First off, are you writing directly in the post reply box? If so, then you'll want to stop. When writing fanfiction, you actually have to write in a word processor (Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, whatever similar program you might have) and either save it to your computer or
an online storage program. The reason why is because if you don't, you end up inadvertently rushing yourself, regardless of whether or not you think you are. Stories aren't cooked up in one sitting, especially if they're chaptered works. Even if you finish writing, you still have to go back and proofread your fic to fix errors you probably can catch on your own. (For example, notice how you keep saying you know what you should have said but ended up with typos at the places people are pointing out? That's how you know you can probably do some prelim proofreading on your own.)
I say "prelim" there because there's another tip I've got to offer for you.
Find yourself a beta-reader. The reason why I say this is because your most recent chapter (if it is one, which I'll get to in a moment) is riddled with errors of the same sorts bobandbill already pointed out. Going over your work with an objective reader
before you post your chapter might help you to avoid repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
Finally, I'll let you in on a little secret. While writing fics and RPing are sort of the same thing, they really aren't. With fanfiction, you don't just sit down and write a character's action until you decide to pick it up later. You sit down and write a full chapter from beginning to end. Now, I'm not sure if you actually consider each of your story posts chapters because you're not tagging them with anything, but your latest one especially could have simply been integrated into the scene before it.
So, before I even get into the story, that's the majority of my advice: take your time. I'd also suggest looking at other fic threads to figure out how fic writing is actually done because it's certainly
not a step down from RPing.
That being said, let me get into the story proper. To make things easier, I'm going to do this the way I beta fics, by putting in
bold, red font all my notes about grammatical errors. (Further notes will be in parentheses, like this. You'll want to delete those if you go back and edit.) If I find something to say about the plot, I'll make a note of it outside the quotes.
As the sun slowly goes over the mountain an Altaria (Always use "an" in front of any noun beginning with a vowel sound. Likewise, try using an online Pokédex to double-check the spelling of Pokémon names.) sings its beautiful song. Venya yawns and stretches her arms as a Roselia-designed (Because it's functioning as one adjective – as in, you're saying the blanket had a Roselia design on it, not that the Roselia designed the blanket – you'll want to hyphenate it.) blanket falls onto her lap.
(Note the paragraph breaks. That's because this is a line of dialogue, so it should be in its own sentence. Also, every first word of a sentence begins with a capital letter.) "Today's finally the day!"
She (This isn't a dialogue tag because it doesn't describe how the quote is being said. So, you'll need to separate this sentence into a new paragraph and capitalize its first word.) smiles brightly and runs (The smile doesn't run her fingers through her hair. It's a completely separate action, so you'll need to insert an "and" here and format the verb so that it's separate.) her fingers through her brown, short hair. She jumps off her bed and goes to her desk with a large mirror on it. All (Again, the first word of every sentence is capitalized. No exceptions.) over the edges are pictures of pokemon she dreams of having. She grabs (You'll want to decide which tense to use and stick with it. This is the error I was talking about earlier. bobandbill pointed it out, but you make it repeatedly in the most recent part.) a bag which (I'm assuming you mean "bag" instead of "back." You can't really pack a back, after all. Also, be careful about homophones. A witch is a woman who uses magic. Which indicates what object.) she packed the night before in excitement and checks it quickly ("Real quick" is slang. You'll want to avoid that kind of thing in writing.) before she got dressed. (I would also recommend rephrasing this sentence. The last part – the one about her checking the bag – feels a little out-of-place because you go from talking about what she's doing in the present to what she did in the past back to what she's doing in the present again. It feels like a lot of information and tenses flying around. Perhaps place the checking part in its own sentence.)
Rope, deodorant, food, lighter, blanket, and some clothing. She is happy she managed to make some room for pokeballs, even though she plans on leaving her first pokemon out all the time.
