An idea for all to participate in ....

Impo said:

i have been trying to edit them, i have the other gym leaders on my computer :P .

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...Um, not to be mean or anything, but I'm just wondering if you actually read much of what I have to say. =| No, seriously. I'm actually curious about that. You seemed to completely ignore that bit in my first post to this thread where I suggested you save your work to your own computer instead of try to use "I had to go out" as an excuse for why your ideas haven't been more carefully formed.

I'm suggesting that you not continuously edit everything. Rather, stop and develop your ideas more carefully. Sit down and actually write more out -- more details about your plot, what you're trying to do, what have you -- in a document and save it to your own computer, not to the forum. Post in the appropriate section only when you've got something coherent put together.

i have been thinking about the story heaps, but i was gonna explain all that in the 1st Chapter :P

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*facepalm* What are you trying to do, exactly? I ask because you said you wanted this thread to move to the RPG forum a couple posts ago, and RPGs run on different principles. (That is, even if you're the game master, you need to detail the synopsis and the basics of what's going on in the first post because your story will be built by your players, not so much you.)

In other words, if you're running an RPG, you'll need to actually tell your players what kind of world this is, where they come in in the grand scheme of things, and so on and so forth. Otherwise, they have no idea what they're doing or what kinds of characters would be best for your type of game. Go look at some of the RPs in the RP forum to see how things are usually formatted.

Otherwise, if you're working on a fanfiction and not an RPG, then other than proofreading, a couple extra tips before I can get into commenting on the story itself:

1. Hit the enter key twice whenever you want to start a new paragraph. This makes your work more readable.

2. Forget the character bios. All of your character details should be brought up in your story anyway, so it's not really necessary.

3. Description. Your story seems to lack it, so you end up relying on vague phrases like "complicated machine" and "oddly-coloured Abra." Readers can't really envision what either mean. A complicated machine to them might be a toaster, and an oddly-colored Abra might be a purple Abra with pink polka dots (and not the shiny you probably meant). Be as specific as possible when it comes to detail so your reader can get a good grasp on what they're supposed to be imagining.

4. Beware of clichés like "a dark and stormy night." This tends to make people not want to take your writing seriously because it's been done so often that kind of thing comes off as a parody.

And, of course, I could make a note about the plot so far, but I'd like to see if you're actually going to keep this thread. You seem to put yourself down a lot, so it tends to raise red flags for potential to want to start over, if that makes sense.

Also, incidentally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but that smiley you keep using at us basically means you're sticking your tongue out at us. =| If you want us to take you seriously, could you please not use it as a form of punctuation?

JX Valentine said:

...Um, not to be mean or anything, but I'm just wondering if you actually read much of what I have to say. =| No, seriously. I'm actually curious about that. You seemed to completely ignore that bit in my first post to this thread where I suggested you save your work to your own computer instead of try to use "I had to go out" as an excuse for why your ideas haven't been more carefully formed.

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sorry, i am reading all of what you say, as i take your helping me a big favour :)
i just dont reply to it all, my bad :S

JX Valentine said:

I'm suggesting that you not continuously edit everything. Rather, stop and develop your ideas more carefully. Sit down and actually write more out -- more details about your plot, what you're trying to do, what have you -- in a document and save it to your own computer, not to the forum. Post in the appropriate section only when you've got something coherent put together.

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thank you for the help, i will take that suggestion ;) .
now that i look at it i havent made much clear,
and can i ask you something? should i extend my prologue a little, to make things more
clear, and whats things should i touch up on, as i wrote it i cant really make the
accurate decisions :\

JX Valentine said:

*facepalm* What are you trying to do, exactly? I ask because you said you wanted this thread to move to the RPG forum a couple posts ago, and RPGs run on different principles. (That is, even if you're the game master, you need to detail the synopsis and the basics of what's going on in the first post because your story will be built by your players, not so much you.)

