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[Pokémon] He who is Merely a Rumour

Citrinin

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  • Sparkling Dragon said:
    For a first fic, this is excellent, right off the bat. Your grammar is great, and your narrator voice is confident and direct.
    Thank you very much. ^^

    Sparkling Dragon said:
    One character? We know they're a character, but do you need to state this explicitly? You're bending the fourth wall.
    I didn't mean to bend/break the fourth wall, but throughout my life I've heard people before being talked about as "shady characters" - I meant it in that sense. I looked it up on dictionary.com, and Definition 8 seems to support this idea. Should I have maybe added an adjective (like shady or suspicious) to make that more clear?

    Sparkling Dragon said:
    As for your plot, I like it. The Cyrus-bypassing-time thing is cool. Just one problem. There aren't any Pokemon in the Torn World to train against. Have you played Platinum? You just wander around, walk on walls, take rocky lifts and roll boulders into holes. It sucks.
    Maybe it's just me, but I got the distinct impression that there was so much more to Distortion World when I played it. :s It seemed like there was a whole universe out there, and the part we got to play in was Giratina's lair, only a single aspect of the universe. Also, knowing Cyrus, it's also quite possible that he made his Pokémon train against each other. Do you think I should elaborate on this in the prologue so it's an explained bending of canon?

    Sparkling Dragon said:
    The idea of the Oligarchy has, admittedly, been done before under many different names, but I think you can pull it off.
    Yeah, I know. :P (Although, I haven't seen it in Pokémon fanfiction - I'd love to have a read of these types of fics) I have a bit of a twist planned in the Oligarchy's structure, though, but that will come quite a bit later.

    Sparkling Dragon said:
    So well done, my countryman, and I'll be following this story as sure as my name's . . . well, I can't tell you that, but you get the point! Be safe, think positive, and don't eat yellow snow!
    Thanks so much. ^_^
     
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    Feign

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    Maybe it's just me, but I got the distinct impression that there was so much more to Distortion World when I played it. :s It seemed like there was a whole universe out there, and this was Giratina's lair, a single aspect of it. Also, knowing Cyrus, it's also quite possible that he made his Pokémon train against each other. Do you think I should elaborate on this in the prologue so it's an explained bending of canon?

    I've only played through Platinum once, and I forget what the movie has to say about the distortion world, but it could seem plausible over time that Pokemon could live there. That researcher guy lived there, but I'm not sure how he ate etc. But like you said he could have used his own Pokemon, though that long fighting against the same opponents doesn't teach as much (perhaps this is why he lost?).

    You could probably leave it as is, until you find the best and most proper solution you would like. :)
     
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    I'm too sleepy to give a proper review, so I'll just say this:
    Subsequently, his Pokémon had become powerful – more powerful than anyone could have ever imagined.
    I think you mean that he trained his Pokemon while he was in the Distortion World, but I thought at first that you meant that the Pokemon suddenly got stronger as soon as they left.

    I'll read the whole thing later.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Hmmm, you're right, "subsequently" is probably not the best word. "As a result of" would probably fit more nicely. Thanks for pointing that out. I look forward to the rest of your review when you get the time. :)

    Feign said:
    You could probably leave it as is, until you find the best and most proper solution you would like.
    Yeah, luckily, Cyrus is not a big part in this plot - he helps set the scene for the story, but he's not coming back. However, I'd like to the thoughts of Sparkling Dragon, you, and any other readers as to what would be the best solution would be before coming to this decision. ^_^
     
    Last edited:

    Feign

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    Hmmm, late night ideas of training:

    - Pokemon entered in through various portals in the past

    - x problem occured to have the pokemon enter

    - Unown

    - Cyrus brought a cage full

    - Perhaps the Pokemon used to belong to trainers who are now dead or gone

    - If it wasn't the narrator who said there wasn't any pokemon in the distortion world, that can always add for leeway to have them, as that researcher guy could have easily just been wrong.
     

    Misheard Whisper

    [b][color=#FF0000]I[/color] [color=#FF7F00]also[/c
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  • No, Feign's right. I could imagine him pulling a Shinji and making his Pokemon knock the stuffing out of each other. I mean, they're just tools, right? A means to an end?

