Fan Fiction and Writing Have a story you want to share? Or in the mood to sit back and read one, instead? Then come hang out here!

Draconius GO
Thread Tools
Old February 13th, 2013 (10:28 AM). Edited February 27th, 2013 by Chaririley.
Chaririley Chaririley is offline
    Join Date: Apr 2012
    Posts: 16
    [Rated T due to mild coarse language and violent scenes]

    Chapter 1 : Underdogs Begin

    Many years ago, the world of Pokemon was blighted with countless natural disasters. Many Pokemon were put in danger, and were in desperate need of help. Out of nowhere came a Rescuer named Lucario. He overcame any obstacles in his way, and rescued all Pokemon that were in need. One day, whilst on an unknown Rescue Mission, he tragically died. To this day, no one knows what the Rescue Mission was, but many Rescuers have vowed to find out. And thus began, the era of Rescue Teams.


    “I’m sick of you treating me like a kid!”
    “You’re eight years old, Sparky. Am I supposed to treat you like an adult?”
    A furious-looking Pichu sat talking to a calm-looking Raichu wearing a red bandana. Around them, twenty or thirty Pokemon sat drinking, talking, dancing and just generally having a good time. The atmosphere could make even the most serious of Pokemon want to join in with the fun, but that was the atmosphere Team Thunder brought everywhere with them.
    “Richie, I’m a lot stronger than you think! I could complete any Rescue Mission!”
    “Ha! You don’t even know any attacks! How are you going to defeat anyone that may stand in your way?”
    “Wait, you have to fight others?!”
    “You see! You have no idea what you’re even talking about. Being a Rescuer is hard, there’s no way a pipsqueak like you could handle it!”
    “I can handle anything thrown at me!”
    “Oh, really? What about this Gravelerock?” said Richie as he produced a small, rough stone from his bag and proceeded to lob it at Sparky.
    “What? No! I didn’t mean-” The rest of Sparky’s sentence was cut short by the Gravelerock hitting him square in the face, sending the young Pichu flying back about five feet.
    “So much for being able to handle anything thrown at you!”

    The whole room erupted into laughter.
    “Grr… I’ll show them…” mumbled Sparky.
    “Try to calm down, Sparky.” said a voice behind him. Sparky turned to see Xatu - nicknamed “Stoner” by the team members - looking at him in an amused way.
    “The leader’s just looking out for you.”
    “He’s just mocking me!”
    “Come now, that’s not-”
    “Doesn’t know any attacks!” sjirachied Richie.
    “SEE?!” yelled Sparky.
    “Err…” said Xatu, struggling to come up with anything.

    “Alright, Richie! What if I told you I’d completed a Rescue Mission before?” Sparky said proudly. A mild look of curiosity appeared on Richie’s face.
    “I would be impressed… But I don’t believe you.”
    “It’s true! Isn’t it, Catriona?!” Sparky said desperately, turning to a Delcatty that was serving drinks to the Rescuers.
    “Oh, well, um…” she began.
    “I saved your daughter who was stuck up a tree!”
    “Well… Yes…”
    “HA!” Sparky cried victoriously, turning to Richie.
    “But you just knocked down the branch she was on… She fell down and broke one of her legs…” Once again, the whole room erupted into laughter as Sparky turned red with embarrassment.
    “I should have known!” said Richie. “There’s no way you could have-”

    Richie’s words were drowned out by a loud slam. Everyone turned to look at the doorway. A group of snarling, smirking Mightyena walked in.
    “I’m thirsty!” declared a Mightyena with long, shaggy fur and a scar across his eye.
    “Why don’t you be a good girl and bring me and my men a drink, huh?” he said, addressing Catriona.
    “R-right away.” said Catriona.

    “Why don’t you try saying “please”?” said Richie.
    “What was that?!” snarled the Mightyena, turning to Richie.
    “I said, why don’t you try saying “plea-”
    “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” shouted the Mightyena as he tackled Richie off his seat. Richie hit the floor with a loud thud.
    “Richie!” cried Sparky.
    “See, you’re not so tough now, are ya?” smirked the Mightena.

    Richie got up, brushed some dust off himself and went to sit back down.
    “Not gonna fight back?!” said the Mighyena as he tackled Richie again, this time sending him crashing into the wall.
    “Ow…” groaned Richie as he slid down onto the floor. The group of Mightyena began to laugh.
    “What a weakling!” one cried.
    “He’s all talk, no action!” said another.
    “Let’s go, boys! Just being in the same room as this guy makes me wanna puke!” declared the leader. The Mightyena all left.

    The entire room erupted into laughter.
    “That guy really outta work on his manners!” said Richie, as he got up smiling.
    “He got you good, boss!” laughed a Camerupt - nicknamed “Humps” by the rest of the team.
    “I sure hope I don’t see him again!” said Richie, acting mockingly terrified. “I’m sure he’ll make me-”

    “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” screamed Sparky. The room became silent.
    “What’s the matter, Sparky?” asked Richie.
    “That’s right, Sparky! I’m a Gold Rank Rescuer. My job is to rescue Pokemon - not fight them! That guy was just a bully. There would be no point in fighting him!”
    “Whatever… Coward…” muttered Sparky.


    “So, Sparky, you still mad at me for not fighting that Mightyena like a Gold Rank Rescuer should have?” said Richie.
    “Yes.” replied Sparky with his arms crossed.
    “Oh, come on! There’s no reason to be mad! Have a drink!”
    “I don’t want a drink!”
    “Oh, Sparky, lighten up! It’s not as if-”

    “RICHIE!” screamed a voice. The local mayor, a Scrafty named Nocorrea, ran into the room.
    “Mayor, your pants have fallen down again…” said Richie.
    “Oh, damn these pants to Hell!” cried Nocorrea as he lifted his oversized pants up to his waist - only for them to fall back down again.
    “What’s the problem?” asked Richie.
    “Richie… It’s… It’s Garchomp…”

    Richie’s eyes widened. Several members of Team Thunder turned so pale, Sparky could have sworn they had become transparent. Even Xatu, who usually had an expressionless face, looked absolutely terrified.
    “He wants to fight you…” said Nocorrea faintly.


    “Alright!” declared Richie as he cracked his knuckles. “I suppose I better give him what he wants!”
    “Leader, are you sure?! This is Garchomp, we’re dealing with! He’s one of the most powerful outlaws in the world! Only Diamond Rank Rescuers and above are allowed to go after him!” said Humps.
    “I know that, but there’s no way around this! I have to fight him!”

    “Richie, no!” cried Sparky tearfully. “You can’t fight him, he’ll kill you!”
    “You said yesterday that your job is to rescue Pokemon, not fight them! I’m sorry for being mad at you! Just please don’t fight Garchomp!”
    “Sparky, listen to me. There are times when fighting is pointless, like yesterday with that thug. However, being a Rescuer, I have to protect people. If Garchomp doesn’t get his way, he’ll destroy this town and hurt the people I love. People like you, people like Catriona, people like my team. I won’t allow him to do that. I’ll fight him to protect the people I love!”
    “Richie! No!” screamed Sparky as he was restrained by Catriona and Nocorrea. All he could do was watch as Richie walked to his death…


    Richie walked along the road, eyes narrowed. The usually bustling town was completely empty. After five minutes of walking, Richie didn’t see a soul.
    “Grr... Dammit, Garchomp… Where are you?” Richie muttered to himself. He continued to walk, looking for any signs of the Pokemon who’d destroyed entire villages on his own.
    “Hm?” Richie suddenly noticed a large cut on a nearby wall. Richie walked up to it.
    “Rubble and dust are still falling from it… This cut must be fresh… But that means-”

    Richie suddenly felt something sharp cut across his back, leaving a deep wound and sending him crashing through the wall on impact. Richie tried to get up, but the burning sensation on his back refused to let him. This was impossible… He had suffered one hit, yet he was already down for the count. Was this how it was going to end?
    “So this is the renowned leader of Team Thunder, “Lightning Tail” Richie? Pathetic… They’ll hand a Gold Rank to anyone nowadays…”
    “Garchomp…” thought Richie. And if on cue, the dark-blue dragon appeared before Richie’s eyes.