She dresses in a (Seriously. Take your time with writing. You're sharp enough to know you need an article – a, an, or the – in front of common nouns.) brown shirt with white pokeball designs (Because it's on both shoulders, I'm assuming you're referring to more than one design.) on the shoulders. Her pants are just plain black with bird toes on the bottom of them (Pants are plural, so the pronouns that refer to them should be, too.). She grabs (You use the present tense later on in this sentence, so you need the present tense here as well.) her favorite furry-eared (Again, it's an adjective, so you need to treat it as a single word.) hat and goes down the stairs with her bag on her shoulder. "Mom?"
"In here, (This is direct address, so you'll need a comma.) honey!"
She heard her mother in the kitchen of the small house. She runs in and sees (This is a common mistake I see, and I'm not sure why it happens. The apostrophe-S combination indicates possessive, and verbs are certainly not capable of possessing anything.) a large breakfast has been made. "Mom! I don't have time! I have to get my pokemon."
"I know, honey, but just eat a little bit first?" (The fragment looked like an afterthought, like you tacked it on after realizing you needed something else to say here.)
"You made a lot ("Allot" means "to distribute." Again, beware of homophones. Spell-check won't pick up words that are spelled correctly but used incorrectly in a sentence.) so I can stay longer, huh?"
"Maybe." She tried to look innocent. Again, this isn't a dialogue tag because there's nothing here to indicate how something is being spoken.) Venya sighs and eats quickly, almost choking on what little food tried to go down the wrong tube. (Or some variation thereof. People only have one throat, so.)
"Okay, Mom! (Because Venya is using the word "Mom" in place of her mother's actual name, you'll need to capitalize it.) Bye!"
"Honey, let me go with you. I want to see your first pokemon." Mother never did like her going on her (Be careful about pronouns. Here, you said that you're the main character, and although she shares your name, you'll want to avoid confusing yourself with her, self-insert or not.) own. She wants her to be a housewife like her. But Venya wants to go on her own and become friends with pokemon.
I'm going to stop here and say that I agree with bobandbill. You do a decent job at describing Venya to the point where we can get a decent mental image of what she looks like and how she acts. (The characterization could be deeper, but we can at least tell she's excited about going off on her own.) However, we don't get quite a good fix on her mother. You don't describe her at all, and instead of having her voice these concerns about Venya leaving (for example, by having the mother actually ask her if she really wanted to leave), you stop at telling us what her mother's intentions are. You end up contradicting yourself a little with the last one, even, by having the mother insist on going with Venya. It doesn't really say "please stay at home" to a reader so much as "I love you and am excited that you're doing this to the point where I
have to go and see what you're getting."
In other words, remember that the reader isn't you, so we don't really have a good image of what you're seeing. Describe
all of the characters at least a little bit (and not just your main one), and have their actions and inner monologue give the reader the idea of what they're thinking. Don't just say Venya's mother wanted her to be a housewife. Have Venya's mother look at her daughter with worry or even say things that might point to this kind of thought. If you go at it through that angle, the reader will find it easier to not only picture these characters but also step into their shoes and imagine what they're thinking.
Finally, she can do that. She dashes outside, (When you're going into a dependent clause attached to an independent one like this, you'll need to separate it with a comma.) not willing to wait for her mother. She runs to a large home that's far from the rest of the town. She can already see two other people. One of them is her best friend, a young boy with a black vest, a purple shirt, and light pink pants. (Because you're describing all of the things this friend is wearing, it'll work better as a list instead of as a bunch of disjointed prepositional phrases.) His black hair is long. (Don't use phrases like "very pretty." These are opinions, which mean they don't actually mean anything to the reader. What's pretty to one person is ugly to another. A description, however, should be giving us decently clear mental image of what this person looks like.)
At this point, you're running into an awkward mix of description and non-description. You don't describe Venya's journey to the other house, so it feels like it takes two seconds to go from Venya's door to Point B. You don't really stop to describe the weather, what Venya's thinking, or even what she sees along the way, so it feels rushed and out-of-place in a spot where you might have been able to just use a scene break.
