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The Fall of Light

How do you feel about the fanfic thus far?

  • I love it!

    Votes: 2 15.4%
  • I think it's pretty good.

    Votes: 7 53.8%
  • It's okay.

    Votes: 3 23.1%
  • It's terrible. I hate it.

    Votes: 2 15.4%

  • Total voters
    13

Post Office Buddy

Trapped inside this Octavarium
476
Posts
16
Years
  • I revised it according to your suggestions and I fixed all of the errors you have pointed out. I added more detail towards the end of the chapter and I am somewhat satisfied with that part. I feel I could do more with the first part, but that will have to wait for a later time.

    Unless 'quarter after' is a widely used term in America or whereever, I wouldn't really recommend it, maybe a quarter past or something. Minor however.

    I figure I probably could have let that slide, since it is a commonly used term here in America, but I when I saw how it was worded I felt uncomfortable using a preposition at the end of a sentence.

    "Yes, I do," Katy answered. "I'm willing to risk anything to help Jeff do what he has to. I would even die to ensure the safety of the world."

    The effect I was going for was more like she understands how dire the situation is and that she accepts that she may have to die to save thousands. I get what you are saying though. A revision seems likely at the moment.

    At least it hasn't developed that far, although still, I think it's move a bit too quickly for Jeff to be already saying such things... funny though.


    I kind of wanted it understood that they had known each other for years, and that a lot of attraction between them had already happened in the past. Again, I see your point and I may make a revision on this as well

    A tad... cliched, and makes Jeff out to be perfect - be careful with the whole Gary-stu thing here, as I do feel that you are stepping a bit dangerously here.


    Okay, I fixed this a bit so that Jeff seems to have ulterior motives for this quest. Added some other things, too, that should make it more interesting. Also fixed the whole Giovanni thing.
     

    Luphinid Silnaek

    MAGNEMITE.
    100
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • In exchange for the courtesy of your review, I decided it would be meaningful to return the favour and become a reviewer for your fiction.

    I must commend you for the remarkable improvement you've made with the passage of the fiction, in only a few chapters. The skills of description and drama you developed in a flash, and you're honing them with each chapter. Also the main antagonist, which was looking to become a generic evil villain, has shown remarkable development. I do wonder what brought him to this state. For the sake of progress, however, here proceeds large amounts of critique. For the sake of progress, of course; take this review as a whole to be a positive development.

    Your depiction of action and suspense could do with improvement. To the second problem you can apply what you have been doing successfully for some time: new, sudden developments should be executed with some amount of drama, to avoid them seeming like random and meaningless whims. Especially around, say, the appearance of Giovanni, or some such surprise, accentuate all the emotional themes and describe them with detail. To take this specific example:

    "I do," a menacing voice said at the door. The three spun around to see Jenkins take his white lab coat off. He pulled a mask off as well, a face with sharp features topped by jet black hair.

    The professor's reaction is soon depicted with vigour, but the thoughts of Jeff and Katy are not accounted for at all. It seems, from their lack of reaction, as though they were quite prepared for such unexpected and incredirble events to happen. Also, you gave no introduction for Giovanni at all. A split-second reflection from Jeff about the notoriety of the great criminal villain, and the shock and dread which he would feel from meeting such a dangerous man in person, would have given some meat to the somewhat rushed event. Also, in describing him (as well as any other character you may introduce), it should be worthwhile to describe the emotional impression the appearance of the man gives; this half-physical aspect of the character contributes a surprising lot to his/her development. In this case, writing about his maniacal appearance and the ruthlessness of his sharp features would have placed a greater impact on the reader.

    Anyway, coming back to the point. Some notes on describing action: the straightforward, essay-like writing voice makes action seem distant and uninteresting. For one, the moves should not be simply stated but described to some level, which gives the writer's style a special distinction by his/her portrayal of the mechanics of battling and, once again, adds flesh to the battle. Don't worry about slowing down a battle with description; I think you're far from that. If several of the more spectacular moves are given at least two sentences (or every move allowed at least one; I've seen you compress several moves into one sentence, which rushes the battle beyond how a battle should be rushed), you should easily remain within the realm of split-second actions. Also, including the character's thoughts more often add to the air of action, because these thoughts are far less narrative and essay-like than actual narration. You did very well with the dramatic moments in chapters three and four, and simply going farther along that path will solve many problems. Just remember not to make dialogue eternally formal and dramatic; the narration is good enough for that.

    The characters are quite distinct and animated in their unique ways. The issue of Mary-Sues is a prevalent one, though, and I suggest you make deliberate effor towards it. The common instinct is to toss in flaws, which works to an extent, but you have to keep in mind that not all character development is specifically good or evil. A character is largely made of not flaws or virtues but traits, which may present themselves in good or evil ways in the form of actions. If one keeps this in mind, I think the issue of Mary-Sues becomes an entirely inconsequential one.

    All in all, a thought-out and distinct fiction, with a few issues that will iron themselves out with the passage of the work.
     

    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
    476
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • Hello, friends. I am excited to announce that I now have Chapter Eight finished. I have spent over a week working on this, trying to make it the best quality I can, and I hope I have done so. This chapter is about 6,600 words and is 11 pages long, so it isn't really for the faint of heart. Please review and tell me things I did right/wrong.

    Chapter Eight: The Return Home

    Entei raced across the land, fear gripping his heart at what he thought he would find at his home. Mewtwo had apparently paid a visit to his home island, slaughtering countless legendary Pokemon in his search for a suitable Pokemon. Mewtwo's cold voice still echoed in his ears: "There are plenty of Entei's in the world, as well as every other "legendary" pokemon. There just happens to be very few in this area. Most others of your kind live in an island community in perfect harmony with other supposed legendaries. Well, at least they did."

    Entei's eyes flashed at this memory, anger pouring from his heart and into his thoughts. I swear, if Mewtwo so much as touched any of my family, he will pay with his life. The silent vow calmed him, assuring him that Mewtwo would pay restitution for any damage done to his home. Revenge was the only appropriate response for a travesty as great as killing the members of a sacred race.​

    Mewtwo isn't even a real Pokemon, Entei recalled. He was created by man and therefore is governed by the same basic flaws as all men are: greed, dishonesty, and ruthlessness. Entei's clairvoyant insight into this worked to tame him, forcing him to feel empathy for Mewtwo's misguided actions. Why can't he feel the same way about the Pokemon he has hurt? Entei wondered sadly.​

    Entei continued on, never stopping to take a break. He feared that he would lose his nerve if he were to stop, even momentarily. Entei needed to see the ancient city, needed to be sure that Mewtwo had indeed attacked his fellow Pokemon in an effort to find a worthy ally. Most of all, he needed a reason to desire revenge. I've made too many rash decisions already, Entei thought solemnly. I need to make right the wrongs of my past and end this evil at any cost.

    Entei neared the shore of the island he was currently on. Across a narrow channel lay his home island, laying quiet and resolute in the nighttime darkness. No lights shone in the distance save that of small fires here and there. Entei was encouraged by this thought; perhaps his kinfolk were still alive.​

    Now came the problem of crossing the channel. As far as Entei could tell, the channel was only ten to fifteen feet deep. It seemed about twenty feet across and the water was calm, still as the ground beneath his feet. He calculated the odds of making it to the other side in a single bound, but decided that they didn't look too good. He stared at the calm, unmoving water for a few moments before an idea struck him. The water seems calm enough to warrant an attempt, Entei speculated thoughtfully. There is no other way to cross, and I don't possess the means to build a vessel to cross this channel.

    Stepping back several feet, he gazed one more time at the unresponsive water. Without hesitation, he strode to the water's edge, picking up speed as quickly as he could. He reached top speed shortly before reaching the shore and used every ounce of his energy to maintain his momentum. He padded across the channel, his padded feet striking and leaving the surface before he could slip under. He managed to cross the treacherous channel just before exhausting himself too much. Gasping, he collapsed onto the solid ground and heaved, exhausted by the amazing feat he had accomplished

    After a few short minutes, Entei managed to catch his breath and rise to his feet. He walked slowly towards the center of the island, fearing the worst. Throughout his walk, he could see signs of struggle in the ground, on the trees, and in the underbrush. Entei saddened considerably. Even if Mewtwo didn't attack this island, something did, he thought with remorse.​

    Nearly twenty minutes after leaving the edge of the island, Entei reached the center where the ancient Pokemon city lay. The sight before him stopped his heart and brought tears to his eyes. That bastard Mewtwo was here, Entei whispered to himself, his anger and hatred growing with every passing second.​

    Pokemon lay everywhere, either dead or close to it. Apparently, Mewtwo had decided that just killing them wasn't enough; he was going to punish them by forcing them to live through intense pain until they finally died from shock. Entei's hatred for Mewtwo grew stronger than Entei ever believed it could. It seemed to be a stronger feeling that just anger now; it was more like a disgust for Mewtwo's very existence. No word could explain how much Entei hated Mewtwo. This abomination had destroyed his whole life, first capturing him, then destroying everything he had ever loved. He will pay, Entei thought. If it's the last thing I do, Mewtwo will pay.

    The anger was replaced by sadness almost immediately. A sense of helplessness washed over him as he surveyed the carnage. These Pokemon were much more experienced than me; older than me, wiser than me, more powerful than me, and yet they fell, Entei thought bitterly. If an entire island of legendary Pokemon were no match for Mewtwo, then what chance do I stand?

    En.. Entei, a weak voice called from the heap of bodies near the center of the city. Entei rushed over, excited by the prospect that someone may yet live. When he drew near the source of the noise, however, he halted, horrified by what he saw before him.​

    A Suicune lay on the ground, a foreleg and rear leg missing from its body. Several gashes marred the once magnificent body of Entei's best friend, and the Suicune himself seemed close to entering the world beyond. A stream of tears ran down Entei's proud face, falling from his face and dropping precariously to the ground below. He bowed his head in respect for Suicune's fallen form, praying to whatever Gods there were that Suicune would earn a place in their domain. Suicune nodded in approval in the quiet prayer, tears streaming down his face as well.​

    What... What happened, my dear friend? Entei asked, pained. Suicune's sad eyes gazed up at him from his position on the ground, remembering the attack and the torture that followed.​

    A psychic type Pokemon appeared here a few days ago, Suicune began, pain etched into every syllable. He... he said he was looking for help for some kind of war, something about Pokemon killing each other out of dislike for each other. When we heard that he wanted us to fight in this war, we refused. We do not like getting involved in wars, as you know. Entei nodded in understanding, remembering the ancient traditions that the island's inhabitants adhered to.​

    Continue, my good friend, Entei said. What happened next?

    Suicune gathered his breath, preparing to finish his story. He grew angry at our refusal, saying that if we did not join him that instant then we would all die. We laughed at his meager threat; how could he, one Pokemon, defeat an entire island of extremely well-trained trained Pokemon? Suicune shuddered at this thought. We were wrong to laugh. We had greatly underestimated his power, and our laughter only drew more anger from him. He displayed his awesome power by lifting and throwing a young Zapdos into a tree. The child died instantly, and we all backed away in surprise. He looked at us with great anger in his eyes and asked us one more time to join him.

    Suicune shuddered, picturing the evil red gaze of Mewtwo. His eyes were crimson, almost blood red. They were the most evil eyes I have ever seen... or ever will see. We refused once again, and launched our own attacks against him, hoping to catch him off guard and defeat him. He was prepared, however, and managed to block every single attack. Our surprise awarded him with the opportunity to eliminate most of us, incapacitating those that had directly offended him. I was one of those he chose to torture. The memory struck a nerve in Suicune, causing great tears of pain, grief, and despair to flood from his turquoise eyes.​

    I... I am so sorry that I could not help you, Entei said apologetically. I should have been here, defending the home island instead of running around Kanto.

    It is no use to fret on what could have been done, Suicune said. Only fret on what can still be done.

    It's just... I seem to be alone now, Entei said sadly. Every other Pokemon living on this island is dead, and I doubt any other legendaries live outside of this island aside from me.

    Not true, Suicune said, a gleam of hope now shining in his wet eyes. I believe some of the Pokemon that were here when that psychic attacked managed to hide from his murderous rampage. Aside from that, at least one of each legendary lives on the mainland. For once, the old traditions have proven useful.

    Unfortunately, Moltres was captured by that psychic, Entei said regretfully. I, too, was captured momentarily, but managed to escape. Moltres, on the other hand, fell to brainwashing and was beyond saving. I must find a way to release him so that we can fight Mewtwo together.

    So that's who it is, Suicune murmured sadly. I suspected, but I didn't think he had come out of hiding.

    Trust me, I didn't think so either, Entei replied. Now you say that others may have survived?

    Yes, Suicune said. I believe that they may be underground, in the labyrinth that was designed in emergencies like this. Even if you found them, though, they are probably all children, and possibly some infants. I doubt very many adult Pokemon made it down there. You may want to check them out before it's too late.

    But what about you? Entei cried. I need to heal you, then maybe together we can take Mewtwo down!

    Suicune turned his eyes away, fighting back tears. I fear that it is too late for me. I have suffered far too many wounds. I have already lost substantial amounts of blood.

    Entei stepped closer to his friend, tears fresh in his eyes. He didn't try to hide them. His pride would not get in the way of his sacred duty to his best friend. There must be something we can do, Entei sobbed desperately.​

    I'm afraid it is too late, Suicune replied weakly, tears streaming down his face. You must do whatever you can to preserve the lineage of every legendary Pokemon that has lived on this island. Find Mewtwo, make him pay for the damage he has done. Do this for your brothers, your sisters, your elders. For me. For... Suicune hesitated. For her.

    Entei's stomach lurched with nausea. Not her too, He thought quietly. His legs felt like they were going to buckle from under him, stranding him on the ground, too weak to stand up. He managed to steady himself with thoughts of revenge. I will avenge my family, my friends, my lover, Entei thought angrily. He will not avoid judgement.

    Entei, Suicune said weakly, bringing him back to his senses. Please... would you breathe fire on me? I'm getting awfully cold. I just need a little bit of warmth... please.

    Of course, my dear friend, Entei said sadly. A jet of fire emerged from Entei's great snout, enveloping Suicune in semi-hot fire. Suicune seemed to gain immediate comfort. Entei was pleased with his work. I will not allow you to pass on without some comfort. You have already endured so much.