    EDIT: DAMMIT FEIGN STOP NINJA'ING ME!!!
     

    Feign

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    No, Feign's right. I could imagine him pulling a Shinji and making his Pokemon knock the stuffing out of each other. I mean, they're just tools, right? A means to an end?

    EDIT: DAMMIT FEIGN STOP NINJA'ING ME!!!

    Hehe, oh well. Though I guess we'd have to consider how he manages to heal his Pokemon inbetween fights. They might be rough and warn out, but they can only take so much battle before they have to stop, even if they do eat something (which in the anime appears to help them heal too).

    *glares at the anime's discreptancies*
     

    Citrinin

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  • Hmm, thanks for the advice, Feign and Sparkling Dragon. ^_^ I'll write up an explanatory paragraph for the prologue now. :D
     

    Citrinin

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  • Chapter Two: Tiny Knife

    Chapter Two: Tiny Knife
    Freedom. Two weeks of it.

    The hike across Route 616 was what Bevan was most looking forward to. He knew the end was grueling obedience – the instructors couldn't truly harm him, due to his father, but they could certainly make his life miserable.

    The journey started tamely, like most other routes: patches of emerald grass and a convenient, well-trodden track. But it got nasty very quickly, with hostile Pokémon and rugged terrains. Most kids "phoned out" (that was, called the helicopter service to take them back home, at their parents' expense) around the halfway mark. Bevan knew he couldn't do that. He could never admit defeat to his father.

    It wasn't long until a small, dark hyena popped out of the bushes, staring at Bevan. A few of the other people around him looked, and then looked away, not wanting to waste their time with small and weak Pokémon. To them this wasn't a merciful window of freedom – it was a race.

    On the other hand, Bevan wanted to see what his could do. Come to think of it, I haven't ever released you from your Pokéball.

    "Larvitar, go!"

    Now, this command turned some heads. Half the heads that turned were ones curious to see what a "Larvitar" was. The other half knew, and were deeply impressed at this trainer's acquisition. Most people never recognised him, as in the few media appearances which he'd made, he faded into the background.

    As soon as the young Larvitar had emerged from his ball, the Poochyena charged at it, teeth bared.

    "Larvitar, Iron Defense!" This Larvitar was special, even for something so rare. A genetically superior Tyranitar had been bred with an equally superior Aggron – the result, a lethal Pokémon that knew moves that the average Larvitar wouldn't.

    Larvitar held its arms crossed to its chest, its body hardening, its skin transforming into some kind of organic metal. The Poochyena closed its mouth, not wanting to sink its teeth into something so hard, but ended up banging its jaw into the little green dinosaur.

    "Bite!"

    With its new, hardened teeth, Larvitar opened its jaw. The Poochyena tried to flee, but Larvitar grabbed one of its hind legs, knocking it off balance and causing the Poochyena to yelp in pain.

    "Ram it!"

    Larvitar leapt into the air, not feeling any increase in body weight due to its metal. Poochyena, on the other hand, felt its full force, falling to the ground unconscious. Bevan reached for his Pokéball, and then remembered what his father had told him: "No matter what kind of trainer you are, a Pokémon will never obey you if you catch it after knocking it unconscious. It will still view you as its adversary, and will often attack the trainer." A rare piece of advice, kept securely in the back of his mind.

    Bevan smirked shyly, at this point realising that quite a crowd had developed behind him, their eyes transfixed on his rare Pokémon. Well, almost all of their eyes. With the battle over, the crowd mainly dispersed, each of them realising they had some place to be.

    A girl about Bevan's age approached him. Her hair was a fiery red, her eyes a glowing azure. She was about a foot shorter than Bevan, and smiled.

    "Hello," she said pleasantly. On the surface level, anyway – but Bevan couldn't help but detect a hint of – pity?

    "H-hello…" Bevan said, wondering why someone would want to pay attention to him. In the last five years, the only person he had held a conversation with was his father.

    "Isn't it funny how the son of our most prominent Oligarch lacks so much prominence himself? Even with their eyes on your battle, not a single one recognised you." She smiled.

    "Well, actually, I'm kind of glad about that. I don't really like lots of attention."

    The girl smiled. "I got that. I saw you in the crowd of reporters yesterday."

