Darkinium Z

Dani California
Seen 18 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Day Ago
5,776 posts
13.5 Years
Hi, so I noticed you put Chapter One along with the Prologue! Dropping by to say while putting a Prologue and Chapter One in one post is fine, I strongly recommend having the next chapters after that be their own seperate posts. That way folks know you have updated and such. Also, you mentioned wanting to post a chapter a day. I prefer if you have the gap between chapters every few days or so. That way, you have time to proofread your story before posting, and so other readers will be able to keep up better.

Okay with that out of the way, I'm still confused where you're going with this story. We got a bit of a look into the narrator and their mother's lives, even if the beginning seems to be a dream again. I too was taken aback by barely any dialog happening. Usually you can give so much personality to a character with dialog! You don't have to change that in the first chapter, just putting it out there.

Don't take this personally, but I'm not exactly hooked yet. I might passively keep an eye on this for a few more chapters, so I still encourage you to see this through as much you liked! Again, good luck!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]