[Pokémon] Pokemon:Search for Swarnakamal

Prologue:

The story takes place in the region named Nile which is located near sinnoh.
The Nile region is rumoured to have the swarnakamal(golden lotus) hidden in the shivar lake located in the centre of region.

Story of Swarnakamal:
Swarnakamal is the lotus which is said to be created by arceus
due to the uneeded battle between legendary pokemon like kyogre and groudon,dialga and palkia etc.
Humans were living in fear of legendary pokemons.So, arceus gifted a trusted person the Swarnakamal created by the power of all his fragment.
Swarnakamal has a power that it's
holder will have a powerful aura that will make obey even the Legendary pokemon.
So the selected person who gifted stopped the battles and made the humanity live in peace.
But,it was not last long soon evil eyes put a look on it and it was stolen.
As soon as the arceus knew that the Swarnakamal is being misused he hide the golden lotus in shivar lake.
Years after,scientist and archealogist are finding it,with them the evil has eyes on it too.
There is no avail uptil now.
But,can anyone find Swarnakamal be sure to check out.
In the story of Swarnakamal
[any suggestion for story is appreciated.Hope you liked the story line]

Hi, dropping by here as I thought I could give some quick feedback here.

First thing I noticed is I see sentence breaking up like this:

Swarnakamal is the lotus which is said to be created by arceus
due to the uneeded battle between legendary pokemon like kyogre and groudon,dialga and palkia etc.

Click to expand...

When it should be put together like this:

Swarnakamal is the lotus which is said to be created by arceus due to the uneeded battle between legendary pokemon like kyogre and groudon,dialga and palkia etc.

See how it's much clearer to read? One other thing I noticed is back to the part I brought up some of the words are not separated by the comma properly (for instance, groudon and dialga). When using commas, should be seperated like this:

...legendary Pokemon like kyogre and groudon, dialga and palkia.

I assume you wrote all this on mobile? If so, then that explains the weird sentence break ups and other weird formatting. I suggest writing your docs in a word document like Microsoft Word, Open Office, or Google Docs. Open Office and Google docs you can use for free. That way you can save your docs and then edit later before posting here.

I'll be honest here, there's not much to go by as it reads off more as a prologue/storyline. I don't mind a prologue if it's followed by a chapter shortly after, but yeah this reads too short at the moment. I will say though why arceus would need a Pokemon to handle the tensions of the other legendaries when Pokemon like Rayquaza and Giratina have those roles? Fanmade legendaries are fine too and I can understand you don't want to use the other legendaries due to them being used many times before, but as I mentioned there are other Pokemon that fits the role you have for Swarnakamal.

When I get the chance, I might still drop by to check on your progress, so I do wish you luck. Before I leave, I noticed you also posted another story and you're already a few chapters ahead. I might see about commenting a chapter or two on that thread when I have time.

Thanks for all your advice.
I will take care all those thing while writing sentences and apart from that the swarnakamal concept, i added it because it maybe connected indirectly to legendary but i don't want to connect the story like others in which the evil team has to capture legendary and all...
Thanks for the suggestion for story i will sure keep in mind some points and make sure all will find it intresting.
It will be very helpful for me if give your feedback after i will post my chp-1.

