Nathaniel and the Guardians

BEFORE YOU READ:
Nathaniel and the Guardians is a new fanfiction that is developing. It is meant to be a series, and this is book one. It doesn't yet have a title. There is a prologue below, and for this, to make it super awesome, I'd like to have an assistant writer. If anyone would like to assist me in Nathaniel and the Guardians(NAG), please post it in a reply. Thank you for reading.
Somebody else can write Chapter 1 in here. Chapter 1 should introduce Nathan and his two brothers, Terrence and Angel. When Chapter 1 is up, then I'll post Chapter 2.
Nathaniel and The Guardians
Prologue:

Ricky Guid and his sister, Penelope, stood on the balcony of their three-story home. The cool night wind blew on them, in the middle of Summer. It was a fun time to just relax, a cool down after all the chaos of moving into this new house. Ricky had olive skin, straw hair, and sparkling blue eyes. He usually wore camo on his top, since he likes the pattern, and jeans on the bottom. Penelope had white skin, blue eyes, blonde hair, and a pink dress. She wore dresses everyday since they looked pretty, according to her. Her high heels that she wore were a bit sloppy on her, and she tripped every now and then, since she was only eleven, but it didn't matter to her. At night, she took them off, and put on fuzzy "Big Bear" slippers. Ricky looked at Penelope with a smile, and exited from the balcony, leaving her alone. Penelope took five more minutes before doing the same. Suddenly, there was the sound of whimpering downstairs. Their family dog, Scritchy, was whimpering and howling. Ricky turned to his sister.
"Do you know where Scritchy is?" he asked.

"No, but we could just follow the whines." she responded.

"I guess we could..."

"I wonder why he's acting like this."

"That's why I want to see him!"

You see, Scritchy never whimpered or howled. He didn't even bark inside the house. The big German Shepherd was loyal and passionate about the family. He obeyed everything they told him the best he could. So this new side of him sort of threw Ricky and Penelope off, causing them to wonder what was going on. The two arrived in the laundry room. "Oh my gosh...." Ricky started. His sister gave him a worried look.

"Is this my dream or your dream?" she asked, her voice quivering at the sight.

"Maybe it's Scritchy's." said Ricky, his voice the same tone.

Right in front of the two, there was a scary sight....an egg. Now, most people don't think eggs are a big deal, however this egg is different. You can't scramble it and eat it. The egg had green and brown splotches all over it, matching Ricky's camo pattern on his shirt. The egg was emitting a small glow. Within it, they could see a small form. A gray and scaly one...the egg was about a foot tall, and a foot wide. Green and blue slimes oozed from it. There it was, sitting so peacefully on the laundry room floor. Ricky and Penelope exchanged one more odd glance.

"How in the world did that get here?!" Ricky said.

"Should we tell mommy and daddy?" Penelope said.

There was an awkward silence after that, since neither person knew the answer to the other's question. Time seemed to stand still. Suddenly, the egg fell over on it's side. There was an odd grunting sound coming from it.

Both twins didn't know what to do. So, they did what was best. Pulling the dog out of the laundry room, despite the unplesant YIPE! and slamming the laundry room door rather loudly. Next, running up the stairs until they started pinching themselves a bit to see who was having the dream. The scariest part came when they both realized the truth. It wasn't a dream. There was a huge noise from the laundry room, like another grunt, and that was the last thing that poor Ricky remembered before a sharp pain in his head, and blacking out. His sister, did the same about five seconds later.

So, how's it looking so far? Good? I'm pretty sure most of you could see why I need another writer. Nathaniel and the Guardians will be an epic tale!

Review

Let's start from the top shall we?

Ricky Guid and his sister, Penelope, stood on the balcony of their three-story home. The cool night wind blew on them (Unnecessary comma) in the middle of Summer.

Click to expand...

First off, I really don't see how you made the mistake of putting a comma there. Did you try reading the sentence out loud? If you did, you'd realize that it creates an awkward pause and it really doesn't belong there at all.

It was a fun time to just relax and (Unnecessary comma and I think you missed an 'and') cool down after all the chaos of moving into this new house. Ricky looked at Penelope with a smile and (Unnecessary comma) exited from the balcony, leaving her alone. Penelope took five more minutes before doing the same. Suddenly, there was the sound of whimpering downstairs. Their family dog, Scritchy, was whimpering and howling. Ricky turned to his sister.

Click to expand...

No. Either state explicitly that she went down to join her brother or say that she met with her brother somewhere on the stairs. It helps to actually visualize the scene in your mind and describe the important details so your readers can do the same.

"Do you know where Scritchy is?" he asked.

"No, but we could just follow the whines," she responded.

"I guess we could..."

"I wonder why he's acting like this."

"That's why I want to see him!"

Click to expand...

Whenever someone new starts a dialogue, put a space in between. Sometimes, PC takes a single space and squashes it together so press enter twice to remedy this solution when starting a new line. Also, quotes preceding a dialogue tag(he said/she said) must be ended with a comma unless they end with question marks, exclamation marks, or ellipses(…).

