When Universes Collide (WUC for abbreviation,PG)

I see that my fanfic is popular. If you like it so muchm please comment and rate. AND Review! :D
Prologue
In 2999,A young girl age 10 was at her friends' house when suddenly the clock struck 6:30 and she flew to her house. As she was walking, she thought about Pokemon existing, like PokeGroup said.
"I'm home from Susie's house, Mom," a brown haired girl sweetly said to her mother.


Alexandra's rich, happy, and dilligent mom said, "Well, could you do the dishes for me?" feeling rather strange.


"Sure. But I was thinking about Pokemon really existing."


"Well, PokeGroup must predict the future. Look at the news," she said, amazed. So she ran upstairs to the cozy TV room, that had a 100" flatscreen. When she turned on the TV, she saw a bird's eye view of universes colliding.


"Wow! Oh my gosh! But how could PokeGroup be right? Wow! Oh my gosh!" The whole day.
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Yes, The Prologue was short, it will be longer when it gets to chapters, I will write again whenever I can. And again, please comment and rate and review.
Ok. I give up. There's no commenting. No nothing. only millions of views, most of them by me e_e nobody likes this little story. Bump, just in case they do.

Yeah, it is short, and there is an easier way to fix the shortness. Slow down and write more. I'll explain further as I go through the review.

Grammar mistakes fixed in bold.

dumbpikAchu said:

Prologue
"I'm home from Susie's house, Mom," a brown-haired girl sweetly said to her mother.

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When she turned on the TV, she saw a bird's eye view of universes colliding.

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...o___O

So, random girl comes home to her mansion, thinks that Pokemon are real, and then she watches the universe collide with another universe and all she says is "Wow"?

Okay, first, let's cover the fact that you didn't describe anything. Instead of saying "They're very rich" in an author note that's in the middle of the story (which you shouldn't do), you can show how they are rich by describing their house and their things.

You could also slow down the narration. Show Alexandra walking in the door. How does her mother feel when her daughter comes out with a radical claim that Pokemon are real? There's a lot that could be added to this.

And let's mention the fact that the television is showing universes colliding. And let's really not cover the fact that if the universe is colliding with another universe, the reaction probably wouldn't be a dead-pan "Wow", but that's just me.

In short, you should slow down your writing. Proof-read it over to catch those grammar mistakes. Think things through more.

Ok, I will edit it. thanks Astinus! I'd be lost in the dark without you! E: Check it now.

~CHAPTER ONE: RAINING YOURE FAVORITE POKEMON~

As she flicked off the TV, she saw that there was a huge thunderhead. No, not a thunderhead. Too big for that. Infact, it went outside of the stratosphere, whatever up there has to be called. Wishing she had a better education, she remembered that The Weather Channel said that there would be a storm today on Monday. She ran outside, for it wasn't raining water, nor thundering alone, but she saw a Bulbasaur with a happy face fly past the window before she ran out.She hoped to catch a Pikachu, but she caught something even better: a Pichu. "I'm gonna call you, umm, uh..." she trailed off and thought. then she spoke again: "What about Raichu?" PICHU! was her reply. she then told PokeGroup that she seriously had a Pichu, and even had a picture of it on her profile. She took Raichu to her mom, who was very excited. then she told all of the news channels. When she went to look for Raichu outside, she saw him dragging around a fainted, baby, probably Level Three, Lapras. PICHU! he said bouncing up to her. Pi-pi-pi-CHU! he said, imitating Thunder. "You already learned Thunder?" she said, excitedly. Pi-pi-pi! Was her reply. "Hey, are you a boy? Pi! said Raichu, nodding his head. She then saw a Pokecenter and Pokemart being built for actual use, since the shopowners from the other universe were here now. But then, Raichu said, Pi... Thinking he was sick, she ran over to the now finished Pokecenter with Raichu. she healed him, but he was still "sick." She tried buying a Pokeball, but it didn't work. He then wanted out of the Pokeball, so she let him out, but when she took him out, she saw a Pikachu! PIKAPIKACHUUUU! Raichu said. "Wow, he must be happy."
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Like it? Thank you failing fanfics! lol!

~CHAPTER 2: WHEN THE LAPRAS REVIVED~
When Alexandra got back to her yard, the Lapras was willing to join her team. She let him, but just that moment, a boy came and said,"Hey, thats MY Lapras!"


"Really? Looks wild to me."


"Wait, he doesn't have a scar. Oh well. Hey, There he is!" When he came back, he had a Level 100 Lapras."Hey, let's be buddies!"

"Ok," she shruged. Then a level -maybe around 66- she couldn't tell- Charizard popped out of what seemed to be nowhere."EEEEK!" Pikapiii! Raichu wailed. And the two Lapras and the boy just stood there. Then it used Flamethrower. The firey waves almost hit Alexandra. Then the two Lapras and Raichu sprang into action. Raichu popped a surfboard out of, again, what seemed to be nowhere.Then the two lapras worked together to do a huge Surf wave. Raichu did a little surf wave, and when the Charizard fainted, Raichu got off. Suddenly Alexandra's Lapras grew! and Raichu grew, maybe, now that she noticed, 18 levels! And for her Lapras, about 10! "Wow!"

"Wow is right," said the boy.


"You keep the Charizard."


"Are you kidding me? I've got all the Pokemon in the world! All EV trained, all Level 100, and all have pokerus!"


"You're kidding me now!"


"Actually, I was a Goldenrod City citizen when universes chrashed."

"Ok then, thanks!"



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I thought a boss battle would be nice. Yes it's short, but it's good, isn't it? :P

Bump! nobody likes it anyways.. but... sigh... :(

This is probably against the rules, but can I have this locked?

