My first Poem: Like a Breeze

[Shiroi Alucard]

Like a Breeze

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Like a breeze comes the end of a life

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The life of one who once lived

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Blows away in the instance of death

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But, alas, with death comes rebirth


By DJBlaz
(Originally created for English III Class)

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[TJgamer]

Very original work, DJBlaz.
But could you tell me what kind of poetry you used here? It doesn't look familiar to me.

 

[Shiroi Alucard]

Yea, sorry for that, had it type in the wrong format. ^_^;

 

[Missingno.7-4468]

Now, I really like this poem, despite me not being a big fan of free verse. However, there are a few little things that really aren't at all important.

For the first line, it almost seems like there should be a period at the. The pause seems to be there without any mark of it. I'm not sure if you meant for there to be a pause there. =/

The third line has again the period at the end thing. It just seems like there should be a pause there.

The last line seems a little weird for me. Using the word alas makes it sound like the rebirth is...a bad thing. Is that what you wanted, or is it just lack of a better word?

Despite these little faults, I absolutely love this poem. This is a great poem that would be even better if you fixed it up a little.