    “Uh! I can’t even begin to express how feeble you look just lying there, almost excepting death. Have you no will to fight me? It’s your life on the line!”
    “You know, being a Rescuer, I thought nothing could surprise me anymore…” Richie laughed weakly. “Yet, here I am, being lectured on not fighting for my life by the world’s most notorious killer…”
    “The chase is better than the catch. Besides, would you rather die having put up a good fight against the notorious Garchomp, or having done nothing as you let him take your life away in the blink of an eye?” Garchomp looked to Richie for an answer, but was only answered with silence.
    “Fine, I get the picture. You’ll die pathetically. Have it your way. DRAGON CLAW!” Garchomp thrust his claw downwards, kicking up a storm of dust. He listened for the breathing of Richie, but heard nothing. Less than satisfied with this kill, he lifted his claw back up, and prepared to leave the town.

    “You know, I’ve decided on the third option.” said a voice behind him.
    “Huh?!” cried Garchomp, spinning around.
    “The option where I don’t die, and I kick your ass!” smiled a severely injured, but ready to fight, Richie.
    “Hm! It would appear I underestimated you!” said Garchomp as he realised Richie had avoided his attack at the last second.
    “You’ve sealed your own defeat, Garchomp! I was ready to die, but you encouraged me to fight… Which is exactly what I’m gonna do!”
    “I’m glad to hear it! However, don’t get cocky. All this means is that your death…” Garchomp stopped speaking all of a sudden. He was completely still, and didn’t even look like was breathing.
    “WON’T BE QUITE SO SOON!” he yelled as he flew at Raichu with another Dragon Claw.

    Richie was ready this time though. He waited until the last moment, then jumped up high into the air, causing Garchomp to miss him completely and crash into a nearby building.
    “Is this really all the infamous Garchomp has to offer? Just constantly using Dragon Claw? I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed…” laughed Raichu.
    “Oh, don’t worry…” said Garchomp as he appeared from the remains of the building he had just crashed into. “I’ve got much more up my sleeve!”
    “Bring it on!”

    “SAND TOMB!” cried Garchomp as a large tornado of sand surrounded him, making him impossible to see.
    “Huh? What’s he doing…” muttered Richie. Just as quickly as it started, the sand tornado disappeared - only, so had Garchomp.
    “What? Where has he gone?” said Richie as he looked around. Richie prepared himself for an attack, but nothing happened. So he waited… And waited… And waited… Still, nothing.
    “Has he… Given up?” wondered Richie. Silence.
    “He… He’s given up!” realised Richie. “Haha! I won! Yeah! I came out of it alive!” Richie began to walk back to his team, getting ready to tell them of his victory…
    “DIG!” a voice cried.
    “Huh?” said Richie.

    Suddenly, Richie was thrown upwards by a figure quickly emerging from the ground underneath his feet. It was Garchomp.
    “Damn you, Garchomp! That was a dirty trick!”
    “A dirty trick?! A merely took advantage of the fact you had let your guard down! You’ve only got yourself to blame!” shouted Garchomp. Richie’s eyes widened as he horrifically came to the realization that it was his fault. Garchomp had landed a powerful hit. Could that one mistake… Have entirely changed the course of this battle?
    “Now that you’re in the air, you’re completely helpless! I’d say this was a good time to finish you off, wouldn’t you?!” sneered Garchomp.
    “No! Damn it, I won’t let this it end like this!” cried Richie.
    “DRAGON RUSH!” yelled Garchomp. Garchomp’s body became enveloped in a light-blue aura.
    “This isn’t how it’s going to end…” thought Richie. Garchomp leaped up high into the air.
    “This can’t be how it’s going to end…” Garchomp was mere inches away.
    “Please don’t let this be how it’s going to end…”
    “FAREWELL RICHIE!” screamed Garchomp.

    Seconds before they collided, a bright, white light erupted from Richie, blinding anyone within a five mile radius, followed by a small explosion. As the light and smoke faded, they revealed Richie lying on his front and Garchomp lying on his back, both injured. Garchomp groaned as he got up with little trouble.
    “I must say, I’m impressed! I didn’t think you would be able to unleash it. Only the most powerful of Pokemon can do that!” Richie remained silent as he breathed heavily. Garchomp couldn’t tell whether he didn’t want to talk, or he couldn’t.
    “Anyway, you put up a good fight, but you appear to be unable to fight anymore, while I’m still good to go!”
    “You are right…” coughed Richie. Garchomp could tell every word he spoke was painful for him. “But mark my words, you will be defeated… Maybe not now… Maybe not soon… But eventually, someone will stand in your way, and you will fall to them. That is the day you fear the most.” Garchomp looked at Richie intensely.
    “I think you’ve said enough!” he yelled, failing to contain his rage. “Now it’s time to draw your last breath! DRAGON-”

    “NO!” screamed a distant voice. Garchomp looked around, confused. Richie, however, recognised the voice in an instant, and it filled him with dread.
    “Sparky…” he whispered. And sure enough, the young Pichu, face full of fury, came running from the shadows.
    “I won’t let you hurt Richie anymore!” he ran in front of Garchomp and spread his arms, blocking Garchomp’s way. Garchomp frowned at Sparky for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.
    “What?! You think I’m gonna show mercy to a child?! Get outta the way, you little brat! Otherwise, you’ll end up dead!” yelled Garchomp. Sparky didn’t react in the slightest. He remained standing defiantly in front of Garchomp.

    Garchomp frowned in confusion.
    “Why do you remain standing there? You may be young, but I’m sure you know that you can’t defeat me! Blocking my way is suicide! If you move, you live. You have my word on that!” Sparky didn’t say a word, he remained where he was, frowning up at Garchomp. Garchomp’s frown of confusion turned into a frown of rage.
    “I’m not mocking you.” Sparky said quietly. Garchomp growled.
    “Because I would be a sad excuse of a person if I moved.” Garchomp face was moulded in shock. Even Richie, who could barely move, let out a noise of surprise.
    “Wha-what’s that supposed to mean?!”

    Sparky’s arms dropped to his sides.
    “I ran out here, fully accepting death. Whether I live or die isn’t important! So what if you kill me? At least I died trying to protect my friend. I don’t care who you are, or how strong you are. I don’t care if my death is certain, or if I’m not doing any good. None of that matters, because whatever happens, I won’t abandon Richie!” Sparky spread out his arms again to end his speech.

    Garchomp was completely lost for words. Never in his life has someone thrown him more than this young boy. He was certainly one-of-a-kind.
    “Sparky…” Richie whispered with tears forming in his eyes.
    “I don’t care what you say, Richie. I won’t leave!” Sparky said, turning around. “Even it means being killed by this jerk!” Sparky turned around once again, but was shocked to see Garchomp walking away.
    “Where are you going?!” Sparky shouted. “To much of a coward to kill me?!”
    “My job is done, kid.” Garchomp sjirachied.
    “Done? How could it be done? That would mean-” Sparky froze as a sudden realisation hit him hard. Slowly, he turned to face Richie - and saw for the first time, the pool of blood Richie was lying in.

    “Ri-Richie…” whispered Sparky. He shakily walked up to Richie, held onto his side, and turned him onto his back - only to jump back in shock. Richie had a giant x-shaped gash across his chest which was pumping out litres of blood at a time.
    “He got me. Back in the air, he got me. He must have only realised by seeing the pool of blood.” Richie said wearily.
    “Richie… You’re not gonna die… You can’t die…” Sparky said, his sobbing muffling every word.
    “My time has come, Sparky. It’s a shame, but at least it got Garchomp to leave.”
    “I’ll kill him. I’ll get stronger, and when I’m strong enough, I’ll find him and I’ll kill him.”
    “Don’t seek revenge, Sparky. Revenge creates destruction. It’s not a path you should follow…”
    “However, you can do something else for me…”
    “Here…” Richie shakily lifted his arms and took off his bandana. It seemed like every second he spent moving cut a minute off of his remaining lifespan. “Put this on.”

    Sparky tearfully took the bandana from Richie and put it around his own neck. The bandana hung down to his feet.
    “Haha… You’ll grow into it.”
    “Why are you giving me this?! You’ll need it for future Rescue Missions! Stop acting like you’re gonna die, because you’re not!”
    “Sparky… Promise me that one day, you’ll start your own Rescue Team, and complete Lucario’s Mission. I know you can do it, even if you an underdog…”
    “Oh, and don’t cry, Sparky. I’ve had… A good life.” And with that, Richie closed his eyes forever, as Sparky began sobbing uncontrollably.


