Lily
◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
- 3,329
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- New Joisey
- Seen Feb 27, 2017
Loooong post.
--comments ¤
lily
Yes, we're finally done! =3 ♥ Thank you for your patience (hopefully) thus far. ^-^ To decrease the amount of biased thoughts, I'll go in chronological order + try to do this in an orderly fashion...too much information. ;; Remember, 22sa only commented on his top three.
Also, all the judges chose their top three; I simply averaged it out to pick out the winner.
dactylus
My top three! Bow down, cretins, as I reveal the fruits of careful procrastina- er, consideration and thought! Yeah. All winners can see why they were selected in my comments.
The third prize (or rather, the thing nobody really wants to get but they act ecstatic when they do for some stupid reason) goes to: blackhaert!
The second prize (which is basically the one where people congratulate you for one day then sort of forget about you as they bask in the radiant glow of the real winner) is granted to: Rolling Pichu!
The first prize (or rather, the only one that matters) is awarded, with my sincere (and probably worthless) congratulations, to: Akinari!
Okay you little lemurs, you, here are some more detailed reviews. Also, you might be offended. Yeah, there you go, a disclaimer. Also, I don't review a lot, so don't expect anything technical, these are just my thoughts. ((Note: Lily forbade me from flaming people, so you prolly WON'T be offended unless you're overly sensitive.))
If it were up to me, I would lower each of your scores down a few dozen points for writing poetry in the first place, by the way. Cheers!
The rest: is history.
Eliana [Arbeit Macht Frei]
Paul
It was an ok poem, but I've read better pieces from you. By choosing to do the Holocaust, I think you got too emotionally involved, and it kind of blinded you. It got very repetitive, and in a poem length like that, it's something you desperately want to stay away from...unless you make it intentional. Yours didn't seem intentional, nor did it add to the piece. Stating over and over what happened to them was a bit much too. You factored in shock value, which had no place in your poem. Make it tragic, but don't make it gory.
[ 47% ]
Dactylus
Wow. Wow. You know what? I just looked over yours and immediately got discouraged from reading it. That thing is too bloody long. It was interesting, and I suppose it was an accurate homage to what happened, so for that I give you credit. Also, you obviously know what you're doing (at least to a moderate extent) in poetry, yet again more credit. But, I'm sorry there bud-o; the holocaust is not an interesting subject for me. I've heard about it repeatedly over the years in school and at home, and refuse to dedicate any more space in my head for it. Besides that, your poem was boring to my eyes. I'm not even sure if you had a rhyme scheme in there, and don't you people get on me with your, "rhyme schemes aren't important Dactylus!" In a poem THIS long, a rhyme scheme is very important to keep the attention of one who would rather be playing Neverwinter Nights! Basically, you wrote a precise summarization of what happened at those camps, but I didn't find it interesting (particularly in the way it was put together) or really worth reading unless one was missing a textbook.
[ 46% ]
Lily
You've emphasized the horrors of the Holocaust well enough, and I sympathize, but sometimes overplaying a subject can get a bit tedious, especially with your poem's length. You've told a sad, sorrow stricken tale of the Jews, and I like how you closed it all up in the end. I honestly believe your poem could've sounded a lot better with rhymes; the length of it right now just induces digression and exaggeration, not to mention the ellipsis. Not a bad poem overall, but you could've improved before submission.
[ 69% ]
Paul
In the spirit of niceness, I ought to just not even comment on yours. Not using grammar/punctuation/spelling instantly vaporized any chances of me liking what you wrote. Lyrics from rap need to be renovated in a huge way, and you're not helping the situation. Tru dat.
[ 5% ]
Dactylus
Bah, some spelling mistakes were intended? I'm sure that's true, but what about the scores of them that WEREN'T intended? I don't see how some of those could be intended, they just look like you goofed up (I'm also deriving evidence from how you type in other posts). And in the rare instance that you DIDN'T do it on accident, what kind of poem focuses on being misspelled? There wasn't even punctuation, man (which may or may not have been intentional)! Some of the rhymes seemed forced, but otherwise a…passable poem. I guess. Maybe.
[ 37% ]
Lily
If you wanted to aim for intentional spelling errors, you could've evaded some of the obvious ones that were simply too painful for the eyes. Even for a rap, you can't totally disregard grammar/spelling. Remember as this is a forum contest, you want to make this poem eye-pleasing, not the other way around. I like the theme you had going, and I got pretty used to the strangely addicting chorus, however repetitive, but in the end, grammar was the thing that veered me off course. Not bad overall, but you could've fixed some of the more apparent problems.