    I... I just wish I could help, Suicune said sadly. This is no easy task. You will need all the help you can get. Once you find the Pokemon that escaped into the underground, I suggest you take a few that are capable of holding their own and find Mewtwo. Make him pay for this slaughter. Do not allow him to live unpunished.

    I promise, Entei began sternly. Mewtwo will pay for what he has done to you. Rest assured that you have not died in vain.

    That's a relief, Suicune said. He now seemed more at peace with himself. His eyes closed slowly, glazing over as he did so. I will always be watching over you, my good friend, Suicune murmured. Over time, Suicune's breathing slowed until he breathed no more. Entei suspended the jet of flames emerging from his mouth, gazing at Suicune's motionless body with respect for his departure to the void beyond.​

    Perhaps that is the easy way out, Entei thought. This quest is too much for me... yet I must see it through. There is no one else who can avenge this monstrosity, no one else who can save Moltres. But first I need some help.

    Entei left Suicune's body after another few minutes of respectful mourning and began searching for the entrance to the underground cavern. He tried to avert his eyes from the body's of his fallen comrades, but he couldn't help but look. He recognized many of the Pokemon that lay dead in the cobblestone streets of the ancient city. Many of the faces he recognized belonged to childhood friends who should have gone on to do great things. Instead, they lay dead, discarded by a Pokemon who knew nothing of remorse or empathy. His hate was strengthened by the sight, his heart weakened by the limp bodies of close friends and family. Reluctantly, he turned his focus to finding the entrance to the underground hideout.​

    The layout of the city was simple. There was a large capital building in the center, inhabited centuries ago by humans who had abandoned the island in the midst of natural disaster. Surrounding the capital were small shops and homes erected during the more populous periods of the island's history. Many of the buildings were run down and were impossible to enter, unless the curious intruder wanted the roof to collapse on their unsuspecting head.​

    Many strange black discs lined the streets, placed at regular intervals. Entei could not determine what these black discs were, but assumed that they were in place to add structural support to the streets. While glancing at one of these discs, he remembered a time when his mother had told him a secret about the city.​

    ===============================================================​

    Now, young one, never attempt to move those black discs in the road, his mother said. She was lying on the floor of one of the abandoned houses, nursing one of Entei's newborn brothers. She had a vacant expression on her face, as if she were dreaming of a time long ago.​

    Why can't I touch them? Entei asked curiously. He was about half the height of a full-grown Entei, but still strong and a force to be reckoned with. He was one of the most muscular Pokemon on the island, and it seemed that he would take the title of the strongest Entei when he reached full height, and with that move to the mainland to assure the survival of his species.​

    They hide a secret so powerful that it could affect the future of every Pokemon on this island, his mother responded dreamily. Apparently she knew this from personal experience.​

    What secret? Entei asked eagerly. He had an insatiable desire to learn new things, especially secrets. He had gotten into trouble numerous times for trying to eavesdrop on important meetings and other Pokemon's personal affairs.​

    If I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret, would it? She asked doggedly. All you need to know is that it may save our species some day. These black discs are perhaps the only defense we have of an attack by trainers. We guard these secrets very well.

    If humans had created the black discs in the city, then don't you think they would know these secrets too? Entei asked. He saw this as an obvious flaw in the plan, something that may turn out to be their downfall.​

    This city is quite old; I doubt any humans even know what those discs are, despite having created them, his mother replied. Besides, if it seems that the humans know what they are, then we'll just change their color. Perhaps pink would fool them.

    Entei stared at her thoughtfully, ingesting the information she had provided him. That may work, he finally said after some long thinking. It may work just fine.

    ====================================================

    Entei found that he had wandered close to one of the black discs. He examined it carefully, trying to determine what secret it hid. He dropped his face closer to the disc and sniffed it, curious as to whether the smell was the key. Surprisingly, the scent of many Pokemon met him. Not a faint scent that had been left by Pokemon walking across it, nor the scent of the dead Pokemon, but the scent of a few dozen living Pokemon. It's coming from below, he realized suddenly.​

    Entei lifted one of his massive paws and swung towards the black disc with all of his might. The stainless steel barely even dented from the force of his blow. Entei's pulled back his paw, surprised at the sudden pain jolting through it. He looked at the disc more carefully, trying to figure out a way to move it. He soon noticed small indents on the outer rim of the disc, possibly used to lift the disc from the depression in the ground.​

    Entei carefully placed a claw in one of the indents. Carefully, he lifted the disc out of its place in the street and placed it on the street. He peered into the black hole beneath him, unable to discern any shapes. However, he could see the faint outline of eyes, probably from the fire and electric Pokemon. As his eyes adjusted, he saw about three dozen frightened Pokemon worriedly staring up at him from the abyss.​

    Please don't hurt us, one particularly small Raikou said in fear. The wide eyes evident on every Pokemon's face in that dark space mirrored his thoughts.​

    My God, they're all kids! Entei thought, amazed. I don't see a single adult anywhere here!

    Please let us live, a Suicune pleaded. We did nothing wrong; we only want to go home.

    Entei looked away regretfully, knowing that they would not have the opportunity to ever return home again. Their homes were destroyed with their parents. A wave of pity rolled over Entei. He knew that these Pokemon were almost certainly doomed to die, as he could do nothing to help them. They had very little hope for a future.​

    Don't worry, Entei said smoothly. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm trying to find all of the survivors here. He felt a hole open in his stomach at those words.​

    Survivors? A young Articuno asked. But that means... Everyone's dead! He screamed in shock.​

    Y-yes, Entei faltered. I'm very sorry, but your families... all of the adults... I...

    Don't worry, a Zapdos said, trying to comfort Entei. I'm sure some of the adults managed to get away. They were going to hide some of them when that awful Pokemon came from the sky. Besides, I heard there was some work going on in these things. Some Pokemon might still be down there, unknowing of what's happened up here.

    Entei was surprised at this child's eloquence; she seemed more like an adult than a child. Reminds me of myself when I was that age, he thought.​

    ================================================================​

    The sun shone bright, exhibiting the exuberance the entire island was feeling at that moment. This was the day Entei had been waiting for, the day he would accept the title of the strongest Entei on the island and journey to the mainland to explore the realm of man.​

    Every Pokemon on the island was there; even the previous year's champion attended. Entei felt a sudden rush of nervousness from the large crowd drawn by the event. He had already completed the trials alongside his rivals for the crown, and had done extremely well. His performance was said to rival that of the famed Bolthagor the Great. His opponent was seen by the public in a similar light.​

    There were almost no physical distinctions between Entei and his opponent. They were both comprised of layered muscles, which rippled under the fur whenever they moved. Their manes were the same crimson color, making them nearly indistinguishable. Their eyes were even the same color. The only difference was the half inch height difference between them, his opponent being the taller competitor.​

    Entei was preparing for the ceremony when his opponent approached him. His name was Misguard, named after another legendary Entei. Entei had never been given a proper name; his mother had thought it more appropriate to name him Entei than anything else. Everyone thought she was insane, since a Pokemon's name was an indication of power. The greater known the name, the more respected the Pokemon was. Using the generic Entei name, his mother had destroyed any chance of him being famous throughout the Pokemon world. Who would think that legends of Entei were more than just a reference to an Entei with an unknown name?​

    Misguard stood proudly, the wind blowing his mane, adding to his aura of power and demand for respect. He eyed Entei with indifference, sizing him up. Entei felt himself fall under the intense scrutiny of his greatest opponent. He returned the gesture, examining every rippling muscle, every curve of lean tissue, every perfectly sharpened claws. We are too evenly matched, Entei thought. If it comes down to a battle, we will probably kill each other.

    Hello, Entei, Misguard said smugly. Judging from the look of contempt showing on his face, Entei assumed that Misguard had thought of the implications of battle. It seems that we are very far ahead of our comrades in this tournament. In fact, the next closest Entei is trailing us by fifty points.

    Entei's eyes betrayed no emotion, hiding the shock that accompanied Misguard's announcement. I didn't think we were that far ahead, he thought to himself. To Misguard he said, Where does that leave us? Entei was afraid that he was trailing Misguard by even one point. It would be difficult to make up any point difference.​

    Misguard hesitated. We are tied right now, he said sourly. But that won't last for long. The Elders are discussing what should be done to decide the winner of the tournament this very second.

    Entei couldn't believe what he had heard. We're tied? He thought wondrously. A sick feeling accompanied the excitement he initially felt at this revelation. We might have to fight each other, he thought fearfully. That won't turn out good.

    Misguard studied Entei's reaction carefully, looking for a lapse in his calm disposition. He was disappointed to see that Entei's face didn't betray the fear he most certainly felt. Entei was proud of his ability to hide emotion; he had learned it from his mother.​

    A bell tolled in the distance from the approximate direction of the stadium, catching Entei and Misguard by surprise. They both jumped a foot or so in the air, but managed to regain composure quickly. They glanced at each other before shrugging and following the path towards the ancient stadium.​

    The stadium lay outside of the city, in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Few paths led to this awesome structure that hadn't been plagued by the growth of vegetation since the original inhabitant's abandonment of the island. The stadium itself was a beautiful piece of architecture. It was several hundred feet tall and was easily two miles in circumference. Entei had relished running around the colossal structure as a child, feeling the wind blow through his mane and pockmarking his face with several particles of sand.​

    The inside of the stadium was a sort of amphitheater, with the stands raised higher than the "stage", as the Elders liked to call it. It was here where competitions took place, whether they be annual celebratory tournaments or the yearly tournament held to decide which member of each species would be best suited to live on the mainland. The stage was well suited to a large variety of events, from speed challenges to Pokemon battles. Incidentally, Pokemon usually took their disputes here to be seen by all of the Pokemon of the island. The stadium was frequently used, and thus had to be kept in excellent condition. Many Pokemon were assigned the task of maintaining the stadium, making sure that the beams could support the massive structure.​

    Entei and Misguard approached the large hole in the side of the stadium that served as a gate. They walked through an elaborate maze of hallways before finding their way to the entrance of the stage. Misguard nodded to Entei and ran through the hallway to his side of the stage. When Misguard was in place, the two rivals entered the stage, which now seemed to be set up for a battle. Great, Entei thought in despair. It looks like they decided on a battle to decide the winner.

    Misguard stood still, looking calm despite the tremors of fear coursing throughout his body. Entei gained confidence when he saw this. He's scared too, he thought, courage flowing into him. He turned his great head towards the Elders table to hear what was to be carried out.​

    My fellow Pokemon, an old Moltres said. This Moltres' fire shown with a duller flame than most Entei had ever seen. It was obvious that this Moltres was older than every other Pokemon on the island, perhaps by many centuries. It is my pleasure to announce the final event for the two remaining Entei to compete in for the title of the world's strongest Entei. Will the competitors please approach the table?

    Entei and Misguard cast weary glances at each other before reluctantly walking to the Elders table. Here Entei could get a better view of the Moltres that presided over the Elders. He was massive, about two times larger than the other Moltres that littered the stadium. Scars decorated his body, tribute to the many battles he had fought in as a young Moltres. Despite the frailty he conveyed, a fire burned in his ancient eyes as if daring someone to fight him. Entei had no doubt that any Pokemon, even one of the island's many Zapdos, would fall in battle to him. Clearly, this Moltres' power could not be matched.​

    How are you today? The Moltres asked the two Entei softly. Both Entei and Misguard replied that they felt fine and were ready to finish the tournament. Moltres smiled at this and addressed the audience once more. It is time to announce the final test. As you all know, very few ties have occurred in the history of this island. When a tie does occur, however, one of the competitors usually backs out in surrender to their opponent. This isn't because they have lost heart, but because they do not wish to battle their opponent.

    The crowd became restless and excited at these words, as many of them had hoped for a Pokemon battle. They had no doubt figured out that Entei and Misguard would be almost evenly matched in battle, and had longed for one to take place throughout the entire tournament. Moltres smiled at the effect of his words. After a moment of murmuring passing through the crowd, Moltres quieted them with a simple wave of one of his massive wings. The noise died down and Moltres continued.​

    I know you can't wait for the battle to begin, as Pokemon this evenly matched have seldom battled, so I will allow the competitors to choose when to begin the battle. To Entei and Misguard he said, Whenever you're ready, just step on the field. The two Entei nodded and turned, gathering their thoughts and courage as they approached the battle platform.​

    They stood opposite each other, casting angry looks towards the other while calmly awaiting the referee of the battle to approach the platform. An Articuno finally found its way to the raised platform and nodded towards the competitors. Both Entei nodded back, ready to start the battle.​

    You both know the rules, Articuno said. I wish both of you the best of luck. Now, begin the battle! The crowd cheered at the referee's booming announcement. Entei immediately drown out the audience, concentrating on Misguard. Misguard, too, focused on Entei, and they circled each other, awaiting the other to make the first move. As they circled they drew closer, almost within range of a physical attack. Entei knew he had to fight the urge to bite or scratch his opponent, as that would put him at a severe disadvantage. For a long while, neither made a move.​

    Misguard must have decided that enough time had passed and become impatient because he lunged at Entei with its claws outstretched and its jaws opened. Entei barely dodged the attack, but realized that his dodge had thrown him off balance. He spun around just in time to see Misguard leaping at him once more. This time Entei did not try to dodge the attack, but instead leaped towards Misguard. They collided in midair, knocking each other away with the force of their swinging paws. They fell to the ground and rolled to their feet, ready for another bout. Both reached their feet at the same time, awing the audience.​

    Very good, Misguard thought, breathing heavily. I didn't expect that retaliation. They circled each other once more, trying to find an opening to exploit. Both had perfect poses, however, and guarded any possible weak spots with extreme care.​

    Expect the unexpected, Entei replied, still searching out a weak spot. It must be there, he thought desperately. No Pokemon is perfect. An opening appeared when Misguard stumbled over a stone with his left hind leg. Entei immediately lunged at Misguard's defenseless form, anticipating the collision between his body and Misguard's prone form. Misguard surprised him, however, by countering Entei's attack with a swipe of his right forefoot. Entei flew towards a boulder near the outside edge of the arena, shattering the large rock with his collision. Entei fell to the ground and struggled to his feet, rage building up inside of him.​

    He planned that, he thought in surprise. He tricked me into thinking he had slipped up.

