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[Pokémon] Pokemon Survival Rebooted

3
Posts
11
Years
    • Seen Dec 26, 2021
    An age old fanfic I wrote when I was twelve. It was super edgy and most likely still is, so warning for excessive violence and light swearing.

    Prologue
    Spoiler:


    Chapter 1

    Spoiler:
     
    Last edited:

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
  • Hi there! Thought I would drop by and check this out!

    So far I like what you have with the beginning there. Two friends celebrating a birthday, only for it to be ruined. I'm very curious where you'll take this!

    I thought their interactions are cute, and you did their body language and reactions fine enough. I feel you can add more worldbuilding and sensory detail to the setting though. You mention this takes place in Kalos and stuff like flowers growing and all, but you can make the world come more alive by adding in the smell, taste, etc.

    One other thing I noticed is some words like village and house capitalize. They're usually common nouns so no need to capitalized them unless you have them proper nouns, like X Village and Lysandre House or something.

    I might see about coming back here time to time. I wish you luck!
     

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
  • All right, so usually I check out Prologues first and then First Chapters, but since you wrote the Prologue later I decide to check out how it relates to the first chapter!

    After finished reading the prologue, I get this biblical Pokemon vibes going on. Arceus tells Cyrion he must do this or else everthing's doomed. Then after that Cyrion saves the day and get remembered. So yeah, biblical vibes haha. I feel the first few paragarphs don't add much and you could just start with Cyrion's dream there.

    As of now, I'm not sure how the prologue and first chapter relate one another, but probably that will be be more clear as the story progresses.
     
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