[ 20% ]
Paul
I thought your piece was fairly well written. I got lost in parts though. Make sure your writing stays in a clear sequential path when relating something that you gave the bare minimum details on. You should've added a bit more in order to further the understandability of your piece. All things considered, it did bring your score down. But outside of that, I liked the content.
[ 72% ]
22sa
Some stanzas either don't belong, are poorly integrated with the rest of the poem or lack connection with the Poem's theme (the inner conflict of revenge vs. forgiveness preceding a murder). Otherwise, good variety of content and rhythm.
[ 70% ]
Dactylus
Okay, well not much to say here. In my opinion, you don't have the raw skill that the other winners had, but I liked your poem because it told a story, which is something I always enjoy. May of the rhymes seemed forced, but it was alright since some of them really did flow quite well. Nice poem. As a note, you were a strong contender for first (and third). Unlike some others, you could pull off having this length without boring me (significantly).
[ 71% ]
Lily
I thought your poem was extremely nice. Good rhymes most of the time, good setup, although sometimes I got a bit lost in there. The transitions were steadily placed, but the abrupt change in perspective (time?) just confused me. Either way, I thought the prose itself was pleasantly written, there was a direct theme, and overall you've done an admirable job.
[ 80% ]
average: 73% (rounded)
Paul
Personally, I like the type of poetry you wrote. That doesn't mean I exactly thought your poem was something striking. The word usage got a bit repetitive. It also didn't have enough rhythm/flow to it. Which brought down your score substantially.
[ 40% ]
Dactylus
What in blazes is this? To your credit, it's an…alright poem. But the fact that it's not separated into stanzas – or even lines! – detracts away from it to the point where I don't even think it deserved a review. Next time you enter a poetry contest, please follow format.
[ 21% ]
Lily
This had the potential of a significantly high score, if only you used a type of poetry format. At first I thought: paragraph, not poem. Disregarding the format for a second, I enjoyed your sense of diction and 'eloquence,' so to speak, as I felt it tell a vaguely interpreted story. One thing you could've fixed was the repetition, though, and the bland taste. Try correcting the arrangement next time.
[ 50% ]
Yours was the best out of the submitted poems/lyrics. I felt the piece was fairly out of the ordinary, which caught my interest. You did, however, use the phrase "never ever" which is a tad inappropriate in my view. Unless you absolutely _have to_, that should be avoided at all costs. It's generally an immature use of the two words. Just a plain 'never' gets the point across more dramatically, so you should've rewritten that line to meter better if you only added the 'ever' to balance it out. Still, great poem.
[ 87% ]
22sa
Imagery well done. The jolly theme is well conveyed.
[ 85% ]
Dactylus
Haha, neat. I like this one, passable rhyme scheme, tells a story, might even be some symbolism in there. In some parts, a few of the lines were too long to flow naturally with its neighbors (I'm not talking about the "blue blue blue" part) and quite a few of the rhymes seemed forced. But you know what? It doesn't matter, because you won. But you get points off for saying that both Roy Mustang and Roy from FE are better than Precious Roy. SUCKERRRS!**
[ 80% ]
Lily
Awesome metaphors and rhyme - by far one of the best I've read. You convey thatsappy delicate feel of attraction and relationship; what more can I say? One thing you could've worked on are the forced rhymes and awkward phrases, but other than that, a distinguished poem indeed.
[ 86% ]
Paul
Picking censorship irked me. This is a highly serious matter, and I think you ended up not doing enough to perpetuate your opinion. The poem had a very choppy feel, it was repetitive in a bad way, and didn't catch my interest at all. My biggest criticism is the choppiness though. I didn't like how the poem read at all, and your score was hurt because of it.
[ 34% ]
Dactylus
I almost got seasick reading this thing, dude. When I finally got through it, it was alright, but the format annoyed me enough to strike it out of the running. I would go more in depth, but to do that I would have to read it again, and I'm of nausea bags. Sorry. Next time separate your lines and stanzas…er…better.
[ 61% ]
Lily
I thought your poem had a quaint feel, something unique from the others that set yours apart. One qualm I have is your poor choice of line breaks; the excessive use makes it sound too choppy and disorganized. Either way, the pure simplistic style intrigued me, and the originality is something I haven't seen before.
