[Pokémon] Indigo's Story (G)

Kitkat315 · Dec 21, 2012

Hello! This is my first Fanfic, and my first post on Pokécommunity other than my introduction, so please be gentle! I gave this a G rating since a 7-year old's mom let me read this to their kid, so it should be good on that front. I have more chapters, bur I want to see what people think before I post them. Please enjoy!

Chapter 1

"Hello, my name is Indigo. I live in a small island town called Rivedge located just South-West of Cherrygrove city in the Johto region. I am thirteen years old and have moved here from Icirrius city in Unova. Tomorrow I get my first Pokémon from Professor Juniper's second lab. She came here to study a few of the Pokémon normally native to Johto, but have appeared in Unova. We all know that it's because Elm is just focused on eggs, and pretty much nothing else. She isn't here right now, but she said her assistant, Rosa, would give me and my friends Kaiden and Nim (Who still live in Cherrygrove) our first Pokémon! Wow, it's really getting late, better go to sleep; But WHAT ARE those noises coming from the lab! Uuhg... Better sleep..." Indigo said, as she clicked off her audio journal and fell asleep.

Indigo rubbed her eyes in a futile attempt to wake up. "Why do I keep reading and journaling so late?" she wondered, trying to wake up.
After about ten minutes of trying every trick in the book, and some that weren't. Indigo succeeded in waking herself up. Calling downstairs, "Mom? Is there something I need to do this morning or did you set my alarm for fun?" "You're going to get your first Pokémon today!" Hurriedly getting dressed and running down the stairs she shouted "Professor Juniper's new lab?" "Right" "Thanks!" And she ran out the door.

Indigo ran next door to see the lab looking like someone had let Tyranitar loose again, with smoke rising from the roof and debris everywhere. "Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath. Hearing voices coming from inside, she opened the door a crack to see what was going on; and almost gasped when she saw Team Rocket uniforms! They can't be Team Rocket She thought, They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they? Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..." Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth. "Oh no..." She said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes."

There we go, I've posted it! Thanks for reading!

Volcanix769 · Dec 21, 2012

Ok, let me say this:

Even if this is your first Fan Fiction, think about your story. Does it have a good plot? Does it have any adjustments? Because, well, let me state these that I noticed.

Kitkat315 said:
Hello! This is my first Fanfic, and my first post on Pokécommunity other than my introduction, so please be gentle! I gave this a G rating since a 7-year old's mom let me read this to their kid, so it should be good. I have more chapters, bur I want to see what people think before I post them. Please enjoy!

Ok, you still need to take proper writing seriously. And even if that kid likes it, this is different. The internet is a tough world out there, though there's some people like me that are willing to see well structured stories. Now let me get started.

Kitkat315 said:
"We've recaptured the professor's assistant and taken her back to the base" the Team Rocket grunt said into his (stolen) Pokégear. "Have you retrieved the rare Pokémon yet?" A voice on the other end replied. "No, but we are in the process of searching the lab. She has to have hidden them somewhere."

Ok, this is the prologue and it made me very lost. And I have NO idea where these grunts are. Are they in their base or somewhere? And a few of your sentences are odd. The first one, which I noticed, has no period. You're lacking actions of what's going on here. Like where are they? What's going on rather them just talking?

And the last paragraph has grammar issues. It's just written improperly and it's just frustrating. Try to fix up your problems and add in detail to tell what's going on, because in the start, there's nothing there. Just nothing. Not to be rude. It should be like:
"She might have hidden them somewhere." And no need to add brackets around "Stolen.

Kitkat315 said:
"Hello, my name is Indigo. I live in a small island town called Rivedge located just South-West of Cherygrove city in the Jhoto region. I am 13 years old and have moved here from Iccirius city in Unova. Tomorrow I get my first Pokémon from Professor Juniper's second lab. She isn't here right now, but she said her assistant, Rosa, would give me and my friends Kaiden and Nim (Who still live in Cherrygrove) our first Pokémon! Wow, it's really getting late, better go to sleep; But WHAT ARE those noises coming from the lab! Uuhg... Better sleep..." Indigo said, as she clicked off her audio journal and fell asleep.

Ok, this paragraph is weird. Who is he talking to? How does he know that he talking to the readers? You better remove the quotation marks and rewrite the paragraph so it makes sense. The red bolded text is funny to read based on your grammar. Who are Kaiden and Nim? Introduce them. And in that text, it has extensive commas and it should end with a period.

And your spelling errors are more noticeable and I wonder if you proofread your story before posting this. Type this in MS Word first or your personal notepad here in your Settings Menu in this website.

