Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 21 Minutes Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.9 Years
So already we've stumbled into a case of a strange imagery; Our main I assume floating in atmosphere with some pretty troubling thoughts. Now, since you say this is to hint at your story's plot and stuff and dare I say I love that sort of thing I'mma take a gander at your wording here and see if I can draw a conclusion at the end of this, but first.



Minor nitpick but since he's freezing in the high atmosphere I would assume he's floating rather than standing on something. I think it'd be a better word choice for this unless he is standing on something, in which case elaborating on it would be good.

Something curious about this is the thoughts you convey that he's having and soon starts to question leads me to hypothesize that this could be related to this string things. If I could take a shot in the dark, this isn't so much of him actually being there as much as it indicates a "state". In the chapter you have him in the cold when the egg appears so perhaps this "string factor" is shown through these vision like experiences with the cold being a "recognizable trait" as if you're slowly freezing and losing yourself to the control.

Of course, that's just a guess, but if I could make a judge on our main character I would say they're already on the path of this string even if this character isn't entirely controlled or tied to it yet.

With speculation out of the way,

I will have to admit, this starting part kind of doesn't warrent its welcome. Now, while you do use it to convey the dad isn't there and the mom's disposition this is something you could have done during the waking up that wouldn't be such a short scene that then transitions. Like, unless there's something else to be attained from this sleeping part that couldn't really be touched on in the morning, why not have it in the morning?

You could do the same thoughts on the dad and mom's behavior when she comes to wake him up. Her sleeping on the couch could be a guess by her rather rough appearance and lack of a nice soft thing to lay herself on, yah know.

One correction to give yah, though.
"... if I had"



Hmm, so I'm guessing for now you won't be having dialogue specific and more description writing, which I admit is something I'm not used to but can manage. I'm curious if this will be how the story stays or if it will include direct dialogue.


Wonder who these peeps are that keep insisting he gets a pokemon. Friends or others, not too important but some food for thought, I guess.

But now we get to the good part,


One little correction before we begin: "... his two hands ..."

Hmm, so from this we have so far it seems that this world of "grey" and all that is linked to the real one or can at least send things to the real world, as shown by the egg and all. This leads me to wonder about this figure that gives the egg (a description of his clothes would have been nice but eh, guess it can't be that easy). As for the egg, bright yellow makes me think it's gonna be a Pichu and that Pichu is related to things.

Overall, this was a nice little start, though I will say it left me wanting more description and detail since you are setting up this as hinting to the plot of the story. Something of note as well is that we don't get a name for our dear protagonist. I wonder if that will have any significance or is just a case of not putting one in, heh.

In Summary, attention grabbed, now let's see where you go with this.
Thank you, and I apologize for the grammar errors. I won't say anything so far about your theories. My current schedule for this story is a chapter a day, and so far I have a total of seven chapters. I am currently debating on writing more on this story, or to start a different one. But due to the attention this has so far, I'm leaning towards, more of this story. Won't say for sure until afterwords.