I'm not a grammar checker so I'll just say "Great chap, Dagzar." Nothing seemed weird to me but I did feel a little..disturbed reading how she got rid of the Scyther. Poor creature...
Yeah, I felt sorry for the Scyther to. It was only doing what it was told. Actually, the scene where Leah gets rid of the Scyther was much more graphic, but I decided to tone it down quite a bit since I thought it was too violent.
*Claps hands loudly*
Wonderful Dagzar. Simply wonderful. Out of EVERY chapter you have written so far, this is the best. the BEST. I mean it. You brought out Leah's true feelings, and you made blue show a side I didn't know that he had. I applaud to you Dagzar. I have been reading since you posted ch 12, and I have really enjoyed the emotions situations and humor that you have put forth for this story. I wouldn't be surprised if you became a professional author one day Dagzar. I honestly feel that you are a great writer, and i hope you continue to write for the greater (poke)community. And Dagzar, thank you for writing such a great story. I can't wait for what's still to come.
I'm glad you really liked it, pika! The chapter is pretty important since it serves not only as a turning point for Leah and Sands, but also for Blue (sort of, you can't really tell here, but something has
changed). This also marks the half-way point of the story (not really chapter-wise; that's a couple chapters ahead) and from now on, the story will be going in a different direction.
I liked the chapter; it's definitely for a mature audience. Good job :] and I hope to see you improve!
Thanks Yusshin! It's been a long time since I've gotten such an in-depth grammar review! I'll remember to keep my eye on those pesky comma splices to make sure their evil deeds don't bother my story again.
Blue, I believe, is where my dislike for this chapter stems. As in the above passage, you throw a lot of information about Blue at the reader that's been hidden for a long time. First of all, it's been hidden, it feels rather awkward and anticlimactic for it to be suddenly revealed. In addition, you TELL us this information, which is not as effective as showing us. Some real character development could have come from showing us some scenes from when Blue was living that pleasant life and maybe a few scenes from other assignments Blue was given in the past.
Blue's a tricky character, and I have the odd feeling that I'm starting to change his personality between scenes. It's difficult for me, in my mind, to separate the information (especially minor) that I know, and the audience knows, which is probably the reason that things are coming out anticlimactic. I'm not quite sure how to fix this other than keeping a very close eye on the chapters. Either way, I'll go back and do some editing and see what I can do.
You're right about the character development and while I don't deal with flashbacks, I think Blue deserves more scenes. Since the next few chapters are only planned in a vague sort of way, I think I can fit him in. Actually, this gives me an idea, and while it's going to take some editing in this chapter and a previous one, I'm totally going to do it.
*rubs hands together with a grin*
Up until here, I had a lot of respect for Blue. I thought his character was... more intelligent? His thought process as well as letting Leah go just did not seem to fit with what you have shown us this far of his personality. And his reason for letting Leah go was rather flimsy.
Yeah, it is pretty flimsy, isn't it? I'll go back and edit that to see what I can do.
Err... I don't really remember you using this notation before. Either way, its awkward, and I'm not quite sure what you are trying to convey by putting it in.
I'm going to cheat and just say it's an idea I had a while ago and nothing else. You'll find more about it later.
Overall, not my favorite chapter. I really liked Leah's scenes! And the jacket- that was neat. Sorry if in this review I've used awkward grammar/misspellings... My brain doesn't function right at five in the morning. I hope this wasn't too harsh! Sorry!
Don't worry about being harsh! Criticism can only help me improve. :)