Meanwhile, your description, while it gives us an all right mental image (once you take out the "very pretty"), could use a bit of work as well. Like bobandbill said, this would be a case of infodumping, or a part of a story where you stop the narration to go off on a tangent. To be a bit clearer, the description of the boy doesn't continue the action either character's going through. You have it separate, in other words. This causes your narration to feel a little disjointed because you're stepping out of the story's frame for a moment just to give us an image of what this character looks like.
You actually have an example of decent description earlier in the fic, so I'm going to use it as an example of what you should try to aim for instead:
She smiles brightly and runs her fingers through her brown, short hair. … She dresses in a brown shirt with white pokeball designs on the shoulders.
Notice how you don't stop the action at these points, but you still give us an image of what Venya looks like? Specifically, notice how these actually fit into the story? Her fingers run through her hair as part of her way of stretching. She gets dressed as part of her morning routine, but she selects specific clothes. You mix action with description to keep the story going without breaking away from the narration to describe your characters.
Now, in the case of her best friend, you could try something like this:
She can already see two people. One of them is her best friend. His hands are in the pockets of his light pink pants, and he leans against a tree with his usual mischievous smile. Best friend or no, Venya can only return his smile with an awkward grin as her eyes run over the black vest and the purple shirt, all of which clash in such a way that it makes Venya almost embarrassed to be approaching him. Noticing her approach, he tilts his head, letting strands of his long, black hair spill over his shoulder and across his face.
Just a suggestion, of course. I highly encourage you to play with description and figure out what will work best for your characters, but the point is, don't stop the action just to describe a character. It's jarring for a reader.
"Venya! There you are! (It's a run-on if you don't put it in a separate sentence.) I was beginning to wonder," he (As a contrast to what I told you before about these kinds of things, this is a dialogue tag. Notice that the next word describes how the quote is being said? That means this phrase outside the quotation marks is attached to the quote itself, so you need to punctuate and capitalize things as if the phrase is part of the sentence.) says as Venya hugs him tightly.
"Anything happen yet?" she pants as she looks at his gray eyes.
"No, you're (Rule of thumb: Pronouns have apostrophes if they're contractions. So, your = you own something; you're = you are.) right on time." Some people may think these two go together, but they do not agree. They have been friends since grade school.
Reading over the last two sentences, I'm not sure what they have to do with each other. If you were trying to describe their relationship, I would suggest going into more detail in a separate paragraph. Tell us what you mean by "they don't agree." What does this mean for their relationship, considering they're old friends?
In fact, it might actually be better if you just had them disagree on something to show us how they interact with one another, rather than simply tell us that they don't agree. If you just tell us, we can't actually get a good mental image of what these two are like. Showing us allows us to see for ourselves that they look close but actually argue like a married couple or something along those lines. It prevents your characters' actions from contradicting what you're saying about them, and it allows us to visualize things ourselves.
Long story short, it's the old writing cliché, "Show; don't tell." Showing us how they interact by having them actually interact is more powerful than just telling us they act like X, Y, and Z.
Venya stood alongside (Alongside is one word, and it's already a preposition. You don't need to say "alongside with" because the "with" is already implied.) her friend Takeshi.
Another case of show, don't tell, actually. Have Venya say Takeshi's name. I mean, considering Venya sees two people already there, it might help to identify which one is Takeshi if she actually addresses her best friend that way. That and you really should introduce this character by name earlier either way. Otherwise, the name drop seems a little jarring.
Also, the narrator notes that Venya sees
two people, but the old man hasn't come down from the house yet. You also go on to say that there's three trainers in front of the old man. Who's the third person Venya sees? Even if Venya doesn't know the name of this character, it's still a good idea to give that person at least a short description or a bit of action. Otherwise, it feels like that person is just a cardboard cut-out or a puppet whose only purpose is to round the number out to the traditional three trainers for each available starter.
A old man comes down a path from the large house. He wears a large, white coat, brown pants, and black shirt.
I'm not sure why you keep isolating description in a sentence fragment, but you'll want to avoid doing that. It makes your writing disjointed, and it's not particularly necessary. Fragments are usually only used to heighten suspense or make something appear ridiculous. You're not doing either if you're just describing a character.