    A young Pikachu wearing a red bandana walked happily down a road.
    “Alright, this is it! I’ve been training all these years for this day. Today’s the day I fulfil my promise! Today, Team Underdogs Begin!”
    Reply With Quote

    Relevant Advertising!

    Old February 27th, 2013 (1:35 PM).
    Chaririley Chaririley is offline
      Join Date: Apr 2012
      Posts: 16
      Chapter 2 : The First Rescue Mission

      "Ah! What a gorgeous day!" Sparky said happily as walked down the road. "I can't think of a more perfect day to start my Rescue Team on!" He continued to walk down the road silently. Suddenly, he came to a halt and started frowning.
      "I can't help but feel I've forgotten something… Hmm…" Sparky stood lost in thought for a few seconds.
      "Oh, yeah! That's it! If I want to start being a Rescuer… I have to get a Rescue Mission! Dahaha! Boy, it's a good thing I remembered about that!" Sparky laughed as he walked on.


      A flock of terrified-looking Pidgey stood gathered together, facing someone hidden by shadows.
      "Well? What happened to my lunch?" said a deep voice from the shadows.
      "Oh, um, yeah, about that… He, um, he got away…" stammered one of the terrified Pidgey.
      "WHAT?!" shouted the voice. All the Pidgey fearfully flinched in unison. "YOU RUNTS! HOW COULD YOU LET HIM GET AWAY?!"
      "We're sorry! We'll find him again! We promise!" one of the Pidgey cried desperately.
      "You better… For your sake…" the voice said. All the Pidgey started shaking I fear.
      "A-alright guys! You h-heard the leader! Let's catch that worthless piece of food! F-for our sake…" said one of the Pidgey. The rest cried in agreement before flying off to find their prey…


      "O-ok… I think I'll be safe here…" said a nervous-looking Caterpie. He lay down on the ground of the small confined area he had found.
      "I don't think I've ever ran so much in my life… Those Pidgey… What kind of monsters are they? There's plenty of berries and other fruits in this forest… Yet, th-they want to… To… To eat me…"
      "Well, it's our leader that wants to eat you actually. It's just our job to capture you." The Caterpie turned around in shock to see two Pidgey smirking at him.
      "Oh! H-hey guys! Nice day, isn't it?!" squeeled the Caterpie.
      "Alright, kid. You're coming with us." said one of the Pidgey.
      "Wait a second! Can't we work something out?!" cried the Caterpie.
      "Nope." said the Pidgey as he walked menacingly towards the Caterpie.
      "Hey, wait a second. Maybe we could work something about with the little brat…" said one of the other Pidgey. The Pidgey who had been approaching Caterpie turned to the other Pidgey.
      "Shut up! Do you know what will happen if the leader finds out? We'll be begging for death after five minutes…"
      "I know that! But what she doesn't know, won't hurt us!"
      "Grr… Fine, what's your plan?"

      "Hey, you!" the Pidgey said turning to Caterpie.
      "Uh, yes?" replied Caterpie.
      "I assume you're still be cared for by your mother?"
      "Well, yes, I'm only fifteen.
      "And she'll pay a big price for your return, right?"
      "Oh, well, we're very short on money…"
      "Yes! Of course! She'll pay a fortune! Money beyond your wildest dreams! Money! Jewels! You name it! So… So please don't kill me!" Caterpie cried desperately. Both Pidgey smirked.
      "As long as nothing goes wrong, we're gonna be rich!" said the first Pidgey.
      "This plan is perfect! Nothing could go wrong!" said the second Pidgey.
      "Haha! I suppose you're right! If something did go wrong it would completely out of the blue!" They both laughed.
      "Well then, little one. Take us to your-"

      "RESCUE MISSIONS!" A flash of yellow burst through the branches and crashed into the two Pidgey, knocking them both out.
      "Ow…" As it stopped, the yellow flash turned out to be a young Pikachu wearing a red bandana. The Caterpie just stared wide-eyed at his new companion.
      "Hm?" said the Pikachu as he noticed the two unconscious Pidgey. "Wow, those two are really lazy, sleeping in the middle of the day and all."
      "Umm… Actually, you knocked them-"
      "So do you know anyone who can give me a Rescue Misson?"
      "Wait…" said the Caterpie. "You mean… You're a Rescuer?!"
      "Sure am!"
      "Nice to meet you! I'm Absolem!"
      "Cool. Actually, that's not really important."
      "Oh, um, ok."
      "I'm Sparky. Do you know where can I find a Rescue Misson?" Absolem's eyes filled up with joy.
      "I sure do! I have a Rescue Mission for you! You see, there's a flock of Pidgey-"
      "I'm hungry. Do you know where I can get some food?"
      "I thought you wanted a Rescue Mission?"
      "I can't eat a Rescue Misson."
      "Oh, um, ok… I'll take you to an apple tree…"
      "Great! Let's go!"

      "These are delicious!" stated Sparky as he swallowed bite after bite of the apples from the apple tree Absolem had showed him.
      "I'm glad!" said Absolem. He hoped that this Rescuer was strong enough to fight off the flock of Pidgey. Even so... He was still a Rescuer. A selfish, money-obsessed, ruthless, uncaring Rescuer. That's what they were all like. They were just as bad as the outlaws they fought. Absolem sighed.
      "So, how much do you want?"
      "Huh?" Sparky replied with his mouth full.
      "The payment for fighting off the Pidgey and escorting me back home. How much do you want?"
      "I don't understand." Absolem frowned. Was this guy stupid?
      "The reward for completing the Rescue Mission!" he cried.
      "Reward? Why would I want a reward?"
      "Y-you don't want one?" Absolem said, extremely taken aback.
      "Of course not! I didn't become a Rescuer for money!" Sparky exclaimed before continuing his feast of apples.
      "Wow… I thought all Rescuers were only after money. So if you didn't become a Rescuer for money, why did you become one?"
      "To complete Lucario's Mission."

      Absolem's face was the very definition of shock and horror
      "I-I'm sorry… I must have misheard you… For a minute, I thought you said you were going to complete Lucario's Mission…"
      "No, that's right."
      "You're joking, right?!"
      "…are you completely insane?"
      "There's no way somebody like you could do that!"
      "Why not?"
      "You'd need a Rescue Team…"
      "I'm looking for one."
      "You'd need to be incredibly strong…"
      "I've been training for years."
      "Look, it's impossible! Forget about it and keep your life!"

      Sparky hit Absolem with his tail, sending the young Caterpie rolling about two feet away.
      "Ow…" groaned Absolem.
      "Listen!" said Sparky, suddenly standing up and looking serious. "Maybe it is impossible! Heck, I'll probably end up dying trying to do it! But at least I died fighting for my dream! Maybe you think it's a good idea to live your life in the background, never doing what you want so long as you're safe, but in my eyes, that's not a life worth living!" Sparky stared intensely at Absolem for a few seconds.
      "I'm gonna eat more apples." he concluded. Absolem simply watched in awe. He'd never met anyone like Sparky before. Everyone he'd met had told him that if he kept quiet, he'd be safe… And yet here was this young Pikachu, telling him that it's better to live your dream and die…

      "Hey, look! There he is! Over by that apple tree!" cried a distant voice.
      "Huh?" said Sparky.
      "It's them…" whispered Absolem.
      "The Pidgey that are after me… They've found me…"
      "Wait, hold on, you're getting chased by a flock of Pidgey?"
      "Well, why didn't you say so before?" laughed Sparky. "I could have taken care of them in a heartbeat!"
      "Well, now's your chance, here they come!"

      Right on cue, came the flock of Pidgey.
      "Well, you've been very good at running and hiding but it now it's time to except your fate!" one of the Pidgey cried gleefully.
      "Is it? Maybe it's time to except yours." Sparky said, standing up and walking in front of Absolem.
      "Huh? Who are you?"
      "The guy who's gonna kick all your asses." For a moment, the flock of Pidgey and Sparky engaged in a stare off, before the flock burst out laughing.
      "You? Defeat all of us? This guy's hilarious!"
      "You know… I hear a lot of talking…" Sparky grinned. "But I don't see a lot of action." The flock of Pidgey were automatically silent.
      "Well, if you want to see some action, we'll show you! Get him!" All at once the flock flew at Sparky.
      "You can do it, Sparky!" cried Absolem.