Kitkat315 said:
Indigo rubbed her eyes in a futile attempt to wake up. "Why do I keep reading and journaling so late?" she wondered, trying to wake up.
After about ten minutes of trying every trick in the book (and some that weren't) Indigo succeeded in waking herself up. Calling downstairs, "Mom? Is there something I need to do this morning or did you set my alarm for fun?" "You're going to get your first Pokémon today!"Hurriedly getting dressed and running down the stairs she shouted "Professor Juniper's new lab?" "Right" "Thanks!" And she ran out the door.

Ok, this is a weird paragraph as well. The dialogue isn't well explained and they seem extremely robotic and weird. Your sentences are rushed and I prefer slowing down and at least take your time. And again, don't use brackets. You should never do that. I wonder, why aren't you even checking over.

Next, DON'T change point of views. This is very bad and very vague. I am very lost in thought in this story and you should take your time in this. I just don't know. Now on to the last one:

Kitkat315 said:
Indigo ran next door to see the lab looking like someone had let Tyranitar loose again.

The space is needed. "Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath. Hearing voices coming from inside, she opened the door a crack to see what was going on; and almost gasped when she saw Team Rocket uniforms!

The space is needed. "They can't be Team Rocket" She thought, "They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they?" Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something.

The space is needed. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..." Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth. "Oh no..." She said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes"

Ok, you forgot a few periods in the end of your dialogue. You might want to fix them. The next one with the ";" wasn't needed. It should end with a comma or period. Just reading this is weird.

Overall, you need a lot of improvements in your story. I'm not saying this to insult you however, but it's true. If you want to take proper writing and stories seriously, don't give up and try to make it as perfect and good that you can, because you're not trying hard and you just did this for yourself, huh?

The story is very short and lacks in detail. I wasn't even hooked and there's no grabbing point. There's a lot of grammar problems, including spelling. There's no detail or flavor that's in this story. It's just a draft. Not your best, and I hope that you want to fix those. Revamp your story and we'll see.

For now, go to the Writer's Lounge. to get an idea.

Kitkat315 · Dec 21, 2012

Ok, first off thanks for the criticism, it was actually helpful! :) I wanted to post it here to see how I did, and I guess I need to work on it more. And that's fine!
Onto some of the errors you pointed out,

Ok, you still need to take proper writing seriously. And even if that kid likes it, this is different. The internet is a tough world out there, though there's some people like me that are willing to see well structured stories. Now let me get started.

I meant in terms of how I rated it, not how good it was. Sorry!

Ok, this is the prologue and it made me very lost. And I have NO idea where these grunts are. Are they in their base or somewhere? And a few of your sentences are odd. The first one, which I noticed, has no period. You're lacking actions of what's going on here. Like where are they? What's going on rather them just talking?

And the last paragraph has grammar issues. It's just written improperly and it's just frustrating. Try to fix up your problems and add in detail to tell what's going on, because in the start, there's nothing there. Just nothing. Not to be rude. It should be like:
"She might have hidden them somewhere." And no need to add brackets around "Stolen.

I was never sure how well that part flowed, and as for where they are, I wanted him to be in the lab, searching for the thing that they are looking for. I tried to use the brackets to add extra info, but if they don't work, then I shall fry them with the delete key!

Ok, this paragraph is weird. Who is he talking to? How does he know that he talking to the readers? You better remove the quotation marks and rewrite the paragraph so it makes sense. The red bolded text is funny to read based on your grammar. Who are Kaiden and Nim? Introduce them. And in that text, it has extensive commas and it should end with a period.

And your spelling errors are more noticeable and I wonder if you proofread your story before posting this. Type this in MS Word first or your personal notepad here in your Settings Menu in this website.

I thought I caught all of the spelling errors, can you point them out so I can fix them? Also, the first paragraph is intended to be her making her first entry in her audio journal, AND an introduction to the reader. I'm sorry that it wasn't very good, I really only had friends and family to critique, and while I wasn't sure how good it was. I just REALLY wanted an outside opinion, and this seemed like a good place to get one.

Ok, this is a weird paragraph as well. The dialogue isn't well explained and they seem extremely robotic and weird. Your sentences are rushed and I prefer slowing down and at least take your time. And again, don't use brackets. You should never do that. I wonder, why aren't you even checking over.

Next, DON'T change point of views. This is very bad and very vague. I am very lost in thought in this story and you should take your time in this. I just don't know. Now on to the last one:

Sorry that it sounded robotic, though I can't figure out how you mean that. Can you explain further?
Also, it was intended to sound rushed, she's super exited and running out the door!
And finally, where did I change POV? I certainly didn't mean to do that!