I WILL CONTINUE

I decided to :D
~CHAPTER 3: RECOGNIZING THE BOY~
Alexandra looked at the boy and seemed to recognize him. "How old are you?"


"Eighteen," he replied.


"Wait..."


"What?"


"Alexander Bean?"


"How do you know my name?"


"You're little sister always knows your name."At that, he paused. She continued. "When we found that crashed spaceship back out in the woods, remember how it auto-launched, and only I had enough time to get out? I guess you somehow found you're way to The Pokemon Universe."

"You're right!" They shook hands, and re-introduced themselves.


"I'm Alexandra Bean."


"We can be siblings! I'm Alexander Bean!"


They both laughed. Then they went inside, and told their mom all that happened.

~CHAPTER 4: THE NOTE~
When Alex and Alex woke up, they found Lapras and Raichu hauling in a giant sized note. Pika! PeeeeeeKA! Raichu pretended to read it. Pika Piika! Raichu jumped on all fours and walked around like a cat. Alexander said, "I have no idea what the cat part is, but I'm pretty sure he wants us to read it." The note said:
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Dear Humans, Meet me at Victory Road.
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Alexandra said, "Well, I guess we better go."


"Of course! Let's Teleport, Abbie!" Immediately, an Abra zapped out of the Pokeball. "Raichu and Lapras, Stay here. TELEPORT! LET'S GO!"
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When they got there, Alex asked,"Did you steal that from Ash?"


"Yes."


"Well, we better get going. Look how many evaluations we have ahead, or approvals, or whatever these are."

"Don't worry." And with that, he went to the first guard, showed him the Boulderbadge, and then went on.


"Wait, I thought you were a Gol-"


"I go to Kanto a lot, and if you're wondering how I even survived, a widow with no children picked me up and claimed me her's."


As they completely passed the guards, and the water, and got inside, they found it very dark. "Don't worry, the first adventurer here set everything up like it should be, so it'll be just a short vi-" The reason he stopped is because he saw Arceus in front of them. "Alex, do you see it?"


"Yes, I do, bro." Before they could dramatize it any more, Arceus roared:


"Hello, I am here to give you a mission sent to me by The Majestic Mew. You two are destined to be Pokemon Masters." Alex raised her hand.


"Yes? The tall, pretty, human girl."


"Wouldn't that make us Mary and Gary sues?"


"I DON'T CARE ABOUT NO STINKIN' MARY, GARY SUE!"


"Ok."


"We better go home now," Alex said. He took out his Abra's Pokeball, and it zapped out. He told it to Teleport. Wen they got back home, they told their mom the good news.
~EPILOGUE~
Think that this was a story? Sorry! It's an setting intro to Pokemon Destiny-Beginnings!

Bumpie, liek, so ppl can see ma updates, liek, yah. And enjoy 'em, liek. AND PLEASE RATE, COMMENT, REVIEW, AND SCORE.

dumbpikAchu said:

Bumpie, liek, so ppl can see ma updates, liek, yah. And enjoy 'em, liek. AND PLEASE RATE, COMMENT, REVIEW, AND SCORE.

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This story's really good, but try and | make all the chapters as long or longer than the one before the quoted post, because that's how long they should be =D keep writing!

OH YAY!!!!!!!!
Thank you Bumbleblast!!
I thought nobody liked my art!!!
friends?

Thought I'd review for you. Yay for you.

dumbpikAchu said:

~CHAPTER 3: RECOGNIZING THE BOY~
Alexandra looked at the boy and seemed to recognize him. "How old are you?"

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Please don't double space these, it makes things unnecessarily long on the page. I guess there isn't a rule against it, but it makes things feel disconnected. You probably only did this because of someone new speaking, so from now don't double space when someone new is speaking.

dumbpikAchu said:

"You're little sister always knows your name." At that, he paused. She continued. "When we found that crashed spaceship back out in the woods, remember how it auto-launched, and only I had enough time to get out? I guess you somehow found you're way to The Pokemon Universe."

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Missed a space. Bold around it.

dumbpikAchu said:

"We could be siblings! I'm Alexander Bean!"

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Switched a can to could.

dumbpikAchu said:

~POSTLOGUE~

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Postlogue? I think you meant epilogue.
Overall your story was very quick, had little description, and needed more than dialogue with a few lines of actions.

It was s'posed to be that way. Too much dialogue? XD It's a chatty story! :D LOL!!! :D :D :D :D :D SMILEY ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD CROSSBOWMEN SMILEY ARMY!!!!!!!! ROFLOLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, Hippy was giving you advice to improve your story. And I will admit to not checking the new posts in this thread for a while (which is why I missed the post where you asked for it to be locked, so next time, VM/PM me when you want your thread locked), but now I can see that I really should have.

Your chapters' quality is all over the place. You didn't listen to the advice I gave of slowing down and narrating more. You rush through everything, confusing the reader still because chapters are nothing but dialogue. It gets confusing to read stories that are like that (unless you have skill in that. It can happen) because no one knows what's going on in the story. It's just dialogue, and the characters rush from one place to another without the author taking the time to describe where the characters are or what they are doing.

Your chapters should be of a better quality. (Arceus just randomly appearing? What? o_O) Both Hippy and myself have given you advice to improve, but you really haven't followed it (or, in Hippy's case, you just blew it off with a spam post.)

I highly suggest that you refocus on your chapters. Even if you are just doing this as a comedic story, then there's still the standards of PFF&P to be met. You were given advice as to how to reach those standards twice. I'm going to close this for not meeting the standards, and you can try again with another fanfic, or this same one revised. If you need help with writing it, you can get yourself a beta reader.

I also suggest that you don't spam threads again, like you did twice in this thread.