      One by one, Sparky tackled each Pidgey, knocking them out each time.
      "Wow… So cool…" said Absolem.
      "Man, these guys are weak. If you're getting hassled by these guys, you must be super-weak, Absolem."
      "Don't mention it." said Sparky as he whacked the final Pidgey into the ground with his tail.
      "That… Was amazing!" exclaimed Absolem.
      "It was nothing. Really. It took no effort at all. I'm actually quite disappointed."
      "If you're so disappointed…" said a voice from the shadows. Sparky and Absolem turned to look at where it was coming from. "Maybe you should give me a shot…"

      A fat, female Pidgeotto with a crooked beak and ruffled feathers walked slowly from out of the shadows. Sparky looked at her for a few seconds before laughing.
      "Phew! It's just a Pidgeotto! I was worried it was a threat…" This made the Pidgeotto visibly angry.
      "Sparky... Watch what you say, she's not like the others... That's Angel, the leader of that gang of Pidgey. She's a powerful outlaw around these parts, don't underestimate her!" warned Absolem.
      "Dahaha!" laughed Sparky as he thought about how ironic it was for someone to be called Angel when they looked so... "Unangelish".
      "Relax! I can take care of her!"
      "You may have took care of my underlings without any problems but I won't be so easy!" commented Angel.
      "Well, prove it!"
      "My pleasure! Whirlwind!" Angel started flapping her wings extremely quickly, sending gusts of wind flying at Sparky, sending him flying into the apple tree.
      "Ow… Bark is hard…" muttered Sparky.
      "NOW DIE! AERIAL ACE!" Angel became engulfed in streaks of white light as she flew at Sparky with immense speed. As she collided, blinding white light filled the forest.
      "SPARKY, NO!" screamed Absolem.
      "No what?" said a voice.

      As the white light died down, it revealed Sparky standing next to Absolem, and Angel with her beak stuck in the tree trunk.
      "You… You dodged it?" said Absolem.
      "Of course I did! Christ, I've seen Shuckle both faster than that!" Sparky smirked.
      "You know what, fatty? With you being stuck and all, you're perfect target practise for the move I've been practising all these years!" Hearing that, Angel tried desperately to free herself from the tree but with no avail.
      "Thunder…" started Sparky as his cheeks sparked with electricity. "BOLT!" A large bolt of electricity came from Sparky's body, hitting Angel and causing a slight explosion. The smoke cleared to reveal Angel burned to a crisp. Sudden, a creaking noise suddenly came into earshot.
      "Wh-what's that?!" cried Absolem.
      "TIM-BER!" yelled Sparky, as the apple tree Angel was stuck in fell to the ground. Sparky was grinning, Absolem was staring with his mouth wide open, and Angel was unconscious.
      "Well Absolem, I think it's about time we got you home!" said Sparky.


      About an hour later, Sparky and Absolem reached the outskirts of the forest.
      "Ok, where to now?" asked Sparky.
      "Well, that forest we were just in is called Tiny Woods. The quickest route to my home would be through Sinister Woods, but of course that place is crawling with dangerous Pokemon so we're not going there…"
      "I see. So Sinister Woods it is." said Sparky as he walked forward.
      "What?! No! I said we're NOT going there!"
      "You also said there were dangerous Pokemon, which makes me want to go."
      "How could that possibly make you want to go?!"
      "Because there might be food."
      "That doesn't make any sense!"


      Somewhere, deep within Sinister Woods...
      "Alright, we have our job. Anyone who trespasses in our forest will pay, right?"
      "Right. We'll ambush them, take their belongings and tell them to spread the word - don't come to Sinister Woods."
      "We'll guard the ruler's land. No."
      "WHAT!" they all cried in unison.
      Reply With Quote
      Old March 1st, 2013 (7:29 PM).
      Astinus's Avatar
      Astinus Astinus is offline
      Remember NovEnder
        Join Date: May 2006
        Location: Connecticut, USA
        Age: 30
        Gender: Male
        Posts: 10,054
        I started to read this, and something became very noticeable to me. It was very confusing to keep in mind what was going on and who it was happening to. For instance, in the beginning scene, it took a little bit to figure out that Richie is the Raichu and Sparky is the Pichu.

        Narration is what you need more of. Instead of your story being mostly dialogue, include more descriptions of what the characters are doing as they talk. Like when Sparky is "furious-looking", show that he is by his paws clenching or having him glare at Richie.

        Also, some more back story about the characters. Like how did Sparky meet Richie, or how did Richie become a Gold Ranked Rescue Team Leader. And where did Garchomp come from and why does he have it out for Richie?

        Same with the battle scene. Describe the attacks more. How did Garchomp manage to slash Richie deep enough to kill him (and how did Richie not even notice it?) Why didn't Richie, an experienced fighter, not expect Garchomp to use Dig? How does Sparky feel to watch his hero die?

        Taking the time to describe the world your story's in, what the characters are doing, who the characters are, and how the characters feel make your story more real in the reader's mind.

        Keep writing and good luck!

        The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
        Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
        An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
        Sadly, these are things I'll never become

        Reply With Quote
        Old March 20th, 2013 (3:24 PM).
        Chaririley Chaririley is offline
          Join Date: Apr 2012
          Posts: 16
          Chapter Three : Scythe-Arms Carter

          "So this place is dangerous?" asked Sparky as he and Absolem entered the thick gathering of trees that marked the entrance of Sinister Woods.
          "Really, really, really dangerous!" replied Absolem. "The Pokemon who live there are all extremely violent! Not to mention the Blade Brothers…"
          "The Blade Brothers?"
          "They're a group of three Pokemon who use different kinds of blades to fight their opponents. They're complete monsters and will attack any outsiders - whether they mean any harm or not."
          "Oh, yeah, we're definitely going into this forest!"
          "What?! Why?!"
          "These Blade Brothers sound strong. Maybe they'll join my Rescue Team."
          "They'll kill you before you have a chance to ask!"
          "Hmm… Nah, I'm pretty strong."
          "Oh, it's hopeless…"

          They continued walking until the trees got so bunched together they almost completely obscured the sun, making it extremely hard to see.
          "I think we should head back, Sparky. This probably leads to a dead end." concluded Absolem as he turned around to walk back. He walked forward for a few seconds.
          "Sparky?" said Absolem as he noticed Sparky wasn't following him. He was staring at the trees nearby.
          "These trees…" he said.
          "What about them?" asked Absolem as he walked up to trees himself.
          "They're all marked…"
          "Marked?" Absolem squinted in the darkness to examine the trees. A large 'M' had been cut into each of them.
          "M… What could that mean?" said Absolem.

          "It means you shouldn't be here." Sparky and Absolem turned around. A Sunflora was standing a short distance away, glaring at them menacingly.
          "Oh, really?! We're terribly sorry! We'll leave this instant! Come on, Sparky!" said Absolem.
          "Why not?" asked Sparky.
          "This is the ruler's territory, and I'm one of the ruler's guards. You'll have to be punished for trespassing."
          "You're gonna punish us?!" said Sparky as Absolem squealed in the background.
          "No." said a voice. "We're gonna punish you."

          A large group of Pokemon appeared from the trees, including Sudowoodo, Wooper and Ledya. Sparky looked at them all.
          "Oh? So it's a fight you want!" he smirked. The Sunflora began to laugh.
          "A fight?! No! This isn't gonna be a fight - you won't be hurting us at all!"
          "Is that right?" Sparky scowled as his cheeks began to spark with electricity.
          "What can a pathetic Pikachu do?" jeered the Sunflora.
          "THIS!" cried Sparky as a large bolt of electricity flew from his body and hit the Sunflora, sending him flying out of sight.

          The entire group of Pokemon stared wide-jawed at Sparky in disbelief.
          "A-alright! It looks like we're dealing with a tough individual!" said a Sudowoodo. "But he still can't take all of us!"
          "Yeah!" the rest of the Pokemon cried. They all started approaching Sparky and Absolem.
          "Sparky! We've got to run!" pleaded Absolem.
          "Not a chance!" replied Sparky as his cheeks flared with electricity.
          "You can't defeat all of them!"
          "Maybe not, but it's worth a shot!"
          "Sparky, please!"