    Misguard bolted across the field in a flurry of flames, attempting to slam Entei into the remnants of the shattered boulder. Entei dodged the attack just in time, though, and left Misguard to slam into the boulder with great force. I knew it wouldn't be that easy, Misguard said. I figured that you still had some tricks up your sleeve.

    You assumed correct, Entei said, facing Misguard as they circled each other again. They again began the arduous task of seeking a weak point, hoping to render their opponent incapacitated. None seemed to present themselves now: Misguard obviously wasn't foolish enough to think the same trick would work twice. They continued to circle each other as the crowd's excitement built. They could tell this was an intense battle between two equals, and whatever the outcome, they were by far the strongest Entei in the world.​

    Entei made a sudden move towards Misguard, surprising him and making him stumble for real this time. Entei siezed his opportunity and rushed Misguard, who could not defend himself this time. Entei slammed into Misguard's helpless body and pressed him against the ground while slashing his face with a mighty paw. Misguard howled in rage, anxious to teach Entei a lesson. With all of his energy, Misguard threw Entei off of him and pinned him down, taking his chance to slash at Entei. They continued to roll around, draining each other's energy through well placed blows that scarred them. Neither appeared to be winning. The crowd watched, transfixed by the brutality with which the two Entei attacked each other. They were completely silent; the baby Pokemon didn't even cry when their hunger overtook them and their mother's didn't feed them. Every single eye was on the two Pokemon struggling for leverage in the arena.​

    The two Pokemon pushed each other away and climbed slowly to their feet. Both were worn out greatly by the skirmish that had taken place, but they attempted to hide it. Their legs were weak, their eyes were glazed in exhaustion, and their bodies glistened with sweat. They again circled each other, too weak to cover every weak point but also too tired to take advantage of one of their opponents. Finally, Entei attacked.​

    He jumped as high as he could into the air and aimed his body at Misguard. Misguard looked up at Entei's flying body, frozen in fear. Entei collided with Misguard, slamming him into the ground and weakening him considerably. Entei had misjudged the drain he would feel in his energy, however: he, too, was near the point of blacking out.​

    Misguard noticed the vacancy existent in Entei's eyes and took advantage of this. He ran at Entei, swerving left and right to throw him off guard. Entei wearily watched him, not even trying to block the attack. Misguard smashed into Entei and threw him off of the platform. Entei landed with a loud thump, and was knocked unconscious.​

    After that humiliation, as Entei called it, he trained every day. Whether he was sore or feeling perfect, he trained. Whether he was tired or energetic, he trained. Whether he was sick or well, he trained. A year passed and he found himself against Misguard once again, who had experienced a year in Kanto. They fought again after another tie, but this time Entei was victorious. That win led to the life Entei had led on the mainland since the first time he had won the tournament.​

    ========================================================================​

    Entei gazed wearily at the Pokemon in the pit, a pit of worry filling his stomach as the realization that they were his responsibility, at least until he found the adult Pokemon, hit him hard. Even if they are like I was at that age, he thought, they aren't ready for this kind of adventure. Something tells me that they will play a role, but what could they possibly do? They are only children!

    Entei argued with himself. His intuition had often proved correct, but he simply refused to believe it this time. I will not put these young ones in danger! He thought violently. They haven't even had a chance to experience life yet! How can I expect them to die? He looked at the young legendaries, his eyes dull with sadness at the waste their lives would be. What can I do to protect them anyway? Mewtwo will only return and destroy them if he finds out they survived his initial attack.

    The young Pokemon stared at him as he paced, the fear gone from their hearts as they now realized that Entei was here to help. They felt pity for him, since the older Pokemon knew that Entei would face many trials far tougher than this one in his journey, and they wished they could unburden him of some of his responsibility. They knew also that the chances any adults had survived the attack were very low, that this Entei was perhaps the last adult left on the island who wasn't dead. They knew of his responsibility to his family, that he was required to avenge the death of those he held dear. Their predicament would only hold him back from his solemn duty, and they knew it.​

    An older Articuno, perhaps a teenager by human standards, stood nervously off to the side of the young Pokemon. He had been fretting with a possible solution for quite some time, as he was aware of the problems Entei would face raising them. The young Articuno knew that he needed to speak up, to tell Entei his grand idea, but his nerves failed him at every chance he had. Finally, he fought the dread growing in his stomach and addressed Entei. Sir, he thought respectfully. I believe that I could help with the care of these Pokemon.

    Entei eyed the young Articuno wearily. Go on, he said slowly.​

    Articuno nodded in thanks. Several of us here are old enough to find our way through the forests and find berries for the younger Pokemon and ourselves. I believe that we can survive for a long while in this manner, the older half of the Pokemon here caring for the younger half.

    Entei nodded his approval; he was liking this plan so far. Continue, he responded at Articuno's hesitation.​

    Articuno regained his composure and drove on. I think it would be beneficial to you along with the world if you leave us older Pokemon to watch the younger ones. You must find the Pokemon responsible for this and kill them. How can we expect you to do that and babysit us at the same time?

    Entei stood thoughtfully before replying. The only problem with that is I don't know if I can trust you to take care of them properly.

    Articuno's eyes met Entei's, locking a full quarter of a minute before he responded. You have nothing to worry about. I promise on my life that no harm will befall these children. You have my guarantee that they will be healthy and safe the day you return.

    Entei studied the child for a few moments before deciding. He acknowledged that the Articuno had a valid point, and he also knew that the longer he stayed here, the greater the chance Mewtwo would attack again. Mewtwo was hunting him, after all. Entei finally made up his mind, but hesitated before finally announcing his decision. Your terms sound reasonable, he admitted. I will allow you to watch these young Pokemon while I am away. Just take good care of them and let no harm befall them. If that Pokemon returns, I want you to hide in the catacombs of the city at all costs. No need to play hero. Hopefully, you won't have to worry about this.

    The Articuno nodded, happy that Entei trusted him enough with the lives of the island's Pokemon. He was eager to prove himself to this legendary figure, the strongest Entei who had ever lived. If he could impress him, then his future was set on the mainland.​

    I am placing all responsibility on you, Entei said to Articuno. If anything happens to these Pokemon, then believe me when I say that you will be punished for your inadequacy and your boasting here today.

    I understand, Articuno replied solemnly. He vowed to himself to protect the Pokemon at all costs, to make Entei proud of him, to make a name for himself throughout all the land. Pokemon will sing my name in praise for all eternity, Articuno thought wistfully. The name 'Gartran' will become a household name, just as Entei's name has.

    I must leave you now, but I want you to send some of the older Pokemon to find berries for all of you to eat, and others to search for any surviving adults. Until adults are found or I return, this Articuno... Entei stopped, forgetting Articuno's proper name.​

    Gartran, sir, the Articuno replied proudly.​

    Gartran is in charge until then, Entei said. If you all work together, then perhaps we can rebuild this community. Just perhaps... His speech trailing off, Entei headed towards the coast of the island where he had come from, taking great care to avoid stepping of the bodies of his fallen comrades. They have suffered enough torture, Entei thought dully as he stepped around a fallen Zapdos. No need to cause any more damage to them.
     
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    bobandbill

    one more time
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  • Well Done. That was really good there - well written, lots of drama, and good structure. You did quite well in painting the 'legendary' way of life - the flashbacks and scene shifts were done very well, and you really had me going for Entei during his matter with Misguard - great atmosphere - your improvements continue to astound me, really. I do feel that when you write a chapter from Mewtwo's or Entei's prespective, you tend to do better, than this was no execption.

    Great change in atmosphere form time to time as well, and the plot is really moving quite nicely, and shaping to be a really good story. I do wonder where Jeff comes into this - I guess I will have to wait and see. :)

    There was a tad too much of Entei thinking at the beginning 'Mewtwo show suffer my vengence!' going on, which got a tad overused, espcially that Entei started to do it again when he saw all of the Pokemon killed by Mewtwo.

    Continue, my good friend, Entei said. What happened next?
    Not needed, but maybe a comma after 'continue'.
    We laughed at his meager threat; how could he, one Pokemon, defeat an entire island of frighteningly trained Pokemon?
    I somewhat feel that 'frighteningly' doesn't quite work - sounds like they were trained in a scary way or something... maybe 'well-trained' rather than just trained.
    But what about you? Entei cried. I need to heal you, Then maybe together we can take Mewtwo down!
    Either make the 'T' small, or make the comma a full stop.
    Entei remembered the secret he had been hinted and walked nearer to a black disc.

    That sentence felt a bit unnesserary. He just had that flashback, so I don't think you need to tell us that he now remembered it after showing us it.
    Entei made a sudden move towards Misguard, surprising it and making it stumble for real this time
    Misguard was refered to as 'he' before, so remain consistant of this (have been guilty of doing a similar thing myself, BTW).
    I also felt that the last paragraph of that flashback was a bit rushed and anti-climatic - just after he lost, it said 'Oh, Entei trained harder this time and won a year later' - which didn't fit in with the rest of the well detailed and described battle.
    They were completely silent, not even the baby Pokemon crying in frustration of not being fed by their mothers.
    Bit of a contridiction there - maybe have 'not even the baby Pokemon made a whimper of protest of not being...', etc. - or something like that.
    Even if they are like I was at that age, he thought,
    That felt a bit uncomfortable, the first part - might need to be reworded so it's a bit clearer.

    Overall - very good though - for me, the best chapter yet. Good description, events... the lot. Keep it up.
     

    Sydian

    fake your death.
    33,379
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  • Well, I don't have time to give you a full review like I would, and anyway bobandbill got to it before I could. But, this is going well so far, and the only thing I can really tell you is just to follow bobandbill's advice-- especially on the repetitive stuff. Gotta work on that.

    Well, firstly, save the world? You did explain it somewhat, but a tad too quickly and without having him really consider this too much, for me. His character seems bland, and couldn't see many flaws in him - just seems like a guy to me at the moment... try to develop him further.
    Then you gave him a shiny Charmander (which, by the way, is actually oragey-yellow rather than black - only becomes so when it evolves into a Charaizad - fix that!) - which is somewhat... questionable. I can understand that the professor is helping him to save the world and so he gets it, but might use a bit more backing up, as well as being rather unlikely, to say the least. Seems just too unlikely and unrealistic, as well as Katy getting Mew...
    In the third chapter, also, there was a lack of emotion there really - and Jeff seems to accept these far too easily...

    I'll have to agree here-- when I was reading that part, I kinda questioned it. It is a tad cliche.

    I'll try to check in a bit more often. But keep in mind, my only means of this are school computers, seeing as I'm grounded at home.

    -Silver

    Edit:
    . Legendary birds, ancient texts, Mew, and to top it off some prophecy that may require me to die. I don't see how this is fair; Chuck Norris never had to go through any of this.

    -lawl- Chuck Norris.

    I had a history teacher that looked like him.
     
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    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
    476
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    Years
  • Lol, I thought Chuck Norris would be an appropriate figure to include, since he's a BA and all.

    Bobandbill, I took your suggestions and fixed things that got past me. I was quite surprised that I missed those things, I thought my proofread picked out everything. If anyone else notices mistakes in this chapter, then feel free to quote them so I may fix them.

    I'm also sorry about the vengeance thing, and I noticed that I was a little loose with that whole idea, but I don't have much time tonight to fix any of that. Whenever I go back over my chapters again and clean them up, I will make sure to fix that.
     

    Luphinid Silnaek

    MAGNEMITE.
    100
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    Years
  • My algorithm is correct---your writing skill does indeed multiply exponentially. First, a few choice nitpicks:

    He managed to cross the treacherous channel just before exhausting himself too much. Gasping, he collapsed onto the solid ground and heaved, excited about the stunt he had just pulled.

    "Excited" is a strange word to put there, but it seems to be the most accurate; nevertheless, adding "about" after it changes the meaning somewhat too far. "By" would express this idea better.

    It is no use to fret on what could have been done, Suicune said. Only fret on what can still be done.

    The second "fret" is also a little oddly placed, since it conveys a specifically negative emotion and I don't think Suicune would advise Entei to have such a feeling. You could consider a more neutral verb, such as "concern yourself" or "think about". Something along that vein.

    Entei, Suicune said weakly, bringing him back to his senses. Please... would you breathe fire on me? I'm getting awfully cold. I just need a little bit of warmth... please.

    Of course, my dear friend, Entei said sadly. A jet of fire emerged from Entei's great snout, enveloping Suicune in semi-hot fire. Suicune seemed to gain immediate comfort. Entei was pleased with his work. I will not allow you to pass on without some comfort. You have already endured so much.

    This is a mild nitpick, but fire seems to me to be a bit intense to comfort a suicune with, even if Entei can make it exceptionally lukewarm.

    Misguard studied Entei's reaction carefully, looking for a lapse in calamity.

    Something concrete: "calamity" means "disaster". "Composure" or simply "calmness" could serve you better.