[ 72% ]
Paul
Your poem was another gem amongst those submitted. I do have one major complaint about yours though: angst. Somehow it came off as an emo/angsty-rock song to me. I'm assuming it was poetry, but it really did just go overkill on the hopelessness. It's a topic that's so overdone it's not even funny. I was hoping you could pick something else to do a poem on. It was still very good though.
[ 79% ]
22sa
No, I don't know Latin. This poem as confusing as the author intended. Well done, anyway.
[ 80% ]
Dactylus
This sounds more like a Linkin Park song then a traditional poem. Either way, you surely had the greatest skill out of any entry in the first stanza, then it declined sharply after that. Still good, just not nearly AS good. This was my choice for first for a long time, so take solace in that. In the end, though, the stories and whatnot told in the first/second place winners won me over.
[ 81% ]
Lily
Again, one of the better ones I've seen. First stanza stayed true to the rhyme and was enjoyable to read; it had meaning and story, all mingling together to produce something quite distinctive. Sometimes I thought you were digressing too much, what with all the hopeless themes involved, but overall..very impressive in presentation.
[ 85% ]
3rd - Rolling Pichu ::. again, congratulations *showers with gold* =]]!!! with a score of 73%
2nd - blackhaert ::. congratulations! *showers with silver* =] with a score of 81%
And first place goes to (no dramatic stuff, funding too high) ::::: Akinari ! -with a score of 85%- Congratulations! You get to relish eternal fame and glory! And um...msn convo with lily? *giggles* :D
As for all the contestants, I thank you all dearly for participating in this contest. Please don't be discouraged from the score, either, as all negative feelings were not intentional. The contest overall went fairly smoothly, and Lilee-chan thanks you all for that. Please feel free to try out again, whenever I get the chance/idea. Any comments or concerns can be posted here. ^__^ ♥♥♥
Again, as an ending note, thank you~ ^_~
Psst..as a side note, Dactylus wanted me to tell you to take all flames directly over PM. o_o
--comments ¤
lily
Yes, we're finally done! =3 ♥ Thank you for your patience (hopefully) thus far. ^-^ To decrease the amount of biased thoughts, I'll go in chronological order + try to do this in an orderly fashion...too much information. ;; Remember, 22sa only commented on his top three.
Also, all the judges chose their top three; I simply averaged it out to pick out the winner.
dactylus
My top three! Bow down, cretins, as I reveal the fruits of careful procrastina- er, consideration and thought! Yeah. All winners can see why they were selected in my comments.
The third prize (or rather, the thing nobody really wants to get but they act ecstatic when they do for some stupid reason) goes to: blackhaert!
The second prize (which is basically the one where people congratulate you for one day then sort of forget about you as they bask in the radiant glow of the real winner) is granted to: Rolling Pichu!
The first prize (or rather, the only one that matters) is awarded, with my sincere (and probably worthless) congratulations, to: Akinari!
Okay you little lemurs, you, here are some more detailed reviews. Also, you might be offended. Yeah, there you go, a disclaimer. Also, I don't review a lot, so don't expect anything technical, these are just my thoughts. ((Note: Lily forbade me from flaming people, so you prolly WON'T be offended unless you're overly sensitive.))
If it were up to me, I would lower each of your scores down a few dozen points for writing poetry in the first place, by the way. Cheers!
The rest: is history.
--results ¤
Eliana [Arbeit Macht Frei]
It was an ok poem, but I've read better pieces from you. By choosing to do the Holocaust, I think you got too emotionally involved, and it kind of blinded you. It got very repetitive, and in a poem length like that, it's something you desperately want to stay away from...unless you make it intentional. Yours didn't seem intentional, nor did it add to the piece. Stating over and over what happened to them was a bit much too. You factored in shock value, which had no place in your poem. Make it tragic, but don't make it gory.
[ 47% ]
Dactylus
Wow. Wow. You know what? I just looked over yours and immediately got discouraged from reading it. That thing is too bloody long. It was interesting, and I suppose it was an accurate homage to what happened, so for that I give you credit. Also, you obviously know what you're doing (at least to a moderate extent) in poetry, yet again more credit. But, I'm sorry there bud-o; the holocaust is not an interesting subject for me. I've heard about it repeatedly over the years in school and at home, and refuse to dedicate any more space in my head for it. Besides that, your poem was boring to my eyes. I'm not even sure if you had a rhyme scheme in there, and don't you people get on me with your, "rhyme schemes aren't important Dactylus!" In a poem THIS long, a rhyme scheme is very important to keep the attention of one who would rather be playing Neverwinter Nights! Basically, you wrote a precise summarization of what happened at those camps, but I didn't find it interesting (particularly in the way it was put together) or really worth reading unless one was missing a textbook.