          "LOOK OUT!" screamed one of the Pokemon.
          "Huh?" said Sparky.
          "THE TREE! THE TREE!" they cried. Suddenly, a loud creaking noise emitted around the area.
          "Sounds familiar…" muttered Sparky.
          "Sparky! Watch out! To your left!" cried Absolem.
          "To my left?" Sparky turned his head to see what Absolem was talking about. A large tree was falling down - and was about to fall right on top of him.
          "What the-?! What caused it to fall?!" cried Sparky.
          "Doesn't matter! Get out the way!" yelled Absolem.
          "Did someone knock it down?!"

          The tree hit the ground with a low thud. Absolem squeezed his eyelids together, unwilling to let himself see the damage the tree had done to Sparky, praying that it wasn't too bad.
          "Huh. Well, that was convenient." said a familiar voice. Absolem opened his eyes, and felt both relief and shock at the sight of Sparky standing in the same spot as before, but with the end of tree just in front of him.
          "That's odd. I could have sworn the tree was longer than that." mused Absolem.
          "You were right, kid." said a nearby Ledya. "Look behind you." Absolem turned his head to see a segment of a tree.
          "Sparky! That's the segment that was going to hit you!" exclaimed Absolem. "Did you cut that off?!"
          "No…" Sparky said, frowning in confusion. "There was just a flash of green, and suddenly it came off."

          Suddenly the guards turned pale.
          "D-did you say a f-flash of g-g-green?!" stuttered a Sudowoodo.
          "Uh… Yeah?" replied Sparky. The guards exchanged terrified looks. Suddenly, a green blur passed through the small area in the blink of an eye, stirring up a small breeze. The guards turned even paler.
          "Sparky! Look at the tree!" said Absolem.
          "Wha-?!" cried Sparky, jumping back a little in surprise as he looked at the tree in front of him. The originally whole tree was now cut into two segments. The green blur passed again. As it disappeared, the two segments of the tree turned into four segments.
          "IT'S HIM!" screamed one of the Wooper. "WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"
          "What about the master?! He'll kill us if we don't see to these trespassers!" argued one of the Ledya.
          "IF WE STICK AROUND HERE HE'LL KILL US!" And with that, they all ran away as fast as they possibly could, leaving Sparky and Absolem alone.

          "What the hell was that about?" said Sparky.
          "I don't know… But we should probably get out of here as well!" replied Absolem.
          "You saw how scared those thugs were of that green flash!"
          "Uh huh?"
          "If blood-thirsty killers like them are scared of something it must terrifying!"
          "Yeah… And strong!"
          "No, Sparky! Don't you dare get any ideas!"
          "Maybe he can join my Rescue Team!"
          "I wouldn't count on it!"
          "Neither would I." said a deep, calm voice.

          Sparky and Absolem turned around. Leaning against a tree with his eyes closed and a calm, almost disinterested expression on his face, was a Scyther. He slowly rubbed the scythes he had for arms together. They looked sharp enough to cut through steel.
          "Oh, hey!" Sparky said friendlily as he smiled.
          "Sp-Sp-Sparky…" stuttered Absolem, barely above a whisper. "I-it's him… He's one of the B-B-Blade Brothers!"
          "I see…" said Sparky in a serious tone. "So what's going on?" he said turning back to the Scyther and smiling.
          "Why won't he ever learn…" said Absolem.
          "You need to leave." replied the Scyther.
          "I've been trying to tell him! Honestly! We'll leave right now! Just please spare us!" begged Absolem.
          "He already did." said Sparky.
          "You're the one who cut away that segment of the tree that was going to hit me, aren't you?" Sparky asked the Scyther. "You saved me."

          The Scyther quickly stood up straight and gave Sparky and Carter and intimidating stare.
          "Oh, don't get it twisted. I couldn't care less about your well-being, to be honest, but if you had left this forest injured, you could have reported to the government, and they'd label this place a "dungeon", and we'd have Rescue Teams by the dozen coming here to capture the inhabitants. So I had to save you from being injured, and scare off the guards so that they wouldn't fight you. I wasn't saving you though - I was saving this forest!"
          "We understand! We'll leave this instant!" cried Absolem. Sparky began to laugh.
          "So you are a good guy, after all!"
          "Is that so?" said the Scyther.
          "Yeah, but don't worry, that wouldn't have happened."
          "Oh? You wouldn't have reported us to the government?"
          "No, I wouldn't have been injured by the guards. I would have beat them all."

          The Scyther stared at Sparky silently for a few seconds before smirking.
          "You sure have a lot of confidence!"
          "That's what years of training does!"
          "Training, huh? I know a thing or two about that…"
          "So you must be pretty strong."
          "I'd hope so."
          "So then why don't you join my Rescue Team, Team Underdogs?"
          "I'll have to politely decline your offer. I work alone, and besides, I have no interest in rescuing others."
          "I see… Well, you're joining anyway."
          "What? I already said no."
          "I've decided you're joining."
          "No! Now get out of here, or you'll regret it!"

          With a flash of green, the Scyther was gone.
          "Let's get out of here, Sparky!" said Absolem.
          "No way! That guy was awesome! He's joining my Rescue Team!" Sparky replied enthusiastically.
          "But he declined!"
          "But I've decided he's joining!"
          "That makes no difference!"
          "Yes, it does! Now, come on! Let's go find him again!"
          "Sparky, no!" Absolem cried, but Sparky had already ran off.
          "Oh… Why do I even try?" Absolem groaned before reluctantly following Sparky.

          After running non-stop for five minutes, Sparky came to a halt.
          "Where the hell is he?!" he exclaimed.
          "You… Saw… How… Fast… He was…" panted Absolem as he ran up to Sparky.
          "I guess you're right. So the only solution is that I need to get faster…"
          "This is dangerous, Sparky! We could run into those guards again!"
          "I already said, I can beat them!"
          "Ok, well what if we run into another one of the Blade Brothers? They might not be so merciful."
          "Have faith in me, Absolem. I promised you I would get you home, didn't I?"
          "And I'm going to do that. I won't let you down."
          "Sparky… I'm… I'm sorry for doubting you. I just have always been a coward. I'll trust from now on!" declared Absolem.

          "I'm sorry for breaking up this… "Touching" moment, but I'm afraid you two are in trouble." said a pompous voice. Sparky and Absolem looked around for the source of the voice. Suddenly, a Weedle came crawling through the trees. Sparky looked at it for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.
          "Oh, no! A Weedle!" he shouted. "Whatever shall I do?"
          "I shall let that little insulting mockery slide, but you're still in trouble for trespassing. Oh boys!" the Weedle chimed. Suddenly, two Noctowl flew into the clearing.
          "Take them away." he ordered. One Noctowl picked up Sparky with his talons, while the other picked up Absolem.
          "Ooh… Where are we going?" asked Sparky excitedly.

          "Well, this was not what I expected." commented Sparky. He and Absolem had been tied up in a tangle of vines and we unable to move.
          "Sparky! Can't you do something?!" pleaded Absolem.
          "Sure!" replied Sparky. He proceeded to try and bite through the vines but to no avail.
          "Well, I'm fresh out of ideas." he concluded.
          "What?! I can't die here… My mother… I'll never see her again…" said Absolem as his eyes filled with tears.
          "Maybe I can be of assistance." said a deep, calm voice. In a flash of green, the vines restraining Sparky and Absolem fell to the ground.
          "Scythe guy!" cried Sparky happily as the Scyther they met earlier appeared before them.
          "I thought you had no interest in rescuing others?" said Absolem.
          "I don't, but you two could be of assistance to me." replied the Scyther, and with that, he walked off.
          "Yeah, I assisted you, so now you assist me."
          "Seems fair." said Sparky.
          "By the way, the name's Carter." smirked the Scyther. ""Scythe-Arms" Carter!"
          Reply With Quote
          Old March 29th, 2013 (2:19 PM). Edited March 29th, 2013 by Chaririley.
          Chaririley Chaririley is offline
            Join Date: Apr 2012
            Posts: 16
            Chapter 4 : The Sharpest Scythes

            "Carter, huh?" said Sparky. "So the name of my first team member is Carter…"
            "I already told you, I'm not joining your team!" yelled Carter, temporarily losing his cool.
            "Mr Scythe-Arms, sir?" said Absolem.
            "If you don't mind, could you tell us what exactly we're assisting you with?"
            "I suppose I should let you know what you're getting into…. Alright. As you may have gathered, this forest has a ruler. He's a Pinsir named Murray."
            "Murray… So that's what those 'm's on the trees stood for!" exclaimed Absolem.
            "Correct. He cut those in himself."
            "What about that dumb Weedle? He seemed like he had authority in the forest." commented Sparky.
            "Ah, yes. He's called Draco. He's Murray's second-in-command."
            "A weakling like him?" scoffed Sparky.
            "He's so terrified of Murray, he'll do anything he's asked. Murray likes that, so he's gave him authority over the forest. Though, really, Murray views him as as
            much of a servant as everyone else."
            "I see. I still don't understand what you want us to do though." said Absolem.