Ok, you forgot a few periods in the end of your dialogue. You might want to fix them. The next one with the ";" wasn't needed. It should end with a comma or period. Just reading this is weird.

Overall, you need a lot of improvements in your story. I'm not saying this to insult you however, but it's true. If you want to take proper writing and stories seriously, don't give up and try to make it as perfect and good that you can, because you're not trying hard and you just did this for yourself, huh?

The story is very short and lacks in detail. I wasn't even hooked and there's no grabbing point. There's a lot of grammar problems, including spelling. There's no detail or flavor that's in this story. It's just a draft. Not your best, and I hope that you want to fix those. Revamp your story and we'll see.

I tried really hard to make the prologue the first grabbing point, then when she found the injured Chikorita the next, but I guess that didn't work. :(
I felt the story's chapters were a tad short, but it turns out that they were REALLY short. I guess this story wasn't as good as I thought it was, but thank you very much for the criticism! I think I'll leave this here, and post the other chapters to make it complete, and then hermit for a while to make it better. I'm sad that you didn't feel it was very good. But to make it better I have to try, right? Failure=Learning! Back to work then!

Astinus · Dec 22, 2012

When I saw your response to Volcanix's review, I knew I had to review myself. Because your attitude is amazing and should be rewarded in some way! No really. It's great to see someone be this welcoming to getting advice.

Personally, I'd say to get rid of the prologue. It's really not needed, since it doesn't add anything to the story. Pretty much as soon as Indigo gets to the lab, we find out that Team Rocket is there to steal Pokemon. Why they're doing that since they've disbanded, we don't know, but I'd guess that's one reason why Indigo goes on her journey. Still, there's some grammar errors I can point out.

"We've recaptured the professor's assistant and taken her back to the base" the Team Rocket grunt said into his (stolen) Pokégear.

You're missing a comma after "base." You should also not use parenthesis to give information to the reader that can be explained otherwise. Just say "[t]he Team Rocket grunt said into his stolen Pokegear. He left that trainer bleeding on the side of the road days ago. Kid should have just given his Pokegear to Team Rocket if he didn't want to be hurt."

Or something like that.

"Have you retrieved the rare Pokémon yet?" A voice on the other end replied. "No, but we are in the process of searching the lab. She has to have hidden them somewhere."

Don't forget that every time a new person speaks, their dialogue goes into a new paragraph.

"Hello, my name is Indigo. I live in a small island town called Rivedge located just South-West of Cherygrove city in the Jhoto region.

"southwest"
"Cherrygrove City"
"Johto"

Make sure to spell canon names correctly when writing fanfiction. It makes your fanfic look better to readers when they glance through it. Johto's a difficult region name to remember how it's spelled, but you can check either Bulbapedia or Serebii for terms.

I am 13 years old and have moved here from Iccirius city in Unova.

The rule tends to be "write out numbers less than 100", so that should be "thirteen-years-old." And it's "Icirrus City."

(I should add that Pokemon terms are really the only words misspelled, and a word processor/spell-checker might not catch those. I know OpenOffice doesn't, which is what I use.)

Tomorrow I get my first Pokémon from Professor Juniper's second lab.

I'm kind of confused here. Why does Juniper have another lab in Johto when there already is a professor that hands out starters. I could maybe understand if Indigo is on the other side of the region, but Cherrygrove and New Bark Town are rather close. It's a short walk, or there's even the option of sending Pokemon through computers if worse comes to worse. Or she could have spent the night at the house of one of her friends so she's already there in town.

It's just odd that it's Juniper who is the professor here instead of Elm.

She isn't here right now, but she said her assistant, Rosa, would give me and my friends Kaiden and Nim (Who still live in Cherrygrove) our first Pokémon!

What do you mean by "still live"? Do you just mean that they live there and never moved? Just say that they live in Cherrygrove and lose the parenthesis. This could be done by "My friends Kaiden and Nim, who live in Cherrygrove, our first Pokemon!"

Wow, it's really getting late, better go to sleep; But WHAT ARE those noises coming from the lab!

Semi-colon shouldn't have been used here, as those sentences aren't related. Also, instead of using caps lock for emphasis, use italics by using the [i]italics tags.[/i]

Calling downstairs, "Mom? Is there something I need to do this morning or did you set my alarm for fun?"

It sounds better as "She called downstairs, 'Mom?'"

Also, I'm surprised that she totally forgot about why she was going to wake up early.