    The dramatic themes, the actions & action scenes, and their execution into paper are getting to be quite effectively flawless; you have most of the tools of an epic-work writer down. Also, the character of Entei is being nicely expanded; I now see the basic functions of his honour system, though I can't see how some of his flashbacks fit into the story--they fill in the blanks we see from his past, but unless they serve some plot point or illustrate a key influence in his past life they have the potential to drag the story down. Remember this, grass--*shot*
     

    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
    476
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    Years
  • Chapter Nine: A Secret Revealed

    Jeff was roused to consciousness by a painful slap to the face delivered by Katy, whose face showed great worry and fear. Jeff quickly sat up, surveying his surroundings. He remembered the explosion and how Katy had been knocked unconscious from the blast, lying on the ground under the rubble of the collapsed wall. Concerned, he scanned Katy for signs of injury, but was relieved to find nothing more serious than bruising. He scanned the rest of the lab when he was satisfied with Katy's condition to see how Professor Oak and Jenkins faired, but was surprised to see neither of them in the ruined lab. He looked at Katy questioningly, wondering where they could have gone. Katy, however, answered his unspoken question before he could voice his concerns.​

    "Jenkins left to get help from the rest of the town. We were unsure of how extensive your injuries were, and we didn't want to risk moving you lest we injure you further," Katy said softly.​

    "So you slapped me instead?" Jeff asked sarcastically.​

    "Well, your sense of humor seems to be intact, so you should be fine," Katy replied with a laugh. She still looked downcast, though, and Jeff quickly realized what was wrong.​

    "Professor Oak is missing, isn't he," Jeff said with conviction. A wave of sadness overtook him as he considered the professor's demise.​

    "Yes," Katy replied sadly. "Jenkins said that some creature came into the lab while we were unconscious and lifted Professor Oak with some sort of psychic ability."​

    Jeff frowned at this revelation. "Some creature... I take it Jenkins doesn't know what kind of Pokemon it is?" he asked after a moment of thought.​

    "He said that the Pokemon that took the professor was one he had never heard of before. It seemed to possess great power, since it threw him with ease when he tried to stop it from taking the Professor," Katy said worriedly. "He told me it flew to the north after carefully taking the professor outside. Jeff, I'm afraid that we won't be able to do much good. We just got our Pokemon, and something with enough power to throw a human being has attacked us already. I don't know how we're going to stop this chaos if the legendary Pokemon have that much power."​

    Jeff sighed, thinking of a way to comfort his friend. "Don't worry," he said. "I'm sure that we'll succeed in our mission. I wouldn't have been chosen if I was meant to fail, would I?" he asked.​

    "I suppose not..." Katy said reluctantly, seemingly unconvinced. "It's just... I don't know if I can do it."​

    "Don't worry," Jeff said, standing up and hugging her affectionately. "I'm sure you will do just fine."​

    "Is everyone okay?" a voice asked from outside the lab. Jeff ascertained that the voice belonged to the help that Jenkins had gone off to get.​

    "Yes, we're both fine now, just some bruising and scratches," Jeff yelled to the voice. Jeff and Katy separated as they made their way through the rubble and out of the lab.​

    ====================================================​

    Mewtwo flew towards his previous home, determined to learn the locations of the Pokemon he sought. The human he now pulled along with him across the bright sky should have an idea of where his desired Pokemon resided. As far as Mewtwo knew, he was the most knowledgeable of all humans in terms of Pokemon, and would likely know their locations better than anyone else.​

    He eyed his captive as he approached his destination, curious to see his reaction to the place they were headed to. The professor's eyes were wide in fear, apparently dreading what he thought was to come. Good, Mewtwo thought, pleased. He will be much more willing to share information if he thinks I will cause him pain.

    Mewtwo touched down on the narrow strip of land that led into his former home. He scanned the ground carefully before decloaking, making sure that no footprints led into the cave entrance. Satisfied, he entered the cavern.​

    It took a while to travel the dungeon to the platform he had once called home. The route to the small island was a familiar one, although he hadn't traversed it in many months. The path lay untouched by human influence, just as it had when he had first arrived. The same powerful Pokemon still lived in the depths of the cavern, isolated and secluded in the darkness the cave presented. He ignored the challenges presented by the territorial Pokemon, choosing instead to continue his journey to the underwater lake.​

    Once he reached the clear-blue lake, unharmed by pollution that much of the world's water had fallen victim to, he floated towards the small island that lay in the center of the lake. He lifted the Professor along with him and landed on the small island, which lay just as he had left it. The professor looked wearily at the island as he approached it, and his mouth dropped in shock as he saw what lay upon it.​

    A human body lay strewn on the island, decayed to only a pile of bones. The professor stared at Mewtwo, his mouth moving soundlessly as the implications of what had happened here hit him. Mewtwo could just imagine what the professor was thinking. He's probably wondering how I could have killed someone, Mewtwo mused silently.​

    As if to prove him correct, the professor asked Mewtwo, "How could you do this?" Professor Oak's eyes flashed wildly, fear dancing uncontrollably within them. If Mewtwo hadn't needed the information he wanted so badly, then he would have felt pity for the old man's fear. He ignored the pity he felt, though, choosing to present the professor with an expression of indifference. The professor gulped nervously, afraid that Mewtwo would kill him as well. Mewtwo had no such intentions.​

    "I want you to tell me where some certain Pokemon are," Mewtwo said coldly. A look of surprise came across the man's face. Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't a Pokemon that could speak to him in his own language.​

    "Why didn't you just ask me at the lab?" the professor asked.​

    "I know for a fact that you would never tell me unless I convinced you to in some way," Mewtwo replied. "The Pokemon I seek are extremely rare. So rare, in fact, that only one of each is said to exist." The professor averted his gaze.​

    "I... I don't know what you mean," the professor stuttered, avoiding Mewtwo's gaze.​

    Mewtwo flew to Professor Oak in a flash, anger distorting his features. "LIAR!" Mewtwo screamed violently. The professor stepped back in surprise, fear written on his face. Mewtwo relished the fear, built off of it, fed off it.​

    "I... I really don't know what you want!" the professor cried. "Please just let me go!"​

    "Not until you tell me what I want to know," Mewtwo responded, his voice again cold and emotionless.​

    "What if I refuse? What will you do then?" the professor asked shakily.​

    "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Mewtwo said with a laugh. "I'll just kill you and find them myself." The professor contemplated his dilemma for a moment, then finally caved.​

    "Fine... I'll tell you what you want to know," he said reluctantly. He looked visibly torn, as if either choice meant the end of his life. Mewtwo approached him slowly, preparing to receive the information he had for so long waited for.​

    "I knew you would come to your senses," Mewtwo said, a sly smile creeping onto his face. "Just tell me what I want to know, and I'll return you to your home..."​

    ======================================================​

    Jeff stared at the house he and Katy had been sent to. The house was rumored to be the home of a former Pokemon League Champion that had disappeared a few years ago when he fell in battle to a challenger. Jeff was doubtful that the rumors were true, as the house was small and was lacking paint in some places. It appeared to be kept up well enough to warrant a nights stay, so Jeff and Katy approached the door, preparing to knock. But before Jeff's knuckles could connect with the door, it opened to reveal a short woman with pleasant features. Jeff jumped back, startled at the sudden opening of the door. The woman only laughed and shook her head.​

    "You must be Jeff and Katy," she said between giggles. "I was told that you were going to stay here tonight. I've been waiting for you for quite some time. Come on in." The pair looked at each other skeptically, unsure of what to do. Katy shrugged after a moments hesitation and they entered the house, glad to be somewhere warm and bright.​

    "You have a nice house, Mrs...?" Jeff began as he surveyed the house, but stopped when he realized he didn't know his hostess' name.​

    The woman laughed, humored by his ignorance. "My name's Mrs. Wheelwright," she said heartily. "You can call me Hester." She walked to her small kitchen as she said this, other things apparently occupying her mind. "Would you two like something to drink? Maybe a cup of coffee, or a soda?"​

    "No thanks," Jeff and Katy said in unison, reluctant to allow their hostess to labor on their behalf. "That would be too much trouble."​

    "Oh, it's no trouble," Hester said honestly. "I want you to feel right at home while you're here. Perhaps I can get you something to eat. Maybe a slice of cake? A brownie? Perhaps a waffle?"​

    "No thanks, we just need to get some sleep," Jeff answered truthfully. "We've had a long day, and I for one am exhausted."​

    "Oh, I can imagine, my dears," Hester said softly. "I heard all about the strange phenomena that occurred at the lab today. It must have been stressful." The two teens nodded, affirming her convictions.​

    "We just need some time to take in everything that has happened today," Katy said. "The whole ordeal was overwhelming."​

    "Okay, I'll leave you two to sleep, then," Hester said. "Both of your rooms are upstairs. Katy, yours is on the left side of the hall, and Jeff, yours is on the right. I hope you sleep well, and if either of you need anything, then feel free to come down and ask."​

    "Thank you, you are most generous," Katy said, bowing slightly. "Don't worry about us, though. Go ahead and get some sleep yourself. I would feel terrible if you were to stay up all night for us."​

    "Well, if you insist..." Hester said, heading towards her room. "If you need anything, just knock and I'll get it for you," she said before entering her room and closing her door.​

    "She's a little crazy, isn't she?" Jeff asked with a laugh.​

    "I think she just misses her son. Remember, she hasn't seen nor heard from him in a number of years. She probably does this to keep herself busy," Katy said, staring at the door in pity.​

    "I'm sure she'll see her son someday," Jeff said, attempting to comfort her.​

    "Yeah, I'm sure she will. Well, let's head off to bed," she said cheerily. They each went to their rooms, said goodnight, and drifted off to sleep.​

    Jeff was roughly shaken awake after what seemed like only minutes of sleep. His eyes opened halfway, trying to see what had so rudely awaken him. Standing beside him was Jenkins, his face pale in the stark moonlight shining through the window. Jeff instantly arose, afraid that someone else had disappeared in the night. He could feel that his hair was disheveled, his face wet with drool that had run down his face in his sleep, but he didn't care. He was much more concerned about what Jenkins might have to say.​

    "What's wrong?" Jeff blurted out quickly before Jenkins could say anything.​

    "Professor Oak has returned," he said, just as quickly as Jeff had spoken. He looked relieved, as if the problems of the world were solved.​

    "He's back?" Jeff asked incredulously. He sprung out of bed and hurriedly clothed himself, preparing to see the professor with his own eyes.​

    "Jeff..." Jenkins started, but Jeff interrupted him.​

    "How is he? Is he okay?" Jeff asked fervently, oblivious to the fact that Jenkins was trying to tell him something.​

    "He's just fine, only some small cuts and bruises, not to mention that he's scared out of his wits," Jenkins replied. "But Jeff..." Again he was cut off.​

    "When did he get back?" Jeff asked, ignoring Jenkins request.​

    "He got back only recently, about twenty minutes ago or so," Jenkins answered impatiently. "Anyway, Jeff..." Yet again Jeff cut him off.​

    "Did he say who kidnapped him?" he asked. "Any descriptions?"​

    "Not yet," Jenkins said, rolling his eyes. "But..." Once more he was cut off.​

    "What abou-" Jeff started.​

    "JEFF!" Jenkins finally yelled, grabbing Jeff's attention.​

    "What?" he asked innocently, abandoning his question.​

    "You're putting your pants on the wrong way," Jenkins replied coolly. Jeff blushed and reversed them, putting them on the right way.​

    "Thanks," Jeff said. "Sorry I wasn't listening to you before, I just wanted to know how the Professor was."​

    "Understandable. Now hurry up, the professor wants to see you," Jenkins said.​

    Jeff pulled on his pants, threw on a tattered red hoodie, his "lucky" hoodie, and followed Jenkins downstairs. Katy was waiting for them, apparently waking up much quicker than Jeff had. She glanced up as they climbed down the bottom steps, amused by Jeff's disheveled appearance.​

    "Finally decided to get up, huh?" Katy asked teasingly. Jeff blushed in embarrassment, his face a deep red.​

    "Jeff had quite a wardrobe malfunction," Jenkins informed her. "It's much better that we came down now than sooner, otherwise you would be rolling on the floor laughing."​

    "Darn, I could always do with a good laugh," she said, winking. "I guess we should head to the lab. Who knows how long the Professor has been waiting for us?" Jeff and Jenkins agreed, and soon the three of them were on the road to the lab. They walked through the dark town, their only source of light emanating from the moon. They peered into the darkness to discern any unfriendly shapes, but were relieved to come across none. They finally reached the lab after a three minute walk and clambered over the ruined wall, entering the lab.​

    The professor was sitting on a pile of rubble, examining a few objects he had found in the ruins. He looked up as they approached and donned a nervous smile. He was obviously still shaken up by his experiences that night.​

    "Ah, Jeff and Katy, so good to see you," the professor said shakily. "I have been waiting for you."​
    "You wanted to see us?" Katy asked. She studied the professor, searching for visible wounds. Only a few small cuts stuck out at her, meaning he was in relatively good shape despite the harsh travel he must have endured.​

    "Yes," the professor replied, then hesitated. "I'm afraid that your quest is going to be much harder than we originally thought." He looked away, apparently ashamed of something.​

    "What's wrong?" Jeff asked in alarm. Something wasn't right, not at all. "If it affects my journey, I must know now."​

    The professor hesitated again, reluctant to reveal what the complication was. He finally gathered the courage to speak, describing his visit in Mewtwo's lair... and more.​

    "You don't know this, but I... I guard a secret that very few people know. I... I took a vow early on never to divulge this information, as it could be deadly in the wrong hands, but I have failed," he cried. "That Pokemon... When it kidnapped me, it took me to some cave near Cerulean City. It took me to the bottom floor of the the cave, to an island in the middle of a lake. There, it began questioning me.​

    "At first, I tried to resist, but I was too weak. It was only a matter of time before I finally revealed what I knew to the Pokemon. When it was satisfied, it flew me here and left me, making it clear that if the information I had provided was false, then it would return and kill me." The professor continued to stare at the floor of the wrecked lab, lost in thought as he contemplated the days events.​

    "What was the secret?" Katy asked him softly. Professor Oak looked up, startled that someone had spoken.​

    "What was that my dear? I must have dozed off for a second," the professor said.​

    "I asked what the secret you guarded was," she answered calmly. The professor looked away again, then returned his gaze to the two teenagers before him.​

    "The secret I guarded was the location of the legendary bird Pokemon," the professor said sullenly. "It was that information he wanted, that information that I gave him." A tear came to the professor's eye. "I have failed the world," he whispered.​

    "No, you haven't," Jeff said, surprising himself as well as everyone else. "You tried your best, and you should be proud of that. I doubt very many people in this world would stand up to a Pokemon that powerful and tell it to go to hell."​

    "Do you really think so?" Professor Oak asked, tears brimming his eyes. One rolled down his cheek, revealing a trail of skin amidst the dust covering his face.​

    "I do," Jeff replied. "Don't feel ashamed of the harm you have done, only think about what you can do right."​

    "The locations of the legendary bird Pokemon," the professor said. "I must tell you!"​

    "Perhaps we can intercept that thing..." Katy said, her eyes narrowing and her voice trailing off.​

    "Listen carefully, you must remember everything I say. It is perhaps the most important information I could ever give you," the professor said, his voice stern and his eyes hard. Jeff and Katy nodded, signifying that they were ready to hear his instructions. "Okay. First, Zapdos. You'll see that Pokemon first, since it is fairly close to Cerulean City. There is a power plant east of the city. Zapdos is in there." Jeff and Katy nodded, showing that they understood his directions.​