"I assume it's (Again, without the apostrophe, the pronoun becomes a possessive. With, and it's a contraction.) these three." He smiles brightly. The three trainers giggle and bow.
I'm starting to develop an opinion about Takeshi if he's wearing purple and pink and giggling in response to the old man. I'm also pretty sure you had no intention of making him come off as a little questionable, if you know what I mean.
In other words, be careful about your descriptions and actions. Don't have all three trainers do things in unison like they're part of a hive mind if you want all three to appear
straight as individuals with their own, separate personalities.
"Please give us a pokemon!"
"I'll need to see your papers," he says with a smile, but he was very serious.
(Note the paragraph break again. Just because you're going to lead back into the professor's dialogue doesn't mean you have to stick with one paragraph. In fact, if another character suddenly starts performing an action, you'll want to start a new paragraph anyway because you're moving from what one character is doing to what another character does in response.) The three trainers show their papers, which identify them as official trainers. (It's awkward otherwise because you're trying to attach another verb phrase to the main clause of the sentence. You actually just want an adjectival phrase – or a phrase that describes what an object is, not what it does.)
(Again, paragraph break to indicate you're going back into what the professor is saying.) "Please come with me."
Venya giggles and holds Takeshi's hand
Stopping here again to ask about the characters.
This is the third time you have any of the trainers giggle. I'm not sure if there's a reason for it. There's other ways of expressing excitement besides awkward schoolgirl giggling, especially if you're trying to get through some official process. I mean, this is like giggling as you go off to get a new car or your driver's license. Alternatively, it's like giggling as you get school supplies. You just don't giggle for these kinds of events, no matter how excited you are. Unless, of course, you actually inhaled nitrous or something just before doing all of this, but.
Also, I'm still wondering about that "do not agree" line you mentioned awhile ago. For two people who don't actually believe they go together well, they're very
close. I mean, it's perfectly possible for a girl to hurry along beside a boy without automatically reaching for his hand and giggling.
as they follow the old man. His name is Professor Monty.
Again, if you want us to know what his name is, you'll want to have the characters tell us what it is or at least go into a bit more description about the character himself. Right now, it feels like that sentence about his name comes clean out of nowhere and leaves just as quickly. You don't follow up with who this character is on any level: in terms of reputation, personality, occupation (besides professor), that sort of thing. We're just sort of left in the dark about this person.
Also, I'd hate to nitpick, but why Monty? Professors in the games are usually named after trees (with the exception of Hastings, who was given a name that was a pun on his personality; P, who has a name that stands for "Pokémon"; and Krane, whose last name... is a last name).
They followed him inside a fancy home that was filled with different types of pokemon.
You fall short of describing the setting again here. Instead of showing us what Venya is seeing, you just leave it as "a fancy house" and the helpers as just "different types of pokémon." I could be imaginging a cardboard box with a Caterpie plastering the walls with String Shot, and that might actually fit your description. In other words, it just goes back to what I said about the reader not being able to see into your mind to the things you want them to imagine. You have to present those images to us in as much detail as you can muster.
They seem to be helping him with cleaning the house and going around organizing. He comes back with three pokemon and their balls.
An eevee (Because you don't capitalize "pokémon" or any other species name, you'll want to avoid capitalizing "eevee" to be consistent.), a shinx, and a togepi.
Also, I'd suggest weaving that last line into the rest of the narration a bit better. As it stands, it seems to come out of nowhere, and it just sort of hangs there as a disjointed fragment. Perhaps describe each of the Pokémon and show them walking along beside Professor Monty?
Furthermore, if I may ask, why Eevee, Togepi, and Shinx? Starters are normally balanced so that one starter has a weakness to another and a resistance to a third. For example, Bulbasaur's attacks are strong against Squirtle, Squirtle's attacks are strong against Charmander, and Charmander's attacks are strong against Bulbasaur. Likewise, Bulbasaur resists Squirtle's attacks, Squirtle resists Charmander's, and Charmander resists Bulbasaur's. It's a balance.
