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[Pokémon] Time & Space

If You Had To Choose A Pokemon From These, Which One Would It Be?

  • Dialga

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Palkia

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Giratina

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    0
  • Poll closed .

Vato

This Is Our Last Goodbye
533
Posts
12
Years
  • Previously known as Pokemon: The Rest Of All.
    Rated PG-15 for several bits of strong languaje, future blood and mild-suggestive themes.

    TIME & SPACE
    a tale of self-discovery

    Preface


    A long time ago, in a recently formed Pokémon world, the creator and his sons lived peacefully in a land populated by Pokémon only. Dialga, that made time flow properly. Palkia, that started to expand space. And Giratina, with an undefined purpose. Giratina's jealousness towards its brothers made it commit acts that devastated the land, thing that made the creator angry.

    The creator punished Giratina. It opened a portal to a world in the reverse side of ours, a world where there were time didn't flow, where space isn't stable. A world of antimatter. Giratina was banished into the Distortion World, never to be seen again.

    At least, not in a while. In our modern times, at the peak of Mt. Coronet, named Spear Pillar, a young man by the name of Cyrus summoned both Dialga and Palkia and controlled them to create a new world. In the moment he was about to accomplish his task, a portal opened and linked both worlds. Giratina appeared in front of Cyrus… But he knew that happen, and he gained control of it with the Red Chain, with three Pokémon under his commands, no one could stop him.

    But he wanted more power… And he traveled to the Fiore region, where Groudon and Kyogre were resting after their second fierce fight. He gained control over both of them… And he defeated Rayquaza with the power of all his legendary Pokémon. With the powers of both Groudon and Kyogre, he encompassed all of the regions, many died, and those who survived were enslaved and forced to re-build the cities that remained.

    Now years have passed, and a rhetorical peace reigns over the new Pokémon world. Only eight of all the gyms there were remain, and leaders were replaced with commanders. Those who want to be Pokémon masters must travel the reformed world to get these badges. While no one thinks that Team Galactic might be stopped, there just happened to be a young boy sent by Arceus, the creator that will bring down the organization.

    Now, readers, go, and leap into the new world of Pokémon where dreams, hopes, adventures and Zubat await!

    THE POKEDEX WILL SOON BE ADDED
    AND NOW, WATCH, A MAJOR SPOILER:
    dialga.png

    "Ye' Who Is Holding The Orbs,
    Ye' Shall Bring Freedom Back To The Controllers Of Time And Space
    And Purify The Renegade's Soul"


    INDEX:

    1. The Meeting Of Fate
    2. Nulletroot Town
    3. Mr. Freak
    4. The iPika Store
    5. The Misadventures of Mr. Freak and Heredia

    CHAPTER 1:
    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • Chapter II + ChangeLog

    Da-da-da-dum!
    It's chapter two time!
    Any feedback would be awesome! :)

    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Pikachukid

    Conquest needs a sequel
    328
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Wow this is really creative man! My only suggestion is to make the reader imagine an action so instead of saying Sentret smiled (or Mr. Smacks the female Sentret lol) you should describe it like Mr. Smack's mouth widened, and her eyes grew bright and cheerful. If a heart appeared over her head it wouldn't be too farfetched (farfetch'd pun? :t083:). Just describe stuff more often instead of just saying "and this is what happened..."
     

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • Feedback! Yay! + ChangeLog

    Wow this is really creative man! My only suggestion is to make the reader imagine an action so instead of saying Sentret smiled (or Mr. Smacks the female Sentret lol) you should describe it like Mr. Smack's mouth widened, and her eyes grew bright and cheerful. If a heart appeared over her head it wouldn't be too farfetched (farfetch'd pun? :t083:). Just describe stuff more often instead of just saying "and this is what happened..."

    Got it, I'm glad I've got some feedback, and also that you liked it.
     
    Last edited:
    10,175
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Hi again, Vato. I'm here to review your first chapter!

    I will say that you have the beginnings of an interesting story here. It sounds like we'll be taken on a fascinating ride through the regions we used to, and we'll see how the world has changed. Drew seems like he has an interesting history to him. I wonder how he'll recover his memory, how he came to be where he woke up.

    Unfortunately, you still seem to have that problem with never-ending sentences. Not only are never-ending sentences difficult to read a lot of (because the reader can't take a break), but the reader loses track of information. Plus, the way that you write your sentences sets the mood for your story. For example, short sentences makes the scene more intense, which is useful for action scenes.

    I'll show you how to separate your sentences better.

    He woke up, sweating, lying in the fine sands along the sea, who he was, he couldn't remember, neither where he was, but somehow, that place seemed familiar, the sound of the water splashing all over the sand back and forth, and the constant cries of the sea Pokemon.
    This is your first sentence of your first chapter. I'll make a few changes to it, separating it into a few sentences.

    He woke up, sweating, lying in the fine sands along the sea. Who he was, he couldn't remember. Neither where he was. But somehow, that place seemed familiar. The sound of the water splashing all over the sand back and forth, and the constant cries of the sea Pokemon woke up something small in his memory.
    (I added a little bit at the end to make it a complete sentence.