    "So inside the power plant," Katy murmured. "I think I've got it."​

    "Good," the professor said. "Articuno lives in the Seafoam Islands, which is a little east of Cinnabar Island. That one will take a little while to reach, since you either need to find a boat to take you there or find a water Pokemon strong enough to carry you."​

    "Seafoam Islands, Articuno, water Pokemon," Jeff muttered to himself. The professor nodded in approval.​

    "Moltres lives in the Sevii Islands, on the island known on the mainland as One Island. When you get to Vermillion City, there is a ferry that travels to One Island. Board it and go to the volcano there. In the crater you should find Moltres. Repeat that," the professor said.​

    "On One Island, in the crater of the volcano. Take a ferry from Vermillion to get there," the two said together. Professor Oak nodded, beaming in approval.​

    "Very well done," the professor said. I suggest you go to Mrs. Wheelwright's house and get some more sleep before you set off."​

    "Okay, professor. Thanks for the information," Jeff and Katy said. They turned and started walking away.​

    "Hey," Jenkins said, getting their attention. "Take these. They will help you on your quest." He handed the two teenagers a bag containing five Pokeballs, each glinting sharply in the moonlight.​

    "Thanks," Jeff said, emotion filling his voice. "When this is all over, perhaps we'll see you again?" he asked.​

    "Yes, we'll see each other," Jenkins replied, smiling.​

    "I already can't wait," Katy said, tears in her eyes. "We'll stop by here first thing when we finish this quest." The professor and Jenkins nodded, sad smiles on their faces as Jeff and Katy turned and walked back to Mrs. Wheelwright's house.​

    "They don't know..." Jenkins said sadly.​

    "They don't, but at least we have a chance," Professor Oak said. "At least we have a chance..."​
     
    Last edited:

    bobandbill

    one more time
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  • That was quick-ish. Oh well - a good chapter there.
    You've improved here in the protrayal of the characters - they felt more realistic, and nice to see that they had their doubts here, and seem less confident about their quest all of a sudden. The plot too is developing nicely - and the legendary birds are to play a good part in this. But one has already been taken by Mewtwo... generally I thought it was a better chapter than involved Jeff and co than the other ones, and it was also unexpected and interesting that Mewtwo appeared as well and temporaily kidnapped Oak. He does seem to have a LOT of time on his hands though, killing legendarys and kidnapping professors - may need some clarification as well when these events are happening (surely not at the exact same time...).

    He remembered the explosion and how Katy had been knocked unconscious from the blast, lying on the ground under the rubble of the collapsed wall. Concerned, he scanned Katy for signs of injury, but was relieved to find nothing more serious than bruising. He scanned the rest of the lab when he was satisfied with Katy's condition to see how Professor Oak and Jenkins faired, but was surprised to see neither of them in the ruined lab. He looked at Katy questioningly, wondering where they could have gone.
    Three out of four sentences starting with he... but the only place which it happened, as far as I can gather.

    "Jenkins left to get help from the rest of the town. We were unsure of how extensive your injuries were, and we didn't want to risk moving you lest we injure you further," Katy said softly.
    Maybe it should be injuried - a past tense word, as left, were x2 and didn't seem to suggest past-tense as the tense for that sentence.

    "So you slapped me instead?" Jeff asked sarcastically.
    Yes, Jeff's humour is quite in order. :)


    "I know for a fact that you would never tell me unless I convinced you to in some way," Mewtwo replied.
    Suggest the 'to' there.
    The professor stepped back in surprise, fear written on his face. Mewtwo relished the fear, built off of it, seemed to feed almost entirely off it.
    Part of that scene had Mewtwo's thoughts, and here suddenly it seems Oak's viewpoint... hmm.
    Before Jeff's clenched fist connected with the door, it opened to reveal a short woman with pleasant features.
    That just sounds like Jeff wanted to punch the door rather than know (clenched doesn't help).
    "JEFF!" Jenkins finally yelled, grabbing Jeff's attention.

    "What?" he asked innocently, abandoning his question.

    "You're putting your pants no the wrong way," Jenkins replied coolly.

    On over no, but still funny, and unexpected. :)
    "Take these. They will help you on your quest." He handed the two teenagers a bag containing five Pokeballs, each glinting sharply in the moonlight.
    Cough... remember that from the games. :)
    "They don't, but at least we have a chance,"
    Missing quotation mark, and the comma for a pause in speech. Interesting 'twist' of sorts at the end though... rally nice plot going on here, and this shall be even more intriguing to see how it pans out.

    Good chapter - keep it up, as usual. :)
     

    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
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  • As always, thanks for the critique.

    The reason I included Moltres location was because no one knows that Mewtwo has captured him yet. They still think that he is on his island, frolicking in his little crater, when he is really serving Mewtwo.

    For the issue of time, Suicune told Entei in the last chapter that Mewtwo had attacked a week or so ago. That would give Mewtwo plenty of time to capture Entei and Moltres, time for Entei to escape, and time for Mewtwo to seek out the professor.

    I tried pretty hard to make this chapter better than the rest that involve Jeff. All of the previous chapters were rather weak, and Jeff seemed a bit too perfect. I wanted to make him a little more human, showing that he, too, has faults. After all, he is only a kid.
     

    Acrutheo

    The boundless night~
    302
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  • I've just started reading your story, and I must say that I am enjoying it so far. Since I've come in a bit late, obviously my reviews will be behind your chapters for a while.

    Comments on the prologue:

    I quite liked it overall; it gave a sense of mystery. I think you were a bit cliché with the whole overconfident speech thing - informing the pokémon of their impending doom and allowing such a healing to take place rather than just dealing with it. Possibly a few arrogant remarks could suffice, but body language could be utilised here. Or, adding a descriptor to his voice, such as "he spoke with malice", "overconfidently mocked", or "his cold voice penetrated through the warmth and familiarity of the volcano".

    And, my grammatical nitpick for the prologue is:

    jeffback said:
    The masked man's evil smile only widened when he said this,,
    Typo of two commas.

    -----

    On Chapter One:

    Better than the prologue. Good job. I do however have some suggestions. Near the beginning you mention "discovering a hypothesis". You don't "discover" hypotheses, (unless of course you're going through someone else's work) you formulate them. You could say "formulating a hypothesis" or "discovering a cause".

    You don't really go far enough in showing Jeff's awe, I don't think, as well. I can understand why a well-studied professor could be calm but for Jeff, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, something way out of the ordinary. In the games, legendary pokemon aren't that special, but if pokemon were translated to real life, like a story should focus on, legendary pokemon are just that - "from legend".

    Overall, another good piece.
     
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    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
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  • Chapter Ten: The Seer

    Wow, it's been about a month since I have been active here. Just a quick note: this chapter may not be my best. I have to grow accustomed to writing again before I can write anything that will be good. I have had little time in the last month to do much writing b/c of graduation, so this chapter will probably be ranked low in comparison to the rest of the fic. No need to worry though! The rest of the fic should flow well with only a few slight interruptions this summer (I can think of one off of the top of my head right now.) But all that aside, please enjoy the newest chapter of The Fall of Light.

    Chapter Ten: The Seer

    Moltres' body streaked across the night sky, the light generated by the fire on its body reflecting off of the dark blue water. He ignored the wonder and amazement of the Pokemon in the sea, concentrating only on the task at hand. There was room for only one thought in Moltres' mind during his flight: find him.

    Moltres black eyes darted across the sea, searching for any possible dangers. He was satisfied when he saw that nothing in the sea threatened him. I expected just as much. These Pokemon are content with only watching, not acting, Moltres thought to himself. They will never become as great as I have become. None of them will possess power equal to mine.

    An island loomed in the distance, shrouded by fog. This island was Moltres' destination, the one reason he had slipped away from Mewtwo's lair. It was here that Moltres would find out his true destiny, the reason for his existence. It was here that he would find out if everything he had done was right... or wrong.

    Before landing on the island, Moltres circled it twice, making sure that nothing posed a threat to him. Satisfied, he stuck out his great talons and landed on a rocky outcrop. He winced in pain as a sharp rock penetrated his skin, drawing blood. With great care, Moltres lifted his leg into the air and examined it. The wound was small, but Moltres did not want to risk infection, so he cauterized it with a stream of fire. When he was pleased with his work, he put his leg back down and continued on his journey.

    He stepped more carefully now, making sure no more rocks would cut his leg further. Moltres was sure that the place that he seeked was close, as the directions he had been given were supposed to be fairly accurate. He searched for the signs he had been told to look for: a tree with only three branches, two of them bent, a boulder lined with veins of silver, and a river with a mist rising above it. The underground cave Moltres searched for was supposed to be in the exact center of these landmarks, the entrance obscured by nature.

    He concentrated on finding the river first, since something that large would be the hardest to miss. After about five minutes of searching, he found the river. The only problem was that the river extended through nearly the entire length of the island, which was easily two miles long. Moltres sighed as he realized that the task at hand would be harder than he had originally thought. He towards both ends of the river and decided that starting at the ocean would be best. In haste, he flew to the end of the river, not bothering to look for the other signs along the way.

    Slowly, Moltres began combing the forest, eager to find the signs. He passed by a dozens of boulders and a few trees that almost met the qualifications of the tree he seeked, but could not find the correct signs. Half an hour passed and he had still not found the right tree and boulder. He felt despair at being unable to find these things and almost gave up. A chance glance, however, restored to him his previous vigor. Lying a few dozen paces away was a boulder.

    Moltres rushed to it eagerly, unable to contain his excitement. When he came close, he saw that the boulder was, indeed, the one he seeked. His head swiveled left and right, searching for the tree he knew must be there. After a minute or two of scanning the area he finally found the tree. Excitement gripped his heart now, as he knew that he could complete his journey. Now he would find out everything, and would be able to decide what to do. He could now figure out if the things he was doing were right, or if they were horribly wrong.

    After a few seconds of surveying, Moltres was able to determine the center of the three signs. He approached the center carefully, unsure of what was to happen. He didn't know if it would cave in on him or if there was a specific way to open the cavern door. The density of the grass implied to Moltres that there must be a door, but he wasn't willing to take chances anyway. He didn't drop his guard until he was sure that he was in the center. Since he hadn't fallen through the ground, he knew that there was some kind of door between the cave and the outside world. In this lay a problem: How was Moltres to open the door?

    Moltres studied the ground for a little while, attempting to find a flaw in it. He dug up some of the earth with his talon, and soon found himself scraping solid rock. Frowning, he cleared away as much of the earth as he could through a combination of breathing fire and digging with his talons. Soon there was only a circle of blackened rock beneath him.

    Moltres studied the stone carefully, trying to find a clue about how to open it. After several seconds he realized that there was an inscription on the door. It was difficult for him to read, but after several minutes of scrutiny, he finally deciphered it. The cavern door said: "Terj Mak Del Grinds Terj Waudun," or when translated, "The Seer Sees Only The Worthy." Moltres re-read the passage to make sure he had read it correctly the first time, and upon finishing the second reading was pondering what it meant.

    Perhaps I have to prove myself through a test, Moltres thought to himself. Or maybe something in my past will prove my worth. He continued pondering this thought even as a large creature entered the clearing. He didn't even pay attention to the sounds the creature was making until it was within twenty paces of him. At the crack of a large stick, Moltres turned around. The creature that lay before him stopped his breathing and widened his eyes. The creature only smiled at this reaction, pleased to have had such an effect on Moltres.

    D-dad, Moltres whispered to himself. The larger Moltres nodded, still smiling. How are you here? You died years ago.

    And how would you know that for certain? Moltres' father asked him, cocking his head to the side.

    We both know why I know, Moltres said, averting his eyes.

    I would like to hear you say it, his father replied, the smile replaced with a look of solemnity.

    Because... I was there when you died... Moltres mumbled. He looked away, unable to stare his father in the face.

    And? his father urged.

    And... I caused your death, Moltres finished, a single tear falling from his majestic face toward the disheveled ground.

    The thing you have to realize, his father began, is that my death was an accident. There was no way to prevent it, no way to foresee my death. It isn't really your fault that I died.

    I blame myself, though, Moltres said. I was the one who flew into human civilization, who drew you into the open where the humans could find you.

    Again, that wasn't your fault, his father said softly. We had never told you where human civilization was. You couldn't have known you had flown into a village.

    I... I didn't know what to do, Moltres continued, remembering his fear, his confusion. Those humans were just staring at me, greed in their eyes. It was only a matter of time before one of them tried to capture me. The memory flooded back, more vivid then in any of his dreams. The alley where he had been cornered by the humans. His father appearing in the town, determined to save him. The rage his father unleashed when he saw his son cornered. The humans deadly response.

    ********************************************

    "Someone get that thing!" a voice yelled from behind Moltres. He flew as fast as he could through the streets, trying to get away from the humans that pursued him. He looked around frantically, trying to find an outlet to lose them at. A small alley caught his eye, and Moltres thought that he could veer into it without any of the humans seeing. He thought wrong.

    He turned sharply into the alley, confident that no one had seen him. However, a loud "it went that way!" crushed his hopes and pushed him further on.

    Moltres was unable to fly any higher than three feet above the ground without any updraft, and none existed in the village. Nevertheless, Moltres tried to escape them by putting all of his energy into speed. It seemed to be working for awhile until Moltres realized that he was exhausting himself. He wasn't yet ready for such strenuous work, and his sharp decrease in speed proved it. He fought to stay in the air, but he knew that he couldn't hold out much longer. Moltres needed a miracle, and he needed it fast.

    However, he would have no such luck. Just before he was depleted of energy, Moltres arrived at a dead end. He dropped to the ground, exhausted and ready to give up. He had no energy to fight the humans with, and it seemed that his only hope was that the humans would fight amongst themselves. He could hear them coming closer, their footsteps echoing off of the buildings around him. Moltres closed his eyes as the first human drew close, waiting for the metallic sphere that he knew would be thrown to hit him. However, before any of the humans could toss a Pokeball, a loud roar cut through the air.