EPISODE-1:The Start
One day, in the early bright morning, in the village names as Bluebell village, the marning is as fresh as everyday birds are chirping, Milktank's are grazing, trees are dancing with wind.
In a house of bluebell village a noise suddenly strikes "Jimmy, are you ready we have many works to do''. "yeah mom" he repied "come down fast, have your breakfast" she said. Jimmy comes down and enquires "what's so hurry mom". "I want to make some fruitberry cakes for bakery so after your breakfast go and pluck some berries for me"she said to him."what?? mom you know i don't like to do such works" he said in a rude voice."now stop complaining and to the work fast" she ordered him.
So Jimmy goes to the nearby forest to pluck some berries for her mother when he hears a noise from nearby bush.
"Who's there?" he demanded. Suddenly a ratata appears from the bush holding some flowers in his mouth.
"whoa, what's going on?" he said in suprised tone. "come back here" someone said. "Now who's there" Jimmy asked. "oh,Jimmy it's you it's me Alice" she answered. "Alice what are you doing here" he enquired. "i was picking some herbs for our medicine shop"she replied"suddenly this ratata came outof nowhere he took my herbs from my hands." "Oh,is that so,don't worry i will bring back you flowers for you" Jimmy said. "oh thank you Jimmy." she said cheerfully. "go for it Eevee" he called out."Eevee use quick attack" so eevee attacks ratata and startles him he trew the herbs from his mouth and runs away.
"oh i got it thank you so much" Alice said happily"i am grateful to you". "Oh it's nothing"he repied.
So they both started walking in the forest talking with each others "so, what were you doing Jimmy" Alice asked. "Nothing special, looking for some berries" he replied. "oh for cakes, you mom's fruitberry cake is popular right now." she said. "oh is it?""yes. Of course!" she said.
So both of them starts roaming in the forest looking for berries Alice too helped him in searching berries. After they collected the berries they started walking back th their village.
They soon reached home and got seperated on their way to home.
Soon Jimmy reached home.
"mom, I am back" he shouted. He saw a man talking with his mom. He the person leaving angrily. "who was that mom?" he enquired "who know's" she replied rudely" he was very rude and weird, he was asking about some weird stone tablet." "stone tablet? What is that?" Jimmy enquired "god knows, well where are the berries i told you to bring" she asked "yes, here they are" he said "good, why did you take so much time." she said "well, there was a problem on the way"he said. "well,if you are free now, go and help dad in his work " she said "ok, if you so, by the way where is dad?""he is at food shop he is bring the stock for making cakes"she answered "Ok, i will go and help him" Jimmy said.
So Jimmy makes his way to the food shop to help dad on the way he was stopped by the village elder.
"oh, jimmy is it you?" elder enquired "yes, elder it's me do you have any work for me?" he asked "uhh.. What??" "I said do you have any work for me?" he shouted "oh..oh yes i have a work for you but why are you shouting" "umm...let it be""yeah, where was i, oh yes i was finding you dad where he is?" elder questioned "yeah. I know he is at food shop" Jimmy said. "tell him that i want to meet him, tell him it's bit urgent" elder said. "Ok, i will tell him."
So Jimmy goes further on his way to food shop and found his dad in food shop loading the truck with stock
"dad, i here to help you" Jimmy said "oh, is it i think mom send you for helping me" dad said. "yeah, yeah dad ok i accept it." Jimmy answered in rude voice.
So Jimmy and his dad start loading the stock in the truck and started to go back on his way to home.
On the way back home in truck.
Jimmy remembered about what elder said "oh, yes dad elder was finding you he said he has some urgent work". "oh it's ok i will go and meet him later.
So this is the end of another busy day in the Bluebell village.
But, there is something else going on in the village.
"did you find something about the stone tablet?" man asked "no, sir we have asked everyone in the village but they know nothing".
"No, they are lying that elder surely knew something, they will not tell us until we act forcefully." "ok, sir!" the servants said.
What is this going on in the village who are these people to know more wait for next episode.

Hey, so I promised I would give Chapter One a look, too.

I'm going to be honest here again. This was very hard for me to read because you posted it without breaking up the paragraphs. For instance, the beginning.

In a house of bluebell village a noise suddenly strikes "Jimmy, are you ready we have many works to do''. "yeah mom" he repied "come down fast, have your breakfast" she said. Jimmy comes down and enquires "what's so hurry mom". "I want to make some fruitberry cakes for bakery so after your breakfast go and pluck some berries for me"she said to him."what?? mom you know i don't like to do such works" he said in a rude voice."now stop complaining and to the work fast" she ordered him.

Click to expand...

A lot of the dialogue you can break it down into sepereate paragraphs for easier reading. Whenever someone new speaks, new paragraph. Like this (put it in spoilers)-



One other thing I noticed is the switching in tenses. Sometimes I see you use present tense (Jimmy runs) and sometimes past tense (Jimmy ran). For instance -

So Jimmy goes to the nearby forest to pluck some berries for her mother when he hears a noise from nearby bush.
"Who's there?" he demanded. Suddenly a ratata appears from the bush holding some flowers in his mouth.

Click to expand...

Here you have "Jimmy goes", present tense, and then "he demanded" (past tense). I don't know which tense you're going for, but looks like you're favoring past tense later in this chapter. Either way, if you have trouble with tenses usually having someone else check it over for you works.

Okay, onto the chapter itself. I think the pacing is all over the place. Pretty much Jimmy going from X, a brief mention that relates to plot, more him going to X, and then another brief mention to plot. When there was a mention of the stone tablet, you didn't have Jimmy get some moment to think, "wait, stone tablet? I would like to be more curious about it". Or along those lines.