            Carter closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
            "I've wanted to take down Murray for a long time now. However, I've never been able to fight him one on one. He's always gotten his guards to attack. That's where you two come in."
            "Ooh… I like where this is going." said Sparky.
            "I don't…" said Absolem.
            "You two are gonna fight the guards while I take on Murray."
            "Woo hoo!" celebrated Sparky. "I've been wanting to fight those annoying guards for a while! This is great!"
            "This is awful! I can't fight!" cried Absolem.
            "Well, if you want, I could tie you back up in those vines…" offered Carter.
            "N-no, I'll fight!" answered Absolem.
            "Let's go!" shouted Sparky as he ran off into the forest.
            "Sparky! You don't know where you're going!" Absolem called after him.

            "You're weak, Carter. I see all that training isn't doing anything for you." said a familiar voice inside Carter's head.
            "Shut up!"
            "Hey! Come on, guys! We Blade Brothers shouldn't be arguing, we need to be united if we're gonna protect the forest!
            "Aw, shut up, stop protecting the little weakling!"

            "Hey, are you ok?" asked Absolem, snapping Carter out of his flashback.
            "Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. We need to get going." he said before walking off.
            "Oh, um, ok."
            "Get ready, Murray. This time, I'll beat you!" thought Carter.


            "Take this!" yelled a Pinsir as he swung his pincers at a Farfetch'd.
            "Too slow!" said the Farfetch'd as jumped out the way.
            "My turn!" the Farfetch'd cried as he used his stick to sweep across the Pinsir's feet, knocking him over.
            "Looks like I win again, Murray!" he concluded triumphantly as he pointed his stick at the Pinsir's chest.
            "You wait, Aramis! One day, you'll be at my feet!" laughed Murray as Aramis helped him up.

            "You call that blade fighting?!" said a voice. Aramis and Murray turned around to see a young Scyther running towards them.
            "What do you want, scythe-arms?" asked Murray scornfully.
            "My name's Carter, actually! And I'm going around the forest challenging people who use blades!"
            "I see. And how's that going for you, Carter?" asked Aramis.
            "Well… Actually, you two are the first I've come across…" Aramis and Murray both started laughing hysterically.
            "So you two will be my first two victories!" yelled Carter.

            Aramis and Murray both stopped laughing.
            "You think you're tough, do ya?!" scowled Murray.
            "He's got attitude, that's for sure!" said Aramis.
            "Why don't you give him a taste of reality?" suggested Murray.
            "Reality..." repeated Aramis thoughtfully. "I'll give him a taste of reality - at least the reality of how things are currently."
            "Alright, let's go!" cried Carter.
            "Hang on, why don't we make a deal?"
            "A deal?"
            "Yeah. If you win, I'll hand over my prized stick. But if I win, you have join the Blade Brothers!"
            "Fine! You'll be losing a stick soon!"

            Carter got into a fighting stance as Aramis just stood with a smile.
            "Ha!" cried Carter as he swung at Aramis. Aramis simply side-stepped out the way, raised his stick and struck Carter across the head. Carter hit the forest floor with a soft thud.
            "Well, that was harder than I thought it was gonna be." commented Aramis.

            Around ten minutes later, Carter came to.
            "Well, I'd say that's a win, scythe-arms!" said Aramis.
            "B-best of three…" replied Carter, slurring his words as his head slowly stopped spinning.
            "Hey, Aramis, were you serious about him joining the Blade Brothers?" asked Murray.
            "Deadly, Murray!"
            "Oh yeah, I forgot about that..." muttered Carter. "What is the Blade Brothers?"
            "The Blade Brothers is a group consisting of powerful blade users." explained Aramis.
            "Yeah, powerful. Nothing to do with the weakling." commented Murray.
            "Their main objective is to protect the forest from any attackers. Currently, the only members of the group are Aramis and I."
            "I see... And you!" Carter said, turning to Murray. "Fine! Maybe I'm not so strong now, but I'll get stronger! Then we'll see who's the weakling!"
            "Humph!" said Murray.
            "Be here tomorrow morning at noon! Your training will begin then!" declared Aramis.
            "See you then!" Carter replied before running off.
            "What the hell was that?!" demanded Murray. "What use will a weakling like him be to the Blade Brothers?!"
            "He may be a weakling now, Murray, but one day he'll surpass me..."
            "You're crazy..."


            "Two-hundred fourty-two… Two-hundred fourty-three…" muttered Carter as he chopped block after block of wood.
            "Scythe-arms-kun!" said Aramis in a stereotypical Japanese sensei voice.
            "Why are you talking like that?"
            "I'm just having a little fun!" replied Aramis, returning to his regular voice. "So how are you getting on?"
            "Well, I just reached two-hundred and fifty blocks… Which makes eighty four thousand, six hundred and seventy two blocks if you include all the blocks I've chopped for the last three months!" Carter stated in an annoyed manner.
            "Don't say it like that! This exercise helps harden your blades! It's essential you do this if you want to be good at blade fighting!"
            "Whatever you say, Eyebrow-san!" said Carter, adopting the Japanese sensei voice Aramis had done earlier.
            "Yahahaha! That's the spirit!"


            "Alright, so we'll try that!" Murray said to Aramis. "It'll be perfect training for the Blade Brothers!"
            "Huh? The Blade Brothers? Shouldn't I be involved?" asked Carter as he stopped chopping his blocks.
            "You're a trainee, scythe-arms. You're nowhere near me and Murray's skill level. You're not strong enough to be a fully-fledged Blade Brother." replied Aramis.
            "Hey! It's been almost a year since I first joined! I think I'm at least near your skill level now!"
            "Well, if you still think you're so tough, why don't you try fighting Aramis again? See how things have changed! Murray suggested mockingly.
            "Sure, it'll be a great chance to show off how strong I've become!" said Carter confidently.
            "You couldn't defeat me a year ago, you won't defeat me now!" declared Aramis.
            "I've been training every day! I'm a lot stronger than I was before!"
            "You're still six years too early to even compete with me!"
            "We'll see about that!"
            "Ready? Go!" cried Aramis.

            Fifteen seconds later, Carter was on the floor, defeated.
            "Wow! So strong!" laughed Murray as he walked off. "That training's made so much difference! Hahahaha!"
            "Damn… And I really wanted to join the Blade Brothers…" Carter said as he got choked up.

            Aramis watched him silently.
            "Shut up, Carter, I'm not in the mood for your pathetic crying!" he said finally.
            "After almost a year of training you can still beat me without blinking an eye... How do you think that makes me feel..."
            "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!" yelled Aramis.
            "Huh?" said Carter.
            "You know, Carter, if anyone should be crying... If anyone should be upset... If anyone should be cursing their abilities... It's me! Species like Scyther and Pinsir... You and Murray... They're genetically made so that they're advanced blade users! Are Farfetch'd?! Yahaha! Hell no! So yes, I am stronger than you right now! However, eventually nature will take it's course! Even if I trained my absolute hardest every day, you'd still surpass me eventually! I love blade fighting... But being a blade user has become pointless!"
            "Carter... I didn't mean it like that..."
            "ENOUGH!" cried Aramis.

            Carter and Aramis stared at each other silently for a few seconds.
            "Honestly..." Aramis said, breaking the silence. "When did you get so cheeky you thought you could talk down to me?"
            "Huh?" said Carter.
            "Remember who's the master here!" Aramis smiled. "You've still to beat me! I recommend you get to work!"
            "You mean...?"
            "Yahahaha! Back to the training!"