So this new side of him sort of threw Ricky and Penelope.

Click to expand...

Threw what?

The two arrived in the laundry room. "Oh my gosh..." Ricky started. His sister gave him a worried look.

"Is this my dream or your dream?" she asked, her voice quivering at the sight.

"Maybe it's Scritchy's," said Ricky, his voice the same tone.

Click to expand...

A clichéd dialogue exchange and unrealistic to boot. Unless this is an in-joke between him and his sister, no one really says this in real life.

Right in front of the two, there was a scary sight....an egg. Now, most people don't think eggs are a big deal. However, this egg was different (Alternatively: {This egg however, was different.} Because that has a nicer ring to it, language-wise.). You can't scramble it and eat it. (And how can you tell that just by looking at it?) The egg had green and brown splotches all over it (Unnecessary comma) matching Ricky's camo pattern on his shirt. Ricky had olive skin, straw hair (I don't think that's a colour.), and sparkling blue eyes.(Ah nice, sparkly blue eyes. You may want to avoid Gary Stus and Mary Sues. I know they're kids, but really, perfect characters aren't very interesting to read about.) Right now, they sparkled with fear. He usually wore camo on his top,(This part is repetitive.) since he likes the pattern, and jeans on the bottom. Penelope on the other hand, (because it sounds repetitive without.) had white skin, blue eyes, blonde hair, and a pink dress(See above on Mary Sues.). She wore dresses every day since they looked pretty, according to her. Her high heels(Wait how old is she?) were replaced by trembling sneakers this night. The egg was emitting a small glow. Within it, they could see a small form. A gray and scaly one. (Ellipses have no place here.) The egg was about a foot tall, and a foot wide. Green and blue slime (Slime is an uncountable noun so it doesn't have an 's' suffix to denote a plural.) oozed from it. There it was, sitting so peacefully on the laundry room floor. Ricky and Penelope exchanged one more, (Use commas to avoid confusion. In this case, it might be mistaken for 'one 'more odd' glance' rather than 'one more' 'odd glance'.) odd glance.

Click to expand...

The main problem with this entire sentence is that you jump from describing the egg to Ricky to Penelope to the egg. This is really distracting for the reader and detracts from the gravity of the situation. Kind of like this,

Rob: Oh my god, is that house on fire?
Kris: Someone call the fire-brigade, quick!
Dave: Hey guys, check out my new shoes.
Rob: Sweet...
Kris: Nice shoes.
Dave: Oh hey, is that house on fire.

The burning house might be seen as a tragedy, but with the intrusion of something unrelated, it turns the scene sort of lulzy. Describe the siblings earlier on and not at that point.

"How in the world did that get here?(Question mark only because it's bad grammar to use both, even if he is shouting.)" Ricky said.

Click to expand...

Suddenly, the egg fell over on its (possessive) side. There was an odd grunting sound coming from it.

Click to expand...

Both twins didn't know what to do. So, they did what was best. Pulling the dog out of the laundry room, despite the unpleasant YIPE! and slamming the laundry room door rather loudly. Next, running up the stairs until they started pinching themselves a bit to see who was having the dream. The scariest part came when they both realized the truth. It wasn't a dream. There was a huge noise from the laundry room, like another grunt, and that was the last thing that poor Ricky remembered before a sharp pain in his head, and blacking out. His sister, did the same about five seconds later.

Click to expand...

What is this I don't even… This final segment seems rally rushed and I can't really make out what's happening here at a glance. Stories are supposed to flow, but this last part kills it a tad. Redo this and make it clearer. For instance, what's with the 'YIPE'? I can't even imagine what that is…

So, how's it looking so far? Good? I'm pretty sure most of you could see why I need another writer. Nathaniel and the Guardians will be an epic tale!

Click to expand...

Not so much a co-writer as a beta-reader.

Yeah, I have nothing to say on the plot at the moment, but your characterization could do with a bit of work. Your characters seem to be the brother-sister stereotype that get along and are thrust into an adventure. I can't say I'm fond of this type of plot, but don't let that deter you from writing. What you need to take into account right now is the believability of your fic. Sure we have an egg in the laundry, but how did it get there in the first place. Either hint at where the egg came from and or make it clear that the characters are at least speculating on its origin for a realistic amount of time. I mean, you can't have the egg drop out of a space-time rift just to fit the plot. You need the egg that falls out of the space-time rift to be the plot. This means that an unrealistic element that serves to further the plot without a proper explanation turns away readers. This may or may not be the premise for your fc, but its just a warning so I don't forget to say it later.

@MizanDePlumeKaro, thanks for the review/critisism. It really gets me happy when that happens. Especially for this one, since I want it to be awesome! I edited the change-topic thingy when they first find the egg and put lines in between each different line of text. I am tweaking my prologue according to your review piece by piece since you found so many errors. Thank you for reviewing! You might want to reread it and see the difference it makes in the story. I'll change the whole comma issue next hopefully.