You could put more details on your description too. By more detail I don't mean just describing the mountain. Moreso the sounds, the feel, the taste. Five senses and all. One opportunity is Jimmy's way to the food shop you describe the smell of whatever food is stored/nearby. ("The scent of pies and bread invaded Jimmy's nose".)

Wow, I apologize if this is very overwhelming, haha. I can understand English might not be your first language and hence a lot of the grammar and punctuation mistakes. If you can, have someone help you with the more technical stuff. I highly recommend checking out stuff on how to punctuate dialogue as there are some rules concerning that. I also still think you should save this in a word doc as I mentioned last review, if you haven't done so already, so you can set aside the chapter for a day or two and then edit later. I do wish you luck on future chapters.

Bay Alexison said:

Hey, so I promised I would give Chapter One a look, too.

I'm going to be honest here again. This was very hard for me to read because you posted it without breaking up the paragraphs. For instance, the beginning.



A lot of the dialogue you can break it down into sepereate paragraphs for easier reading. Whenever someone new speaks, new paragraph. Like this (put it in spoilers)-

Spoiler:

In a house of bluebell village a noise suddenly strikes.

"Jimmy, are you ready we have many works to do''.

"yeah mom" he repied

"come down fast, have your breakfast" she said.

Jimmy comes down and enquires "what's so hurry mom".

"I want to make some fruitberry cakes for bakery so after your breakfast go and pluck some berries for me"she said to him.

"what?? mom you know i don't like to do such works" he said in a rude voice.

"now stop complaining and to the work fast" she ordered him.

There's actually a lot of capitalization and dialogue punctuation that needs changing too. Like beginning sentences, you would capitalize the first letter in the dialogue. Also alot of times you'll need to add a comma after the dialogue finishes. The correct capitalizations and punctuation-

In a house of bluebell village a noise suddenly strikes.

"Jimmy, are you ready we have many works to do''.

"Yeah mom," he replied

"Come down fast, have your breakfast," she said.

Jimmy comes down and enquires, "what's so hurry mom".

"I want to make some fruitberry cakes for bakery so after your breakfast go and pluck some berries for me"she said to him."

"What?? Mom you know I don't like to do such works," he said in a rude voice.

"Now stop complaining and to the work fast," she ordered him.

One other thing I noticed is the switching in tenses. Sometimes I see you use present tense (Jimmy runs) and sometimes past tense (Jimmy ran). For instance -



Here you have "Jimmy goes", present tense, and then "he demanded" (past tense). I don't know which tense you're going for, but looks like you're favoring past tense later in this chapter. Either way, if you have trouble with tenses usually having someone else check it over for you works.

Okay, onto the chapter itself. I think the pacing is all over the place. Pretty much Jimmy going from X, a brief mention that relates to plot, more him going to X, and then another brief mention to plot. When there was a mention of the stone tablet, you didn't have Jimmy get some moment to think, "wait, stone tablet? I would like to be more curious about it". Or along those lines.

You could put more details on your description too. By more detail I don't mean just describing the mountain. Moreso the sounds, the feel, the taste. Five senses and all. One opportunity is Jimmy's way to the food shop you describe the smell of whatever food is stored/nearby. ("The scent of pies and bread invaded Jimmy's nose".)

Wow, I apologize if this is very overwhelming, haha. I can understand English might not be your first language and hence a lot of the grammar and punctuation mistakes. If you can, have someone help you with the more technical stuff. I highly recommend checking out stuff on how to punctuate dialogue as there are some rules concerning that. I also still think you should save this in a word doc as I mentioned last review, if you haven't done so already, so you can set aside the chapter for a day or two and then edit later. I do wish you luck on future chapters.

Click to expand...

Oh...I never looked at those things well i will surely keep in mind these points while writing next chp, which I am going to start soon. I have just started writing my own stories here, i am new to this writing.
From now on i will keep these points in mind after your first feed back i tried to do my best, but i think i acted a bit lazy.
But i have kept in mind your earlier thought that rayquaza and giratina which i replaced for swarnakamal and i had thought a concept for interconnecting it.
I will surely follow your thanks, hope i won't dissappoint you next time.