            "EVERYBODY RUN! ROCK-TYPES! ROCK-TYPES ARE ATTACKING!" screamed a distant voice.
            "Huh?" said Carter as he stopped chopping logs.
            "DANGER! ROCK-TYPES! RUN!"
            "Uh! There's trouble! I need to help! It's my duty as a trainee Blade Brother!" declared Carter.
            "I will protect the forest!" he yelled as he ran off.

            "You're a pretty one!" a mean-looking Graveller said to a young female Sentret he was constraining.
            "Please let me go… Please…" the Sentret begged tearfully.
            "Hey! Ugly!" called a voice.
            "Huh?" said the Graveller, turning around.
            "You'll have to take me on if you want to get to her!" said Carter, pointing his scythes at the Graveller.
            "I'll let her go. I'm in a fighting mood anyway!" laughed the Graveller.
            "Take this!" cried Carter as he slashed the Graveller across the face. "AH!"

            Carter looked at the end of the scythe he had attacked the Graveller with. It was bleeding heavily.
            "Your scythes aren't sharp enough to cut through my skin!" mocked the Graveller.
            "No… This can't be… I'm a Blade Brother… I have to protect the forest!" whispered Carter.
            "Now, you die! ROCK BLAST!" he yelled as a large rock suspended in midair appeared in front of him. "Bye, bye!"

            "CUT!" Aramis appeared from nowhere and used his stick to cut diagonally across the Graveller's chest before the Graveller could attack. The Graveller screamed in pain as blood flowed from his wound.
            "Get lost!" spat Aramis. The Graveller collapsed on the forest floor.
            "Aramis…" said Carter.
            "Are you ok?" asked Aramis, looking at Carter's wound.
            "I'll be fine…" replied Carter.
            "Yahahaha! Good, I was worried!"
            "Haha… ARAMIS! WATCH OUT!" cried Carter.
            "ROCK BLAST!"

            A huge rock hit Aramis right in the back with a cracking noise to accompany it.
            "ARAMIS!" screamed Carter.
            "Haha… I got the bastard…" muttered the Graveller.
            "Aramis…" said Carter as ran to Aramis' side.
            "What are you doing?! Get out of here! Get to safety!" ordered Aramis.
            "Aramis…" thought Carter as he ran off with tears streaming down his face.


            "Murray!" cried Carter happily.
            "What do you want?!" snapped Murray.
            "I haven't seen you since the attack! I've been worried!"
            "Well, don't be! I'm a Blade Brother! I can fend for myself!"
            "I'm a Blade Brother too, but I-"
            "SHUT UP!"
            "What? Why?"
            "Grr… If you think I'm so unworthy of being a Blade Brother, why don't you battle me?!"
            "With pleasure!"

            Murray sprang into action with a downward slash. Carter crossed his scythes into an x-shape to block Murray's attack. The pair clashed for a couple of seconds before Murray gained the upper hand and sent Carter rolling backwards. However, Carter regained himself quickly and jumped at Murray with an attack. Murray blocked it easily before taking a swipe at Carter. Carter jumped backwards to avoid the attack, before taking multiple shots at Murray, each one being easily deflected by Murray's pincers. Murray eventually charged forward sending Carter with his back against a tree.
            "VICEGRIP!" yelled Murray as he tightened his pincers around Carter's throat. After a couple of seconds of choking Carter, he let him go.
            "You're not worth killing!" he concluded before walking off.

            Carter dropped to his knees.


            Carter was silent as he walked to Murray's base with Sparky and Absolem.

            "I've been training for six years! This is the day I defeat you, Murray!" he thought.
            Reply With Quote
            Old April 11th, 2013 (1:10 PM).
            Chaririley Chaririley is offline
              Join Date: Apr 2012
              Posts: 16
              Chapter 5 : Murray's Empire

              "Put your god damn backs into it, I don't have all day!" shouted a rough-looking Pinsir.

              He stood in a large clearing right in the center of the forest. The clearing wasn't natural - he had ordered for all the trees to be cut down to make room for the base that he had designated for himself. Now he was ordering his servants to cut down more trees so that he could expand his base. This had become a regular thing. It wouldn't be long before he expanded so much that the entire forest lacked trees and was just one big clearing he used as a base.

              "How long does it take to cut down one damn tree?!" the Pinsir yelled. "I could do it in two seconds!"
              "But Lord Murray!" cried one of his servants. "You have the mightiest, sharpest blades of all! Our skill in cutting is nothing compared to yours!"
              "Hahaha! That's true! I see what you're trying to say!" laughed Murray.
              "That's good…" said the servant.
              "You're trying to say I should be the one doing the work!" Murray said, suddenly turning serious.
              "What?! N-no! Of course not, my lord!"
              "Remind me, who's in charge?"
              "Why, you, my lord!"
              "And what are you?"
              "Your servant…"
              "And if I tell you to do something?"
              "I must do it instantly…"
              "That's right! Glad you know how things work around here! Hahaha!" Murry laughed.

              "Murray, my friend!" cried a pompous voice.
              "Ah, Draco! I see you've returned!" Murray replied happily as he turned to greet the young Weedle.
              "Yes, and I bring good news!"
              "You know those two trespassers?"
              "Of course."
              "Well, I happened to come across them!"
              "And what did you do?"
              "I had them tied up and thrown into a clearing where no one would find them!" Draco chimed joyfully.
              "Wonderful! Good job as always, Draco!"
              "Thank you, Murray! Um, I think I'll go take a wa-"
              "And what about the girl?" asked Murray.
              "The girl, Murray?" Draco replied nervously.
              "Yes, Draco, the girl. The girl that stole a berry from me. Did you deal with her?"
              "Why, of course! Here's the berry she stole!" Draco said, rolling a berry to Murray's feet with his tail.
              "And you executed her, of course?"

              Draco turned pale.
              "Ah, about that…"
              "You executed her, right?!" boomed Murray.
              "Well… You see…"
              "Murray! She's eight years old for Christ sake! Just a little girl! How could I-"
              Draco was unable to finish his sentence as Murray's pincers tightened around his throat.
              "Murray! What are you doing?!" Draco said hoarsely.
              "I don't care how old she is! Eight years old, or eighty years old, anyone who opposes me must die!"
              "I understand that, Murray, but-"
              "You understand, do you?! Well then, Draco, tell me, why didn't you execute her?!"
              "I won't fail you aga-"
              "VICEGRIP!" Murray's pincers began to slowly close around Draco's throat for a few seconds before he stopped and let Draco drop to the ground.
              "You're not worth killing!" he concluded before walking off. Draco lay on the ground as his panting slowed down. He couldn't believe that Murray, his friend, had considered killing him…

              "LORD MURRAY! LORD MURRAY, THERE'S URGENT NEWS!" cried a voice.
              "Hm?" said Murray, looking around.
              "LORD MURRAY!" the guards that had been sent to deal with the trespassers came running into the clearing.
              "And what do you worthless guards want?!" growled Murray. "Draco of all people managed to take of those trespassers before you!"
              "Actually, my lord, he took of them after-" began a Sudowoodo.
              "SHUT UP!" whispered a Ledyba as she punched him over the head. "HE'LL KILL US IF HE FINDS OUT WE FAILED!"
              "My lord! We have urgent news!" said the Sunflora Sparky had attacked.
              "Well?! Out with it!" demanded Murray.
              "My lord… He's back… "Scythe-Arms" Carter has returned…" the Sunflora whispered.
              Murray closed his eyes and stood silently.
              "Um… My lord?" Murray's breathing became shaky.
              "My lord? Are you ok?" Murray opened his eyes so suddenly every guard jumped back five paces.
              "Find him…" whispered Murray.
              "AND KILL HIM!" he screamed. The guards immediately ran off, more to get away from Murray than to start their mission.

              "Carter, are you sure we're going the right way?" asked Sparky.
              "Of course I am! I've lived in this forest all my life, haven't I?!" snapped Carter.
              "I don't know, have you?"
              "Yes, I have. Besides, even the most moronic of people could find Murray's base! It's right in the center of the forest, so you just have to walk towards the center."
              "Umm… Mr Scythe-Arms?" said Absolem.
              "Yeah?" replied Carter.
              "If we have to walk towards the center to get to Murray's base, why have we been walking towards the edge of the forest?"

