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Rain

Abnegation

    • 10,674
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen May 19, 2024

    Motives


    I wrote this poem when I had a long thought about the world, and what it has become. I've also made relvances to the struggle I went through to get back to being myself. It's a very personal poem. But to elabourate, I've looked at the world, what it has become, and what most likely will happen. I've seen what we've done, and how humanity has derailed the beauty of this planet. thus, here is my poem. Probably one of my most structured poems I've posted.

    Rain


    Like crystal shards of glass piercing the skin,
    This Rain continues breaking moral state,
    Silence singing softly through such distress,
    The ice like water dripping from my nose.

    Clouds of charcoal black closing in slowly,
    Thunder tracing lightning, I wield my heart.
    Preperation time has ceased, now we fight.
    Rain, many in number, yet we still fight alone.

    We struggle to find our purpose on Earth,
    We've let the downpour continue, this day,
    The clouds have filled with despair, we let them.
    We've done this together, now, we're alone.

    Our neglect has caused this isolation,
    We now fight alone, for this is our final vocation.



    outro


    It's good to be back writing again. I've written this one in Iambic Pantameter, mirroring Shakespeare in ways. And Robert Frost in others. Regardless, I've used a lot of techniques in this one, which is what really made me like this one.
    Reviews would be great, I know this one can be improved with some tweeking.
    It's your turn. Thank you.
     
    Last edited:

    Rabbit

    where is my mind?
    • 484
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Your iambic pentameter is rather inconsistent, although it worked very nicely in the first two lines. In many lines, the rhythm doesn't fit what iambic pentameter should look like. For instance, to fit the pattern, "Clouds of charcoal black closing in slowly" has to read as "Clouds OF charCOAL black CLOsing IN slowLY", which is basically the opposite of how it might be naturally read.

    The iambic pentameter does put me in mind of Shakespeare. I don't really see the Robert Frost influence, though.

    I don't know what "breaking moral state" means, but it sounds great. Like the name of a song, maybe.

    Quite a lot of we's in this poem. Who are you associating yourself with?
     

    Abnegation

    • 10,674
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen May 19, 2024
    Your iambic pentameter is rather inconsistent, although it worked very nicely in the first two lines. In many lines, the rhythm doesn't fit what iambic pentameter should look like. For instance, to fit the pattern, "Clouds of charcoal black closing in slowly" has to read as "Clouds OF charCOAL black CLOsing IN slowLY", which is basically the opposite of how it might be naturally read.[/QUOTE]

    Well you see, the poem was supposed to give off the theme of well "broken". The iambic pentameter is off at points as I wanted it to be like the poem is to draw more drama to the poem. Though I knew it would be pointed out, I hoped someone would notice what I had intended. So in other words, the iambic pentameter was broken so that it was add drama to the poem and further illustrate the theme of a world falling apart.
    The iambic pentameter does put me in mind of Shakespeare. I don't really see the Robert Frost influence, though.
    Click to expand...

    The Robert Frost influence is subtle I'm aware. I've been reading a lot of his poetry lately. But, I used the Rain as a patorial setting to portray human emotion or human actions much like Frost does. It's not as clear I know, but again it was only an influence.
    I don't know what "breaking moral state" means, but it sounds great. Like the name of a song, maybe.
    Click to expand...
    The breaking of moral state was displaying how humans have been broken by what they've done to this world. People break down and lose all sense of morality when they see thw day to day events of this world, I tried to show that as the poem is using Rain as a symbol for many things.
    Quite a lot of we's in this poem. Who are you associating yourself with?
    Click to expand...

    We as in humanity. The entire poem revolves around what the world is becoming and how humanity is falling apart morally. Though I don't want to go into full detail just yet. I'm not one to reveal all my motives in my poems until it's read enough, I suppose.

    Thanks for the kind comments.
     
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