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Old May 6th, 2012 (9:20 AM). Edited May 6th, 2012 by ✩ ƒαтє-вℓυє ✩.
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✩ ƒαтє-вℓυє ✩ ✩ ƒαтє-вℓυє ✩ is offline
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    Eevee's Hope


    Alia the eevee padded into her home. She was born in a hollow tree that was her home. Seeing the pegs along the side, spiraling up towards the top, like stairs, she jumped up all the way to the top. Only losing her balance towards the top, she steadied herself on the peg. She reached the top, and her bedroom opening welcomed her, as always. The door way was sentimental, she took her first steps here.She always remembered her father making her walk just a bit farther everyday, until she could walk anywhere. She strutted into her bedroom, and walked along the enormous, thick branch. "If they would only come back.... she thought to herself.

    Chapter 1, A New Friend
    Alia walked outside her home. She looked around, wearily. "It was only a nightmare..." she said aloud. Alia walked through the forest, hearing the sound of running water.
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    Old May 6th, 2012 (10:29 AM).
    psyanic's Avatar
    psyanic psyanic is offline
      Join Date: May 2011
      Location: The USA
      Age: 21
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      Welcome to the world of fanfiction writing and writing in general! Unless you've already written before, so then I'd just say welcome to FF&W! Okay, now for the actual review.

      Well, it's short. There's nothing going on at all, and having more written down might help. Actually, it would help since this doesn't effectively serve as a prologue, to be honest. Prologues are typically short, but they serve a purpose and are relevant to the plot. Whether they illustrate an event that shapes the story or is the catalyst for your story, they're still relevant and people would know how they relate later on. In this prologue, however, there's almost nothing going on at all. Alia is an eevee who lives in a tree. The prologue tells us about how she goes in her bedroom and the prologue ends. I can't help but wonder, what was the point? You really should write more down so readers can get an idea of what they're reading, especially plot-wise.

      And I got three more nitpicks I have to mention. One if your writing style. In some cases, it gets wordy and kind of wanders on and on, then repeats itself. Take this sentence for example:

      Originally Posted by ✩ ƒαтє-вℓυє ✩ View Post
      The tree trunk home she was born in was a worn hollow tree.
      You say she was born in a tree trunk home, and then repeat that it was a tree, except you mention it was hollow. This sentence could be condensed so that you don't repeat tree again. One possibility would be like this:

      She was born in a hollow tree that was her home.
      Of course, this isn't a perfect rendition, but I hope you get the idea. Try not to repeat things because that can slow down your story pacing wise. This applies to most of your sentences you've written so far, especially the bit about the peg-stairs inside.

      Originally Posted by ✩ ƒαтє-вℓυє ✩ View Post
      She reached the top, and her bedroom opening welcomed her, as always.
      The description here seems to be lacking, since I could assume her bedroom is warm and cozy, but you haven't exactly told us. Mainly, we don't know how it welcomed her. Alia could just be tired and her bedroom welcomed her as a sanctuary of rest. Or she could happen to really like the wallpaper in her room and it was welcoming every time she looked at them. See, you have to describe a few things, otherwise you leave readers in the dark. And readers don't like the in the dark about much at all.

      As for the last nitpick: you spelled 'prologue' wrong.

      And with that, I wish you well on writing this story. I can't gather much information about it just from this prologue, so I guess I'll have to keep reading to find out.
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      Old May 6th, 2012 (4:56 PM).
      Astinus's Avatar
      Astinus Astinus is offline
      Remember NovEnder
        Join Date: May 2006
        Location: Connecticut, USA
        Age: 31
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        Posts: 10,062
        cause it's unfinished
        You shouldn't post your chapters until they are finished. Instead of writing into the Post Reply box on the forums, use any sort of word processing program (wordpad, Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, Notebook even if you really want) to write your story. This way, if you're called away from the computer, you can save your work and write it at any time you have a chance so you won't rush through the story. This way, you can post it when the story is complete, and reviewers won't be saying that your story reads as incomplete.

        The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
        Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
        An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
        Sadly, these are things I'll never become

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