              Carter rolled his eyes.
              "I know this forest inside-out, I think I'd know if we were walking towards the edge of the forest!" he said.
              "But… Look over there… You can clearly see the entrance to Tiny Woods…"
              "Hm?" Carter walked over to some trees and peered through the gap between them. There, he saw the entrance to Tiny Woods.
              "Huh?!" he cried. "Dammit! You guys must have thrown me off-course!"
              "WE'VE JUST BEEN FOLLOWING YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME!" cried Sparky and Absolem.

              Carter sat down and leaned against a tree.
              "Well, anyway, I think we should come up with some kind of plan." he said.
              "Oh! I agree!" declared Absolem as he lay down.
              "Meh." contributed Sparky as he sat down on the forest floor.
              "Ok. How about this?" said Absolem. "Sparky can distract Murray, and then Carter can-"
              "I'm gonna go chop some trees to practise for the upcoming fight. This is boring." said Carter.
              "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED IT!" shouted Absolem as Carter walked off.

              "One… Two… Three… Four…" muttered Carter as he cut into the tree in front of him, making sure not cut all the way through and subsequently cut the tree down.
              "Hm?" he said as he stopped cutting the tree. He stood still and listened intensely.
              "That's weird, I could have sworn I heard-" Carter quickly turned around. He had heard another rustling noise.
              "What is that?"

              Then he saw it. There was a leafy branch protruding from a nearby tree that kept shaking - even though there was no wind. Carter watched it carefully for a few seconds. It shook again. Carter cut the branch off the tree as quick as a flash.
              "Heh. Too easy." he grinned.

              Suddenly, a white powder began to fall onto Carter's body.
              "What the-?!" said Carter as he looked at the mysterious power.
              "Wait… This isn't-?!" cried Carter as he realised what the powder was. He tried to dash back to Sparky and Absolem but his legs became weak and he collapsed onto the floor.
              "Dammit…" he muttered before he blacked out.

              "Carter's been a while. I wonder if he's ok." said Sparky.
              "Carter's one of the Blade Brothers. He's feared by the ruler's very own guards. I'm sure he'll be fine if he runs into any trouble." replied Absolem.
              "Yeah, but he's been gone for ten minutes. You don't think…?"
              "You don't think he went to fight without us?!"
              "How dare he! I was really looking forward to fighting!"
              "Sparky, I don't think…"

              "If you're looking for Carter, I know where he is!" chimed a pompous voice. Slithering through the trees, came the Weedle Sparky and Absolem had encountered earlier.
              "You're that weakling guy!" said Sparky.
              "I wouldn't be calling me names! Not when your friend's life is in danger!" said Draco.
              "Huh? Do you mean Carter?" asked Absolem.
              "I do indeed, my fine Caterpie!" replied Draco.
              "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" shouted Sparky as his face filled with rage.
              "Oh! Didn't I make myself clear? Excuse me, well, you see-"
              "WHAT DID YOU DO TO CARTER?!" demanded Sparky.
              "Aw, 'tis a shame… Your friend Carter wasn't careful enough and some Sleep Powder, ahem, "accidentally" fell onto him!"
              "WHERE IS HE NOW?!"
              "Oh, the guards were kind enough to bring him to good ol' Murray…"
              "What?!" whispered Sparky with is eyes twice their normal size.
              "Yes, well, I'm not sure what Murray can do for him to be honest… I doubt he'll be able to wake him up… He may have to just put him to sleep permanently…"
              "Shut up…" whispered Sparky as he shook with anger.
              "What a pity! But I suppose it is his fault for being so carele-"

              "I SAID SHUT UP!" screamed Sparky as he punched Draco across the face.
              "Ow! Ow! Oh, that hurt! That hurt!" cried Draco as he rolled on the floor in pain.
              "Sparky!" said Absolem.
              "Absolem, we're going - now!" ordered Sparky running to the centre of the forest at a blinding speed.

              "Ah, Carter… What a pleasure it is to have you in my presence again!" Murray said to a sleeping Carter.
              "Rejoice, servants!" he cried as he turned to his guards and servants. "For this is the time I take the head of my empire's number one enemy - "Scythe-Arms" Carter!"

              Murray was met with cheering and applause - though they all cheered out of fear of the consequences should they not.
              "And now! The time has come!" Murray said turning back to the sleeping Carter. "Any last words, Carter?" Murray was met with Carter's deep breathing.
              "I thought not!" he cried as he swung his pincers back. "NOW DIE!"

              "I don't think so, you coward!" shouted a voice.
              "WHO DARES OPPOSE ME?!" screamed Murray.
              "I do!" a large bolt of electricity flew out of the gap between some trees and hit Murray square in the face, knocking him over.
              "MASTER!" cried the guards and servants.

              Sparky walked menacingly through the gap and into the clearing.
              "Today…" he began. "Murray's empire… WILL FALL!"
              Reply With Quote
              Old April 11th, 2013 (10:44 PM).
              Astinus's Avatar
              Astinus Astinus is offline
              Remember NovEnder
                Join Date: May 2006
                Location: Connecticut, USA
                Age: 30
                Gender: Male
                Posts: 10,054
                It's been a while not only since I reviewed your fic, but also since you asked me for some help. I've been busy. Besides, it's easier for me to show you what I meant by narration with an example from your story. I'm going to pull one from your most recent chapter, since it stood out to me.

                "What?! N-no! Of course not, my lord!"
                "Remind me, who's in charge?"
                "Why, you, my lord!"
                "And what are you?"
                "Your servant…"
                "And if I tell you to do something?"
                "I must do it instantly…"
                "That's right! Glad you know how things work around here! Hahaha!" Murry laughed.
                Here's how it is in your story right now. But if we add in some narration (along with proper paragraph spacing!), we could have:

                "What?! N-no! Of course not, my lord!" The servant stepped back from his leader.

                "Remind me, who's in charge?"

                "Why, you, my lord!"

                "And what are you?" Lord Murray demanded, his pincers snapping shut to punctuate his question.

                The servant bowed his head. "Your servant…"

                "And if I tell you to do something?"

                "I must do it instantly…"


                The rest of the servants stepped away from their lone fellow. They didn't want any part of this. They knew what the answer was, didn't want to hear it spoken out loud.


                "That's right! Glad you know how things work around here! Hahaha!" Murry laughed.
                It's not just dialogue being bounced back and forth. The reader can get a basic image in their mind of who's talking and what they're doing while talking. There's even a mention of the surroundings, since this scene doesn't just have Murray and one servant Pinsir. There's a group of them watching this, and they can react to what they're seeing and hearing.

                When you're writing, try to keep this in mind. Who's in the scene and what are they doing in it? They're not just standing around talking. They're talking, but they're reacting to what's being said or moving around to show their characterization. Like Murray snapping his pincers shut to display his power over his servants, or the servant cowering because he's afraid. As I said, there's more than just Murray and the servant in the scene. You should try to keep everyone in mind, or at least the important characters if the rest don't need that much focus on them.

                The example that I wrote up is very basic. Writers tend to have different ideas of what's a good amount of description to have, and how to write it. (I wouldn't recommend trying to write the way I do! Definitely not!) But the idea is there. You just have to remember that your characters don't just talk. They feel and move to show their feelings.

                Right now, I'm not going to go over how to describe Pokemon battles. Those are a whole explanation on their own, and I don't want to give you so much information to try and work on.

                I hope this helps in some way. If you need any clarification or even want to send me some work where you try this so I can help you some more, feel free to send me a PM.

                The prologue begins now! Before you start to run
                Reach out with your hand and grab your freedom
                An absolute protagonist, a perfect hero...
                Sadly, these are things I'll never become

                Reply With Quote

                Quick Reply

                Join the conversation!

                Create an account to post a reply in this thread, participate in other discussions, and more!

                Create a PokéCommunity Account

                Sponsored Links
                Thread Tools

                Posting Rules
                You may not post new threads
                You may not post replies
                You may not post attachments
                You may not edit your posts

                BB code is On
                Smilies are On
                [IMG] code is On
                HTML code is Off
                Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

                Forum Jump

                All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:53 AM.