With Eevee, Togepi, and Shinx, you don't really have that same balance. Two of them are Normal-types at the beginning, and the last one is an Electric-type. Neither of these types really sport a weakness or a resistance to each other. Then, after evolution, Togetic/kiss is weak to Luxio/ray, but the chain falls short because even if Eevee evolves into Leafeon (in order to be weak against Togekiss), Luxio and Luxray aren't weak to Grass-type attacks. Then, if you evolve Eevee into Vaporeon (weak against Luxray), Togekiss doesn't have a resistance to Vaporeon. Finally, if you try to evolve Eevee into Jolteon or Glaceon, that means two Pokémon in the starter trio (Jolteon/Glaceon and Luxray) are strong against the third (Togekiss). There's no real balance here, which means one of the rivals gets cheated.
While I'm not saying you should go with the same grass-fire-water combination, I'm saying it'd be a good idea to figure out a way to go with a combination that makes sense, rather than just three of your favorites. You can give characters your favorite Pokémon later, but the starter trio is structured in canon the way it is so that no trainer has an unfair advantage over the other two.
That and it avoids allowing your character to fall into a potential trap. Eevee really
is a random Pokémon, and a lot of people choose to give their trainers one, either because they think it's cool or because it evolves into their favorite Pokémon and several others. For this reason, Eevee itself tends to be overused as a starter, so it's actually harder to make your fic feel fresh, just because the reader might look at that and think that they're looking at just another new trainer story. Of course, this doesn't mean that your story
will be running along a cookie-cutter plot. I'm just saying that you'll end up having to work a little harder to convince us that it isn't.
Now, getting back to the point, throwing in Eevee here ends up pitching a wrench in the works, as I've mentioned earlier. It's a random Pokémon out of the three, which sort of says that it didn't really matter what the other two might be so long as Venya can get an Eevee starter.
Venya jumps with glee and kneels down along with the other two trainers.
(Note the paragraph break. It's especially important here because, thanks to the fact that you start off with one of Venya's actions, you actually end up implying that Venya is speaking, not Takeshi.) "I choose... Shinx," Takeshi says as he pets it gently. He quickly finds out it's a girl with how bright it is.
How bright what was? Fur color? Eye color? Sparks it might be giving off?
Seriously, though, as a note, female and male Shinx don't differ in terms of color. One can tell the genders apart by how long the locks of fur between their ears are. Males have longer hair than females. (This might tie into the fact that male lions eventually get long manes, whereas females of that species don't.)
"Mmmm... I choose Togepi," (Technically, if you're referring to the Pokémon's species – like the togepi and the shinx – then you don't need to capitalize. However, if you're saying those are actually their names, you'll need to capitalize them. Either way, yes, you need that comma at the end there.) the other trainer says.
(Note that I'm putting what Venya does and what she says in the same paragraph. This is because you want to keep everything about Venya in one line so the other trainer's actions can be a separate topic.) Venya smiles at the Eevee and gently picks it up. "I choose Eevee!" She hugs (Because you already say she's smiling, you don't need to say it again. It becomes redundant, like you're hitting the reader over the head with a wooden plank that says she's smiling.) the brown-haired and long-eared (Again, don't add in things like "cute" and "pretty." Some people don't actually believe Eevee is all that cute, so you'll want to avoid putting your opinions into a description. That way, the reader can make their own judgment about what they're imagining.) pokemon.
"Vee!" Vee yells happily.
If a Pokémon owned by the main character is going to get a nickname, you'll want the character to actually give them a name. Otherwise, this kind of information becomes background information. As in, the narrator and the reader know that the Eevee's name is Vee, but Venya doesn't because it's not spoken aloud and because she didn't actually give him that name.
"Here are your balls, and here are your official pokedexes (This is not a possessive noun, so you need to pluralize it like you would any other noun. Or, in other words, plurals don't have apostrophes.). This device already has your information. You need this at all times."
He doesn't explain why they need it?
