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My first Poem: Like a Breeze

Shiroi Alucard

White Knight
134
Posts
16
Years
    • Like a Breeze

    ​
    Like a breeze comes the end of a life

    ​
    The life of one who once lived

    ​
    Blows away in the instance of death

    ​
    But, alas, with death comes rebirth


    By DJBlaz
    (Originally created for English III Class)

    ​
     
    Last edited:
    TJgamer

    TJgamer

    A Pokémon Poet
    1,093
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Seen Oct 13, 2021
    Very original work, DJBlaz.
    But could you tell me what kind of poetry you used here? It doesn't look familiar to me.
     

    Missingno.7-4468

    The Kazuka Party is for curry!
    513
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Now, I really like this poem, despite me not being a big fan of free verse. However, there are a few little things that really aren't at all important.

    For the first line, it almost seems like there should be a period at the. The pause seems to be there without any mark of it. I'm not sure if you meant for there to be a pause there. =/

    The third line has again the period at the end thing. It just seems like there should be a pause there.

    The last line seems a little weird for me. Using the word alas makes it sound like the rebirth is...a bad thing. Is that what you wanted, or is it just lack of a better word?

    Despite these little faults, I absolutely love this poem. This is a great poem that would be even better if you fixed it up a little.
     
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