[ 46% ]
Lily
You've emphasized the horrors of the Holocaust well enough, and I sympathize, but sometimes overplaying a subject can get a bit tedious, especially with your poem's length. You've told a sad, sorrow stricken tale of the Jews, and I like how you closed it all up in the end. I honestly believe your poem could've sounded a lot better with rhymes; the length of it right now just induces digression and exaggeration, not to mention the ellipsis. Not a bad poem overall, but you could've improved before submission.
[ 69% ]
average: 54%
~¤~
code zerro the deluge [title: omit]
code zerro the deluge [title: omit]
Paul
In the spirit of niceness, I ought to just not even comment on yours. Not using grammar/punctuation/spelling instantly vaporized any chances of me liking what you wrote. Lyrics from rap need to be renovated in a huge way, and you're not helping the situation. Tru dat.
[ 5% ]
Dactylus
Bah, some spelling mistakes were intended? I'm sure that's true, but what about the scores of them that WEREN'T intended? I don't see how some of those could be intended, they just look like you goofed up (I'm also deriving evidence from how you type in other posts). And in the rare instance that you DIDN'T do it on accident, what kind of poem focuses on being misspelled? There wasn't even punctuation, man (which may or may not have been intentional)! Some of the rhymes seemed forced, but otherwise a…passable poem. I guess. Maybe.
[ 37% ]
Lily
If you wanted to aim for intentional spelling errors, you could've evaded some of the obvious ones that were simply too painful for the eyes. Even for a rap, you can't totally disregard grammar/spelling. Remember as this is a forum contest, you want to make this poem eye-pleasing, not the other way around. I like the theme you had going, and I got pretty used to the strangely addicting chorus, however repetitive, but in the end, grammar was the thing that veered me off course. Not bad overall, but you could've fixed some of the more apparent problems.
[ 20% ]
average: 21% (rounded)
~¤~
Rolling Pichu [The Murder]
Rolling Pichu [The Murder]
Paul
I thought your piece was fairly well written. I got lost in parts though. Make sure your writing stays in a clear sequential path when relating something that you gave the bare minimum details on. You should've added a bit more in order to further the understandability of your piece. All things considered, it did bring your score down. But outside of that, I liked the content.
[ 72% ]
22sa
Some stanzas either don't belong, are poorly integrated with the rest of the poem or lack connection with the Poem's theme (the inner conflict of revenge vs. forgiveness preceding a murder). Otherwise, good variety of content and rhythm.
[ 70% ]
Dactylus
Okay, well not much to say here. In my opinion, you don't have the raw skill that the other winners had, but I liked your poem because it told a story, which is something I always enjoy. May of the rhymes seemed forced, but it was alright since some of them really did flow quite well. Nice poem. As a note, you were a strong contender for first (and third). Unlike some others, you could pull off having this length without boring me (significantly).
[ 71% ]
Lily
I thought your poem was extremely nice. Good rhymes most of the time, good setup, although sometimes I got a bit lost in there. The transitions were steadily placed, but the abrupt change in perspective (time?) just confused me. Either way, I thought the prose itself was pleasantly written, there was a direct theme, and overall you've done an admirable job.
[ 80% ]
average: 73% (rounded)
~¤~
eventidemjj [A Desert's Winter Night]
eventidemjj [A Desert's Winter Night]
Paul
Personally, I like the type of poetry you wrote. That doesn't mean I exactly thought your poem was something striking. The word usage got a bit repetitive. It also didn't have enough rhythm/flow to it. Which brought down your score substantially.
[ 40% ]
Dactylus
What in blazes is this? To your credit, it's an…alright poem. But the fact that it's not separated into stanzas – or even lines! – detracts away from it to the point where I don't even think it deserved a review. Next time you enter a poetry contest, please follow format.
[ 21% ]
Lily
This had the potential of a significantly high score, if only you used a type of poetry format. At first I thought: paragraph, not poem. Disregarding the format for a second, I enjoyed your sense of diction and 'eloquence,' so to speak, as I felt it tell a vaguely interpreted story. One thing you could've fixed was the repetition, though, and the bland taste. Try correcting the arrangement next time.
