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Old November 16th, 2011 (4:45 PM). Edited November 16th, 2011 by TheBowsinator.
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TheBowsinator TheBowsinator is offline
Pi Lieker
     
    Join Date: Apr 2011
    Age: 19
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    Bowsinator Sez: Hi! This is my...what...3rd fan fiction? My other two were terrible, but I hope this one turns out to be really good

    And yes, I spell it ninetails on purpose. You'll see why

    You can critique this ofc

    I'm pretty amateur, so if its bad, i'm sorry lol but i'm getting better as i do this, so...well...enjoy!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Prologue

    Very smart and very vengeful. Grabbing one of its many tails could result in a 1000-year curse. ~Pokémon Red Pokedex Entry

    POV: Bush the Ninetails

    "Bush! Lord Arceus is calling us all to a meeting! You better be on your way!"

    I awoke to the sound of my friend screaming at the entrance of my cave. He left, I guess hoping he wouldn't be late.

    I wasn't really surprised when Lord Arceus called all the ninetails to his lair. Of course, he wanted another one of his meetings where he discussed human suffering, and I thought these were all really boring.

    Arceus is a big fan of punishment towards humans, and I’m not really sure why. I think it had to do with some human that betrayed him with some orb; I didn't really pay attention when he told us.

    Anyway, I didn't really feel like leaving my cave, but since Arceus gets really mad when one of us doesn't come, I went anyway.

    As I neared Arceus's lair, I saw other ninetails on their way as well. I even saw that girl I like! Anyway, Arceus's lair was a colorful array of green here, yellow there, different colors to represent the different types. Right now, Arceus was holding his blue colored plate, meaning he was Water Type. I guess he wanted to be prepared in case one of us revolted. (Trust me, that's not a good idea.)

    Eventually, Arceus begins to speak.

    "So, I bet you're all wondering why I've called you here today. The answer is simple: I am giving all of you a power."

    'Yay, a new power' I thought. 'More abilities so we can get revenge at the humans for Arceus. Fun.'

    And Arceus continued, amidst the murmurs from the Ninetails

    "This power is a curse on the humans, for anyone who steps on, pulls at, or shaves your tails. This curse will cast on the victim a 1000 year curse that..."

    Our tails are the most sensitive part of our body, and I think Arceus was trying to make it so this curse would actually gain support from the ninetails. Me? I didn't really care about any of this, so I just thought back at my sad, boring life.

    I'm a male Ninetails. Only about a quarter of us are, making it hard for us to ever get a mate. Like most Ninetails, I don't really have a name, but everyone I’m close too just calls me 'Bush' because my middle tail is extremely bushy and furry. I was born to a Ninetails Mom, and an Arcanine dad, which is pretty nice, because I got to use Flare Blitz on my friends when they started to piss me off. Anyway, after I was born, I was probably the most boring Vulpix ever. I didn't really do anything except use Flare Blitz on a rock wall (which became quite scorched). After I grew to about a few years old, my dad gave me a fire stone. When I touched it, I evolved into the epicenes I am right now, a ninetails. I never saw my Dad after that day, and no one seems to know where he is. Soon, I grew more, and now, I’m just a regular ninetails.

    "...and anyone who does NOT lay their curse on the human if they do anything to your tail will be punished severely. You all may now go."

    Finally! I wasn't really sure what Arceus said, but I think I have a glimpse of it: Someone touches my tail; I do a curse, the end.

    So, as we all are dispatched, I see that ninetails I really like on my way out. I decide to try and talk to her. Knowing my luck, I would have screwed up and make my self look like an idiot.

    "Hey! Do you um... uh..."

    She looks at me with sharp, sexy eyes.

    "Yes? What is it?"

    "Do you wan't to go on a uh...date or something? You know to that mountain that everyone likes..."

    "Sure! Tomorrow sounds fine!"

    And I struck gold! At least she knows I exist now, even if the date goes awry. And so I head home, eager for tomorrows date, and ready to go to sleep. As I shut my eyes, I know I have a big future ahead of me, because, hey, I'm going to live for another 950 years, and I might as well make the best of it. I just hope Lord Arceus doesn't call us to any more meetings.
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      #2    
    Old November 18th, 2011 (9:13 PM).
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    TheBowsinator TheBowsinator is offline
    Pi Lieker
       
      Join Date: Apr 2011
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      Bowsinator Sez: Yay! Half a chapter! Its gonna be short! It's not part of the prologue, but it’s not its own chapter, so it’s... CHAPTER 0.5

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Chapter 0.5

      POV: 3rd Person

      Years after we last saw Ninetails thinking about his date the following day, we find 2 archaeologists trying to write pages for the soon to be released pokedex.

