. Her hair was a shit-brown color, which looked like a dog's crap baked out in the sun for three days.
3. Her hair was brown and curly, like those french fries at Arby's.
Okay, so for the first sentence, it gives a nice description, probably about how pretty the girl is. How do we know? Well, the narrator says the hair is nice and shiny, which would mean he/she likes it. For sentence two, the narrator goes off a different connotation, implying that he/she doesn't like the girl they're describing, given the word choice. But for sentence three, the description is a bit bland--except for the second clause--and it just plainly describes her hair. These are all describing the same girl and the same hair, but you take the feelings and emotions completely differently given a few manipulations of words.
It's all about how a character
sees them, not how it just plainly is, especially in the first person. So keep that in mind when it comes to describing things.
And one more thing: your emotions were pretty much understatements. It's a bit weird to think like, "I am happy," when you just beat the champion. Wouldn't you be bouncing off the walls and kissing random girls in the audience? (Or guys, if that's your thing.) It's not enough to say a word or two like 'despair' or whatever. Emotions are tricky on paper, and you'll just have to get used to thinking like a character and writing down your thoughts.
I smug smile spread across my lips. I had predicted that. I knew that Alder would use that move, luckily he had prepared.
Like here, you just say somehow, the protagonist knew Alder was going to do that. But we have no idea why or how he knew. And then you go on to say Alder was well prepared, despite the fact that the protagonist is probably not a psychic and can't read minds. Unless he can, which in that case, you really should keep us informed. Anyway, just show us the character's thought process. There's a lot of things that might have given it away, like how Alder was in desperation and the character noticed sweat beads dripping from his fiery-hairstyle. You just have to tell us how.
Also, I bolded the first two words since you probably want to change "I" into "A".
Phew. Are you still with me? You probably are if you're still reading this. You seem to make character say their actions, just like the games. This shows up when you have the character with an Archeops and he's saying everything he does, like use Fly or return and whatnot. I don't think you say "Open" whenever you open a door, do you? So it's the same thing, just with Pokemon. And such, you wouldn't need to say, "Return" whenever. Just make the character do it. The same thing goes with the referee. As a matter of fact, I never knew why you even needed referees. A Pokemon is fainted and that's that. It's not like you'd need a ref. Any child could tell when a Pokemon won't get back up and fight.
Wonder, amazement an happiness surged through me as he shook hands with Alder.
Onto the next point. You're misusing some words and misspelling a few, like "Bouffalant" with only one "L". Here, you probably wanted to say "and" instead of "an", and "I" instead of "he". Be sure to proofread before you post so you can catch those things. I just find that it speaks volumes about you as an author if you catch those mistakes beforehand.
Alright, now for the characters. We don't know a lot about the protagonist, other than he's a good battler or something. And even then, I find that his personality is all over the place. In the battle, he seemed extremely calm and collected, but later on, he starts moaning and whining about everything. I think you wanted to portray him as a louder person, so try to show that more in the battle. Like try yelling at his Pokemon to never give up or something. You know, trainers seem to do that a lot. Either way, his personality should be consistent with what you already said before. It's fine if you want an original trainer, but the thing is they also have to be in character.
Also, he seems really brash and stupid since he wants to catch Kyurem for no apparent reason. For one thing, it's a legendary Pokemon and the consequences are inevitable if you could even catch it. The girl there probably would have yelled at him. But I thought it was weird the blonde girl never recognized him, since he is the new Champion and people tend to follow things like that. Her emotions would be more directed towards either extreme attraction or being timid. Either way, make sure you show that she does know he's the Champion, unless she's in an Amish village without TV. In that case, you might want to mention that.
One more thing! Space your paragraphs out like I just typed my lengthy review. Have a single space between them, including the dialogue. It keeps it nice and neat. It wasn't too much of a problem since your chapters were so short, but later on, you really want to take that into account. If it was longer, it would strain my eyes and make things harder to read in a giant block of test, don't ya think?
It's interesting that you started with the Champion battle, which is a good way to captivate readers. However, you just need to work on the reeling in part more, if you know what I mean. There's a lot of improving to be done here, mainly in descriptions. Just try not to make your dialogue wooden as well, and proofread. There's a wonderful
Beat Reader Thread here that you might want to check out if you feel that you need someone to help you out in whatever problems you might have, whether it be descriptions, language, or if you just want someone to read over before you post. That's basically what a Beta Reader is anyway.
I'll keep an eye on this story, so keep on shining your story. Jewels need to be polished before they can really sparkle.
