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Pokémon "The Journal of Uzumaki"

Started by Anime Psyclone September 25th, 2018 2:45 AM
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Anime Psyclone

Insert Creative Title Here

Male
Charlotte
Seen December 19th, 2018
Posted November 14th, 2018
651 posts
1.8 Years
Hello, this is AP here, making noise. I decided to start writing again with a short story on how I believe Spiritomb was created. I plan to make more of these about Pokemon origins, so stay tuned.





[The Journal of the Uzumaki was a journal found in the town where Spiritomb was sealed away in. Here it is for your reading pleasure.]

D108: Same as usual, the same rain for the past 3 days. Me and Lucario took a walk together, even if it was raining. I can’t shake this feeling though, that something’s wrong. Rain doesn’t normally occur three days in a row.

D109: Rain again. The skies haven’t lightened up. Lucario feels something is wrong, like I do. Well, I think so, He’s been looking around nervously, despite being stronger then most other Pokemon in this small little town.

D110:It happened. The sky lightened up, finally, but something’s very wrong. The Pokemon.. None of them are coming out. Not the usual Rattata or Pidgey…. Even Lucario doesn’t seem to feel right.

D111: Dark clouds again. Lightning has struck the trees in this small town… They all burned. At least nothing hit the houses.

D112: I woke up, and Lucario was shivering in fear. I don’t blame him. His eyes are bloodshot, he hasn’t been getting sleep.

[Pages D113 to D120 have been lost.]

D121: The spiral’s still up there… I am scared. Lucario’s been a little braver then he used to since this started happening…

D122: One by one green orbs have been appearing in the sky… In the spiral. It seems less and less wrong and more and more like it’s normal. But… How?
I don’t know how this is happening… Nobody, human or Pokemon, is outside….

D123: Same as usual, the same spiral for the past 3 days. Lucario’s cowering in fear for some reason. He’s been strangely attracted to a gift… A keystone. I don’t know how he got it, but he did. I can’t….

[The author presumably died during the writing.The journal still had 54 pages left. The Lucario was the one who sealed Spiritomb inside the Odd Keystone. He has long since died. The question remains…. Just what happened?]
I don't know what to put here, so... HALLOWEEN YEAH


Name: Spookie

Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

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Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 22 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Day Ago
5,719 posts
13.3 Years
Hi, so I decide to give this a quick look!

I think you have an interesting premise here detailing Spirtomb's presence. The short snappy entries does remind me the journals you would read in the games as the writings tend to be short. However, I feel the short entries are also one of the pitfalls of this piece.

Describing the Pokemon not around and dark clouds in the beginning is fine, but there's no mention of the humans' reactions during all this. Perhaps during D108-109 he sees a couple people nervously outside despite the rain, and then D110 he eavesdrop on some of the people's conversations and/or talked to them directly.

You then skipped D113-120 and then jumped to "The spiral's still up there." Perhaps during the 113-120 gap you could mention "the spiral" starting to appear and scaring Pokemon and people there.

I feel mentioning the aftermath where the author dies and their Lucario sealing the Spiritomb makes the ending fall flat. I would've liked it better if this ends with the entry of D123 to have it heavy implied the author died instead of stating it right after.

Overall this isn't half bad but I think the entries would've benefited with a bit more details here and there in them. Still, wish you luck on your other writings!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]
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