      "You sure we in the right spot?" Tim Rodriguez asks his friend Kayos Fengin.

      "Yup! This is where Ninetails are rumored to be!"

      He was correct. There were ninetails in the mountain, though not that many. There were about 3 ninetails residing in the mountain, however, 2 of them were not present. There was only one Ninetails left.

      "Ok, I’ve got my Ultra Ball" Tim states as he approaches the other side of the mountain.

      "Pikachu! I choose you! Use thunderbolt on that sleeping ninetails!"

      Of course, the ninetails wasn't used to being attacked as it was asleep, so it was one hit knocked out. Tim throws his ultra ball and catches the ninetails. A success.

      "Got it! Now let’s get it back to the lab and get some tests done!"

      Back at the lab, Tim and Kayos translate all the data into the pokedex.

      "Lets see...Height, Weight, Information....well on the wall near where we got it, according to these photographs say something about a 1000 year curse in unknown language...lets mention that" says Kayos.

      Kayos is the smarter, nerdier one of the two, while Tim is the more energetic hands on type of guy.

      Kayos finishes up his pokedex entry and puts it down. He tells Tim to finish the easy stuff, such as name and color.

      "Hm...Color Yellow obviously, and its name...N, I, N, E, T, A, L, E, and S he types into the pokedex incorrectly. "Perfect! Now that that’s done, we have to catch a dratini for tomorrow...I’ll go release that Ninetales."

      After leaving his Lab, Tim drives over to the mountain where they found Ninetales and releases the Ninetails. He subsequently broke the pokeball, releasing the Ninetales and its mental connection to the ball.

      The Ninetales is once again free
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        #3    
      Old December 4th, 2011 (2:38 PM).
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      icomeanon6 icomeanon6 is offline
      It's "I Come Anon"
         
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        First, the good news: There are a lot of elements in this story that I really like. The premise is good; I had actually forgotten about how Ninetales could put curses on people, and it's interesting to see your take on its origin. Also, I found Bush's surprising indifference to the god pokemon's gift of the curse and command to punish the humans entertaining. And it's interesting to see two researchers for the original PokeDex going around and documenting all of the Pokemon.

        Unfortunately, what you have so far strikes me as being pretty incomplete. Especially in chapter "0.5", which you really shouldn't do, by the way. You're only supposed to post complete chapters, so you should have held off on posting until you had written chapter 1. At any rate, the description is awfully sparse, and it's not good to have two major location changes in such short narrative space and with such little transition. Try to flesh out the events instead of just briefly stating what happens. Especially with the inscription about the curse that they found in the cave. You only briefly mention it after the fact, when it would have been nice if you had narrated Tim and Kayos finding it, wondering about it, deciphering it, reacting to it, anything really. Same goes with their character development; try to do it in the dialogues and in their actions, not just in a little sentence telling us what kind of archetypes they fit in. Basically, take your time; it's not a race.

        This isn't as big a problem in the prologue, fortunately. However, I felt that the exchange with Bush and his soon-to-be-ladyfriend-maybe could have been handled better. First you describe her eyes as being sharp in addition to sexy, which to me conveys that she'd be a little harder to win over. Then Bush asks her out in a decidedly unconfident, awkward manner, and she immediately responds with an enthusiastic yes and says "Tomorrow sounds fine" even though he hadn't mentioned a specific day.

        And I hate to say it, but I found the origin of our spelling of "Ninetales" to be a little hard to swallow. It seems like something that Kayos might spot in proofreading. I'd call it a moderately amusing but ultimately disappointing twist of fate, especially after you had built it up with the title and the "original" spelling. I guess I was hoping for something a little more dramatic, something to do with the word "tales" itself, instead of just a little pun.

        Before you go on with chapter 1, I would recommend revising the prologue and this other passage (which, if you flesh it out, I think could constitute its own chapter) and focus on expanding the description. A nice little phrase to remember is "show, don't tell." I still have trouble with that aspect of writing, too, so don't get discouraged. Also, keep your eye out for typos and other little writing mistakes, like "epicenes" (is that supposed to be "epicness"?).

        What you have so far is original, which is more than I can say about a lot of other stories around here. With some revision, I think you could have a very nice beginning.
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