    Moltres opened his eyes to see his father flying through the air, expelling jets of fire from his beak at the humans surrounding Moltres. The majestic form of his father flying above him brought hope into Moltres heart. The humans yelled in surprise, shocked that something that powerful had come to Moltres' aid. They backed away quickly and appeared to be leaving. Moltres' father landed beside him and gazed down at his son. The humans soon realized that they could take advantage of this, especially since Moltres' father had turned his back to them.

    Everything else seemed to move in slow motion at that point. From the corner of his eye, Moltres could see a human run towards them, a long metallic stick in his hand. Before his father could react, the human had buried three feet of the stick into his side. Moltres' father roared in pain and frustration. It tried to retaliate, but the wound was already taking its toll. His movements became sluggish and his body sagged more and more with each passing second. Before long he was on the ground, moaning in pain. He focused his beady eyes on his son, a mixture of love and sadness dulling his once bright eyes.

    Father, Moltres said, weeping. I'm so sorry.

    Don't worry, his father said. I always have, and always will, love you. His eyes slowly closed, the light fading as he entered rigor mortis. And with that, Moltres' father had died. The humans cautiously approached, taking great care to check Moltres' father's body and make sure he was dead. Moltres tried to inch away, but exhaustion and grief hindered his movements.

    Please, Moltres kept saying. Please let me go. None of the humans seemed to understand him though. Only one human seemed to show any sympathy, but he appeared in no way able to help. The circle of humans grew tight around him as they debated on what to do with him.

    "I think we should just kill the damn thing right now," one person said.

    "No, it's obviously rare," said another.

    "I think we should move it to a cage or something until we decide what to do with it," said the sympathetic looking man.

    "You're not even from around here," said one of the other men. "Why are you deciding what we should do with this thing?"

    "Because I know a hell of a lot more about it then any of you do," the man retorted. "If anyone else here has been to more places than I have been, or has seen more than I have, then speak up." He waited along moment for someone to say something, but nobody challenged him. "Okay, then lets put this thing in a cage and meet in the village hall."

    "But... Oh fine, we'll have it your way," a large man pouted. "Get the damned cage."
    The sympathetic looking man left for a few minutes and returned with a large, sturdy cage. They forced Moltres inside and carried him into the town square, where they set the cage down.

    "It's obvious that nothing will happen to him here, so leave him right here until we return from the meeting," the sympathetic man said. The other men agreed and they left to the town meeting hall. Moltres sat in his cage for what seemed like eternity before someone approached. Moltres glanced up, expecting to see one of the townspeople who had threatened his life, but instead saw the sympathetic looking man.

    "I'm here to rescue you," the man said. Moltres' eyes lit up with excitement as the man unlocked the cage and ushered him out. "We have to hurry, the other townspeople won't like that I'm releasing you."

    Moltres and the man headed to the edge of the village as quick as they could, hoping that the other townspeople would not notice until it was too late. However, such hopes were futile, as they soon heard the cries of the angry townsmen.

    "Ugh, I knew it was too much to hope for," the man said. Moltres agreed.

    The angry voices grew louder and louder as the townspeople came closer. No matter how hard they tried, they just could not move any faster. Loud banging noises came from behind them and pieces of metal flew past them as they ran. The man looked glanced behind him to see what was going on, and muttered "****" when he realized what was happening.

    "These guys mean business," the man said to Moltres. "I need you to go into a Pokeball for me. It will be easier to get away since your inability to run fast is slowing us down." Moltres considered for a split second before nodding. The man pulled out a Pokeball and touched it to Moltres' head, absorbing him into the sphere.

    The inside of the Pokeball was unlike anything Moltres had ever seen. Moltres could see outside of the sphere, since the red dome was semi-transparent, but inside the Pokeball was a miniature environment suited to Moltres needs. There was a small volcano, some cliffs, and plenty of space to roam and rest. So this is what it is like to be captured, Moltres thought. It's actually pretty peaceful.

    Moltres laid down in a clearing in his makeshift environment while he waited for the chase to end. He soon dozed off and didn't awake until he was released from the Pokeball. When he came to, he realized that it was night and he was sitting beside a fire. The man was lying on the ground, surrounded by his Pokemon. There was a Charizard, a Poliwrath, a Gardevoir, a Blissey, a Pidgeot, and a Raichu. All of them looked sad and on the verge of tears. Moltres approached them, curious as to what had happened. The Charizard saw him venturing over and beckoned him closer.

    Child, our trainer is dying. We believe that he wanted to speak to you before his time had come, so we released you from the Pokeball, the Charizard said warily. It was apparent that he had been crying, since the skin below his eyes was still a little wet, but being the tough Pokemon that he was, he wasn't about to publicly show weakness.

    What... What happened? Moltres asked.

    Before our trainer took you into a Pokeball, the humans drew guns and began shooting at both of you. Our trainer was hit in the back and the bullet came out a few inches below his heart. We think he was hit in the lung, and that means that he will die in a few minutes. You must see him now, the Charizard said.

    Okay, I shall see him, Moltres replied numbly. To himself, he thought, this can't be happening. I'm now responsible for two deaths, both in the same day!

    "Moltres... come closer," the man said. Moltres approached the trainer, surprised that he knew what he was. "I need to tell you something. I was told long ago by a psychic that I would meet a legendary Pokemon that would someday impact the world. Since I am dying and have only met you, I am left to assume that you are the Pokemon she spoke of. In that case, I am to tell you that every decision you make impacts the outcome of a future event. You must make the right decisions, and although your path may not always be clear to you, you must decide what to do based on what you think is right. You," his eyes watered as he prepared himself for what he was to say next. "You will one day meet my son, and although you will at first be on opposite sides, he will eventually lead you down the correct path."

    The man closed his eyes as his life force ebbed. Moltres felt a wave of pity and sadness for this man. He didn't even know who this man that had saved him was. He only knew that he was among the more generous of his species.

    "Now... I am to die. I have done what was required of me, so I can go on knowing that I helped change the world. My only regret is that my son will never know who I am, and my wife will never know what happened to me," the man said.

    What's this human's name? Moltres asked Charizard. If I am really supposed to meet his son someday, then perhaps I can tell them what happened to this man.

    His name, Charizard began, hesitating. His name is Nathan Back.

    Nathan Back, Moltres whispered to himself. Someday your son will know what happened. Someday...

    ***********************************

    I felt so enraged by the men of that village that I burned it down once I was strong enough, Moltres said blankly. I killed innocent men and women, boys and girls. I didn't rest until every human in that village was dead.

    Your crimes are appalling, but they are forgivable. You shouldn't dwell on the past so much, you were a different Pokemon back then, his father explained.

    You don't understand. I still seek revenge on humans. The hate has grown out of control. That is one reason I am here. I must learn if I am following the correct path, or if I have strayed too far off, Moltres said.

    I'm sure that The Seer will tell you that you are correct, Moltres' father replied. In fact, I think you are ready to meet The Seer.

    How do I enter the cavern then? Moltres asked.

    The cavern door has already opened, his father replied. You proved your worth when you confessed your hate and actions to me. You are now pure enough to enter the presence of The Seer.

    Let me guess, you're not going to join me, Moltres said bitterly.

    I cannot, his father replied sadly. I have to return to the other realm. I was only allowed here for a short time to test you, to see if you were yet worthy to see The Seer.

    Then I suppose this is goodbye, Moltres said reluctantly. I... I don't want you to go though.

    Do not worry, his father said. Someday we will see each other again. When you have passed on to the other realm, then you shall see me again.

    But why wait that long? Can't I just go now? Moltres pleaded.

    No. You are needed here, his father said. You play an important role in the current situation.

    What kind of role? Moltres asked. I need to know my destiny!

    I am not allowed to say, his father replied, averting Moltres' gaze. I must go now. I will see you sometime in the future. Just... Just follow your heart. Moltres' father slowly faded away until nothing remained before him.

    Father! No! Come back! Moltres weeped. I'm not ready for this... I don't even know what I'm supposed to do...

    All will be revealed in good time, a voice said from behind Moltres. Moltres whirled around to see a frail Alakazam before him.

    Who are you? Moltres asked menacingly.

    I am The Seer, the Alakazam said. I am to reveal to you your destiny.

    Then what is my destiny? Moltres asked impatiently.

    All in good time, all in good time. First, we should get into the cave. It's getting quite chilly out here, and although you won't have any problem with it, I will, The Seer said.

    Fine, we'll go into the cave, Moltres said.

    Moltres floated into the cavern entrance while The Seer levitated through the entrance. They landed carefully on the cavern floor and sat. Moltres waited patiently while The Seer meditated. He had already learned that nothing would be achieved through impatience, so he restrained himself from attacking the Alakazam with questions. Finally, The Seer opened his eyes and addressed Moltres.

    Very good, I'm glad to see that you have at least some patience, The Seer said, smiling. Now, to answer your first question, everything you have done has served some greater purpose. Although there are things you have done that aren't necessarily morally correct, they were the things that were necessary to accelerate the current events. You have followed the correct path, even though it wasn't the path many would consider good and just.

    So what does that mean, does it mean that Mewtwo is evil and I am morally wrong for following him? Moltres asked.

    Mewtwo isn't exactly... evil, more like misguided. He is a complex one, he is. He wants to save the Pokemon of the war-torn regions, while at the same time he wants to capture the legendary Pokemon and bend them to his will, The Seer replied. You are, however, morally wrong for following him so blindly.

    So I was in the wrong the whole time, Moltres thought. Entei was right. I should have just followed him when he fled the lab.

    No, it is a good thing that you didn't go with him. You're needed at Mewtwo's side to ensure that everything ends up as it should be, The Seer said.

    And that is...? Moltres asked.

    I cannot reveal that to you now, but trust me when I say that everything will turn out alright, Alakazam responded.

    I... I guess I can live with that, Moltres said hesitantly. But I also came here with another question.

    Ah yes, Nathan Back. You were wondering who he was, and how his son will play into this, weren't you? The Seer asked.

    Actually, yes. I need to know more about him, Moltres replied.

    The Seer sighed. Nathan was a powerful Pokemon trainer. He cared deeply about his own Pokemon and the other Pokemon of the world. He went out of his way to help a Pokemon in need, as you well know. Moltres nodded. He met an unfortunate end, one that he should not have suffered through, but again, it was necessary to ensure that the desired end result would occur.

    So what you are saying that the end will justify the means, Moltres stated.

    To put it bluntly, yes. I do grieve the death of such a caring trainer, but his life is insignificant in the severity of the current problem, The Seer said.

    But what about his son? Moltres asked. Who is he? How am I supposed to help him?

    That, my friend, is a question to be answered at a later time, The Seer said.

    But... Moltres started, but was interrupted.

    But nothing, The Seer cut in. I cannot reveal every part of your destiny today. You are not ready for much of it, and telling you most of it will only interfere with the outcome of this problem.

    I... Fine, if that's the way it has to be, Moltres said, irritated.

    Good. Now, if you have no more questions for me, then you must go on your way, The Seer said.

    I have one more question. Do I die? Moltres asked.

    The question seemed to catch The Seer off-guard. Why would you think that? he asked.

    I just... I just want to know, Moltres said, his head bowed down.

    The Seer hesitated, unsure of how to answer the question. Finally he said, Yes, I'm sorry, but you will die.

    That's... that's all I needed to know, Moltres said. Thank you for your time.

    Your welcome, The Seer said, regretting his decision to reveal the truth. I wish you luck on your journey.

    And I wish you luck in whatever you do, Moltres replied, downcast. I... I had better be on my way now.

    Goodbye, The Seer said. Moltres began beating his wings and soon was flying high in the night sky. Goodbye forever, The Seer whispered to himself, saddened by the thought of Moltres' future demise.

    Meanwhile, Moltres flew high above the earth's surface, leaving the island with more questions than he had arrived with.
     
    Last edited:

    bobandbill

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  • Well, it has been a while, but it was quite good. :) Maybe lacking a bit of description in certain places though - for instance, the Alakazam wasn't really described at all, and some more description to go with the dialogue would have been nice, or actions from the characters. Still, again the plot is moving along very nicely, and it's good to see another character in Moltres get some attention now. I like what you are doing with this story still.

    Nice flashback, which told us a... well, a lot of things, and interesting to see how the gaps will fill themselves in. Overall it was good, and well written - just some more description in the second half, as that felt more bare than the first half.

    There was room for only one thought in Moltres' mind during his flight: find him.
    Maybe 'to find him' would be better than 'find him'...
    He turned sharply into the alley, confident that no one had seen him. However, a loud "it went that way!" crushed his hopes and pushed him further on.
    Random question - how does Moltres understand human speech? Is it natural - just wondering and all on your protrayal of it. (unless you already did, and I forgot... bleh).
    "You will one day meet my son, and although you will at first be on opposite sides, he will eventually lead you down the correct path."
    This straightaway gave away the identity of the man, which ruined the actual relevation of his name and how it all links in. Made it a bit too obvious too early, I'm afraid.
    I am The Seer, the Alakazam said. I am to reveal to you your destiny.>
    <Then what is my destiny? Moltres asked impatiently.
    Why the sudden <> tags there - left them in by mistake?

    Quite good though, and with few mistakes. Nice work, but I do feel it was in parts lacking in description, and with a fair bit of just dialogue in places.
     

    Post Office Buddy

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  • Thanks for the review bobandbill, it was helpful. I thought this chapter would be received less warmly, but at least I am still enteraining everyone.

    Maybe 'to find him' would be better than 'find him'...
    I was trying to tell the reader Moltres' exact thoughts here. I thought the infinitive would be out of place.

    Random question - how does Moltres understand human speech? Is it natural - just wondering and all on your protrayal of it. (unless you already did, and I forgot... bleh).
    My idea with that was that it was natural for him to understand human speech. I thought, well, if Pokemon understand commands such as attack and dodge, then they should have rudimentary knowledge of human speech. I probably should have said that earlier on, but that is my perspective on that matter.

    This straightaway gave away the identity of the man, which ruined the actual relevation of his name and how it all links in. Made it a bit too obvious too early, I'm afraid.
    Gahh, it wasn't my intention to reveal the man's identity that early. Oh well, it would take too much work to fix that, and I need to focus on my next chapter right now. Surprisingly, many people on another forum thought that I was alluding to Red rather than Jeff.

