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The JGS Adventures

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Joao Victor

    • 28
    Posts
    15
    Years
    This story tells the adventures of Joao, Gary and Susan, three trainers from different regions making their journeys in Sinnoh.

    Text in:
    Blue=Joao
    Green=Gary
    Pink=Susan

    Chapter 1

    Littleroot Town, Hoenn...

    It's the 10th birthday of Joao, he was having a great party with his parents, neighbors and his friend, May. Then they saw in TV that May's dad, Prof. Birch has returned from his research in Granite Cave.

    Finnaly!!!!!!! I finnaly will have my own Pokémon!!!!!!!
    Joao's Mom: That's good, you'll be a great trainer just like your dad!
    May: Yeah, but u're going to Sinnoh, huh?
    Well, yes but i'll return, as a CHAMPION! That's a promisse.
    Joao's Mom: Time to go sweetie, your ship will come in 15 minutes.
    Okay, bye people, wait for me, i'll return as a champion, u'll see!!!!!

    Joao exit home, then came to Birch's lab. There he picked his first Pokémon: Torchic! He left Hoenn with Torchic and now is waiting to arrive in Sinnoh to start his journey...


    New Bark Town, Johto...

    Just like Joao, today is the 10th birthday of Gary, with all his friends and his parents, after the big party, he said:

    Mom, today is the DAY!
    Gary's Mom:The day!? Wich day?
    The day that i'll be a trainer and pick my 1st Pokémon with Prof. Elm, how can you forget, mom?
    Gary's Mom: Ah, okay, so u're going to Sinnoh, eh?
    Yup! My journey wait for me. I'm going mom, the ship is going to sail soon.
    Gary's Mom: Bye Gary! Take care!

    Gary picked a Cyndaquil with Elm and arrived in the ship, there he saw a boy and said:
    Hi, what's up?
    Hi, i'm Joao, nice to meet you!
    I'm Gary, i'm going to Sinnoh to start my journey, what about you?
    What a coincidence! I'm going to Sinnoh too!
    That means we'll be rivals, huh?
    Yeah, let's do our best!
    You bet!
    By the way, do you already have your own Pokémon?
    Sure i have! Cyndaquil, come out!
    I have a Torchic, come out!
    Appears to be they're going to be friends.
    That's good, hey, we've arrived in Sinnoh! Come back, Torchic!
    Cyindaquil, come back! Let's go! Sinnoh is waiting for us!

    Then the two boys have arrived in Sinnoh, what's going to happen there? will they win their 1st badge? who will they met there? All the answers is in the next chapter, continue...
     

    Trainer Kat

    → voodoo jungle d r u m s;;
    • 1,541
    Posts
    19
    Years
    joao_victor_rm said:
    It's the 10th birthday of Joao, he was having a great party with his parents, neighbors and his friend, May. Then they saw in TV that May's dad, Prof. Birch has returned from his research in Granite Cave.
    Click to expand...

    Should be 'Professor'. Never use 'Prof'.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Finnaly!!!!!!! I finnaly will have my own Pokémon!!!!!!!
    Click to expand...

    'Finally'. And don't put that many exclamation points, one is suitable.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Joao's Mom: That's good, you'll be a great trainer just like your dad!
    Click to expand...

    Never write in script format, unless you're writing a play. Should be "That's good, you'll be a great trainer just like your dad!"

    joao_victor_rm said:
    May: Yeah, but u're going to Sinnoh, huh?
    Click to expand...

    'You're'. The script format needs to go here, too, but I won't address that again.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Well, yes but i'll return, as a CHAMPION! That's a promisse.
    Click to expand...

    'Promise'.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Okay, bye people, wait for me, i'll return as a champion, u'll see!!!!!
    Click to expand...

    'People' comes across as being disrespectful, or gives us the impression that Joao doesn't know the 'people'. If neither is true, perhaps 'guys' would be more suitable. And once again, don't abbreviate 'you'.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Joao exit home, then came to Birch's lab. There he picked his first Pokémon: Torchic! He left Hoenn with Torchic and now is waiting to arrive in Sinnoh to start his journey...
    Click to expand...

    Could use much more detail. Receiving a starter is a big event in a trainer's life, describe his emotions.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Gary's Mom:The day!? Wich day?
    Click to expand...

    'Which'.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    The day that i'll be a trainer and pick my 1st Pokémon with Prof. Elm, how can you forget, mom?
    Click to expand...

    Should be 'first'. The other issues, I've already addressed.

    joao_victor_rm said:
    Appears to be they're going to be friends.
    Click to expand...


    Why? It seems to me, they've never interacted, so how would Gary know?


    It needs work. I'm not going to tell you it's bad, because it isn't. You just need to put more detail into your story!

    Also, changing font colors/types are a big no-no. Use quotation marks to indicate spoken words. Just tell us who said them ("Hello," said May). Colors are a lot harder to keep straight than character names are.

    Write things out in Microsoft Word. Have someone proofread it. Read other people's fanfictions and see how they do it. I guarantee your work will improve.
     
    Astinus

    Astinus

    • 10,179
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Script fanfictions are not allowed unless well done. Changing the font colors is also not allowed. Please read the Pokemon Fanfiction rules before posting again to avoid another closed thread.
     
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