"Thank you, professor!" the (This is still a dialogue tag, so you still need to keep it lowercase, even if the quote ends with an exclamation point.) three new trainers say at once. Takeshi and Venya walk out together.
"This is so cool!' Takeshi says as he watches his shinx walk with him. Venya holds Eevee and snuggles it happily.
First off, I thought you just named it Vee. No, seriously.
Second, you have this fondness of using gerunds (phrases with verbs ending in -ing), especially if you don't put a comma before it. I just want to say that it's probably better to experiment with adverb phrases like ones that being with "as," "before," and "while." That varies the sentence structure, allows you to avoid any messiness with commas, constructs sentences that don't sound quite as awkward, and generally allow you to establish a timeline of the smaller events. In other words, it's just less awkward to try fiddling with phrases like those, and it helps the reader to figure out when each action is taking place.
"I know! I love Eevee."
"Vee!"
"Shinx shi!"
(Note the paragraph break. That's because you've stopped talking about what the characters are saying. Instead, you're getting into what they're doing after they're done talking.) Shinx starts run ahead of them. Eevee jumps out of Venya's arms and runs along with it.
"Hey, you know what?" Venya loved the sight of the two new pokemon run.
You'll want to try rephrasing that last sentence so that it says something along the lines of "Venya said as she enjoyed the sight of the two new Pokémon." The reason why is because as it stands, it feels like you're about to launch into a description of what she likes about it or why she likes it, but you stop short and decide to attach it to a quote that has nothing to do with the fact that she's taking pleasure in watching her Pokémon play.
"What?" Takeshi looked just as excited.
"Let's travel together." Venya smiles holding his shoulder. "They like each other and..."
"Sure." He smiles and grabs her hand.
(Note the paragraph break again.) Venya and Takeshi hold hands as they go out of the city. Eevee and Shinx play with each other.
First off, they were in a city? (In other words, yeah, you'll want to really work on building the description of the setting. We had nothing to go on, so your readers really couldn't imagine what was going on and what this place was like. I personally thought they were in a place like Pallet Town, so I was imagining a tiny town with lots of space between buildings, not a city or even a suburb.)
Second, you know, for a couple of kids who don't agree with the idea that they're together, they're... very lovey-dovey with each other. (Again, characterization. Don't tell us that your characters are one way and have them act completely opposite to your description.)
A forest surrounds the whole town. Venya and Takeshi walk on a path through the forest. Eevee runs back as they start going in the forest.
(Note the paragraph break. This is to establish that Eevee isn't the one speaking.) "Eevee," Venya says picking him up gently. "My eevee." She smiles and puts it on her shoulders.
(Note the paragraph break again. This is to separate Takeshi's actions from Venya's.) Takeshi chuckles and kneels down to Shinx. He gently pets her and then picks her up gently. (The original version of this ended up being redundant because you said that he holds her twice... in the same sentence. If it helps, remember to read over your work aloud to make sure everything sounds right to your ears.)
Also, it feels a lot like they're treating their Pokémon like dolls. I mean, sure, the two play, but then, you've got Venya picking Eevee up and saying "my eevee" (which sort of reminds me of Gollum picking up the One Ring and calling it his precious) and Takeshi picking up Shinx and holding her gently (which really doesn't help the opinion of Takeshi I mentioned earlier). I'm not sure if it's intentional because they're new at this, but I'm just wondering if the way you handle a puppy and the way you handle a baby doll are the same. Not trying to be biting. Just trying to give you a comparison.
"What do you think will happen now?"
"We battle, we win, we survive," Venya says (Because you go on to say she's grinning, it's not really necessary to say she chuckles with one. It's a little redundant because, well, you can't really chuckle with a frown or a straight face. However, I suggest getting rid of chuckling instead of just the grinning because you have characters either giggling or chuckling a lot more than you probably should.) with a grin.
Venya and Takeshi walk through the forest, letting their pokemon play with each other. As night falls Venya looks to the stars while Takeshi gets some wood.
"Hey, can you come help me?" Takeshi asks as he puts the wood down.