    "Maybe it's just that The Voice's pomposity is so loud, it drowns me out," Bevan said thoughtfully, more to himself than to her.

    The Voice was the position that his father had on the Oligarchy. He was essentially the head of propaganda: he ran schools, state television and newspapers, regulated the "opinion industry", et cetera. For this reason, he was the only Oligarch that was not reclusive and secretive. Bevan had always thought quietly to himself that Devil's Advocate would be a more accurate title.

    He noticed the girl staring at him, and realised he didn't even know her name. "Charlotte," she said, when he asked. "Nice to meet you."

    Charlotte, at seventeen years of age, was on the same quest that Bevan was. She was drawn to Bevan not due to his battling style, nor his rare Pokémon, but because she sensed that he had an unwilling attachment to a ruthless Oligarch. Secretly, she hated her rulers, but had the good sense to shut up about it. As for why she was becoming a Cloak – there was no other option.

    Bevan, on the other hand, was not only awkward, but suspicious. He was highly analytical, and having his father as a model for how a person is, tended to distrust people. And here was this girl, treating him nicely for no apparent reason. What did she want?

    Charlotte gestured forward, a smile on her face. "Shall we walk? We don't want to lose out."

    "Tell me about yourself. Where are you from?" Bevan was trying to get a backstory, to see whether she could be trusted.

    "I didn't come from anywhere as privileged as you," she sighed, looking ahead. "My parents and I were in a cult."

    "A what?"

    She smiled a sad smile, and then quickly removed it from herself. Not in front of him, she reminded herself. "Haven't you heard what a cult is before?"

    There was something suspicious in her voice – maybe it was something he was supposed to know? "N-no, I don't. It's just, I've been homeschooled for the last five years. I haven't really left the house much."

    "Homeschooling?" Charlotte replied with an eyebrow raised. "Isn't that illeg – oh.." The ban on homeschooling was enforced by those under Evan's charge. He was hardly going to order himself arrested. "The outside world is… ugly…"

    "How do you mean?"

    Charlotte stopped, turning seriously to Bevan. "People get dragged out of their homes at night. Sometimes they show up, and you have to act like nothing ever happened. But most of the time they don't. There are cults – fringe religious groups – around the region. Rogue scientists experiment with gene splicing. Pollution is rampant. People are impoverished. The military struts around the streets, and the secret police tap into every aspect of your life."

    Bevan narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "People – can come back? After they've been taken?"

    "It doesn't happen often. When they come back – they're completely different. They'll show up like they've just returned from work, and you need to play along."

    "So, these cults – how come the government doesn't crack down on them?"

    Charlotte bit her lip, and motioned to continue walking. "Most of the cults are secretly run by your father's department. They don't make it official, but they realise the power of having something to believe in. The Oligarchy is scared of a unified, above-ground religion, in case it becomes independent. So, instead they form tightly-knit cults around the country, with varying themes. But their message is the same: obedience to the Oligarchy."

    Bevan was horrified, but remembered what his father was capable of. Maybe his cruelty wasn't personal, he thought. Maybe that's just how he is. That thought didn't make him feel any better.

    "How did you get out?"

    "Ran away," Charlotte said simply. Although Bevan wasn't all that familiar with social etiquette, even he could tell that she didn't want to talk about it. Not yet, anyway.

    Charlotte looked up, and smiled in Bevan's direction. He felt it strangely comforting – true compassion. An emotion which he had not experienced for a long time.

    "We're here," she noted, a tinge of regret in her voice. Ahead of them, countless trees of gargantuan proportions towered over them. It was a sharp change from the peacefulness and security of the open road. Route 616 had just got interesting.

    *​

    Evan stood firm against the masses and the press, all of them eager to hear his comments. The flash of cameras and the waving of microphones against his stand would have been intimidating to most, but not this man. Not The Voice of the People. Not the celebrity of the Oligarchy.

    He raised his hand, and the crowd fell silent. After thirty seconds of silence had passed, he began speaking. "Fellow Torcrans, we have, as you know, been experiencing terrorist attacks. Three days ago, the Cronine Hotel was bombed with an Electrode by a man who goes by the name Dagger. He appears to have a few accomplices, all of whom dress in black.

