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[Pokémon] Vengeance

DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
171
Posts
12
Years
    • Seen Dec 1, 2022
    Part 1
    Spoiler:
     

    DracoLatch

    http://www.pokecommunity.com/s
    171
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Seen Dec 1, 2022
    Chapter 1
    Spoiler:
     
    10,176
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    I read your prologue so far. At least, I think it was the prologue.

    While reading, I was getting lost in what was going on. You jumped scenes way too fast, without giving any special break in the formatting to let the reader know that there was a scene change. Because of the formatting issue, it seemed as if the scene with the two children and the old man and the jump-roping girl were all happening at the same time (which they were) and in the same place. If that makes sense.

    You should also slow down to allow the readers time to get to know these characters. It does look like that you do better with this in chapter 1 from the little that I've skimmed. Maybe you could rewrite part 1 into first-person narration if you feel more comfortable writing that way.

    I am intrigued in who this jump-roping girl is and what powers she might have. And to find out who attacked the Alola region and why they did.
     
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