Shinx puts down the stick in her mouth at the same time. Takeshi chuckles happily.
Okay, yeah, I'm starting to think the plants emit nitrous oxide.
I don't mean to be biting, but it's
really not necessary to remind the reader in every other sentence that these characters are deliriously happy. Everything that each character does is coupled with giggling, chuckling, grinning, smiling, hand-holding, or general expressions of glee or happiness. I understand that they're excited about starting a journey, but it just feels really forced. Even the tiniest chores turn into one song short of a Mary Poppins musical number.
When you build characterization, you've got to think about how people naturally act. If it's difficult to imagine, just try to picture how you'd feel and how you'd express yourself when doing a chore almost a half a day after you came home from a party. Likewise, think of how you would act in these situations. It's very unlikely that you'd be giggling and smiling
all the time just for little things, and if you are, I really do want to know what kind of lifestyle you're living on a serious level, just because it sounds amazing.
But the point is, good characterization is not just founded on having a set of personality traits and a background. It's founded on having the characters act naturally based on those traits. You might have a bubbly personality, but you probably won't be chuckling and smiling as you grab brushwood. I mean, even Ash, the happiest kid on Earth according to the anime, isn't laughing all the time. In a similar way, your characters probably should tone it down a little.
"Yeah, sure."
Venya takes out a box of matches from her pokeball-shaped bag. It's larger than (Then refers to time. Than is a comparison word.) it looks.
Is it really necessary to note that the bag is larger than it looks? I mean, aside from the fact that matches are pretty compact anyway, you could have noted this in your first post, when you described the bag in the first place. Also, it doesn't seem to affect anything. The sentence just seems to exist to justify why she's carrying this much (which is why I said that matches are compact – because an explanation really shouldn't matter either way). Don't try to justify your writing. Your narration and description, from the very beginning, should be solid enough that the reader can watch a character do something like pull an object out of their bag without thinking that it might sound weird.
They start a fire and have their (There is a place. Their means something belongs to them. An easy way to remember it is the fact that the one that refers to a place is the one that has the word "here" in it.) first night out in the forest. Venya is so excited she stayed up and watches Takeshi sleep.
Between this and the constant smiling, your characters are actually starting to creep me out a little. Not gonna lie, and I'm totally serious.
On a slightly more serious note, though, instead of telling us what Venya is doing, show us her sitting up and sighing. Maybe even saying to herself that she can't get to sleep. Show us the night going on and Venya still awake as hours pass. Don't just have Takeshi drop off into sleep and the narrator telling us that Venya is excited. For all we know, five minutes could have passed.
She pets Eevee, who was also asleep. She takes out her pokedex and checks what it says about her first poke-friend.
To be honest, bobandbill says it better than I can about the fact that a lot of sentences begin with the same word. It's true, though. It causes the flow of the story to break a little by creating a jerking tone. As in, the more sentences begin with the same word, the more your narration becomes redundant.
Eevee
It has the ability to alter the composition of its body to suit its surrounding environment. Has an unstable genetic makeup that suddenly mutates due to the environment in which it lives. Radiation from various stones causes this pokemon to evolve.
While I can tell you're probably going off in-game Pokédexes here, it just feels like they're all saying the same thing. Eevee's genetic code is unstable, so it evolves depending on its surroundings.
'Stones huh? I wonder if I should even evolve him,' Venya thought, looking at her low-level pokemon. She points her pokedex at her pokemon, and its attacks come up.
Tackle
Helping Hand ("Helping" was actually spelled incorrectly here, which makes me wonder if you were using a word processor to write this.)
Tail Whip
Sand-Attack (Sand-Attack is always hyphenated. Don't ask why. It just is.)
'Wow. He's really weak. Don't worry, Eevee. I'll make you stronger.' Venya closed her pokedex and looked to the sky with a grin on her face.
Overall, I'm going to have to say you'll need a lot of work here. First and foremost, slow down and switch to a word processor. Only post a chapter that you've finished writing and proofread thoroughly. This includes spell-checking. If you don't want to bother with having to correct every instance of a Pokémon name, turn on spell-check as you type to get the red squiggles under every word the program doesn't recognize. This helps you see what could be an error.