    "Allow me to make this quite clear. This man is a coward. He cravenly buries his shrouds his body in darkness, and his alias seems to be that of a small, archaic weapon. In the process, this criminal has wounded and killed several brave men and women, all of whom work to keep our society safe.

    "My brethren: how dare he? His attacks are attacks against society! Against us! Shall we allow this medieval weapon to get the better of us?" He outstretched his arms, silently imploring them to answer him.

    One man let out a shout. "No!"

    A fanatic woman quickly followed. "No!"

    The crowd joined in, yelling, "No! No! No!"

    Evan raised a hand, and they fell silent. Leaning forward, he continued his speech. "Then, the people have spoken. The people have taken a harsh stance against this radical murderer." He outstretched an arm, and spoke upwards. "Let it be known, Dagger, that the will of Torcra is against you. You shall be brought to justice!"

    And with that, the crowd applauded, screeching fanatically at their savior. They were safe from this terrorist: The Voice had assured them so. Despite his passionate speech, Evan was not so sure. Recently, his men had discovered that one of his guard had been overpowered at Teartas. A card was found in the pocket of his cloak.

    It read "Dagger".
     
    Last edited:

    Feign

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    Definitely coming along very nicely, awesome job! :D
     

    Feign

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    I had written something down, but it just happened to be at the exact same time the server went down for its scheduled maintenance.

    Overall I really like this chapter, and perhaps because it was late night, I got confused with as to why the media seemed somehow to be following him.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Heh, that was one of the things I "fixed" in proofreading - it was even more confusing than that beforehand. :S Do you think I should make it clearer, or was it totally Late at Night Syndrome?
     

    Feign

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    I think I read the 'before you edited it version', so it is probably fine. As I was also reading it at 2am XD

    I'll read it in a bit, though I have to do some other things atm (went shopping for 5 hours, a rarity for me :( )
     

    dark_giratina

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  • Wow, this is really good, and is this the first pokemon story youve ever done.Im sitting here tired as hell reading it, and i cant wait for chapter 3. Also, is there going to be anything else about Cyrus,that was seriously unexpected :)
     

    Citrinin

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  • Thank you for the compliment, dark_giratina. ^_^ I'm almost finished Chapter Three, so I imagine it will be up in a couple of hours or so. :D Is there anything you thought I could improve on?
     

    Feign

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    Oh I think I know why, I figured that the path was desolate, or meant to be taken by only those that were to become Cloaks, but I guess the media was allowed to follow? Or that they're near the gate still?

    Sorry for my confusion.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Feign said:
    Oh I think I know why, I figured that the path was desolate, or meant to be taken by only those that were to become Cloaks, but I guess the media was allowed to follow? Or that they're near the gate still?

    Sorry for my confusion.
    The media is not allowed on the path. x_x; I think I found the problem: "I don't really like media attention"->"I don't really like lots of attention". I can definitely see how that caused confusion. :S
     

    Feign

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    TBH, im not the best pokemon fiction writer or critic , so really i thought it was all good

    Funnily enough, a lot of what helps in writing is motivation, so once you have the confidence to write, then the rest will come.

    Myself, I haven't been using totally original characters, only some new ones, but the rest are from the anime. In some respects however, this could be more difficult than an original character, because you have to get that character's personality correct.

    I've really like cit's stuff because of his writing style, and how it captures the reader :)

    I think the imagination is another good start too.

    If let's say you wanted to write a Pokemon fic, a good place to start (if you watch it often), is to make up a Pokemon episode. You don't have to write it down, and it doesn't have to be anything spectacular, it just has to have all the elements that make up a story (intro, initial incident, rising action, climax, falling action, denoument, end; variations of which, taught by different schools).

    One place to start at would be the conflict. :)

    Hope that helps ;D

    The media is not allowed on the path. x_x; I think I found the problem: "I don't really like media attention"->"I don't really like lots of attention". I can definitely see how that caused confusion. :S

    I think it was this portion that confused me:

    Now, this command turned some heads. Half the heads that turned were ones curious to see what a "Larvitar" was. The other half knew, and were deeply impressed at this trainer's acquisition. Most people never recognised him, as in the few media appearances which he'd made, he faded into the background.

    I bet what it probably was too (when it was late at night), was the change of scene back to the warning to the public and the assassin guy.
     
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