"You're going to get your first Pokémon today!" Hurriedly getting dressed and running down the stairs she shouted "Professor Juniper's new lab?" "Right" "Thanks!" And she ran out the door.

Again, when a new person talks, their dialogue goes in a separate paragraph. You also forgot the comma after "shouted."

Indigo ran next door to see the lab looking like someone had let Tyranitar loose again.

Wait. The lab is right next door? How did Indigo not notice anyone breaking in? And what do you mean by someone letting a Tyranitar out again? This is the first time we've seen a Tyranitar in this story.

"Ookay, I don't think I'll be getting my first Pokémon today" she muttered under her breath.

Missed the comma after "today."

"They can't be Team Rocket" She thought, "They were disbanded twice! First 5 years ago and again 2 years ago! They really can't take a hint, can they?"

You might want to use italics for Indigo's thoughts, since using quotation marks makes it seem like she's talking out loud, despite not wanting to get caught by Team Rocket. Also, the "she" before "thought" should be lower-cased.

Breaking out of her thoughts for a moment, she heard something. "Chik... Chiiiiik... Chikorita..."

Snapping her head to look at where the sound came from, she saw a wounded Chikorita holding a dirtied Pokédex in its mouth.

"Oh no..." she said, quietly closing the door and picking the Chikorita up. "Let's get you home to bandage and put some ointment on those scrapes."

I put in bold any of the mistakes I corrected so you could see them.

Um, is she going to tell anyone about Team Rocket being back and breaking into the lab, hurting/stealing Pokemon? It seems like she just forgot about them as soon as she saw the Chikorita. Which I also ask about. How did Team Rocket miss it if they want to steal rare Pokemon? And why is Juniper handing out Chikorita when Elm is pretty much right next door doing the same thing?

Right now, there's really not a lot to comment on. The beginning sounds like a lot of trainer fics, where the new trainer is nearly late getting their first Pokemon because they couldn't sleep. They also pretty much live right next door to the starting professor of the region, and the evil team of the region is met early on in the fic, which becomes a reason why the trainer goes on their journey. That's not to say that your fic is bad for starting this way. It's just that this has been seen many times before, and you'd have to do something to make it different to readers.

One way you can do this is by maybe combining chapters. You say that you noticed that your chapters are short. Knowing when to end chapters is a good thing to learn. Right now, chapter one ends right in the middle of the action, and not in a cliffhanger way. The reader just gets frustrated by how the chapter just ends with Indigo finding Team Rocket and a Chikorita and leaving Rocket there in the lab.

Another way to solve the short chapter problem is to add more to the chapter. Describe more. Like how does Indigo feel as she's falling asleep. What does she see when she gets to the lab. Describe how the lab looks with a rampaging Tyranitar going through it. Is there a lot of smoke and dirt flying around? Is that how Indigo manages to sneak away with Chikorita, because there's so much being destroyed? How does Indigo decide to help the Chikorita rather than get at least her mother to call the police?

You can ask for a beta reader in our Beta Reader thread, which will help you out. They can look over your story before you post it to the forums, helping to catch any grammar errors or any narration points that need explaining.

I'm interested in seeing more from you! Best of luck!

Kitkat315 · Dec 22, 2012

Fixed a heap of errors, and explained more about why Juniper is here, other than the fact that I find Elm annoying and like her a lot more. :)

When I saw your response to Volcanix's review, I knew I had to review myself. Because your attitude is amazing and should be rewarded in some way! No really. It's great to see someone be this welcoming to getting advice.

Personally, I'd say to get rid of the prologue. It's really not needed, since it doesn't add anything to the story. Pretty much as soon as Indigo gets to the lab, we find out that Team Rocket is there to steal Pokemon. Why they're doing that since they've disbanded, we don't know, but I'd guess that's one reason why Indigo goes on her journey. Still, there's some grammar errors I can point out.

The reason I was so welcoming of the criticism is because of why I posted this. I wanted an opinion other than Mom's! How many errors and plot holes I have left means I have more fun to have writing this story! One last thing, is that that helps me have that attitude about the flops, is an image that found floating around on a funny pictures app. I don't believe that I can attach it, I don't have it on this device. But here is what it said:
FAIL
First
Attempt
In
Learning

Thanks for all the advice!

EDIT: After some pondering, I think the other reason this needs so much work is that it's just made the trasnition from daydream to Fanfic, and the stuff I can see in my head isn't just going to magicly appear for everyone else. Need to work on that one. :s Not sure how yet.

[Pokémon] Indigo's Story (G)

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Kitkat315

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Volcanix769

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Kitkat315

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Astinus

Kitkat315

Crazy Cat Lady