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[Other Fanfic] Fairy Tail: Devil Soul Rises

DarkestMidnight

[color=black][b][font=Shadows Into Light]Demon Sla
412
Posts
8
Years
  • Hello everyone, welcome to my new Fairy Tail series, Devil Soul Rises. It will have all new characters, new and old guilds, and the familiar landscape of Fiore. Follow my Deviantart page, where I post new chapters of the story first. I can't wait to write out this series, I've been looking forward to posting this for a while. Well anyways, I won't keep you waiting any longer, here's chapter 1. Enjoy! :)

    Chapter 1: Him

    Spoiler:
     

    DarkestMidnight

    [color=black][b][font=Shadows Into Light]Demon Sla
    412
    Posts
    8
    Years
  • Hey there everyone, I just finished chapter 2. Hope you enjoy! :)

    Chapter 2: Boy of Light

    Spoiler:
     
    1,863
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  • Chapter 1: Him

    At the peak of Sacred Mount Zonia, a hooded man sat in silence. Around him, intense wind battered the mountain, but he wasn't one bit afraid of it. Sitting in his face-up palms was a wooden staff with a dragon head talisman on the top.
    Around a month ago, the land around the sacred mountain became cold and dark. People in surrounding towns and cities steered clear of the mountain, because of the man living there. He had quite the reputation for disaster.
    You already referred to the mountain as "sacred." Besides that, you could add detail to these two lines or even combine them into one paragraph. Like, speak more about Mt. Zonia or even the Mysterious Man residing on it.
    "That idiot," the man mumbled to himself. "I don't have all day to wait around here. He'd better show up soon, or else..." He paused and clenched his fists. The ground around him turned ash-gray and began corroding.
    Oh, so he's THAT guy. And I don't know much of that mountain's landscape, but how did the ground corrode? I'm assuming it's just dirt here or gravel, something already infinitesimally small. And I love to be 'that guy', so "Or else what eh?" 'Cause you know, the other guy'd actually have to be there to get punished by the hooded man.
    In front of him, another man landed on his feet and immediately bowed respectfully. "Sorry I'm late." He paused for a moment, then laughed softly under his breath. "You never were very social, I suppose."
    Did he, ah, use Teleportation Magic or something? He just...appeared. Also, "You never were very social." I don't think you gave him enough time to think of a response tho bro.
    The other man stepped forward and sat next to his comrade, a look of curiosity in his eyes.
    I threaten to "or else" my comrades too.

    Chapter 2: Boy of Light

    The streets of Midnight Harbor were quite busy around the summertime months. During this time, a boy named Akira Tanaka hunted for odd jobs around town. He didn't have anywhere to call home, so he often wandered the streets looking for adventure. In his free time, he had awakened his magic abilities, light magic specifically. Today, he would finally fulfill his dream of joining the town's own magic guild, Angel Heart.
    This, you can just as easily convey through the story than just, you know, releasing the exposition like FACE or something. Also, that last sentence sounds like episode one.
    "Whew, what a crazy day," Akira laughed to himself. "I worked so hard today, I could drop dead!" He walked around a street corner to the spot he usually slept in and sat against a wall. "If only I could take jobs from Angel Heart instead of all this boring street crap." He sighed, looking down at his palms. "Someday-"
    Spoiler:

    Right as he was about to strike, the air pressure suddenly became extremely intense and the sky darkened with rain clouds. In between Akira and the gang, a massive bolt of lightning struck the ground. When the smoke cleared, a man stood in the crater gazing coldly at the group of thieves. He was wearing black pants and a partially-unbuttoned gray shirt. His hair blew around loosely in a mess of blond locks. On his chest was the Angel Heart logo.
    Laxus is that you bro
    The man's sentence was cut short as the lightning wizard blasted him across the street with a light blast. The other gang members watched in disbelief as their leader was knocked unconscious. They decided not to take any chances and ran the opposite direction, looks of pure terror in their eyes.

    Akira slowly stood up again and managed a laugh. "Thank you so much. I don't know how much longer I would've held out against them."
    This and the little intro thingy at the beginning of the chapter are the only things I would call very trite in this story
    "Oh I'm sorry, I guess that was a bit rude of me. I'm Soren Jensen, S-Class lightning wizard. I'm also called the Sky Terror." He seemed to consider the situation for a moment, then he motioned for Akira to follow him. "I saw your magic earlier and I think you have both the skill and the heart to join Angel Heart. First, before we go to the guild, I need to know your name."
    Huh? Honestly, what skill and what heart? Akira made a quote-unquote weak beam of light and he was stammering all over the place and surrendered to the muggers. He said he worked hard earlier so how come he couldn't give any physical resistance? He actually gave a generic civilian response to getting mugged and realistically he would've been roasted crisply had Jensen not intervened. Speaking of that, Jensen handed Akira, who didn't actually show "skill and heart", an invitation to Angel Heart. And even if it's like Fairy Tail in which any grown up and orphan child can waltz in and get a Guild mark, that invite came very easily, maybe even more easily than how he found Akira in his peril in what were described as busy streets in the summertime. I'm sorry if any of this came off as overly blunt or rude but it's just what I've observed :P
     

    DarkestMidnight

    [color=black][b][font=Shadows Into Light]Demon Sla
    412
    Posts
    8
    Years
  • Hey Aisu, what's up? :) Thanks for all this feedback, I really appreciate it. I don't take offense from any of this, I actually love constructive criticism because I never get enough of it, so I kinda feel like I grow less because of that. The way I see it, you're just helping me become a better writer.

    Also, I realize I haven't been active with posting new chapters, I'm sorry about that. With studying for finals and all, I've been pretty busy, but I'll be writing and posting up a new chapter today. I'll try to be more consistent.
     

    DarkestMidnight

    [color=black][b][font=Shadows Into Light]Demon Sla
    412
    Posts
    8
    Years
  • Chapter 3: Welcome!

    Spoiler:
     
    1,863
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  • The guild hall itself was a simple wooden structure with three floor.
    I'm underwhelmed. No, really, I can't see something being described so plainly in the Fairy Tail world. Even Dark Guilds get a double page spread. Also, Akira didn't even walk in the Guild yet
    Soren, the Angel Heart wizard who saved Akira from the street gang, turned and spread his arms wide, a wide smile popping onto his face. "Here it is, kid. Welcome to Angel Heart!"
    Spoiler:

    "Hey Soren, who's this friend you found?" She hugged Akira's friend, then gently kissed his cheek. It was obvious they had some sort of relationship.
    Or she was just a fling, but hey, Akira might be too innocent to think about that
    Soren uncomfortably stepped forward and cleared his throat. "Um, hey there, master. I want to introduce you to a boy who wants to join the guild, his name's Akira-"
    Why would Soren be nervous? He knows the master, doesn't he?
    Without warning, the man spun around and took off his cloak. Underneath, he was wearing simple gray pants and a black long coat. His dark eyes twinkled with curiosity, and suddenly with one grin, the room turned blindingly bright. The room turned a pure white color and rays of light beamed out from every inch of wall. The dark fog immediately disappeared and light harp music began echoing around the small office room.
    Spoiler:

    In all seriousness, I have to warn you that this is reading a lot like Fairy Tail
    "The boy of prophecy? I don't know if I'd go that far-"
    Yeah me neither
    "Alright, Akira, are you ready?!" Ken stood with a book in his hand, smiling at the boy.
    This didn't need an exclamation point too
     
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