    If you do this for the rest of your story, it'll be much easier to read. If you have any questions at all about this, feel free to ask me. I'm more than willing to help you out.

    It was also a bit difficult figuring out what was happening here:
    -Hey you! - he said
    -...
    -What are you doing out here at Pallet Beach under the rain, you're gonna catch a cold!
    -...
    -The name's Bucker, what's yours? - said Bucker, extending his hand - C'mon!
    Aren't you gonna talk? Fine, then!
    -I guess my name is Drew - he said, while taking a Trainer Card of his pocket, only to realize Bucker had already walked away - Screw you then! - said Drew, with an angry voice tone.
    because I'm so used to seeing dialogue wrapped in "quotation marks" and not dashes. I don't know why you used them here in this story, since your other stories used quotation marks.

    Other than a wish for more description, this is pretty good. What I mean by "more description" is that the chapter moves pretty quickly from Drew waking up on the beach to him catching a odd-colored Sentret. Take the time to set up more of the environment, since a big part of your story will come from how the world changed. Also, focus on your characters. Give them some time to slow down, and describe how they react to what they see. This is really just me repeating what Pikachukid said.

    I hope this helps you. Again, feel free to ask any questions. I look forward to seeing more of your story! Good luck!
     

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • More Feedback = Happy Me! + ChangeLog

    I see, I wanted to see how would the text would look if I stopped using quotation marks, I guess that didn't worked out.
    And I guess it's time to also edit (and maybe extend a little bit) Chapter I, and once again, Chapter II.
    And I'm glad I'm finally getting feedback, 'cause more feedback equals a happy me! :)
    I'm gonna try my very best, as I want this to be a masterpiece that everyone will hardly forget!
     
    Last edited:

    Pikachukid

    Conquest needs a sequel
    328
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Hi again, Vato. I'm here to review your first chapter!

    I will say that you have the beginnings of an interesting story here. It sounds like we'll be taken on a fascinating ride through the regions we used to, and we'll see how the world has changed. Drew seems like he has an interesting history to him. I wonder how he'll recover his memory, how he came to be where he woke up.

    Unfortunately, you still seem to have that problem with never-ending sentences. Not only are never-ending sentences difficult to read a lot of (because the reader can't take a break), but the reader loses track of information. Plus, the way that you write your sentences sets the mood for your story. For example, short sentences makes the scene more intense, which is useful for action scenes.

    I'll show you how to separate your sentences better.


    This is your first sentence of your first chapter. I'll make a few changes to it, separating it into a few sentences.


    (I added a little bit at the end to make it a complete sentence.

    If you do this for the rest of your story, it'll be much easier to read. If you have any questions at all about this, feel free to ask me. I'm more than willing to help you out.

    It was also a bit difficult figuring out what was happening here:
    because I'm so used to seeing dialogue wrapped in "quotation marks" and not dashes. I don't know why you used them here in this story, since your other stories used quotation marks.

    Other than a wish for more description, this is pretty good. What I mean by "more description" is that the chapter moves pretty quickly from Drew waking up on the beach to him catching a odd-colored Sentret. Take the time to set up more of the environment, since a big part of your story will come from how the world changed. Also, focus on your characters. Give them some time to slow down, and describe how they react to what they see. This is really just me repeating what Pikachukid said.

    I hope this helps you. Again, feel free to ask any questions. I look forward to seeing more of your story! Good luck!

    Ok this is gonna sound weird questioning a mod but I thought you couldn't (well i guess you can but it's frowned upon) start a sentence with a conjunction?
     
    10,175
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    From here: A sentence beginning with and or but will tend to draw attention to itself and its transitional function. Writers should examine such sentences with two questions in mind: (1) would the sentence and paragraph function just as well without the initial conjunction? (2) should the sentence in question be connected to the previous sentence? If the initial conjunction still seems appropriate, use it.

    So the rule of never starting a sentence with a conjunction is becoming out-dated, and many people are beginning to start sentences with "and" or "but." I've picked it up from one published author, and there are many others who do the same.

    While some people might not like the change, it's becoming more and more popular that I see no reason to fight it. Honestly, the only people that I've seen frown upon starting sentences with conjunctions are those that keep all the old grammar rules in mind, no matter how the language has changed.

    So if Vato (or anyone else) wants to draw attention to a sentence by starting it with "and" or "but", it's fine. It's a sign of the changing times.
     

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • ♪Conjunction, Junction, What Is Your Function?♫ + ChangeLog

    It's nice to know sentences can start with conjunctions (now I won't feel I'm having a lot of grammar errors). :)
     
    Last edited:

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • Chapter III + ChangeLog

    Da-da-da-dum!
    Chapter III time!

    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • Chapter IV + ChangeLog

    Any feedback would be great, ya' know?

    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • NEW CHAPTER! YAY!

    Let's clean the dust off this Fic with a new chapter!

    Spoiler:
     

    Vato

    This Is Our Last Goodbye
    533
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • Err, is anyone reading this?
    Spoiler:
     
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