[ 50% ]
average: 37%
~¤~
Akinari [A Blue Room for Rose Stone]
PaulAkinari [A Blue Room for Rose Stone]
Yours was the best out of the submitted poems/lyrics. I felt the piece was fairly out of the ordinary, which caught my interest. You did, however, use the phrase "never ever" which is a tad inappropriate in my view. Unless you absolutely _have to_, that should be avoided at all costs. It's generally an immature use of the two words. Just a plain 'never' gets the point across more dramatically, so you should've rewritten that line to meter better if you only added the 'ever' to balance it out. Still, great poem.
[ 87% ]
22sa
Imagery well done. The jolly theme is well conveyed.
[ 85% ]
Dactylus
Haha, neat. I like this one, passable rhyme scheme, tells a story, might even be some symbolism in there. In some parts, a few of the lines were too long to flow naturally with its neighbors (I'm not talking about the "blue blue blue" part) and quite a few of the rhymes seemed forced. But you know what? It doesn't matter, because you won. But you get points off for saying that both Roy Mustang and Roy from FE are better than Precious Roy. SUCKERRRS!**
[ 80% ]
Lily
Awesome metaphors and rhyme - by far one of the best I've read. You convey that
[ 86% ]
average: 85% (rounded)
~¤~
~Ozy~ [When All The Good Books Have Been Read]
~Ozy~ [When All The Good Books Have Been Read]
Paul
Picking censorship irked me. This is a highly serious matter, and I think you ended up not doing enough to perpetuate your opinion. The poem had a very choppy feel, it was repetitive in a bad way, and didn't catch my interest at all. My biggest criticism is the choppiness though. I didn't like how the poem read at all, and your score was hurt because of it.
[ 34% ]
Dactylus
I almost got seasick reading this thing, dude. When I finally got through it, it was alright, but the format annoyed me enough to strike it out of the running. I would go more in depth, but to do that I would have to read it again, and I'm of nausea bags. Sorry. Next time separate your lines and stanzas…er…better.
[ 61% ]
Lily
I thought your poem had a quaint feel, something unique from the others that set yours apart. One qualm I have is your poor choice of line breaks; the excessive use makes it sound too choppy and disorganized. Either way, the pure simplistic style intrigued me, and the originality is something I haven't seen before.
[ 72% ]
average: 56% (rounded)
~¤~
blackhaert [Duos Polus]
blackhaert [Duos Polus]
Paul
Your poem was another gem amongst those submitted. I do have one major complaint about yours though: angst. Somehow it came off as an emo/angsty-rock song to me. I'm assuming it was poetry, but it really did just go overkill on the hopelessness. It's a topic that's so overdone it's not even funny. I was hoping you could pick something else to do a poem on. It was still very good though.
[ 79% ]
22sa
No, I don't know Latin. This poem as confusing as the author intended. Well done, anyway.
[ 80% ]
Dactylus
This sounds more like a Linkin Park song then a traditional poem. Either way, you surely had the greatest skill out of any entry in the first stanza, then it declined sharply after that. Still good, just not nearly AS good. This was my choice for first for a long time, so take solace in that. In the end, though, the stories and whatnot told in the first/second place winners won me over.
[ 81% ]
Lily
Again, one of the better ones I've seen. First stanza stayed true to the rhyme and was enjoyable to read; it had meaning and story, all mingling together to produce something quite distinctive. Sometimes I thought you were digressing too much, what with all the hopeless themes involved, but overall..very impressive in presentation.
[ 85% ]
average: 81% (rounded)
--winners ♥
--winners ♥
3rd - Rolling Pichu ::. again, congratulations *showers with gold* =]]!!! with a score of 73%
2nd - blackhaert ::. congratulations! *showers with silver* =] with a score of 81%
And first place goes to (no dramatic stuff, funding too high) ::::: Akinari ! -with a score of 85%- Congratulations! You get to relish eternal fame and glory! And um...msn convo with lily? *giggles* :D
As for all the contestants, I thank you all dearly for participating in this contest. Please don't be discouraged from the score, either, as all negative feelings were not intentional. The contest overall went fairly smoothly, and Lilee-chan thanks you all for that. Please feel free to try out again, whenever I get the chance/idea. Any comments or concerns can be posted here. ^__^ ♥♥♥
Again, as an ending note, thank you~ ^_~
Psst..as a side note, Dactylus wanted me to tell you to take all flames directly over PM. o_o
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