Of course, as I've said earlier, spell-check won't pick up instances of the incorrect word being used but spelled correctly. (For example, using "there" instead of "their.") Likewise, it won't help you with a lot of other errors you're making in capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structure. You can help yourself a little bit by reading your work aloud to listen to whether or not it sounds correctly to you. (Something that sounds awkward most likely isn't correct.) However, I think you'd benefit more with actually asking someone to be your beta-reader – more specifically, someone you don't already know. Go check out that thread to find potential candidates.
As for the rest of the story, I was really distracted by the way a lot of things were worded (as you can tell with my notes about your grammar and sentence structures), but once I got past that, I just found a lot more to work on. For one, your description was patchy. In some cases (like the first line), it was okay, but it quickly broke down into either a lack of description (especially concerning setting) or infodump-style description (where you stopped the story to describe something). Try to remember that a good description shouldn't stop the story just to describe someone's hair, and remember that your readers need all the details you can give them to help them imagine what your world is like. This is really important to work on because otherwise, we don't really have much to go on, which means it's hard for us to get into your story.
Characterization could be better, too. This is something you should carry over to your roleplaying as well, but basically, the trick is to have your characters act naturally. Don't create a character (like that unnamed third trainer) just to be used as filler. People notice that, and to them, that kind of thing (the characters who are practically ignored except to be given a line at an appropriate time that doesn't interrupt the main characters) makes it feel like the world is populated by two people and hundreds upon hundreds of puppets and cardboard cutouts. While I'm not saying every last extra needs depth, I'm saying every last character shouldn't just stand around and do absolutely nothing until you remember they're there. Have the main characters interact with them, or have them do something in the background.
As for the main characters, don't have them follow specific tracks of predictable reactions. For example, don't have them laugh and giggle and bow constantly, just because they're excited. Build them a personality and figure out how they would express themselves in every given situation. If they're doing something as simple as gathering wood, don't have them express excitement just because you think they should be excited about one thing. People can have a whole range of emotions for every situation. Think about how you feel and express yourself as you go about your day and use it to figure out how your characters might.
Now, about the plot. It might be a bit difficult. A lot of people have tried new trainer stories, and a lot of people give their trainers Eevee starters. This isn't saying I think you should stop. It's just saying that it might be a bit difficult to get your readers to look at your story and realize that it's not just another new trainer fic. So far, there's not much to go on. Venya leaves her mother's house, goes to a professor, gets her first Pokémon, and heads to a forest. She might be traveling with her best friend, but other than that, because there's not much background or depth to this character so far (sorry to say), it just feels a little generic at the moment.
In other words, you don't really let us get a good first glimpse of Venya or Takeshi so far (other than they're best friends who giggle a lot). We don't really know much about them, other than the fact that Venya doesn't want to be a housewife (not that we know
why). You end up following a pretty average start for a new trainer fic, so there's not much so far to separate it from any other new trainer story.
Now, I'm going to say one thing. Don't be too discouraged by the above. I'm sure you can get better, but you'll need to really work on it. You'll have to clean up the way you use language here, and on top of that, you'll really have to plan out your fic and work on bringing out your characters and plot in general. I would suggest doing a lot of reading first to get an idea of how stories usually go. Also, take your time and really sit down and think about how you're going to get your characters to do things. Stories aren't just one-player RPs, after all. You have to handle a lot of different things at once. You've got to be the one to provide the reader with the background information that we might not know about prior to going into your story, and you're the one who has to "play" all the characters, including the "NPCs," or the people who aren't your central character(s). Don't worry. You'll get used to it after handling a lot of fanfiction and practicing it. Working with a beta-reader will help in this regard, too, because beta-readers are usually people who are experienced enough to know the ins and outs of fanfiction.
In general, yeah, you have the potential to get better, but you'll probably need to really sit down, read a lot of other fanfic, and work with someone in order to do it. Good luck.