    Why the sudden <> tags there - left them in by mistake?
    Double Gahh, I knew I had missed a few somewhere. They were a mistake. The other forum I post on doesn't allow markup of text unless you are a paying member, so I use those brackets to set thoughts or dialogue of most Pokemon apart from the rest of the paragraph. It was quite tedious going through this and italicizing everything while deleting the brackets. I'll go fix what I missed right now...

    Anyway, thanks again. I thought I had used too little description, but I was so concerned with writing the chapter just right that I ignored most description mistakes. I will probably go back through someday and fix everything I messed up, so be assured that it will be fixed someday.
     

    Post Office Buddy

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  • Chapter 11: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

    Whoa, it has been far too long since I have updated this fiction. I'm not sure how good this chapter is, but believe me, it has taken forever to write. I toyed around with five ideas for this, restarted after page two about five times, each time with a COMPLETELY different beginning, and finally arrived at this. It was only after I wrote the Prologue for Affliction that I finally obtained the motivation to finish this chapter. I hope this appeals to those who have followed this fiction since I began it and I hope I find new fans in those who haven't seen this before.​

    On another note, I kinda wanted to make this chapter a little different from other "Jeff and Katy" chapters I have written, so this one has a lot less focus on "saving the world" and more focus on character development. But, I feel that I have rambled for far too long now. So, if only to save you the torture of reading a ridiculously long introduction to the chapter, I present to you

    EDIT: I have revised it, and to quote a certain fiction that I saw a few months ago, "This is my revised fic that I am saving from the meen mods >=( ". I don't remember if that was exactly as it was posted, or if that smiley was in it, but you get the idea. Although, I'm not trying to "save" it from "mean" mods; in fact, I want reviews for it. If the only review you are willing to post for my fic is snarky and full of "OMG U suck!", then I'm fine with that as long as you tell me exactly why I suck. So, essentially, I'm opening myself up to destructive criticism as well as constructive. (Constructive is preferred still, however.)​

    Chapter 11: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

    Jeff and Katy walked down the path towards Viridian City, cautiously watching the side of the route for wild Pokemon as they ventured on. They had spent nearly two and a half hours on the route without seeing a single Pokemon; not even a Pidgey showed its feathers to the two teenagers. Jeff was growing agitated, eager to catch one with his new Charmander but unable to find a single Pokemon anywhere. Likewise, Katy was growing weary of searching, only wanting to stop and play with her Totodile. Soon they began to argue, both trying to make the other see their point. Neither of them were successful.​

    "We need to keep looking for Pokemon!" Jeff exclaimed. "We need more if we want to keep ourselves safe on our way to the first gym!" His face was red with frustration and his eyes were narrowed to slits, glaring at Katy with impatience.​

    "Jeff, we have plenty of time to find new Pokemon," Katy reasoned. "For now we should just sit down and enjoy the afternoon. Besides, I don't see how a Pidgey will be able to beat that... thing that destroyed the lab." She turned away, pretending to ignore Jeff's angry gaze. Jeff just walked around her and faced her once more.​

    "There are more than just Pidgey here, and Pidgeott is a good Pokemon to have later on!" Jeff fumed, determined not to lose the argument. "Once I catch a Pokemon, I promise that we'll stop and take a rest."​

    "That's what you said half an hour ago," Katy reminded him. "Look, still no Pokemon to be found. What happens if we never find a Pokemon for you to catch? Will we just walk around in endless circles for the remainder of time, letting that weird creature destroy the world?" She paused to let the logic sink into Jeff's brain. However, he dismissed it with a wave of his hand.​

    "Don't be silly, we won't wander around forever; I need to eat sometime," Jeff said innocently. He didn't seem to realize that he had made a mistake in saying this. Katy, however, became instantly infuriated.​

    "Why yes, everything is all about you," Katy said angrily. "We'll stop when you want to eat, when you want to rest, when you want to take a break." She enunciated each point with a stomp to the ground, leaving a shoe print in the soft ground.​

    "What's wrong with that?" Jeff asked, obviously not getting the point.​

    "Just go," Katy ordered. "When you find your precious Pokemon, then you can return. I, for one, am going to rest and get ready for the rest of the trip to Viridian."​

    "Fine," Jeff growled, walking away from Katy. "I guess I'll see you later then." He stormed off without a glance back.​

    "Later is right," Katy mumbled under her breath. "I think I'm looking at two hours of uninterrupted rest."​

    ***********************************

    Jeff followed the path absentmindedly, angrily stewing over the argument he and Katy had just had. He couldn't understand what her problem was; earlier that day they had been joking around and having fun, now they were fighting and exasperated with each other. "Why did she suddenly change her mood?" he asked himself. "Did I do something wrong?"​

    He continued down the path, oblivious to his surroundings and forgetting all about his goal. Angry thoughts continued to build up in his mind, and he kicked a rock out of frustration. The rock, however, refused to budge and left Jeff hobbling and howling in pain from stubbing his toe. Even angrier now, he bent over to pick up and throw the rock. As his hands got near it though, the rock turned around and slapped his hands aside.​

    "What the hell?" Jeff cursed. "Rocks aren't supposed to fight back!" He stepped back, now afraid, and examined the rock from afar. He could see that it had a main body and what looked like two arms. On the body appeared to be a curved mouth and large, white eyes with tiny black pupils set into them. The surface of the rock was rough and jagged in many places with areas that looked ready to break off at any moment.​

    "This can't be real," Jeff whispered. "There is no way that a rock could be alive." With those words, the rock attacked. It used its bulky arms to propel itself towards Jeff and, with one swift movement, threw itself at him. Jeff just barely managed to jump out of the path of the flying rock, falling on the ground and hurting his left arm in the process. Thinking quickly, he grabbed a Pokeball from his belt and threw it at the rock. It absorbed the rock, but the rock quickly broke free. Jeff cursed under his breath.​

    It looks like I might need to battle this thing, Jeff thought. Since the Pokeball worked on it, even just a little, then it can't be anything but a Pokemon. Which one is it though? I've never heard of a living rock before. I guess I'll just have to battle it to find out.

    With one decisive motion, Jeff grabbed another Pokeball at his waist and threw it at the ground. In a flash of bright light, Jeff's Charmander appeared, ready for battle​

    "Okay, Charmander," Jeff yelled. "Let's beat this thing and capture it! Use your Scratch attack!" The Charmander ran at the rock and swiped its left claw at it, trying to damage it as best as it could. The attack, however, didn't even seem to faze it. Jeff stepped back, shocked. He had expected the rock to at least flinch, but it instead retaliated by swinging one of its rocky arms at the Charmander, propelling it backwards a few feet. Charmander stood up slowly, already feeling the effects of battle. Jeff knew that if he wanted to prevent Charmander from fainting, then he would have to end the battle soon.​

    "Geo! Geo!" the rock cried, pumping its arms in an attempt to warm them up. Jeff had seen this, or something like it, on a televised battle once. If he remembered right, the announcer had called it "Focus Energy", and it was supposed to make its attack power stronger.​

    At least I know what some of this things attacks are, Jeff thought. That still brings me no closer to defeating it though. I need to figure out what I can do with Charmander to beat it now. He frantically ran through what he knew about Charmanders. Jeff knew that they were the fire type, that they could use almost every part of their body for attacking purposes, and that they could intimidate opponents into dropping their guard by growling or glaring at them. Thinking quickly, he put everything he knew into a strategy that, if executed correctly, could help him win the battle. After what seemed like an eternity of Charmander dodging the rock's attacks, Jeff was finally ready to put his Charmander on the offensive.​

    "Charmander, use Growl!" Jeff cried, beginning the first part of his plan. The Charmander stood still and growled menacingly at the approaching rock, causing it to hesitate for a split second. That split second didn't last long, however, and the rock resumed charging at Charmander. "Quickly, dodge the attack!" Jeff yelled, and Charmander jumped to the left as the rock occupied the space that Charmander had just left. The Charmander didn't get away unscathed, however, as the rock managed to just barely scrape the tail of the Charmander. The fire Pokemon let out a surprised yelp, causing it to lose balance and crash into the ground. The rock took opportunity of this and slammed a fist into the vulnerable Charmander.​

    "Char!" the Charmander yelled in pain. The rock continued to beat on the Charmander, doing everything it could to make Charmander faint.​

    Jeff ran toward his fallen Pokemon as fast as he could, determined to free it of the rock's deadly barrage of fists. As he approached the two dueling Pokemon, he commanded his Charmander to use an Ember attack. Charmander obeyed, but the stream of fire that erupted from his mouth was feeble and did very little to the rock. However, moss that had accumulated on the rock Pokemon caught fire and continued to burn, damaging the rock even further. The rock let out a surprised yell and pushed itself away from the Charmander.​

    "Geo!" the rock Pokemon cried as it tried to escape the battle. However, the burning moss took its toll on it and the rock was soon too weak to get away. Jeff pulled out another empty Pokeball and threw it at the weakened Pokemon, certain now that it would be caught. Again, the rock Pokemon was absorbed into the Pokeball, but unlike before, it didn't have enough energy to break free. After a few seconds of shaking, the LED button on the front of the ball glowed red, signaling that the Pokemon was caught.​

    Jeff approached the ball, unable to believe that he had caught his first Pokemon. He picked up the ball and examined it, marveling at the rock Pokemon he could see through the semi-transparent red dome. He looked closer at it to get a better look, and noticed that it was still burning inside the ball. Ugency gripped him as he realized that he needed to get to a Pokemon center. He quickly ran over to his Charmander and examined it for injuries, noting a bruised left ribcage and several cuts along its body.​

    "You did great, buddy," Jeff applauded. "I'm going to make sure that you get a good, long rest before you need to battle again."​

    "Char! Char!" his Charmander approved, smiling. Jeff took the Charmander's Pokeball from his belt and recalled it, admiring the red beam of light that pulled the Pokemon into the ball. He replaced the Pokeball to his belt and ran off toward the camp him and Katy had set up.​

    ****************************************​

    Katy lay on her back, resting as she waited for Jeff to get back from his adventure in the woods. She sighed as she thought about how rash he could be, and wished that he would spend more time with her. She had thought about telling him how she felt, but he gave no indication that he felt the same way.​

    I can't blame him, she thought. I wouldn't like myself that way either. I'm just not good enough for him.

    Tears came to her eyes as she let her thoughts wander. He's always been too good for me, even when we were younger. He never got in any trouble, he always spoke his mind, and he befriended everyone he met, regardless of popularity. Her heart raced as she thought about the first day she had met him.​

    We were both so young, she thought. I held dearly the thought that we would be together one day, that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend, but those were silly ideas held by a lovestruck girl.

    Her thoughts gradually ceased as she dozed further and further into sleep. I thought that he might like me... but I seem to be wrong, she thought before succumbing to sleep.​

    ***************************************​

    Katy looked at the boys around her, each telling her that they didn't want her hanging out with Jeff any longer. Katy didn't try to argue this; she was far too used to being shunned. She was at the point where she didn't care that she had few friends, as long as they were true friends and not fake in any way, so when the boys approached her and said that they didn't want her getting involved with someone in their "group", she didn't try to defend herself. She only nodded meekly and held her head down.​

    Only one girl had joined the boys in this mission, and that was the one girl that Katy couldn't stand above all others: Emily Wickfield. Emily had openly bragged to every other girl in the school, including Katy, that she was going to ask Jeff to the school dance in a few weeks. No other girl argued with her; Emily was the most beautiful girl in the school by far. This knowledge had deterred Katy from her own plans of asking Jeff to the dance. She was sure that he would choose Emily over her any without hesitation.​

    Emily stood watching and listening to the conversation between the boys and Katy with a slight smile on her face, as if she were enjoying watching Katy being ostracized. However, when Katy failed to cry or argue, Emily seemed to grow frustrated and soon became involved in the ostracism too.​

    "You see, we don't want you to ruin Jeff's reputation," Emily sneered, trying to find just the right button to press that would cause Katy to run away bawling. "I mean, look, he's the most popular boy in the whole school, and if he were to hang out with you, the least popular person in school, even at home, then that ruins his image. If his image was ruined, then he would be probably be angry at you and move away."​

    "I...I'm sorry, I don't want that to happen," Katy said sadly.​

    "Of course you don't, and we don't either. Now, new girl, if I were you, then I would stay away from him as much as possible," Emily continued to taunt. "That means no sitting by him, no calling him, no talking to him at all. Got that?"​

    "Ye...Yeah," Katy answered, her voice breaking a little. However, she wasn't crying, and Emily was not to be denied tears.​

    "Listen up, you wench," Emily began, but she was cut off by one of the boys.​

    "Hey, I think she's had enough," the boy interrupted. "I'm pretty sure she gets the idea, and no need to call her a wench."​

    "I don't think she has had enough!" Emily screamed, bringing in the stares of everyone on the playground. "I'll show you!" With that exclamation, Emily jumped at Katy and pushed her to the ground. She grabbed Katy's hair with one hand and began punching her in the face with the other. Katy tried to put her arms up to block Emily's fists, but Emily only shoved them aside and resumed her barrage of punches on Katy's face. Katy began crying loudly, but instead of pacifying the crazed Emily, it only caused her to punch harder and faster.​

    The assault continued for a what seemed like forever until Emily was yanked off of her. Katy looked up from eyes swollen from tears and abuse to see Jeff pushing Emily away from Katy. Katy was astounded; she had never thought that anyone would do that for her.​

    "What the hell are you thinking?" Jeff yelled at Emily, red in the face from anger and eyes wide with rage. "Answer me!"​

    "I was only doing this for your own good," Emily said, as if that were the obvious answer.​

    "For my own good? For my own good?!?" Jeff yelled even more angrily. "Tell me how this is benefits me, or anyone for that matter! Tell me how this can be justified!"​

    "She was going to ruin your reputation!" Emily shot back. "I didn't want to see you lose your popularity!"​

    "Did you think for even one second that I care about my popularity?" Jeff asked. "Did you ever wonder if I liked hanging out with Katy?"​

    "Why would you?" Emily asked. "She's so weird; I don't know how anyone can stand to be her friend"​