EPISODE-2: Hanging around

A new day at bluebell village, everything is same as usual a bright morning, happy people busy at their work, kids playing around happily with pokemon.
It's sunday since shop is closed Jimmy has went around for a stroll and starts looking for some berries.
''where should I start?''he asks himself.
While he was searching for berries in the nearby wild, Alice came towards him running.
''hey, Jimmy''she calls out.
''Hey! Alice whats up?''he enquires.
''I wants to show you my newly acquired pokemon.''
''hmm..newly acquired?'' he looks at her in wonder.
''oh, i got it as my present for scoring good result at medicine making at village academy'' she explains.
''really? Which pokemon it is!''Jimmy asks.
''ok!ok! Have some patience,
here it is my new eevee!!''she says with a great pleasure.
''ohh..it's an eevee, you asked for eevee'' he replies.
''yes of course, i really liked your eevee so i asked for it'' Alice says.
''yeah it's really cute, by the way what are you doing you here?''Jimmy asks.
''well..nothing special, i went at your home but your mom told that you are here at forest''Alice says.
''you came all the way here to find me?''Jimmy says.
''yes of course'' she replies.
So with this they starts moving further talking around suddenly they heards a voice from a distance, it's seems someone was calling them, they were surprised to see Rex.
''Hey friends! What going on?''Rex asks them.
''hey, Rex what are you doing here'' Alice asks.
''your mom gave me a message to pass on'' Rex says.
''A message for me?'' Jimmy questions.
''yes, your mom told to go Remedial valley for finding Chronal berry'' Rex says.
''Remedial valley? For finding Chronal berry'' Jimmy questions in wonder.
''Chronal berry? I have heard they are very rare and are found in Remedial valley only, they are known for their sweetness and blending texture.'' Alice says.
''yeah..i know mom uses them in her speciality deluxe berry sweet cake'' Jimmy replies.
''ok, then let's go, we will accompany you'' Rex says.
So they starts walking towards the Remedial valley in search for Chronal berry.
Remedial valley is known for pleasuring greenery it's the giant nursey of green plants and beautiful flowers it is as well as filles with wild pokemon.
''Jimmy, have you observed the strange behavior of people in village?'' Rex questions.
''yeah..since those strange people came to search for that stone tablet or something...''Alice says.
''well i have observed it i asked mom too but she said there is nothing to worry.'' Jimmy says.
''well, elders always says that when there is something serious'' Alice stated.
When they were on there way to remedial way they came across the Nile river.
''The Nile river i always like the view here it's so beautiful.'' Alice says.
''yeah..it's the river that flows through out the region of Nile.'' rex mentions.
''hey look at that flower!It's so beautiful'' Alice looked at the white flower and said with a pleasure.
''hey, that's the spectrum lily, they are very rare'' Rex said.
''hey, Alice do want it?'' Jimmy asks.
''can you bring it for me?'' Alice questions.
''yes of course!'' Jimmy replies.
The flower was in the the middle of stream of water over a rock as it grows only in the excess of water.
''but how are gonna reach it'' Rex wonders.
''let's make a chain, i will tie a rope on my chest you tie the other end with that rock.'' Jimmy suggests the idea.
So they makes a chain and Jimmy starts moving through the water but suddenly a big wave of water comes and the rope is broken by the strong wave Rex holds the the rope but is unable to resists the flow, Alice to tries to helps but on avail.
After sometime Jimmy, Rex and Alice found themselves near a end they wake and find themselves near a city.
''oh, that was a pain'' Rex says.
''I will think twice before asking something to you'' Alice says.
''how such a strong wave came out of sudden'' Jimmy asks.
''yeah..it's strange for having such a strong flow in this part of river'' Rex says.
''well...we will think about that later, first where are we?'' Alice questions.
''hey..look out there it's a town!'' Jimmy exclaims.
''hey look at that lightings''Alice shouts with excitement.
''let's take a look'' jimmy says.
So in this manner they starts walking and found that they are in Cluster city, next to Bluebell village.
''thank god, we were not flown away by water too far.'' Alice says
''yeah..let's not look back at what happen, while we are here let's take a look around.'' Jimmy says.
''Jimmy is right, by the way it's about to dark, we will take the bus tommorow to go back.'' Rex says.
So they decides to wait in the Cluster city but there is some thing else going on in Bluebell village.
''It's about time i want this mission to be completed as fast it can.'' someone said.
''Yes sir! We have gathered our troops, we are ready to attack!'' his servant exclaimed.
What are these evil people trying to attack the village, what are they up to find out in next episode.