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well, i dont think i grasp the definitions of RPG/Fanfic, so i guess i will explain it in my own words :P . It's meant to be a story where others can come in and add to the story, becoming protagonists, evil people, etc.. i have read the RPG rules thoroughly and i believe this would fit more in the RPG, after i touch it up

JX Valentine said:

In other words, if you're running an RPG, you'll need to actually tell your players what kind of world this is, where they come in in the grand scheme of things, and so on and so forth. Otherwise, they have no idea what they're doing or what kinds of characters would be best for your type of game. Go look at some of the RPs in the RP forum to see how things are usually formatted.

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oh, i finally see whats been bothering my story (i think :P ), i'll just read through all of the RPGs i can find and confirm my suspicions :) .
And for adding more detial, i believe that adding a another quick info paragraph would be much more efficient than adding on to the prologue ?

JX Valentine said:

Otherwise, if you're working on a fanfiction and not an RPG, then other than proofreading, a couple extra tips before I can get into commenting on the story itself:

1. Hit the enter key twice whenever you want to start a new paragraph. This makes your work more readable.

2. Forget the character bios. All of your character details should be brought up in your story anyway, so it's not really necessary.

3. Description. Your story seems to lack it, so you end up relying on vague phrases like "complicated machine" and "oddly-coloured Abra." Readers can't really envision what either mean. A complicated machine to them might be a toaster, and an oddly-colored Abra might be a purple Abra with pink polka dots (and not the shiny you probably meant). Be as specific as possible when it comes to detail so your reader can get a good grasp on what they're supposed to be imagining.

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i admit i may be lacking description, but the reason i called Abra 'oddly coloured' is because my character has never seen a shiny pokemon and therefore can't elaborate what abras technical name is. and for adding more detial, will do :D .

JX Valentine said:

4. Beware of clichés like "a dark and stormy night." This tends to make people not want to take your writing seriously because it's been done so often that kind of thing comes off as a parody.

And, of course, I could make a note about the plot so far, but I'd like to see if you're actually going to keep this thread. You seem to put yourself down a lot, so it tends to raise red flags for potential to want to start over, if that makes sense.

Also, incidentally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but that smiley you keep using at us basically means you're sticking your tongue out at us. =| If you want us to take you seriously, could you please not use it as a form of punctuation?

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gahh, the cliches :P . im having a hard time finding replacements for them, though, as they best fit the description.
i will keep this thread, if not i will probably ask someone else to take over,
but i do enjoy making my own pokemon story, and nno doubt this will help with my english LAN test in the future ;) , i put myself down for my mistakes. but dont let that fool you, i am very optimistic and believe in my thread 110% :D .
oh, sorry :( , i dont mean the smilies as a form of insult,
considering a value your comments very much, and, lets face it,
im the lower class writer here ;) . i use the tongue smily to indicate a joke,
no insults intended :)

Narcissus Secret said:

Impo, your idea won't really work, what you want is an RP without having to deal with making it. But, if say, the story was to remain the same, the same protagonist, bad guy, and etc. and each person wrote the next chapter, I think it would be fine. But, you would have to ask Astinus. That is, because it is more like a Fan Fiction game, the sort of which(or something similar) has been allowed in the past. So yeah I hope that makes sense. Also, should you choose to remain with this idea, make a new thread. But, give it a better title, use the first post for rules and etc. I can help you, should you need it.

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i will need it, it would be awesome if you can help :D .
i'm gonna keep the prologue the same, but i'm gonna add some more detail and edit all mistakes and grammatical errors. i just did a LAN test in english and writing :) , so i should be able to pick some errors up :D

this looks interesting, i'd like to join!

also, i think you should change the name of "Griss" to "Chris" (sounds more real) - but i'm just bouncing ideas

as another Idea, perhaps you could include a character i've been developing in it somewhere (he isn't a main Character, but could easily be mistaken for a bad guy)

in the RP, make sure he is reffered to as "The Dark" - but if you look at my Group "Dark Trainers" (you don't have to join) you can see a Bio of him, he still is a work in progress, though.

hit me up when the new thread starts

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