    Jeff shook his head sadly. "Then you are too intolerant for my taste. Until you get over yourself and learn to accept people who happen to be a little different, then just stay away from me," Jeff said calmly. "That goes for everyone else too. If none of you can accept that I am friends with Katy, then just leave me alone. I'm tired of hearing crap about how my reputation is going to suffer from this choice. Besides, real friends wouldn't judge me based on who I choose to hang out with. They should judge me for who I am, nothing more."​

    "I... I can accept that, Jeff," came a voice from the crowd around him.​

    Jeff smiled when he saw the source of the voice. "I'm glad that you feel that way, Jared. Now, I'm going to take Katy to the nurse to make sure she's okay. I'm also going to report Emily to the school officials. I would expect a suspension, Emily," Jeff informed the crowd as he helped Katy to her feet. Katy leaned on his shoulder, appearing on the verge of collapse, and Jeff carried her to the school without looking back.​

    The crowd dispersed after Jeff left, many of the students muttering to themselves and deciding what to do about this predicament.​

    ***************************************​

    Katy was awakened from her slumber by the sound of crashing steps approaching. Her half-opened eyes scanned the path, searching for the source of the noise. She saw Jeff almost immediately. He was running down the path carrying two Pokeballs in his hands. She could barely make out a worried expression on his face, and judging by the speed at which he approached, she could guess that it had to do with whatever was in the Pokeballs.​

    Katy got to her feet quickly and gathered up the items strewn about the site. Jeff arrived before she had been able to gather everything up and helped her finish packing the items. Katy looked questioningly at him as he did this, but he refused to reveal what was wrong.​

    As soon as everything was ready, Jeff took off with Katy following him. She tired quickly, but Jeff kept pace with little effort. Katy marveled at how easily he seemed to keep stride, how his pace didn't taper off as hers began to. It was pretty obvious that he had been a somewhat decent distance runner in track, but Katy had been anything but. Jeff noticed Katy's decline in pace and slowed down to match her. Jeff continued to push Katy harder and harder, and after what seemed like forever they approached Viridian City.​

    They finally slowed down to a fast walk, and while she was catching her breath, Katy examined the city that lay before her.​

    The first building she saw was the Pokemon Center, which lie near the entrance to the city. Beyond that were a few houses along the winding road, a Pokemart to the northeast, and a Pokemon Gym at the other side of the city. The Pokemon Center seemed to be their destination, so Katy altered her path to more directly lead her there. Jeff did the same.​

    After a minute or two of walking, they finally reached the Pokemon Center. The building was modeled after a Pokeball, with a red roof and a white body. A few tinted windows on the roof suggested that the interior received some natural light along with the artificial that came standard in most modern buildings while it would be nigh impossible for anything on the outside of the building to see in without entering through the door. The door itself was made of a sturdy metal that seemed to be tempered for the purpose of protection from criminals. On the left side of the door were the letters "PC", which obviously meant that it was a Pokemon Center. The right side of the building, however, was bare, excluding some profanity carved into the paint on the steel.​

    Upon further inspection of the door, they realized that they needed to insert their trainer I.D.'s before they could enter. Jeff reached into his back pocket and pulled out his brown wallet, which had a design of a Feebas, and took his I.D. from that. He studied the diagram before inserting the I.D., but that did nothing to prevent it from being instantly spit out. A display above the slot flashed the message "Sorry, but your trainer I.D. has either been disabled or you have inserted it the wrong way. Please check the direction you are inserting it and try again."​

    "Just like an ATM," Jeff muttered, and inserted it again. This time, the display flashed "scanning" and the door opened before ejecting the I.D. again. Jeff and Katy entered the Pokemon Center and proceeded to make their way to the counter.​

    Behind the counter sat a nurse with styled pink hair accompanied by a Chansey. She wore a wide smile on her face and greeted the pair as they approached the counter.​

    "Hello, and welcome to our Pokemon Center. Would you like us to heal your Pokemon using our new Regeneration machine?" the nurse asked.​

    "Umm, how does it work?" Jeff asked cautiously.​

    "Well, we place the Pokeballs into the top here," she said, pointing to a strange machine with six sphere-shaped slots in it. "Then, we press a button and it heals the Pokemon."​

    "Is it guaranteed to heal my Pokemon completely?" Jeff asked, narrowing his eyes.​

    "Well, there is a slight chance that it might not work," the nurse admitted.​

    "What are the chances?" Jeff pressed.​

    "About twenty percent of Pokemon that are placed in the chamber fail to be healed," the nurse said, the smile now replaced with a defeated frown. "However, this in no way inhibits Chanseys ability to heal them. Would you like to give it a try?" she asked.​

    "I guess as long as nothing bad happens, then I can give it a try," Jeff answered. "Here are my Pokemon. This one is a Charmander," he said, handing her the fire Pokemon's ball first. "This one, however, I am not sure of. I just caught it and I don't know what species it is," he admitted.​

    "I'll take a look," the nurse said. She pressed the LED button on the front of the ball and the rock Pokemon appeared, still burning from the ember attack.​

    "It still hasn't stopped burning yet?" Jeff wondered aloud.​

    "Oh my! Chansey, quick, use Water Pulse on that Geodude!" the nurse called out. The Chansey immediately sucked in the air around it and expelled quick pulses of water from its mouth. The water connected with the Geodude's body and doused the fire, leaving the Geodude in a puddle of water.​

    "Wait, did you say Geodude?" Jeff asked.​

    "Yes, this rock Pokemon is a Geodude. It usually lives in mountains and caves, but from time to time it can be found in a grassy field. Where did you find this Geodude at?" the nurse asked.​

    "I found it on the route between Pallet Town and here," Jeff replied. "I kicked it out of frustration, not knowing what it was, and it attacked me. I was forced to battle it, and that's how it caught on fire."

    "I see," the nurse replied. She returned the Geodude to the Pokeball and placed both the Geodude's Pokeball and the Charmander's Pokeball into the regeneration chamber. She closed the lid and pressed a large silver button, activating the machine. The chamber began pulsating with a bluish light, which continued for a few minutes before gradually fading away. When the blue light ceased to flash any longer, the nurse opened the chamber and retrieved the Pokeballs. She released them from the spheres and proceeded to examine them.​

    "Well?" Jeff asked anxiously. "How does it look?"

    "Well," the nurse began, standing straight up, "the Charmander seems to have healed completely, while the Geodude resisted the healing energy from the chamber. That means that you can take Charmander with you right now if you want, but Geodude needs to stay with me for the night while Chansey heals it."

    "Okay," Jeff replied, downcast. "I really wanted to train with Geodude tonight though."​

    "I wouldn't train with either one tonight anyway," the nurse replied. "Both will need a good nights rest. I would suggest keeping them out of their Pokeballs until they are fully recuperated."​

    "Alright, that shouldn't be any problem," Jeff said. "By the way, do you know if there is a room we can rent for the night around here? We need to stay here until Geodude is better, and I doubt we can make it to Pewter before dark anyway."​

    "Well, the Pokemon Center rents out free rooms to trainers, but we only allow you to stay one night for free before paying. We have a room available right now if you would like it," the nurse answered.​

    "At least that means I'll be close to my Pokemon," Jeff said, relieved. "So yeah, I'd like to see these rooms."​

    "Okay, follow me," the nurse replied. She led them to an escalator that went up to the second floor of the Pokemon Center. When they reached the second floor, they followed the nurse down a hallway to a door with the number five emblazoned on it. She opened the door to the room to reveal a simple room with a couch, two beds, a table, and two chairs. They walked in and surveyed the surroundings.​

    "This seems like a very nice room; thank you," Katy said. "I think we will sleep very well tonight."​

    "I'm glad you like it," the nurse said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to check on the status of your Pokemon. Here is your room key, and feel free to come and go as you please. We just ask that you be back before 10 PM so we can maintain a more secure Pokemon Center."​

    "Oh, that's all right by me," Jeff said. "I'll be back by nine just to be safe."​

    "I don't mind either," Katy replied. "I think I'm actually just going to crash right now if that's alright."​

    "That is perfectly all right," the nurse replied. "I'll see you two later. I have Pokemon to look after." With that, the nurse took off.​

    Jeff took out his essentials and left the room, telling Katy that he was going to check out the city. After Katy had finished unpacking her things, she lay on the bed and thought again of the day Jeff had stood up for her. As she thought about this, she again began to fall asleep. Her last thoughts before losing consciousness were I hope I can find some way to repay him for all he's done for me...

    ********************************

    I post at the most inconvenient times LOL.​
     
    Last edited:

    bobandbill

    one more time
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    Years
  • Yay for an update. Finally. :P Although we all have our multiple-month-long breaks, I'm sure. :)

    Pretty good despite the break - decent description, and the story moved nicely, I felt. Interesting revelation regard Katy - and at least you show that her feelings for Jeff aren't sudden but have been occuring for a while (which is just as well as sudden feelings for a protagonist developed on the spot are rather unrealistic...). On that, I'd have thought that she would have thought in slight regret over the arguement, but that was strangely absent from her thoughts... but otherwise good. Jeff and Katy do feel somewhat more developed and all, so good job on that. A tad more mistakes then you committed before, but more on that later, and a fair few scenes that were quite clean as well.

    Yay for a Geodude as well - nice protrayal of the weird floating rock with arms. :) I don't see too much of it in fics either, so shall be interesting.

    Description was decent - however in a few moments, just felt that a tad more could be used; a bit more showing of how people react, for instance. I'll mention an example soon.
    Speaking of examples...
    "We'll need more if we have any hope of saving the world!"
    Eh, Jeff seems a bit too eager and excited and accepting about having to save the world there, IMO, in the way he mentioned it... :/ Especially as after that scene there is nothing said or thought from him about the subject. Eh, just some random feeling I got. 'We need to save the world!!!1!!1!' is a bit of a 'meh' thing to read about, after all. -_-
    "Don't be silly, we won't wander around forever; I need to eat sometime," Jeff said innocently.​

    "Why yes, everything is all about you," Katy said angrily. "We'll stop when you want to eat, when you want to rest, when you want to take a break."​

    "What's wrong with that?" Jeff asked, obviously not getting what was wrong with it.​

    "Just go," Katy ordered. "When you find your precious Pokemon, then you can return. I, for one, am going to rest and get ready for the rest of the trip to Viridian."​

    "Fine," Jeff growled, walking away from Katy. "I guess I'll see you later then."

    "Later is right," Katy mumbled under her breath. "I think I'm looking at two hours of uninterrupted rest."
    Ok, example where you could use a bit more description. Here, you mention how they speak - ordered, growled, 'said angrily'... but there little/no actions here either. Maybe show us a bit more of how they react (more on how he 'walk(ed) away from Katy' - stormed off or something? Maybe they sighed in annoyance, maybe one frowned at the other?) when they say their lines, in addition to you simply telling us how they said things.
    "Sometimes I just don't get women," Jeff said to himself. "What makes them think that they are always right? Is there something I missed?"
    ...

    I didn't think he was THAT much of an adult, or would have had so much experiances with women to think such a thing, nor why he would anyway after this one incident. It doesn't seem to fit with him at all, tbh... :/ Feels out of place, and not right. Maybe rethink the need for him to express his annoyance in such a way - it also serves to make Jeff a bit less unlikeable and doesn't really fit previous protrayals with him. I dunno, maybe it has been too long a while, but it just feels... off.
    Charmander stood up slowly, already feeling the affects of battle.
    Effects over affects.
    If he remembered right, the announcer had called it "Focus Energy", and it was supposed to make its attack power stronger.
    Use quotation marks for dialogue only, rather then signs or things previously said in such a way. Not a hard and fast rule, just a suggestion - but one tends to do that.

    "Charmander, use Growl!" Jeff cried, beginning the first part of his plan.
    The Charmander stood still and growled menacingly at the approaching rock, causing it to hesitate for a split second. That split second didn't last long, however, and the rock resumed charging at Charmander. "Quickly, dodge the attack!" Jeff yelled, and Charmander jumped to the left as the rock occupied the space that Charmander had just left. The Charmander didn't get away unscathed, however, as the rock managed to just barely scrape the tail of the Charmander. The fire Pokemon let out a surprised yelp, causing it to lose balance and crash into the ground. The rock took opportunity of this and slammed a fist into the vulnerable Charmander.
    Sentence lengths here bordering on being too similar to one another - all basically medium-lengthed sentences, with nary a short one to break it up anywhere, just a few longer-medium ones. Mix it up just a bit more. But I thought the battle was good. Maybe you could have mentioned the moss on the Geodude beforehand though; seemed too convinent oherwise, that the fire attack happened to work because it just happened to have some moss on it.
    The rock continued to beat on the Charmander, doing every thing it could to make Charmander faint.
    'Every thing' should be as one word (everything).

    On the left side of the door were the letters "PC", which obviously meant that it was a Pokemon Center.
    Again - suggest using quotation marks for dialogue only.

    "Sorry, but your trainer I.D. Has either been disabled or you have inserted it the wrong way.
    Sentence doesn't end at 'I.D.', so get rid of the capital there.

    This time, the display flashed "scanning" and the door opened before it ejected the I.D. Again.
    See previous two quotes - combination of the last two mistakes here.

    "About twenty out of one hundred Pokemon that enter the Regeneration Machine die from internal resistance," the nurse said, the smile now replaced with a defeated frown.
    This I definately question. OBJECTION! I for one, find it highly unlikely that they would willingly implement such a machine which has such a high failure rating. Twenty out of one hundred = evey 1 in 5 die. That's very high, and as such would deem the Regeneration Machine as entirely unsafe. No organisation would think of using such a thing (especailly if they already have a system in healing Pokemon anyways via Chansey), especially as from all canons one gets the feeling that Pokemon are seemingly held in high regard, and as such well cared for.


    It just seems highly illogical that they would let a machine like this get into the public with such a high risk ratio. Not to mention that that's only the death ratio - one would think that there would be another precentage that suffer injury instead of dying as well as possibly getting healed instead. I'd suggest rethinking this, and removing that - too unrealistic and there are other ways to work around that if you want to have Jeff's Pokemon get the Chansey treatement instead.

    And that's all. Generally pretty good and not too rusty idea - a bit more showing of actions though would improve this a bit, as well as a minor rethink of things here and there. Yay for character development - good job overall. Keep it up!
     
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