Fears into tears.
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SeleneHime
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but I'll t
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As TJgamer said, you have a very powerful piece here. The rhyming scheme may not be a typical arrangement, but the words carry enough emotion to overpower those small details.
The only true suggestion I can make is to change "bleeds" (first stanza, third line) to singular phrasing. It should make it flow better. Just one little kink, though. Once again, wonderful job.
The only true suggestion I can make is to change "bleeds" (first stanza, third line) to singular phrasing. It should make it flow better. Just one little kink, though. Once again, wonderful job.
JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
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After hearing a bit about your poetry, I've decided to sit down and take a look. I'm going to have to be completely blunt and honest here as well.
To put it as tactfully as I can, the more you emphasize any kind of emotion, the less power it holds in a poem. Poetry isn't about just conveying how you feel. It's about using words and format to evoke that feeling in a reader. So, spicing up your poetry with "dark" words doesn't really make your poetry dark and edgy. It just does the equivalent of telling instead of showing.
In order to be a bit clearer, let me just quickly define what that means. When writing prose, most people will tell you to show instead of tell. That means you need to describe a scene to a reader instead of summarizing it, show a character acting a certain way instead of saying they're kind/evil/whatever, that sort of thing. By doing this, the reader conjures up a mental image and comes to their own conclusions about the characters or world you're trying to present to them.
The same kind of thing happens in poetry. When writing a poem, you want to show a reader images or use word choices that don't outright say this poem is supposed to be full of angst but still evoke that kind of feeling. For example, in this poem, you have lines like "[d]renched with the most killing emotional flow." I feel like you're trying to tell me that someone is drowning in despair, but the message doesn't make me feel like I'm watching someone taking a long spiral downwards. All it does, pretty much, is tell me how to feel. Instead of simply telling me that suicide is wrong or that depression can be violent, why not show us someone suffering?
In fact, let me offer an example. Going to have to put it behind a spoiler cut because it could potentially be triggery for self-harm, but hopefully, it gets the point across.
And then you can draw your own conclusions from there and keep on going with as much violence and blood as you'd like, but the point is, just from imagining that, how do you walk away feeling? Like there's something to connect to? Images are frequently more powerful than words because they're tangible. Things like "drenched with the emotional flow" doesn't really tell a reader much of anything because it could pretty much be anything. Is she crying? Covered in blood? Just feeling this aura of sadness? However, giving the reader something to picture – that stirs some kind of emotional response because now they're feeling a little bit uncomfortable with how dark and desperate this kid I just described to you is.
Also, giving the reader an image instead of just telling them how to feel gives you the added bonus of not making the emotion feel cheap and cheesy. Constantly telling the reader that they need to feel sad when reading your poem or that you were thinking of sadness and darkness leaves them feeling like the emotion is being forced to feel that way. Giving them the image doesn't persuade them to think of anything but the image. How they feel walking away from it is pretty much all up to them. As a result, they can take it a bit more seriously because the poem doesn't insult their intelligence. Rather, it lets them analyze what the poet is trying to say and figure out how they feel about what they see. Poetry is a subtle art that way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I can see you've got potential. You want to evoke the sorts of emotions you're talking about in your poetry. You want to shock people with the images you're presenting. All you have to do, really, is make sure you're showing instead of telling. Present them with images that would evoke those emotions. Don't simply stop at "this is the emotion you should be feeling."
Good luck with future poetry. Hope this helps a little.
To put it as tactfully as I can, the more you emphasize any kind of emotion, the less power it holds in a poem. Poetry isn't about just conveying how you feel. It's about using words and format to evoke that feeling in a reader. So, spicing up your poetry with "dark" words doesn't really make your poetry dark and edgy. It just does the equivalent of telling instead of showing.
In order to be a bit clearer, let me just quickly define what that means. When writing prose, most people will tell you to show instead of tell. That means you need to describe a scene to a reader instead of summarizing it, show a character acting a certain way instead of saying they're kind/evil/whatever, that sort of thing. By doing this, the reader conjures up a mental image and comes to their own conclusions about the characters or world you're trying to present to them.
The same kind of thing happens in poetry. When writing a poem, you want to show a reader images or use word choices that don't outright say this poem is supposed to be full of angst but still evoke that kind of feeling. For example, in this poem, you have lines like "[d]renched with the most killing emotional flow." I feel like you're trying to tell me that someone is drowning in despair, but the message doesn't make me feel like I'm watching someone taking a long spiral downwards. All it does, pretty much, is tell me how to feel. Instead of simply telling me that suicide is wrong or that depression can be violent, why not show us someone suffering?
In fact, let me offer an example. Going to have to put it behind a spoiler cut because it could potentially be triggery for self-harm, but hopefully, it gets the point across.
Spoiler:
And then you can draw your own conclusions from there and keep on going with as much violence and blood as you'd like, but the point is, just from imagining that, how do you walk away feeling? Like there's something to connect to? Images are frequently more powerful than words because they're tangible. Things like "drenched with the emotional flow" doesn't really tell a reader much of anything because it could pretty much be anything. Is she crying? Covered in blood? Just feeling this aura of sadness? However, giving the reader something to picture – that stirs some kind of emotional response because now they're feeling a little bit uncomfortable with how dark and desperate this kid I just described to you is.
Also, giving the reader an image instead of just telling them how to feel gives you the added bonus of not making the emotion feel cheap and cheesy. Constantly telling the reader that they need to feel sad when reading your poem or that you were thinking of sadness and darkness leaves them feeling like the emotion is being forced to feel that way. Giving them the image doesn't persuade them to think of anything but the image. How they feel walking away from it is pretty much all up to them. As a result, they can take it a bit more seriously because the poem doesn't insult their intelligence. Rather, it lets them analyze what the poet is trying to say and figure out how they feel about what they see. Poetry is a subtle art that way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I can see you've got potential. You want to evoke the sorts of emotions you're talking about in your poetry. You want to shock people with the images you're presenting. All you have to do, really, is make sure you're showing instead of telling. Present them with images that would evoke those emotions. Don't simply stop at "this is the emotion you should be feeling."
Good luck with future poetry. Hope this helps a little.